Addicted since in utero
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Addicted since in utero
Hi all -
I have been submerged in "Quit Like a Woman" by Holly Wittaker these last few days. And something she wrote kinda freaked me out.
"Remember a time back in your life, when you werent addicted. When you were free from substance abuse and could find the simplest of things joyful. Maybe when you were little, or in early teenage years before the alcohol became a social lubricant".
I'm triggered.
I was born to a mother who abuse alcohol and nicotine and valium and was admittedly hungover when she went into labor. And then, offered alcohol at the age of maybe as young as 3 (?) to "settle me down". Not to mention, recollecting chugging her drinks when I was about 5-6 because I realized that the "water" in mommy's glass made her crazy.
I know, I know, super super freaking sad...
I have always only known addiction - it is my baseline. Literally formed in the womb. Literally my ENTIRE life. My whole entire existence.
My entire physiology was built on addictive substances and promulgated and furthered in my need to mitigate that.
I think there is hope for me to break this, but I have never met anyone like me since I have started down this sobriety journey a decade ago.
There IS hope for me......right ? There is, right ? :'(
I have been submerged in "Quit Like a Woman" by Holly Wittaker these last few days. And something she wrote kinda freaked me out.
"Remember a time back in your life, when you werent addicted. When you were free from substance abuse and could find the simplest of things joyful. Maybe when you were little, or in early teenage years before the alcohol became a social lubricant".
I'm triggered.
I was born to a mother who abuse alcohol and nicotine and valium and was admittedly hungover when she went into labor. And then, offered alcohol at the age of maybe as young as 3 (?) to "settle me down". Not to mention, recollecting chugging her drinks when I was about 5-6 because I realized that the "water" in mommy's glass made her crazy.
I know, I know, super super freaking sad...
I have always only known addiction - it is my baseline. Literally formed in the womb. Literally my ENTIRE life. My whole entire existence.
My entire physiology was built on addictive substances and promulgated and furthered in my need to mitigate that.
I think there is hope for me to break this, but I have never met anyone like me since I have started down this sobriety journey a decade ago.
There IS hope for me......right ? There is, right ? :'(
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
There is not only hope but hard evidence that indeed, you can be an addict yet live a productive/happy/abstinent life. Even just within the virtual walls of SR you will find many, many stories of those who have changed their lives regardless of their beginning.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Sure is O—my mom drank and chain-smoked her way to my actual birthday—my dad, while drunk, tried to deliver me via cesarean section a la’ butcher knife shortly before, but she escaped and hid in a rose arbor until he passed out. So yes, many of us were / are brought into the world against all sober odds, and yet we survive.
It seems impossible sometimes to overcome the setbacks of growing up in a toxic, addicted home. I was also “finger-dipping” scotch whiskey before I started school. I openly kept my bottle of Stoly next to my bed at age 16. It has cost nearly everything for many years to overcome this, but I think these days I refuse to let my past dictate my present or future.
I don’t have a “absolute” answer—I still struggle, but I do offer solidarity. Have you been able to stay quit off booze and all else mind-altering? The one thing I do know is that is the first step. A “little” “occasionally” is simply not part of our physical or mental aptitudes coming from where we did.
I am happier and more at peace compared to the past. I have learned things and forgiven many events and treatment I once thought unforgivable. I understand more now. I still have plenty of work to do, but I also know I will never quit quitting alcohol no matter how many times I have to start over. The greatest peace and contentment I feel now is when sober. That is a total turn-around from when I began recovery efforts—back then, the drink was the medicine to numb and make things bearable. Not anymore—my souls knows it for the poison it is.
So yes, I have hope and belief that I can recover, and am recovering from a very difficult child and adulthood dealing with a toxic family situation. It absolutely can be done, small steps (sometimes backward before progress) at a time. You can do this—you are titanium which has survived the toughest temper one can live through. You are here as your own evidence of that.
