Rockbottom1964

That’s what I do every day. What a lot of us do, I suppose. Only thing is, this shadow is called the AV… And he/she’s not just there when the sun shines, but all of our waking time. For some of us, even when we sleep. Have you ever lain in bed, just hovering below full consciousness and thinking “maybe just one drink so I can sleep properly – just tonight?” That’s the AV.
I sleep much better after three weeks + sober, and thank God that that whisper leaves me alone - in sleep at least. But it wakes up with me and sometimes speaks even before I wash and brush teeth, or while I’m having coffee. It’s there all the time, suggesting, cajoling, wheedling, and I fight it all of the time, even when its sub-consciously….
It’s day 25 today, and so far I’m winning. But I am scared; because I know that it – (the AV) - has so far just tested the water. I hope to God that I will keep winning when it comes at me in full force, as it had so often before; and won every single time.

25 days sober…

Dee74

Congrats on 25 days.

For me I retired from the ring - no matter what trash talk the AV put up I refused to engage.

It can't beat me if I don't even get in the ring

D

Rockbottom1964

Good for you, Dee. But you're way - and years - past the stage I am at the moment. I have a lot to learn; still early days (again) for me...

Dee74

Sure - doesn't mean we can learn something from each other tho

D

Sohard

August252015

True words, my friend. And it's also one reason I don't gibe w the AV concept or framing this journey as a battle. My only win is to die sober - so how am I going to live peacefully and well til then? That's my deal.

And your title made me think of something I heard Luke Cage on Marvel say in an episode: "it was like punching water." He was actually deep IN water and got out, and said this - which is a good analogy for any of the shadow boxing, dancing or trying to navigate around our sneaky disease as it is as facile and all around as water. So surrender and swimming then floating (at first gasping for air and getting our surface stability) is a perfect way to express the journey to a safe place.

Obladi

Nope, it doesn't hang over me in bed at night.

But I know what you mean.
I described the sensation as trying to fight my way out of a paper bag.
Or that the beast was following me around the house, then sitting in the chair across the room like my cat does. Just sitting there, always just sitting there.
Or one time when I came out of a relapse feeling like I'd been wandering around in the jungle when there was a subdivision just a few yards away.

It's not the same for me this time, after this last relapse when I realized that I'd literally had a dissociative experience related to past trauma.
I can't help but think I'm not so unique that it's not similar in some kind of way for lots of other people.

Let me try to be coherent here because I have something really important here that I don't want to get over-analytical about nor do I want to invite others to tear apart. It's a gut thing I want to say to OP.

So rockbottom, you and I know that after the initial physical addiction stuff passes (in a few days), it's all mental/brain stuff, right? Here's what I found out for myself, and what I believe probably applies to everyone else who craves after that physical addiction is resolved:

Of course, there will always be things going on in our environments or our brains that will have the potential of activating our addiction to remind us that drinking/using might feel good. That's the nature of the AV, right? But if it just won't shut up?

There is something else going on.
- It may be that the person hasn't learned about and internalized the concepts of AVRT and formed a Big Plan (through the actual book/program or informally/organically)
- It might be something very straightforward, which is why "an action plan" does it for a lot of people - exercise, a creative outlet, change in career, things sort of easy to see, you know?
- something might be missing, like belonging, which is why joining does it for some people - meetup, SR, AA, LifeRing, whatehaveyou
- maybe there is a need for spirituality/morality/integrity, which is why becoming aligned with a faith tradition or AA or meditation or other spiritual outlet helps people
- it might be something seriously screwed up in your head, which was the case with me. My brain was literally hiding things from my conscious self. (Well, I guess it was virtually because it was in brain, but go with it.) I know in my bones I need to fix this stuff to get to "baseline" in order to make any of the smorgasbord of options arrayed above to be helpful or meaningful. I think I knew this all along, but I doubted myself because (1) I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me and (2) people seemed to - or actually did - poopoo the idea there was anything all that "special" about me. Well, sorry folks, I'm specially f'd up in an O sort of way. But now that I know what it is and what to do about it, I aims not to be so any longer and to become normal just like the rest of you f'd up peeps.

So yeah, do all of the above smorgasbord. Stay sober no matter what. But if it still hurts, I strongly suggest finding a mental health professional with whom you "click."

