TheWayBack

I used to post here. I think in 2021. It seems this has been going on for a long time.

As best as I an remember it, I had stopped drinking and found this site. Some time after that, I cannot remember when, but it's been quite a while, I started drinking again and it just spiraled downhill. I was drinking every night, beer, but a LOT of beer. I became a couch potato. I should say desk potato because I spent most of my time here, drinking at my desk. Every evening, after work until passed out.

One day about 3 months ago, I was working late and suddenly realized I did not have any beer in the house and it was too late even to order online. I thought 'Wow, I probably have not went without a beer, in how long? 6 moths? More?'. Anyway, next day, the same thing happened and the next day I just did not feel the urge and I thought 'I really need to quit, I'm fat, out of shape, my wife is not happy about me drinking ever day.'. And that was it, last day I had a beer, 94 days ago to be exact.

Surprisingly, I did not really have withdrawals, or if I did, it was very mild. After a few weeks, I started exercising and doing things around the house, feeling much better. Wife was happy, I felt good. Well, much better. But after a few more weeks, I started feeling sort of depressed in the evenings. Sort of that dead feeling, no joy in life. So I thought, OK, I have been here before. This happens when I quit before and I have to beat it this time. So I started taking every vitamin, herbal supplement, nootropic, etc, etc, I could get my hands on to ward off the low mood. No illegal drugs mind you, only things that should be safe. And it worked! I lost weight, was feeling great and no thought of the alcohol.

Then about 70ish days after I stopped, something totally unexpected and terrible happened. I woke up one morning and I just felt off, weird, and not in a good way. This went on all day and the next day, I was much worse. I told my wife 'Something is wrong'. I started experiencing really bad anxiety and the next day I wound up at the emergency room in a full on panic attack. What was happening to me?

This turned out to be the most traumatic experience of my total life. Not sure I'd go back to a ER even if I knew I would die. Certainly not that one. The place was more like an insane asylum with the inmates running the asylum than like a hospital. Junkies on the lobby floor vomiting, people screaming like lunatics, the staff, really the staff in knock down drag out fights with each other. Security just walking around ignoring it. We were leaving, I told a nurse to take the IV out of my arm and then somehow miraculously (unfortunately?), they found a doctor to see me. By that time, I was completely freaking out. I told them I was having a panic attack. My BP was systolic over 200 and my HR was more than 100. And I was extremely thirsty and hyperventilating.

Now here is what happened. They gave me 2 blood pressure pills. Not nitro, not anything IV, just two BP pills and sent me home. I was so happy to be out of that nut house, I did not argue with them and we just left.

Since then, my life has been a horror. I have the worst anxiety, panic attack, and depression. If you've never had that, it is hard to imagine. I think I am dying and that I will die. I have zero joy in life. I thank God every day that I have somehow been able to hold on to my job. I cannot focus on anything for 10 seconds. I am TOTALLY faking it because I can still BS, and that is about it. I make tons of mistakes no matter what I do. I cannot focus or organize anything. I am driving my wife crazy and she thinks I am crazy. Maybe I am. Yesterday I washed my hair with shower gel and wondered what is wrong with my hair. I look awful, I have lost 35 lbs. I am still overweight, but I look like I aged 30 years in a week.

I went to the doctor. They have ran every lab test on me and NOTHING. I'm sick. Now I am weak, I cannot exercise more. I have pain in every part of my body. The dr put me on anti-anxiety meds. It is a placebo, it does nothing, nothing at all. Dr says it could be psychological. I just cannot believe that, I don't believe it. I research every horrible disease known to man and I have symptoms for every single one of them.

What has happened to me? Did I burn out every single dopamine, gaba, and serotonin receptor in my brain or did I just to massive damage to my body and mind, and now am condemned to this absolute hell forever?

Anyone experience anything like this before? There are waiting lists for good drs. I'm on all of them. Appointment to see psychiatrist next week, which I expect to be an absolute joke that could be put on SNL. I cannot see a good dr, not because I can't afford it, because they are all concierge and have massive waiting lists! I told my wife I want to leave the country to get medical care. My passport expired and it's taking forever to renew. I sometimes just want to get in the car and drive until I run out of gas and just start walking, to somewhere I do not know.

I wish alcohol had never been invented, it ruined my life.

TheWayBack

Accidentally submitted twice, not sure how to remove the duplicate.

Dee74

I got it

welcome back - I'm sorry you've been through so much trauma.
ERs are good for lots of things, but less so for panic attacks etc.

