BullDog777

Well, it's pin cushion time. I hate this time of year.

So, it seems as though my gallbladder is going south. My last ultrasound showed stones. So I gotta see a gastro Dr. for it. A specialist. Same dude who is going to tell me the extent of my cirrhosis.

My liver ultrasound is tomorrow and my appt with the gastro dr. is next tues. So I'll probably know where everything stands maybe by the end of next week.

My blood tests all came back good. Liver enzymes are normal. I have to get a liver cancer test every year now and the AFT tumor marker showed me negative for cancer so that's good. Kidneys, heart and pancreas are all ok. Just treading water until my gallbladder and liver can be really looked into by a specialist.

This is the part I've been dreading.

I've known about the liver disease since last year. I know I also have esophageal varacies as well. What I don't know is to what extent. My GP seems to think that my good blood test results are indicative of someone not into end stage failure. I don't know much else. I don't know if I wanna know much else.

I feel good.. strong and healthy.

I hope I'm ok. I'm kinda sweating this a lot. Not for me-but for who depends on me.

There's no situation that tells me it's ok to let up being like iron. I have to keep at this with the same rigor as I always have. That's how I survive. I just hope God and I are on the same page. I don't want my story to be over yet.

When all of this is figured out, I'll check back and let everyone know.

Let me be a cautionary tale. If you keep thinking there's anything left for you out there. There isn't. There never was and there never will be. You can save yourself the BS I gotta now go through for the rest of my life. I can tell you with zero hesitation-I have only one regret. I wished I had gotten this sooner.

Be good people. A few prayers wouldn't hurt.

thanks.

Dee74

All signs point to your results being good BD - certainly better than you fear I think?
all the same, I'll be rooting for you, man

D

Grymt

I wish you and your family peace and happiness.

As I'm not a theist I can't pray but as a Buddhist I think of you when practicing goodwill to all beings.

silentrun

Yours is also the heroes journey BD.

Obladi

I'm glad that you have a safe place to come and talk about your anxiety, BD. I suspect that - for you - the anticipation of all of this testing and waiting is probably worse than facing the outcome. If only we could invent the magic spell that conjures you forward a week...

For what it's worth, it does sound like your initial results are sounding decent. Gallbladder can be dealt with, the liver indicators are good. I'm not sure about varices, whether that's a done deal or whether they can heal with time. But you've eliminated your #1 risk factor for those rupturing since you don't drink and will not.

I pray that God will grant you the serenity, the courage and the wisdom.
God knows you have all of those things in large scale, BD. This is just another step to trudge. Keep feeling, keep talking.

xo
O

BullDog777

I had my first appt with the gastro dr today. It was terrifying. Mainly due to my anxiety levels when it comes to news i don't wanna hear. I brought my wife along so she could be my ears while I fell apart.

I have to get more tests. They have to measure the scar tissue in my liver with something called a Fibroscan. It'll measure the density to tell how deep the scarring is.

I have to get 3 more blood tests and an endoscopy to look at my varacies. This s#I!s#ow won't be over until June 10th. That's when I have the sit down follow up with my gastro dr. I absolutely abhor the waiting. It's absolute torture.

I NEED to get at least another 10 years. My daughter is only 15. It's hard not to punish myself for this going forward. Because I could have done better. God help me-I'm so angry at myself for taking so long to get clean.

Dee74

I know its worrying but you've already done the best thing you can for your liver - you've quit.
Fear is a big one to manage, but there's still no real indication that you're on your last legs.

Try and keep a healthy positive perspective as much as you can
D

Grymt

There is anger for taking so long. It's a heavy burden to carry. There can also be gratitude for making it. Gratitude for meeting all the wonderful people, wife, children, friends and them getting to meet the sober you. Embracing the wonderful, as it is today, can lighten the load.

BullDog777

Well all 3 tests have been done. I get the results from the liver fibroscan and the blood test on June 10th. The endoscopy was done last week. Well, all the results are in, I just don't know how to read them and the DR. isn't available until the 10th. So...another week of torture. Embrace the suck.

