Stayingsassy

Our lives becoming more and more divergent every day, and my tolerance for drinking, being around it, helping to pay for it out of the joint account, being in drinking situations; growing less and less every day.

I’ve already ended up having a bunch of drinking friends drift away, think the husband is probably next.

Dropsie

I am sorry to hear about that.

What do you think is the core of it? Is the drinking or him? Sometimes the drinking masks other bigger problems.

About the drinking, I have become much more tolerant over time. I get bored but not irratated. But I know that it really bothers you and that is your truth.

After losing my friend, my truth is that we only get one ride on this rodeo and it may be shorter than we think. My op is that we should all do what is important to us - with or w/o our husbands.

XX

Ghostlight1

I'm sorry to hear this, Sassy, but I sort of understand.

I have the same situation with my brother.
When I was drinking, we drank together. A lot. Often and a lot of booze I mean by that.
He has chosen to keep drinking even after several stints in jail and who knows what other hell he created for himself.
Now I don't even text him. He's gone on booze and I've put him out of my life.
I had to. His life revolves around drinking, mine no longer does.

Pretty sad. My own brother. We live in the same city and know a lot of the same people. I've drifted away from the mutual friends that are drinking, too.
Sad, but it had to be done. I'm not a drunk any more. He is and I just can't relate to him on any level. But he's a serious drinker. Drunk all the time. I don't know about your husband, but I understand.

I'm sorry for your situation. I can only imagine how hard that must be.

Stayingsassy

He’s not drunk all the time. He just has a very drinking focused lifestyle.

He’s looking at apartments. But he doesn’t know I know that. I just saw it on the computer.

Stayingsassy

I’m sorry about your brother ghost. That must hurt.

Dropsie, I’m glad you’ve figured it out.

I don’t know where I fit anymore.

Ghostlight1

It hurts Sassy because I hate to see him kill himself. And he's going to.
I can't imagine how it must be with a spouse. Very difficult I bet.
My thoughts are with you.

Surlyredhead

I am so sorry Sassy,

I lost my marriage getting sober. We partied together when we met and married and when I first tried to get sober, I didn't fit that lifestyle anymore and we drifted apart, plus, I resented that he was still drinking. Then I relapsed horribly for three years. After my relapse, I was so bad that he left and divorced me, I can't blame him. I have not seen him for over 27 years and I have been sober over 25 of those. Sometime I think about him and get a little sad at what might have been, but in reality, I believe that it would have been worse if we stayed together. It still sucks though, and it hurts like hell. No one gets married expecting to not be together forever. (((hug))) Stay strong, if it is meant to be, all will work out, if it is not, it is probably healthier for you and your sobriety, for now, I am sincerely sorry you are going through this.

Cathy

silentrun

Sorry to hear that Sassy. You have a good head on your shoulders and a solid recovery going. You can figure this out.

I look at people who get sober with a drinking spouse with awe. I wouldn't have been strong enough. I married a normie because heavy drinkers annoyed me when I was in my 20s. Who knew, right?

Cosima11

I’m sorry to hear that Sassy. I know this isn’t comparable to a marriage but I sometimes think about my first serious relationship and wonder if I should’ve just stayed with him.. I don’t think he’s an alcoholic but drinking was very much built into the relationship, the lifestyle, the bonding. After that I did date an alcoholic and have no regrets about leaving, but I’m sure it’s harder when it’s in that grey area where you can’t exactly ask him to quit if he doesn’t see it as a problem..

I would say though, if he hasn’t made any lifestyle changes to support you in your sobriety it would indicate he really does have a problem, or if not he’s frankly being pretty selfish. I hope you'll be able to at least talk to him about how you've needed more support and understanding. If he doesn't want to hear it, I think some day he'll have to look back on that with his own regrets..

fini

ah Sass, i’m sorry you’re hurting. being “drifted away from” is harder than making the decision to leave, i think.
and shared history is the glue that keeps some relationships together, but wouldn’t compensate for ever-diverging lives.
i have written a bunch of platitudes and deleted them.

is it helpful to reframe as the marriage not surviving his alcoholism?

