Cellardweller

I was helping a friend today in his garden. He's got 25 years off of alcohol but smokes a lot of weed. He manages that, but I can tell when he's high on the phone.

I asked him today about regret and beating yourself up over missed opportunities. He said, even with his time off alcohol, that he feels a lot of regret. I am going through a rough patch right now that I don't really feel I can talk to my partner about. Like my last post said, everything considered, my life is pretty good. I still have too many projects happening and it feels overwhelming, but there's something missing. I don't feel like I've felt passionate, really passionate about much, since I quit brewing.

My girlfriend is encouraging me to rethink my current job as it's hard on my body and I (unintentionally) inhale a lot of dust. To be honest I'm grumpy and tired most of the time I'm home too. It's difficult to take care of yourself, even if you do your best to. (Fiberglass insulation dust, drywall everything, soldering fumes, primer and glue fumes, etc. Construction is not healthy.) We need the money though as there's a lot of projects that need it and this job is paying me more than twice what I could get doing anything else that's not in my old line of work. I keep comparing this job to my old one, my old location, and I beat myself up about how I acted and what I did. No legal issues, but still I was a sack of ****. There's a lot about where I lived that I miss and a lot I never did because I made myself a walking mess of a person, and it upsets me when I hear from my friends who are still there. Not the ones who are drunk messes, but the ones who are still going after creative pursuits and who are taking care of themselves. I am glad they are doing well, but it makes me frustrated that I drove myself away from all of that.

I am grateful that I have a good job, a good home, and a caring partner, but there's still a big empty 'something' inside of myself. There are a lot of regrets that I have that I am not sure how to get past.

I think I maybe am still looking for that goal that makes everything else make sense. Right now it feels like there's a big list of options of directions to take but I don't 'know' in my gut that any of them are right. I don't feel convinced of any of them. Lack of purpose?

This post is incomplete but that's it for now. Hope you all had a good weekend.

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing CellarDweller. I got laid off from my job of 20 years last year due to all the craziness in the world, and i'm kind of in the same boat from a career standpoint. I have a good paying job but not sure it's really something I'm cut out for. The best advice I can give based on what i've done is that it's never too late to reinvent yourself. Take classes, read books, seek whatever it might take to fill that hole in places you might never expect. Because that's usually where the opportunity presents itself - when you are not looking for it.

nez

I filled that big empty something inside me with the sober me. The sober me, that I am still learning about and that I like and respect more and more as recovery time increases. Following what I know in my gut is right, is my purpose these days, becoming the best me that I can be. Where I live, what I do for work, etc, those things don’t define me, so there is nothing external that can possibly be is missing. What I do when nobody is looking or watching, is what defines me and it shows the internal me. Regrets have dissipated as I get to know the sober me and have been replaced with increasing periods of serenity.

“To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one’s potential.”– Bruce Lee

Dropsie

CW,

I am with Scott, what's holding you back?

I am all for not looking too much in the rearview, but no need to take the mirror off entirely.

What did you love? How can you get it somewhere else? Any chance of going back at least to visit?

advbike

I find that having a specific set of goals really helps me to look forward, especially if your partner shares it. Just for example, I assume you are in the US. I have found, and experienced myself, that people here work for "stuff". Material things. They get caught up in the rat race of status - bigger homes, more expensive cars, trucks, toys, whatever. And they end up working practically until they drop of bad health, in order to fund those fancy lifestyles. Now, I'm not suggesting in any way that this is you, but my point is that if you and your partner had a goal to live simply and save enough to retire early - then it might change your perspective on your current situation. Forget about the old friends and associates. Most people can get out in under 10 years if they put their mind to it (check out Mr Money Moustache)..

Or maybe you need to look at your skills and passions and start a small business doing what you love, not working for others. Like Scott said - reinvent yourself. Tour guide, organic farmer, teach carpentry.. the list is endless. You might earn less but be a lot happier. I don't know your situation but these are just some ideas that worked for me when the whole corporate career thing became too much.

doggonecarl

I've posted this before, but it seems to bear repeating here.

My sister is a nurse and has worked with the terminally ill and cancer patients most of her career. She says most of the dying have made peace with what they have done. What they regret is what they didn't do.

If there is something you want to do--and can do because you are sober now and not a "walking mess of a person"--then do it.

Cellardweller

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've started and restarted this post a few times.

