KAD65

Last night, I joined a few other members of my AA home group to take a meeting to an addictions treatment facility. Usually, the patients who attend don't speak up, but at the end of this meeting, one of them did. She was a young woman and she began by saying she isn't an alcoholic, but she suspects the father of her children is. She began to cry as she asked, "Why does he hate me and our children so much? Why does he get drunk and beat us all the time?" My heart was breaking for her!

It was an opportunity to see, firsthand, the fallout that can occur with our addictions. Personally, I never became violent when I drank, but I could be a really irritable, sarcastic jerk. Words can do great harm, as well. I had an ex-girlfriend who said she'd prefer a punch to the face to some of the things I had said when I was drunk. I have known numerous people within AA who do have a history of becoming violent. That's what makes this illness so difficult for others to understand or empathize with. As it states in the Big Book of AA, "The alcoholic is like a tornado, roaring his way through the lives of others."

I felt helpless to provide any comfort to this woman and it has stuck with me ever since. A few others assured her that an alcoholic is sick and not in his right mind. We also directed her to Al-Anon to get some support from others who are in the same predicament. I pray she is also directed to a safe place for her and her children.

ScottFromWI

It's pretty startling to see that kind of reaction and heartbreaking indeed. While I was not physically abusive when I was actively drinking, I still caused a tremendous amount of damage to those around me. And it absolutely makes it hard for others to empathize with our plight as addicts.

Having said that, I'm not sure others will ever understand - we have a hard enough time understanding it ourselves. And while alcoholics do roar through others lives like a tornado, unlike a real tornado we have the choice to prevent the clouds from forming in the first place.

jtennery

Indeed. I was more than capable of being a complete train wreck while drinking. Some switch would just flip and I would have no control over it. I realize people will not understand that and the damage is done. Oddly enough there were some people that never changed their favorable opinion of me and that always caught me off guard. Never enjoyed hurting people with my words nor enjoyed the shame and embarrassment that went with it.

KAD65

I experienced this, as well, particularly with the ex-girlfriend I mentioned in the original post. She gave me numerous chances to get sober when we were together, but finally gave up trying when I wrecked my car and broke my neck. However, we still stay in touch and are friends. In fact, when I was 1 year sober, we both considered giving things another try, but I came to the conclusion that it probably wasn't a good idea. But others, like my ex-wife and my 2 children, want nothing to do with me. It's only partially up to us to repair broken relationships. In recovery, we do our part, but we have no control over when, or whether or not, others will give us a chance to make things right with them.

RecklessEric

With respect, it's possible that this woman needs to be advised to get away from her partner and bring charges against him.
Surely it's of little comfort to be told that the person who beats you and your children is "not in his right mind".

KAD65

We were there only as an AA group. None of us is/was qualified to assist this woman in getting to a safer place. However, she was in a treatment facility where there are people who are qualified to do just that. We provided comfort to her to the extent that we were able. She stayed to pick up more information on the program and spoke to a couple of women in the group, so I think she left feeling like she had some direction. That is the service we are there to offer.

Gottalife

Great thread Kad. One of the best kept secrets in AA is the reward of going out of our way to help others, by carrying the AA message of hope into institutions. My home group does this each week. Often 10 or more will show up and try to carry the message to some real, end of the road, alcoholics. Very occasionally we manage to reach one of them, and I am sure we plant a few seeds, but the really interesting thing is the rapid progress our own newcomers seem to make when the get into helping others.

Everyone who comes to AA gets to experience the spirit of the fellowship. Much fewer are those who get to join the Fellowship of the Spirit, the admission price of which seems to be looking outwards, not inwards, get away from self, help someone else. That's the thing Kad, and as I am sure you will find out, there is another level of existence to be found in AA, far more wonderful than we could ever have imagined. See you on the road!