Feeling 'burned out' in sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Denmark
Posts: 257
Feeling 'burned out' in sobriety
Hello folks!
I just recently passed 2 years sober, and overall my life has been good.
I've been through some pretty challenging times in my sober time - relationship breakup, job problems, and a very painful disc herniation, that kept me unable to work for month - but I got through all this without worries, with good guidance from my AA sponsor and friends - and it seemed every challenge in the end led me to a new and better place.
So far this year has been amazing, I had a great summer vacation, and feel I was able to fully enjoy life, with no thought about drinking - life was just fun.
But within the last week or so I have had this sudden feeling of being completely burned out with my sober life, and it has triggered a lot of fear.
I am a very devoted AA'er, sponsoring people, doing lots of meetings, speaking, doing service work, etc. I try my best living in the steps and using the steps and my sponsor to overcome problems, but now it just seems I am stuck in a bubble of fear and being exhausted, and I struggle to deal with it, even suing the tools of the program.
I have a hard time pointing out what caused this fear. Certainly my boss at work has a temper and he is very stressed at the moment, which caused some hard days at work with him yelling screaming and cursing at me and other employees, which is his usual way of dealing with stress - which I try my best to tackle with patience and understanding, though it certainly is a bit tiresome at times.
I've been unusually busy at AA with 12 step work as a sponsee just returned after a severe relapse, and needed much help and much of my time - so most days I went straight from work, to pick up my sponsee, work the steps with him and/or take him to a meeting... Which should be a good thing, after all 12 step work is what keeps us sober and focused in recovery...
But I just suddenly felt I hit a wall, and this fear of going to work, meeting people and dealing with life just swept over me... Like I lost myself in the process and my spiritual and mental heath just vanished.
I tried my best to deal with this, doing inventory, talking to my sponsor, praying and meditating, but I just felt the fear and stress growing to a point where I called in sick for work to give myself a break to get myself together, which just let to fear of returning to work.
It's strange to me it came so sudden, and so numbing, as my program of recovery seemed to work perfectly until a few days ago. I am aware that fear in general has been so strong within me for as long as I remember that I tend to just adjust to a high level of anxiety and stress and fail to notice it until it gets too bad, but I still feel a bit baffled because my life went from being very good to almost unmanageable within a few days with no obvious reason.
Anyone else have similar experiences of just 'hitting the wall' in sobriety?
Luckily I have no desire I though of drinking whatsoever.
I just recently passed 2 years sober, and overall my life has been good.
I've been through some pretty challenging times in my sober time - relationship breakup, job problems, and a very painful disc herniation, that kept me unable to work for month - but I got through all this without worries, with good guidance from my AA sponsor and friends - and it seemed every challenge in the end led me to a new and better place.
So far this year has been amazing, I had a great summer vacation, and feel I was able to fully enjoy life, with no thought about drinking - life was just fun.
But within the last week or so I have had this sudden feeling of being completely burned out with my sober life, and it has triggered a lot of fear.
I am a very devoted AA'er, sponsoring people, doing lots of meetings, speaking, doing service work, etc. I try my best living in the steps and using the steps and my sponsor to overcome problems, but now it just seems I am stuck in a bubble of fear and being exhausted, and I struggle to deal with it, even suing the tools of the program.
I have a hard time pointing out what caused this fear. Certainly my boss at work has a temper and he is very stressed at the moment, which caused some hard days at work with him yelling screaming and cursing at me and other employees, which is his usual way of dealing with stress - which I try my best to tackle with patience and understanding, though it certainly is a bit tiresome at times.
I've been unusually busy at AA with 12 step work as a sponsee just returned after a severe relapse, and needed much help and much of my time - so most days I went straight from work, to pick up my sponsee, work the steps with him and/or take him to a meeting... Which should be a good thing, after all 12 step work is what keeps us sober and focused in recovery...
But I just suddenly felt I hit a wall, and this fear of going to work, meeting people and dealing with life just swept over me... Like I lost myself in the process and my spiritual and mental heath just vanished.
I tried my best to deal with this, doing inventory, talking to my sponsor, praying and meditating, but I just felt the fear and stress growing to a point where I called in sick for work to give myself a break to get myself together, which just let to fear of returning to work.
It's strange to me it came so sudden, and so numbing, as my program of recovery seemed to work perfectly until a few days ago. I am aware that fear in general has been so strong within me for as long as I remember that I tend to just adjust to a high level of anxiety and stress and fail to notice it until it gets too bad, but I still feel a bit baffled because my life went from being very good to almost unmanageable within a few days with no obvious reason.
Anyone else have similar experiences of just 'hitting the wall' in sobriety?
Luckily I have no desire I though of drinking whatsoever.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by SoberTyger 
Anyone else have similar experiences of just 'hitting the wall' in sobriety?
and if it is, it will pass. I've had it too.
Congrats on two years!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Your job sounds like a nightmare. If your boss is yelling and screaming--that's a huge sign that something is wrong. That would put me on edge. And I would not meet it with patience and understanding, but with a resignation letter. (But that's just me and I don't know what your situation is.) It sounds hostile and could be why you're reluctant to return to work. Could you find another place to work where your boss isn't swearing at you??