Stop by O’s thread and say Hi if you feel like it—some old friends there who would love a visit, including me
It seems impossible sometimes to overcome the setbacks of growing up in a toxic, addicted home. I was also “finger-dipping” scotch whiskey before I started school. I openly kept my bottle of Stoly next to my bed at age 16. It has cost nearly everything for many years to overcome this, but I think these days I refuse to let my past dictate my present or future.
I don’t have a “absolute” answer—I still struggle, but I do offer solidarity. Have you been able to stay quit off booze and all else mind-altering? The one thing I do know is that is the first step. A “little” “occasionally” is simply not part of our physical or mental aptitudes coming from where we did.
I am happier and more at peace compared to the past. I have learned things and forgiven many events and treatment I once thought unforgivable. I understand more now. I still have plenty of work to do, but I also know I will never quit quitting alcohol no matter how many times I have to start over. The greatest peace and contentment I feel now is when sober. That is a total turn-around from when I began recovery efforts—back then, the drink was the medicine to numb and make things bearable. Not anymore—my souls knows it for the poison it is.
So yes, I have hope and belief that I can recover, and am recovering from a very difficult child and adulthood dealing with a toxic family situation. It absolutely can be done, small steps (sometimes backward before progress) at a time. You can do this—you are titanium which has survived the toughest temper one can live through. You are here as your own evidence of that.
Stop by O’s thread and say Hi if you feel like it—some old friends there who would love a visit, including me
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,205
I'm sure you can do it alpha, I am have not been in your shoes but maybe just keep in mind that the physical/chemical aspect of the addiction is the same for you as anyone else and maybe the psychological, in your head side of things might not be so bad. My own experience was that once I FINALLY, after many failures, worked out how to tackle the physical addiction then the mental side of it became less daunting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Sorry to hear, it's utterly inexcusable to do that to a child.
Have you read "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts", by Gabor Mate, Md.? He worked with homeless drug addicts in Vancouver, many of whom were abused and traumatized, or born of addicts, and it is an eye opening story. My childhood wasn't that bad, but there was a lot of loss, and chaos, and it really helped me to understand that emotional "void" I have always had to some extent which led to substance and alcohol abuse, many relationships, and lots of spending on stuff to try and fill it.
Have you read "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts", by Gabor Mate, Md.? He worked with homeless drug addicts in Vancouver, many of whom were abused and traumatized, or born of addicts, and it is an eye opening story. My childhood wasn't that bad, but there was a lot of loss, and chaos, and it really helped me to understand that emotional "void" I have always had to some extent which led to substance and alcohol abuse, many relationships, and lots of spending on stuff to try and fill it.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: Nottingham, UK
Posts: 150
Hi Alpha
Wow, that a tough early life you had
. Mine was tough too but not from a drinking aspect.
I definitely think you can get sober and enjoy a good life.
People can turn bad horrible episodes into good things.
For example have you heard of Simon Weston? He was badly burnt in the 1982 Falklands war. He had a lot of pain, went through numerous operations and (not surprisingly) had severe depression and took to alcohol. But he accepted how he looked, moved out of his parents, married and had kids and set up a charity. He travels all over the world giving talks etc. He's happy, Now he describes his injuries as the best thing that happened to him because he says plainly 'look at all the good that came from it'.
I find people like Simon Weston so inspirational and that 'where there is life, there is HOPE'.
You've got this girl.
Wow, that a tough early life you had
. Mine was tough too but not from a drinking aspect.I definitely think you can get sober and enjoy a good life.
People can turn bad horrible episodes into good things.
For example have you heard of Simon Weston? He was badly burnt in the 1982 Falklands war. He had a lot of pain, went through numerous operations and (not surprisingly) had severe depression and took to alcohol. But he accepted how he looked, moved out of his parents, married and had kids and set up a charity. He travels all over the world giving talks etc. He's happy, Now he describes his injuries as the best thing that happened to him because he says plainly 'look at all the good that came from it'.
