Lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Santa paula,Ca
Posts: 40
Lost
Self-loathing! Really sucks I’m so tired of being tired. The more I try the more I fail. I feel so lost I can’t keep doing this. I just keep messing up and it keeps getting bigger and bigger and I keep wondering to myself what do I want to happen to get it together. I don’t wanna not getting in trouble or hurting somebody or hurting myself. Because when I’m drunk I feel like I’m capable of anything and when I say hurt somebody I mean I get so belligerent I want to fight people or what if I’m annoying so I want to fight me. I have such a good job yet I’m looking for I don’t know what I’m looking for. I just feel lost and I just wanna crawl up and hide somewhere. I didn’t come to work yesterday but I needed to be here so I am here today but I’m so much in my head. I just feel lost.I just feel lost.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey Justme,
I know the feeling. I spent an awful lot of time feeling trapped in everything. I would drink to escape that feeling, but it was a bad exit because there was a brick wall just behind the door. Sometimes (too many times), it came to the point where I believed there was literally no way out of the mess I'd made of myself.
For me, the self-loathing came before the drinking. When I 'found' alcohol, I learned that it was a really good way to make me not care about that trapped feeling. But only when I was drinking. In between drinking, I'd feel anxious, depressed and trapped again. It's a vicious cycle, isn't it?
I'm sure you know that the only way out of that cycle is to stop drinking. And after you stop drinking, start making changes. That sounds so simple, but I know it's very difficult to do. Changing my perception of myself was really hard work. It only came after taking a thorough look inside after I'd finished drinking, and that was very scary. But what I found was my true self, and she's a-ok. Maybe that's what you're looking for; your authentic self?
O
I know the feeling. I spent an awful lot of time feeling trapped in everything. I would drink to escape that feeling, but it was a bad exit because there was a brick wall just behind the door. Sometimes (too many times), it came to the point where I believed there was literally no way out of the mess I'd made of myself.
For me, the self-loathing came before the drinking. When I 'found' alcohol, I learned that it was a really good way to make me not care about that trapped feeling. But only when I was drinking. In between drinking, I'd feel anxious, depressed and trapped again. It's a vicious cycle, isn't it?
I'm sure you know that the only way out of that cycle is to stop drinking. And after you stop drinking, start making changes. That sounds so simple, but I know it's very difficult to do. Changing my perception of myself was really hard work. It only came after taking a thorough look inside after I'd finished drinking, and that was very scary. But what I found was my true self, and she's a-ok. Maybe that's what you're looking for; your authentic self?
O
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Justme2016 
The more I try the more I fail. I feel so lost I can’t keep doing this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Australia
Posts: 74
Hi Justme,
I know exactly what you are going through. I felt restless and lost for the longest time. Drinking felt like it helped, and it felt like it was part of the life I thought I was looking for.
The problem was that the more I drank the worse I felt and then the more I drank. It took me until I decided to take a year long break from grog to realise the simple truth. That Alcohol even in relatively small regular amounts affected how I thought massively.
Now most people would say this is ******** but I can assure you at least in my case it was true. I could drink a six pack on Friday night and feel restless but demotivated for much of the next week.
However, once I took a long break from drinking within a couple weeks that demotivated restlessness disappeared. While before I could barely find the energy to just exist I found without drinking I just was a different person, friendly, more in control, and far more happy.
Maybe give it a shot? What do you have to lose?
I know exactly what you are going through. I felt restless and lost for the longest time. Drinking felt like it helped, and it felt like it was part of the life I thought I was looking for.
The problem was that the more I drank the worse I felt and then the more I drank. It took me until I decided to take a year long break from grog to realise the simple truth. That Alcohol even in relatively small regular amounts affected how I thought massively.
Now most people would say this is ******** but I can assure you at least in my case it was true. I could drink a six pack on Friday night and feel restless but demotivated for much of the next week.
However, once I took a long break from drinking within a couple weeks that demotivated restlessness disappeared. While before I could barely find the energy to just exist I found without drinking I just was a different person, friendly, more in control, and far more happy.
Maybe give it a shot? What do you have to lose?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 781
Active alcoholism can get really lonely.