And you sound overloaded. Burnt out. I've been there, too. I did end up quitting my job (for other reasons, but I was burned out), and got a less stressful place to work.
And, honestly, you don't sound like you're hitting any wall in sobriety. You sound like you're having a natural reaction to an unhealthy work environment. That's normal. Expecting to be relaxed when someone is yelling at you--I'm not sure who could tolerate that. Not me. You're sober and trying to deal with a lot. Your sobriety sounds fine.
Do you have other options?
Life can be difficult, drunk or sober. I'm glad you're working your way through this sober.
Best wishes to you.
And you sound overloaded. Burnt out. I've been there, too. I did end up quitting my job (for other reasons, but I was burned out), and got a less stressful place to work.
And, honestly, you don't sound like you're hitting any wall in sobriety. You sound like you're having a natural reaction to an unhealthy work environment. That's normal. Expecting to be relaxed when someone is yelling at you--I'm not sure who could tolerate that. Not me. You're sober and trying to deal with a lot. Your sobriety sounds fine.
Do you have other options?
Life can be difficult, drunk or sober. I'm glad you're working your way through this sober.
Best wishes to you.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
How much exercise are you getting. It is really difficult finding balance, but exercise is really important not just for body, but mind also. I only bring this up as it has been the major factor in my comfort level in life. If we find that throwing ourselves harder into "Program" is not working, then maybe we should widen our program and try some different things. I don't have the answers, but exercise and broadening my activities has been a win win for me.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
I'm an advocate of maintaining healthy boundaries with others, and don't believe we need to put up with overly controlling people or verbal abuse (like you describe with your boss) to prove we are evolving and recovering successfully. Also believe we have to make sure "our own cup is full" so to speak before giving to others. If the sponsee is draining too much of your time and energy, I don't think you'd be doing anyone a disservice by being honest about this and pointing him in a new direction.
Recovery is not supposed to be an overwhelming chore, especially 2 years in.. It's ok to put yourself first sometimes. Congrats on your sober time
Recovery is not supposed to be an overwhelming chore, especially 2 years in.. It's ok to put yourself first sometimes. Congrats on your sober time
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
Congrats on two years. I so can relate to what you are saying. We do what we have to do to get through those first few years of sobriety, but that is not enough for long-term sobriety (and living). You have to have some "you" time, probably something you've never had to deal with before, because you were numbed out with alcohol. I hit this wall myself around 3 years sober. I was doing "so much" and before it had brought me happiness - contentment, but suddenly that magical feeling was gone. Of course I blamed myself somehow because I should be "happy" all the time right? Sometimes we just are satisfactory; and that is OK! But I've learned going into my 5th year sober, that I have to make myself a well rounded human. Just recovery is not enough for my growth. I have to do things that expand myself, sense of self-worth, identity, etc. This includes hobbies, exercise (very important for those of us suffering from depression/anxiety), down time, etc. I never cared about those things much before, but in long-term sobriety, they are important. Just as important as the other things you are doing. The job doesn't sound like a healthy thing, and 12th step work can be demanding as well. I didn't see anywhere were you stated you were doing something to nourish yourself as well. Working with YOUR sponsor, go to a meeting for YOURSELF, go to the gym, go for a long walk, watch a funny movie, read a book. Alcoholics are "sensitive" to energy draining activities, and we have to be cognizant when it's too much. We have to make time for recharging activities, and ensure they are part of our daily (or at least weekly) routine. I hope my post helps - it helped me when someone told me these things when I was where you are.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
I feel exactly the same. To a tee.
I feel this so much that I don’t want to post advice here.
Despite this wall of weariness, I am proud of my sobriety, to be present, to be available to those I love at all times, to be able to drive my family at all times, even to answer texts or messages from people I love at any moment of the day and night, to be fully present.
I think sobriety sometimes involves so much service that it feels at times like everyone takes a piece of me until I am empty. I’m still enormously happy to be able to give: and everyone is so much more peaceful around me: their eyes light up around me now. But I am spent.
I fall into destructive eating patterns now I think because I haven’t quite learned how to pay myself back, as it were.
One thing I know is no matter how weary I feel, drinking won’t work. It’s not even that I need to take a stand to stay sober, or stand on a soapbox or define myself in relation to my sobriety. It’s simply that drinking isn’t going to alleviate what ails me. That, I know.
Best wishes to you ST and thank you so much for the post, it helps me tremendously, I’m right where you are on the timeline as you can see from my signature.
I feel this so much that I don’t want to post advice here.
Despite this wall of weariness, I am proud of my sobriety, to be present, to be available to those I love at all times, to be able to drive my family at all times, even to answer texts or messages from people I love at any moment of the day and night, to be fully present.
I think sobriety sometimes involves so much service that it feels at times like everyone takes a piece of me until I am empty. I’m still enormously happy to be able to give: and everyone is so much more peaceful around me: their eyes light up around me now. But I am spent.