I find people like Simon Weston so inspirational and that 'where there is life, there is HOPE'.
You've got this girl
. Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
I’m sure you can do it AO.
It’s tragic but there are surely literally millions of kids in our age group and others who have experienced FASD
Fetal Alcohol SpectrumDisorder or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) as it’s known in some countries.
this is an Australian site and I’m sure there must be similar sites and organisations where you are.
Some of the information here may help you anyway.
https://www.nofasd.org.au/parents-ca...who-have-fasd/
Even when the beginning was horrific, I believe the ending to your story can be brilliant, AO.
D
It’s tragic but there are surely literally millions of kids in our age group and others who have experienced FASD
Fetal Alcohol SpectrumDisorder or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) as it’s known in some countries.
this is an Australian site and I’m sure there must be similar sites and organisations where you are.
Some of the information here may help you anyway.
https://www.nofasd.org.au/parents-ca...who-have-fasd/
Even when the beginning was horrific, I believe the ending to your story can be brilliant, AO.
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
AO,
I was sad to read your post, and did not face those challenges as a child.
But in hind sight, I do think I was basically addicted to alcohol from my first sip at about 11. My Dad was an alcoholic, bi polar and I am a lot like him, but he did not drink at home - mom did not go there (after they split, another story but he always functioned).
I took Holly's course before she went big time and found it helpful. She can be a bit full of herself sometimes, but her heart is in the right place and her message is spot on though - we got this!
I was sad to read your post, and did not face those challenges as a child.
But in hind sight, I do think I was basically addicted to alcohol from my first sip at about 11. My Dad was an alcoholic, bi polar and I am a lot like him, but he did not drink at home - mom did not go there (after they split, another story but he always functioned).
I took Holly's course before she went big time and found it helpful. She can be a bit full of herself sometimes, but her heart is in the right place and her message is spot on though - we got this!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: London
Posts: 333
That made me laugh my butt off.
"Remember a time back in your life, when you weren't addicted. When you were free from substance abuse and could find the simplest of things joyful. Maybe when you were little, or in early teenage years before the alcohol became a social lubricant".
Wow it's amazing how different all our journeys are! I cannot remember a time of joy at any age. I drank because i felt like utter crap all of the time, growing up was a warzone, father was a drinker, horrendous emotional abuse etc. Not much time to be wonderfully joyful about the world. I can't understand the journey of someone who has had a lovely childhood into adult years and then just getting caught up with drinking?! But there must be people out there that have this journey as, i guess, the book you are reading wouldn't have much of an audience?
You aren't alone. I can't believe that quote lol. Burn that book!
"Remember a time back in your life, when you weren't addicted. When you were free from substance abuse and could find the simplest of things joyful. Maybe when you were little, or in early teenage years before the alcohol became a social lubricant".
Wow it's amazing how different all our journeys are! I cannot remember a time of joy at any age. I drank because i felt like utter crap all of the time, growing up was a warzone, father was a drinker, horrendous emotional abuse etc. Not much time to be wonderfully joyful about the world. I can't understand the journey of someone who has had a lovely childhood into adult years and then just getting caught up with drinking?! But there must be people out there that have this journey as, i guess, the book you are reading wouldn't have much of an audience?
You aren't alone. I can't believe that quote lol. Burn that book!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Yes, you can get through this, AO.
It used to set my teeth on edge when I'd hear people in recovery say, "I just want to get my life back." I was all like, "I don't have a life to get back." Even railed for a good long time about the use of the word "recovery" for the same reason. Recover.... what? And you know what? I was right. There was nothing for me to get back, but thank the Good Lord and all of her heavenly saints for that because I didn't want any part of it.