Good for you hanging in there.
This is really really hard stuff.
Keep your eyes on the prize.

O

Callas

It is a constant battle but then again so is life for many people. This is a monster we created ourselves. Other people just have to play the cards they are dealt like poverty, lack of opportunity, prejudice etc. So, we have it no worse than many. And there is some reward in overcoming something that is not easy. Like WE Auden said: there is growth in suffering.

Obladi

I don't know if you're responding to me Callas, but if you are, I think you just unwittingly made my point in a backhanded kind of way. I forgive you for not understanding. I sincerely mean that, no snark at all intended. If you've never been where I've been, it could be very difficult to understand, indeed. And for that, I'm thankful because I'd never wish the experience on anyone.

You might want to reconsider your initial response in relation to your post on the other rock bottom thread stating that early recovery is devoid of joy (or something like that) for you right now. Might it be true that there is also something else going on for you as well? Sure, we all made our own alcoholic beds and everyone in this life has their own cross to bear, but that doesn't minimize your own suffering or mean you aren't worthy of your own opportunity to grab the brass ring. Just something to think about.

I do 110% agree with your/his point that there is growth in suffering. Absolutely nothing has been more exciting and rewarding than this last three horrible terrible hard wonderful weeks of suffering, growth and learning.

O

Rockbottom1964

Thanks again, everybody for the positive responses, advice and input. It goes a hell of a long way towards just HELPING, to know that there are always plenty of us going – or who have already gone - through whatever stage of sobriety one/I find myself in. People here who have faced – or are facing – the same fears as I am. The same trepidation about what tomorrow might bring, the same just-plain-horror, that relapse is always a possibility – no matter how strong we are.
For me, though – I will just keep doing what I have been doing for the last 25 days and let tomorrow take care of itself. I feel strong and I feel good, but I have failed before. Many, many times. This time though, something is just different; I’m sort of MORE happy, I suppose is a simple way of putting it. As if deep down I know that THIS TIME I WILL BEAT THE BOOZE…
Special thanks to Obladi for taking the time to put your thoughts and experience down in such a long post. It’s appreciated.

Obladi

Glad it helped, Rockbottom.

I want to make sure you didn't miss my main point, though: I'm no longer afraid that I'm going to relapse. Or more accurately stated, have absolutely no nagging thought that I just might drink again one day. (In case you haven't checked my stats yet, I've been here for 8 years - last relapse was a month ago. So I've got lots of experience in this arena, unfortunately. Come highly credentialed.) This is not false bravado, as far as I can tell/feel. I concede that I could be fooling myself but... The virtual cat is no longer hanging out in the corner, and I've always been aware of it before. This time, I've realized what my particular brand of crazy is and now that I recognize it, I'm duking it out at every corner. It's not addiction. For me, it's suppressed pain, anxiety, depression, a deep and abiding sense of being "not right." There are perfectly valid reasons for these feelings and I've always known this but never been able to adequately resolve them because I didn't understand how current upsets were connected. It's as if I'd literally (er, virtually) cauterized my brain so that what was happening today had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with what happened to me during a truly traumatic childhood.

This time, thank the universe, something broke in just the right way (like I said on your other thread) to help me to understand that today is connected to those old wounds and that the only way I'm going to fix things is to deal with every single upset today. And guess what? No AV. None. Not a peep. Not a hint of a whisper of a peep. It's not easy, but I'd much rather deal with fighting through all of this intellectual/emotional/feeling crap than battle the AV knowing It's gonna win. It always wins if I fight it.

So my point is, if you are still feeling fear, please do something more than what you've been doing for the last 25 days. I've no idea what your "something else" might be, but sure as I'm sitting here procrastinating on taking an overdue shower, there's "something else" you need to find. And when you do, I promise the fear will be gone. (A healthy dose of watchfullness will remain, as well it ought, otherwise you've swung to far in the other direction. )

xo
O

p.s. Oh yeah, I definitely was addicted. I can never drink again. My brain has been pickled and there's no undoing that. I'm just saying that wasn't ever the root cause of my problem. I'm sure it is just that simple for other people, but I think for those of use troubled by the AV on that incessant, constant nagging basis, it's likely something more.