Have you heard of Paws? it may hold some of the answers you seek.
https://web.archive.org/web/20160316015346/http://digital-dharma.net/post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome-why-we-dont-get-better-immediately/

Personally, I wouldn't underestimate your Drs suggestion either.

I wasn't a believer in psychosomatic things either but I'd get so anxious I made myself sick. There's nothing shameful in it - its just the way some of us are made?

D

TheWayBack

Hi, I remember you. Thank you! I think I did hear about PAWs when here before. Don't remember it, but will research it now.

Dee74

I swapped out the PAWS link - same article but slightly more readable form
https://web.archive.org/web/20160316...r-immediately/

VikingGF

It does sound like PAWS. Sometimes just knowing it’s a real thing can help you deal with the symptoms, you’re not going crazy!

TheWayBack

That PAWs article sounds exactly like me at work. It's so accurate it's uncanny.

TheWayBack

It's unreal how much it sounds like it. It's my every day written down concisely. I'm a software engineer and it's not like I'm staring at code and am like 'What is that?'. I know exactly what it is, but I cannot focus on anything for 5 seconds. I was working with one of my colleagues a few days ago and we were sort of tag teaming on something and when it was my turn, I started and then there was this long pause because my mind went to another subject and just stuck there. He noticed it, I am sure, which is terrifying to me that anyone will notice this. It's not that I cannot do my job, it's just taking me forever and I make mistakes and space out that that because I cannot focus. I could do this stuff drunk as as can be and never miss a beat. I didn't do that, I never started drinking until after work, but I could have. I know it was hurting me, but I didn't notice it and it seems no one else did either. Now I am terrified someone will think 'what is wrong with him?'. That is the scariest thing about this besides being terrified that I am dying from some disease caused by my drinking.

TheWayBack

The first couple of weeks after my visit to the ER, my anxiety, panic attacks, and depression was so hellishly severe that I repeatedly told my wife that I'm dying and I told other people, my son-in-law, who I am close to, my sister. I was also convinced I had brain damage. Well, I may sounds like from the addiction. I had a CT done and they found some stuff, like some small vessel damage and senescent changes. My wife showed the scan to her friend who is a neurologist and she said, it's mostly normal for a 62 year old and I need to manage my BP and probably not drink, but I'm probably not dying and it is mostly all in my mind because I am depressed.

Whether or not I am dying, this was REAL to me. The mind is a powerful thing that can send you on a trip straight to hell. Everything triggers me into bad anxiety and panic attacks. The smallest of things will do it. When it first happened, I could not do my job at all. It was shocking. I couldn't even finish an email. I always pay our bills and I had to have my wife do it because I could not. This has improved, but I am still having serious focus issues and cannot even organize my own affairs. I forget stuff. At first, I was an accident waiting to happen, I dropped stuff, knocked stuff off shelves, ran into the wall. It's better now, but I'm not well.

I don't know if this was so sudden because I tried to cover for the lack of alcohol with all the herbs and nootropics and just got a huge rebound effect. This is scary.

Grymt

What really matters is what your relationship to your bodily and mental feelings/sensations are. You seem to be totally buying into whatever ephemeral process that is happening. This habit can change if you train correctly. There are techniques that improves focus by repeatedly focusing on simple truths of what is happening in the present moment without identifying with them and clinging to or rejecting them but just being mindful of their coming and going. This leads to a letting go and relaxation that leads to a serene outlook.

advbike

Sorry to hear of your experience. I would also mention that herbal supplements are completely unregulated and can have lots of side effects - individually they can be helpful at times, but you might have picked a bad combination that exacerbated the anxiety - even B vitamins can do that to some people.

Grymt

Also check for any intake of synthetic speed or opiates. They are in some medications. Overuse over a long time can cause psychotic breaks. They are often the alcoholics goto that may seem ok at a time of need of energy but really are poison.

TheWayBack

There's no way any of the stuff I am taking has anything like that in it. But admittedly, some of them do have some psychoactive effects, they are known for it. Some of them are Noopept, Phenibut, and Ashwaghanda. The effects are very mild compared to prescription medicine or illegal drugs. But I think maybe it is best to just lay off all of them for now, just in case they are exacerbating my psychological issues.

Grymt

Ok. And again I speak from experience. Do research into the stuff you may self medicate with. Look particularly into side effects and how they may interact with other things and cause problems.



Though, as I indicated earlier, there are very safe effective things to do that naturally ( no medications ) address things like focus and anxiety.



You owe it to your self and family to sort this out and it sounds like you can. I wish you all the best.

TheWayBack

Just one word: Anhedonia. This might be worse than the anxiety. How long can this last? It's horrid.