It is difficult to completely reinvent myself because I have a relationship, a mortgage, and a house to fix up. My early 20's are over; I can't shoot all over the USA anymore to try new things. I will say that some of my proudest and most meaningful experiences came from my work. It was kind of like a child, love and hate. When it was great, it was great, when it was bad it was bad. I was naive to how things really work and pissed away some amazing opportunities. It was what I had and I'm lucky to at least have had some years where I was really engrossed in what I was doing...even if it went to crap at the end. My girlfriend doesn't understand how I could have loved what I was doing, she may never experience that.

I don't know if I have it in me to open a business anymore. I can't seem to balance what I've got now, that's a source of friction. In a lot of ways, I feel like I am letting myself down by not pursuing this, but I am not convinced of my succeeding like I used to be.The product I would develop is less sexy and harder to sell than what I used to make, and I want to do some things outside of work even if work seems to define me I guess.

My house, my relationship, my job. To be really honest, the house always needs work. I'm responsible for organizing projects and making sure they're done right. My relationship is pretty passionless and to be honest I enjoy being alone more often than not. It makes me feel bad. I'm trying to make it work but concerns about the house, job, career, and internal struggle take the wind out of my sails so that when it comes time to put the effort in, I don't feel it. It looks good on paper but I don't always feel it, it's not fun and hasn't been in a long time. Maybe it could be fixed? We met four years before I stopped drinking. So the first four years of us being together, I was almost always drinking/drunk/hungover/not clear-headed. There's a lot of house projects that I can't get to or do because I've got other things going on (apprenticeship homework, helping at the community garden, gym(???)) and that causes friction. I can't seem to make her happy unless I throw cash at the problem. Also, I've got all this stuff going on in my head and feel the weight of responsibility for most things that when she brings up her problems with work, I tend to tune her out. I don't talk about my job or much else really because I don't want to unload my problems on her.

I really used to value my physical fitness, but I feel burnt out most days. I'm going to start waking up at 3:30 so I can go to the gym before work starts at 7am. I hope that can stick.

There's my mental vomit. I am becoming exactly what I didn't want to become, but don't feel equipped to change it.

Thanks.

Cellardweller

Also, if it matters, I make more money now than I used to. Money doesn't drive me like fulfillment through creative pursuits did. I am holding onto the job I have right now because I have to have money to fix up the house and then maybe EVENTUALLY, buy hunting property out in the boonies. In a way, I feel like I'll never be able to have certain successes like I used to, so I am rejecting all of that and trying to isolate myself away from reminders of it. That's one reason why I don't think I could ever go back to visit. My girlfriend is going to a friend's wedding there next year and I'll probably be skipping out.

fishkiller

We only get one chance at life.
Make the most of it.

With enough effort and desire anything is possible.

advbike

Man, I feel you. I ruined my marriage because I never listened to my wife - I was too busy working 12 hours a day and climbing the corporate ladder. I thought because I made more money that her issues weren't as important. One day she was gone. Of course I was in my late 30's then. If I were you I would try to focus more on the relationship. It sounds like she cares about you, but it doesn't sound like you're both on the same page with common, shared goals.

The other thing is it's common for those of us with addictions (whether using ot not) to have sort of an emotional void - always seeking to fill it with something - booze, drugs, sex, shopping, toys, etc. But all thosoe things never really satisfy for long. We have to find ways to just enjoy the moment, the life we have, the person we are with. It really is enough. I spent so much of my life chasing something more, different, etc. Ultimately it's just an exercise in frustration. That's why it's so important to do what you love and to love well.

Hang in there man, you can change your life and you can be happy.

dustyfox

Cellardweller, I really feel the weight of responsibility you are carrying from your posts - and it feels huge. Can you just let some of it go, is it vital you do the house up right now - I mean is it really? You and your girlfriend sound like you are still young -talk to each other ? Life doesn't need to be this grim does it? I don't know but she might surprise you if you're honest. Getting up at 3.30am sounds horrible - is there no other time of day you can get some fitness in?
I think you have a lot on your plate - can you just concentrate on being sober because you might find as that happens other things will seem less over whelming?

Cellardweller

Thank you for the replies. Today was hard, pretty frustrating. Take them as they come. I'll update tomorrow.

Thanks.

Mizz

Your happiness in life is truly what matters.
You are not meant to be unhappy. There is joy for you. Perhaps listening to yourself a bit more and less of doing all that other stuff? The only person you are letting down in this situation is you...
Believe in yourself. You can do amazing things!