I seemed to have discovered alcohol at just the right time. I was 14 and my head was an absolute mess. Alcohol instantly made me comfortable around people. Almost like a super hero I could turn into if I could only score some alcohol.
I had some good times drinking for years. As my drinking went on the benefits seemed to diminish while the consequences got worse. This pattern only continues. I can remember some brown outs having a conversation with a stranger and totally forgetting what I said 2 minutes ago. They must think I'm crazy. In the end I preferred to just drink alone. Those 20 something nights at the club turned into middle aged drinking at home and smoking crack.
For decades I could not imagine a life without alcohol. I would always sober up, back burner my drinking just when I had to because I had an idea of what recovery meant. Recovery meant no alcohol and no way was that going to happen, or so I thought.
No one will understand. I'm not like other people. I have too much anxiety, too much depression. I'm different then people in recovery because I really need alcohol.
Until I really landed in hot water and everything was in jeopardy. The first thing that shocked me about walking into an AA meeting was how much I actually had in common with others. I was able to just let go. I thought about a concept of God and trusted in God. I trusted that if I followed along with other Alcoholics who were now sober, I would probably get sober too. I was able to put aside all that I felt hanging over my head and just live in the present. Early on I felt a load come off of my shoulders, even though there were still consequences to face.
To me its like one of those little kid, summer camp games. Where you fall straight back and let someone catch you. Let go, trust recovery, trust God, trust us. We trusted alcohol too long. Time and time again alcohol lets us fall and laughs when we hit the ground.
I seemed to have discovered alcohol at just the right time. I was 14 and my head was an absolute mess. Alcohol instantly made me comfortable around people. Almost like a super hero I could turn into if I could only score some alcohol.
I had some good times drinking for years. As my drinking went on the benefits seemed to diminish while the consequences got worse. This pattern only continues. I can remember some brown outs having a conversation with a stranger and totally forgetting what I said 2 minutes ago. They must think I'm crazy. In the end I preferred to just drink alone. Those 20 something nights at the club turned into middle aged drinking at home and smoking crack.
For decades I could not imagine a life without alcohol. I would always sober up, back burner my drinking just when I had to because I had an idea of what recovery meant. Recovery meant no alcohol and no way was that going to happen, or so I thought.
No one will understand. I'm not like other people. I have too much anxiety, too much depression. I'm different then people in recovery because I really need alcohol.
Until I really landed in hot water and everything was in jeopardy. The first thing that shocked me about walking into an AA meeting was how much I actually had in common with others. I was able to just let go. I thought about a concept of God and trusted in God. I trusted that if I followed along with other Alcoholics who were now sober, I would probably get sober too. I was able to put aside all that I felt hanging over my head and just live in the present. Early on I felt a load come off of my shoulders, even though there were still consequences to face.
To me its like one of those little kid, summer camp games. Where you fall straight back and let someone catch you. Let go, trust recovery, trust God, trust us. We trusted alcohol too long. Time and time again alcohol lets us fall and laughs when we hit the ground.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 97
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
That has to be frustrating. Looking back over your old posts, it seems by "trying" you mean trying to control your drinking. I don't think alcoholics can moderate or control their drinking. But we can quit drinking. And there are things you can do to support that decision. But you have to want to quit. And then commit to quitting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,232
i get like this fairly often. For me i have to let the stuff in my head settle. I need quiet alone time. a walk or a run alone helps but sometimes thats simply not enough. When i first got sober i one by one backed out of basically any other obligation but getting to work and remaining sober. I jsut couldnt juggle it all. Then little by little i added stuff in that I wanted to do. This allowed me to help let the dust settle and then slowly ease back into things. This was a fairly drastic approach but it worked well for me. I'm facing a simlier struggle again and am contimplating this approach again i'm sorta gingerly doing it anyhow by saying no to things so i can just rest and be alone to let my mind calms so i can maybe get some clarity and figure out what i need to do next.
I think i understand how you feel. i'd try and hang in there its ok to be easy on yourself and to take a break.
I think i understand how you feel. i'd try and hang in there its ok to be easy on yourself and to take a break.
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