Gottalife

I was reading an article titled as above and tried to post a comment of my experience. I thought it was a pretty good article, you can find it on the right side of the SR Home Page. For some reason my comment would not post so I thought I would copy it over here. Seems a good subject to have a chat about:

An important article and subject. Tragic moments will come to all of us that's life. I have lost the four most important people in my life, My wife, my father, my sponsor, my best friend. My wife was the hardest to bear as it was associated with a long illness and she suffered a great deal. So I will briefly talk about my experience with my wife in respect to the first two points above.

Firstly, I did not share about my situation in my AA groups for several reasons. Fist there is nothing they can do other than offer sympathy, and sympathy is of no use. Secondly, my wife's illness has nothing to do with my alcoholism, and even less to do with the alcoholism of the new member who has come to find a way out of the misery that is his life. Thirdly, AA people, with the best of intentions, will try to help. They will come up with all sorts of ideas, things to try, the magic cure in Mexico - I didn't need that and it is hard to tactfully reject such well meaning suggestions.

I am not saying that sharing the problem in some other group, perhaps one guided by a professional would not have helped, but AA is not a therapy group and is not guided by a professional. We have a single purpose and diverting the group from that looking for sympathy does not seem to ease the problem, it may even make it worse.

When she died I experienced new and powerful emotions like never before. I thought I was going nuts. I called an AA buddy to check my sanity, he had no answer but suggested a grief counselor. Absolutely the best thing to do. I highly recommend grief counselors. Through talking to someone who knew what they were talking about I discovered that what was happening to me and my daughter was perfectly normal. The relief was huge and we both got through it thanks to excellent professional help.

So to some up, grief has nothing to do with my alcoholism, alcohol no longer has any say in my life. Use the professionals to help deal with these things, and don't rely on AA to provide professional services in this or any area. All we have in AA is a way to stay sober that works for us. Just a one trick pony.

SoberCAH

I'm really sorry you've gone through this much loss, Mike.

It sounds like you found the solution, though.

One thing about AA is that you can certainly find advice - kind of like in bars.

But, we're all drunks in AA, so that shouldn't be a surprise.

In my sharing in AA meetings, I try to limit my remarks to "the topic", the 12 Steps, feelings I am experiencing (without relating the facts of the incident which triggered them) and my ESH.

AAPJ

IME - you are the exception. But I have found ways to appreciate many of the off topic shares. It allows me to practice tolerance.

EndGameNYC

Sometimes we need a guide to accompany us through our own house of horrors.

Or someone to sit quietly and witness the honesty of our suffering.

It's among the best things that we can do.

LazaB

I know this is not good advice and it's not advice at all but when my mom died from lung cancer in 2015 , she was 51 , i was black out drunk for days and i don't even remember how i felt, i was sober when i heard the news and than almost no memories until the funeral , i just didn't want to deal with it , but i can't say that i'm sorry , i don't want to remember that period. Plus i helped out with the funeral arrangements while being black out drunk which is weird. I was sober at the funeral and i was going through withdrawal at the same time so you can imagine how that felt like. Someone close dying is the worst thing that can happen to a person, even worse than your own death i don't care what anybody says.

Dropsie

Gottalife,

I am so sorry for your loss.

Got to think on this. As you know, I am not an AA person, but I wonder about the premise.

For me and my friends, addressing loss is something that often triggers a desire to escape, so why would this be off lmits.

Truly asking.

Gottalife

<div>Thanks for the kind thoughts Dropsie, I will try to answer your question. Triggering events are not part of the AA experience with recovery from alcoholism. Essentially, if one thing is a trigger then everything is or, in my experience nothing is a trigger to drink. This is based on the premise that the subject has taken all the steps and recovered and continues to maintain their recovered state. There are plenty who go for the half measures approach and manage ok while everything is going well. But, as their old reaction to life is still there, when something bad happens, they are prone to go back to the old solution. So that would be one angle.</div><div><br></div><div>Another is that there is nothing in the AA program to teach specifically about the many different life problems that are certain to come along, apart from encouragement to make use of professionals. Otherwise in our daily lives we seek strength and guidance from the "higher power" to whom we have been introduced through the program. That enables us to handle situations that used to baffle us.</div><div><br></div><div>Each group has but one purpose, to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers. In the past AA and its forerunners tried to broaden their activities to include other things, and it never worked out. <br></div><div><br></div><div>In the widely used preamble "... a fellowship of men and women...to solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism"</div><div><br></div><div>Nothing in this sense is out of order in AA. A group can pretty much do what it likes so some groups will discuss anything from broken lawn mower, naughty employers, rogue officials, relationship problems, you name it, none of which have anything to do with alcoholism or the common solution to our common problem. I have attended meetings like that and often observe there is no Power in the room.<br></div><div><br></div><div>Another reason is, that unless you strike it very lucky, it simply is not the best place to seek help with a problem other than alcoholism. Folks mean well, they just lack the knowledge and training.<br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>

Ken33xx

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