My mother is a teetotaler but dad drank throughout my childhood. A lot. I developed asthma or allergies or something they couldn't figure out when I was just a wee thing (4 or 5) and the drug d'jour was amphetamines + a heavy benzo. I loved that stuff, man. But it was a secret I kept to my little 5-year old self - couldn't let anybody know how it made me feel or I might not get it anymore. I never thought of it until this very moment, but I'm guessing that the "asthma" and "allergies of unknown origin" were anxiety. Even today, one of the signs I am really anxious is an internal buzzing (feels like I'm shaking on the inside but you can't see it on the outside) paired with bronchial coughing.
I have virtually no memories of times that I was simply joyful (without substance enhancement) as a child.
So that's sad for us.
But it doesn't have to be our destiny.
At some point I came to the conclusion that the worst thing that could possibly happen to me would be to continue to live another couple of decades in my miserable alcoholic life. That, to me, was the only fate that was worse than death. Also sad. But it was a toehold.
Yes, there is hope.
Grab a toehold.
O
It used to set my teeth on edge when I'd hear people in recovery say, "I just want to get my life back." I was all like, "I don't have a life to get back." Even railed for a good long time about the use of the word "recovery" for the same reason. Recover.... what? And you know what? I was right. There was nothing for me to get back, but thank the Good Lord and all of her heavenly saints for that because I didn't want any part of it.
My mother is a teetotaler but dad drank throughout my childhood. A lot. I developed asthma or allergies or something they couldn't figure out when I was just a wee thing (4 or 5) and the drug d'jour was amphetamines + a heavy benzo. I loved that stuff, man. But it was a secret I kept to my little 5-year old self - couldn't let anybody know how it made me feel or I might not get it anymore. I never thought of it until this very moment, but I'm guessing that the "asthma" and "allergies of unknown origin" were anxiety. Even today, one of the signs I am really anxious is an internal buzzing (feels like I'm shaking on the inside but you can't see it on the outside) paired with bronchial coughing.
I have virtually no memories of times that I was simply joyful (without substance enhancement) as a child.
So that's sad for us.
But it doesn't have to be our destiny.
At some point I came to the conclusion that the worst thing that could possibly happen to me would be to continue to live another couple of decades in my miserable alcoholic life. That, to me, was the only fate that was worse than death. Also sad. But it was a toehold.
Yes, there is hope.
Grab a toehold.
O
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
The damage from harmful levels of chemicals ingested is/can be cumulative to biological health, but cumulative time spent addicted is no barrier to abstinence. The AV is mixing up the fruit bowl..apples and oranges. (Said with no flippancy or patronizing )
This is yours to got !
This is yours to got !
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
There is something like this discussed within the context of first and second generation cult members on the recovery forum I go to. Some of us were born into it and some people join later. The people who join later have an authentic self to return to but us born ins really have to track it down and develope it.
I've made that connection before on SR as a big part of me just wanted my life back. I started abusing alcohol in my 30s so I wasn't apprehensive about life without being a drunk because a big part of me missed pre drunk me.
Maybe you just have a little extra work excavating the real AO is all.
I've made that connection before on SR as a big part of me just wanted my life back. I started abusing alcohol in my 30s so I wasn't apprehensive about life without being a drunk because a big part of me missed pre drunk me.
Maybe you just have a little extra work excavating the real AO is all.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I did it.
I'm a month sober today.
She tried like hell to kill me, in every manner possible including a botched "D&C" aka abortion, when she found out she was pregnant with me, to a most toxic womb environment possible, to a childhood surrounded by evil dark forces that never relented.
But I survived her. And them.
My father and sister didnt, but I vow to spend every day of the rest of my life vindicating their lives through my sobriety...
Watch me rise and rise and rise...
There is no stopping me now...
Emancipated 6/1/21
I'm a month sober today.
She tried like hell to kill me, in every manner possible including a botched "D&C" aka abortion, when she found out she was pregnant with me, to a most toxic womb environment possible, to a childhood surrounded by evil dark forces that never relented.
But I survived her. And them.
My father and sister didnt, but I vow to spend every day of the rest of my life vindicating their lives through my sobriety...
Watch me rise and rise and rise...
There is no stopping me now...
Emancipated 6/1/21
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