catch-22

Hello everybody... I registered here in 2004. A brief update: I'm 59 now and still addicted. I would describe myself as a functioning alcoholic. I work all day and then in the evening I have my bottle of wine. This has been going on for years. I have stopped a few times (last time for 6 months for medical reasons - not connected to alcohol), but life without alcohol - ironically - is incredibly boring. My marriage has collapsed. My wife withdrew from our sexual relationship 4 years ago. We are "friends". I understand that. But she has her own mental issues.

All in all I drink to survive. I've lead a life where I always did what other people wanted: my parents, then my wife (with her issues), then my children, whom I have supported throughout their university studies by working incredibly hard and being an absent father. Every day, for years. We are near to the end of our marriage and dealing with the kids, so I hope I can slow down and do what I like doing most: travelling. Will I stop drinking? Who knows. I hope so. Anyway... I'm not sure why I came back here again. Maybe to remind to myself who I really am. An alcoholic. Love and peace to all.

catch-22

Dee74

Welcome back

I think people land here, or return here, because they want better.

Its never too late to start living the life your deserve

D

catch-22

Thank you! I definitely want a better life than this... And I can't get it with alcohol... I've been trying for 18 years.

FiveTries

I can relate to this so much. It seems like the statement is at odds with itself, considering the booze is also killing me.

But when I'm sober for even a small amount of time it starts to feel like I can't deal with all I'm expected to deal with. Managing work, wife, kids, house, cars, and on and on. It's just a grind and I end up missing being able to shut all of that off for awhile.

So being an alcoholic has somehow become a part of everything in my life. I want to get rid of it and be free.

Welcome back

Hevyn

Hi, catch - it's so good to see you.
I was older than you when I finally quit. I was so afraid to let go of it, but the lifestyle was not sustainable. Nearly 15 yrs. have gone by since I found SR & reclaimed my life.
I hope being here will help you figure out what's best.

Sasha4

Have you thought about asking for help?
Have you considered talking to a professional about how you feel?

I really do wish you the best.

catch-22

Yep, it's all of this... I need some time off the world in the evening and alcohol, unfortunately, is my crutch. I'm almost at the end of the tunnel regarding all the responsibilities I have to bear in my life, so I hope I can turn the corner very soon.

catch-22

Thank you for your reply. I will be giving another go for sure.

catch-22

I have been to therapy, for months. It has helped. I have a clear picture in my head, all I need to do is to execute it. As I said, only a few months and I will be ready. I know it sounds like another excuse, but it's all I can say right now.

sgttychus

Lost everything but dont lost ur wife my friend.

Free2bme888

Catch 22, I could think of a MILLION, no, a GAZILLION ‘reasons’ (‘excuses’ is a more accurate word really why I would NEED (really, a better word is WANT) a cigarette or a drink.

If I had a good day. A bad day. Someone cut me off driving. I got great news. I felt terrible. I ran five miles (yep, used to REWARD my run with a smoke (pathetic, but addicted).

It takes more than wishful thinking, more than hope to change our subconscious. Time, patience, persistence, ACTION (don’t drink for ANY REASON, NOW) and a change in thought.

i WANT to change
I WANT to quit (……..fill in the blank)

Find some tools, AND use them.

Big hugs, glad you’re here. This place is a major well used tool of mine.

Lautca

Free2bme888 has some pretty good insight about where to begin to change your circumstances. It can be difficult to find your starting point, about where a good place may be to start making changes that will make your circumstances a bit better, so I'll add the following well-known saying, too:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I'll state the obvious, if quitting drinking were as easy, simple, and painless as never taking another drink, then alcoholism as we know it wouldn't exist. But that isn't reality. However, there are things we can do for ourselves, things we can learn, resources we can use, and people and places out there to assist us, which will make quitting drinking as easy, simple, and painless as is possible. All you have to do is use them, they aren't secrets that are hidden away.

A starting point worth looking at is something you wrote: "Maybe to remind to myself who I really am. An alcoholic." Some day, you might instead write: "Maybe to remind to myself who I really am. An alcoholic who is finding out what I need to know to become sober." I can't speak for others, but I'd bet that every one of us with long-time sobriety could say something like the latter on our way to sobriety. Maybe it's time to think of yourself as an alcoholic with a future as being a sober alcoholic? You can go that direction, a whole bunch of us already have.

catch-22

Thank you for the advice, very much appreciated. Yes, I'm in a rut, but looking forward to coming out of it very very soon!