Something weird. The dr. said there were no esophageal varacies. Not one. Nothing. So I'm taking that as a miracle because they were there before.

I doubt I'm gonna get off that easy on the liver scan and blood tests. Still pretty terrified, but not for me.

I've been doing a lot of therapy lately.

I came to the conclusion that I don't have the right to carry such guilt for my years out there. When it comes down to it, I had a neurological disorder that made it impossible for me to sleep without medication. So what they gave me I got addicted to. Then they were all out of answers. I tried to get help dozens of times. I caught a lot of crap for being a drunk and addict and was treated like trash for that. I did the best I could with what I had. So after a week in ICU and then rehab, it took a neurologist and an addiction specialist to figure out what was causing the sleeping disorder. They surmised that I have been in a constant state of withdrawal for the last 25 years. I had been rotating one substance out for another and so forth. When I got clean, it took a little time, but it went away. That was 6 years ago.

So there's my update. I have one more week until I get the results and then we'll see what happens.

Thanks for listening.

Dee74

Still hoping for good results for you BD.
Letting go of the guilt sounds like a good idea to me

D

Free2bme888

Bulldog, six years clean is wonderful, your daughter was nine……

Congrats on that time, and sending positive vibes 🤓❤️

Obladi

If the results were really frightening, you wouldn’t be allowed to wait a week to hear about them. Aggravating, but I think it’s true.

Great news on the varices! Also, I’m really glad your into therapy and learning to forgive yourself. Healing all around…

Pulling for you.

O

VikingGF

Fingers crossed for you Bulldog. I agree with Obladi, bad news doesn't usually wait so long..... Great news on the varices, our body does heal if there is any chance of it!

BullDog777

In less than 24 hours I'll know. Part of me wants to go all crazytrain and create a path of destruction unparalleled in my past. To wake up the monster and just let him steer the ship with zero F$%ks to give.

However, the last 6 years in recovery have given me tools to help me deal with what I'm feeling and not to create certain destruction and pain for those who love me. I'm not doing this for any other reason. If not for my family, I'd be gone. 100%. So I owe them my best until I can't give it any more.

I know that I catastrophize things that most people wouldn't. I know my mind doesn't process information like most. The therapy has helped me recognize when it's happening, but it's still hard to work through the actual PTSD that I get spiraled into as a result of it.

So that's why I'm posting here. I gotta get it out of my head somehow. I'm sick of talking to my therapist about it. That's one of the reasons why I love this place. I can purge all the BS that's in my head trying to kill me. That's the part of the line "What we have is a daily reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition" that I love. This is the maintenance. This is where I can unload it and leave it...even if just for a little while.

thanks for listening...I pray I'll be here tomorrow sharing some good news. I know I don't deserve it, but I so love my life now. Every crappy day I had in early sobriety was so worth the peace I've had the last few years.

-J

Obladi

Everyone deserves to love their life, BD.
Especially you.

Sometimess the best thing to do with all of that anxiety is absolutely nothing. Sort of like Dee's oft-recommended urge-surfing, there's something to be said for doing the same with that terror that sometimes comes in to sit on our chests.

I'm glad tomorrow is finally the day!

O

BullDog777

Thanks so much for the kind words. You made me feel better.

BullDog777

Ok-so everything is back. I've spoken with the DR. He said first and foremost that I could live another 20-30 years if I take care of myself. They don't wanna take my gallbladder because 2 of my liver numbers were still mildly elevated and they don't want to risk any complications. So they're just gonna monitor me and hopefully everything goes smooth.He said continue with the weight loss and that'll help the most. This won't ever be perfect, but I can live with this.

Prayers answered.

Thank you to everyone who reached out. I have a lot of love for you people.

-Jeff.

silentrun

Way to go Jeff!

Dee74

Glad there were no nasty surprises BD

D

Dropsie

I have been thinking of you. I am so glad you got the results you deserve!