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that Sassy. You have certainly come a long way and done a lot of very positive growth personally in your time here. I hope that it helps you to navigate this tough time - and hope we can help too.

Stayingsassy

Yeah, it’s incredibly selfish. I think he’s just tired of everything, and tired of me.

I think sometimes in a long marriage it’s easy to compare your problem with the problem your spouse has and sometimes the difference is stark. I drank like a crazy person, he drinks like most people we know, probably a little less. It’s easy to look at how I drank and figure you don’t have a problem.

Stayingsassy

Thanks silent. I think I have a good head on my shoulders too. Recovery though, is rough. I am still sober but I think I need to step it up, if I can get myself to do that. The urgency sometimes isn’t there when you are already sober.

Stayingsassy

The friend losses were tough and of course I’ve made absolutely no effort to make more. I am close with my oldest daughter (she’s 23) and she still lives here. We went climbing together tonight. But I need more than that. She does too...it’s too easy sometimes when you get along that well with your mom.

You don’t have to delete platitudes. I think 90% of SR is filled with them and it’s ok. They help too.

Stayingsassy

Hi Cathy....man, I was smashed the night my husband and I first got together, and drunk pretty much every chance I could get after that, and yeah I worked and raised kids in there and did pretty well mostly, so I didn’t drink constantly but boy was it a focus.

It was a drinking relationship.

It just may be that you can’t move your drinking relationship easily to a sober one, especially when one of you is still drinking.

Stayingsassy

Thanks Scott. It does help to talk about it.

After all this I don’t even know if it’s really over. How in the world do you dismantle a 23 year marriage with three kids, extended families, a home you’ve lived in for 21 years, and so much history, but I guess sometimes you just do it, and try to put your life back together afterward. Seems impossible.

Mac4711

Sassy, so sorry to hear that. Moving to a sober relationship may be difficult, but not entirely impossible. Have you talked to your husband that you feel there needs to be a change? Does he understand how important this is to you? Most people won’t change unless there is a high degree of urgency that drives them to take action.

BullDog777

I've been with my wife for 22 years. She is and always has been a non-drinker. So I really can't compare my realities to yours.

However, I keep seeing a pattern of thought. That you guys are drifting apart. That he's tired of you. Have you sat him down and had a talk with him? About your grieving process and about what's making you feel like this? Is your perception accurate of his thought process?

I say this because women think guys are a lot more perceptive than we are. We aren't. We're not very complex and we (or most of us) say what we mean and mean what we say. There's really no in between for us.

Maybe, if you haven't had a talk with him, you need to. I remember you feeling like this before. I remember you later saying that you were glad you didn't make any rash decisions. I remember you saying that you were glad that you both were still in this together. I remember you talking about you guys going out and you singing. I remember you saying what fun you had with him.

I know you feel like there is a lot of arm chair diagnosing, but if you never ask a professional all you're going to hear are the non professionals giving their opinion.

Maybe some marriage counseling?

I know you have a good head on your shoulders, but I also know that you have a tendency to become very focused on things that are bothering you. Sometimes we need to take a step back and just re group. You've been through a lot, and I get the sense you don't talk to very many people about your problems. Perhaps you're a very private person. I'm like that too, but I also know when s#it gets too deep, i gotta regroup with some pros.

Just trying to offer another angle. I truly hope you can gain some peace soon. I wish you all the best.

Grymt

Alanon?

Hawkeye13

Hi Sass I can fully empathize with the isolation I sense in your post, as I feel it too to a lesser extent.

My spouse also continues to use, but not nearly as “badly” as I did, but frequently when I am here or not here as I spend my workweek about 2.5 hours away thought we speak daily.

I feel my own drift when he’s talking with a buzz. I feel my PTSD from growing up with an alcoholic parent always triggered even though we are “civil “ in our interactions.

I am scared because I love him but I want the sober version of him. I can’t be his drinking party buddy anymore and I’ve nearly destroyed myself with relapses trying to do it. I’m done with relapses and sick of drinking and even being around weed smokers irritates me too.

I’m boring perhaps and I got no small talk left. That’s my truth and it ain’t easy. I feel you