I fall into destructive eating patterns now I think because I haven’t quite learned how to pay myself back, as it were.
One thing I know is no matter how weary I feel, drinking won’t work. It’s not even that I need to take a stand to stay sober, or stand on a soapbox or define myself in relation to my sobriety. It’s simply that drinking isn’t going to alleviate what ails me. That, I know.
Best wishes to you ST and thank you so much for the post, it helps me tremendously, I’m right where you are on the timeline as you can see from my signature.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Some thoughts from the book come to mind, like Bills story " I was not too well at the time, and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day."
or " Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. "
Your actions seem to be consistent with the suggestions in the book and it may be a mistake to let up in this area when it is IME so well proven.
So, what else? My recollection is that the first two years were an exciting time. That was when all the big changes happened, and it was powerful stuff. At some point after that, sobriety became the new normal, changes, though still going on, were more subtle and not as thrilling. It was like I am sober, now what?
Or, something that is not that uncommon, is the alcoholic has a pretty amazing experience in step five and, thinking that is the major life changing event in the bag, does not fully get on with the restitution steps. It happens that things are good for a while, then they begin to feel off and the first thing they turn to is more inventory, another fourth and fifth. This might help if something important was left out the first time but if that was the case, a secret kept usually prevents or diminishes any spiritual benefit. Often what is found is that instead of going back in the steps, they need to go forward and complete the steps, particularly step nine to get past this hump.
I hope there is something in there that might help.
or " Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. "
Your actions seem to be consistent with the suggestions in the book and it may be a mistake to let up in this area when it is IME so well proven.
So, what else? My recollection is that the first two years were an exciting time. That was when all the big changes happened, and it was powerful stuff. At some point after that, sobriety became the new normal, changes, though still going on, were more subtle and not as thrilling. It was like I am sober, now what?
Or, something that is not that uncommon, is the alcoholic has a pretty amazing experience in step five and, thinking that is the major life changing event in the bag, does not fully get on with the restitution steps. It happens that things are good for a while, then they begin to feel off and the first thing they turn to is more inventory, another fourth and fifth. This might help if something important was left out the first time but if that was the case, a secret kept usually prevents or diminishes any spiritual benefit. Often what is found is that instead of going back in the steps, they need to go forward and complete the steps, particularly step nine to get past this hump.
I hope there is something in there that might help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
This is interesting, this is the second thread recently from people around the 2 year mark, saying similar things.
I wonder if it is like the icky 3s in nicotine cessation. A phase of healing to get through, a time when confidence and comfort in our quit wavers. The new reality becomes too new to our healing brains.
I guess stay vigilant and ride it out. I know for myself, I am changing how I view myself and my former addiction. For me, it is being compartmentalized and moved to the past, next to my stirrup pants, VO5 hairspray and blue eyeliner. A part of the past that no longer defines me, does not affect my present and has no room in my future. Kinda like my obsession with Kurt Vonegat books, gone baby, over and whew, that was a weird time!
I wonder if it is like the icky 3s in nicotine cessation. A phase of healing to get through, a time when confidence and comfort in our quit wavers. The new reality becomes too new to our healing brains.
I guess stay vigilant and ride it out. I know for myself, I am changing how I view myself and my former addiction. For me, it is being compartmentalized and moved to the past, next to my stirrup pants, VO5 hairspray and blue eyeliner. A part of the past that no longer defines me, does not affect my present and has no room in my future. Kinda like my obsession with Kurt Vonegat books, gone baby, over and whew, that was a weird time!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Denmark
Posts: 257
Thanks for all the response!
It seems after a few days of taking it easy I do find a few moments of peace, where I am actually able to enjoy things I'd almost forgotten to enjoy - reading, spending a bit of time on hobbies - though I struggle to get rid of feeling guilty for taking days off work and can not quite get rid of the fear of going back to a normal routine.
I tend to feel that sometimes trying to live up to the expectations of a "normal life" gets between me and my spirituality, and my well being.
I've never really cared too much about money or success at work, I'm the kind of guy who'd rather work less than earn more money, and it can be a struggle for me to find the motivation to push harder at work, especially when things get stressed and uncomfortable at work.
I've been thinking if I should see this trait as a plus instead of trying to "fit in" in the normal work routine - as long as I can pay my rent and bills I am quite satisfied, when it comes to money, and I have only myself to provide for.
I work in landscaping/construction and to be honest it's a job I ended up in because I drank myself away from other opportunities and never managed to finish a better degree. I do at times feel a bit out of place in my work environment, and under stress I tend to do mistakes - which, as I have a boss with a bad temper, leads to more stress, and more mistakes - under pressure it seems like a really bad cycle, my boss loses his temper, I get anxious, makes silly mistakes, my boss gets more furious, and so on. That being said, when things are calm my boss is a good hearted guy, he just is unable to control his temper - I even got this job as a result of a 9th step - I worked here also some years ago, but got sacked because of my alcoholism.
On one hand I don't feel like running away from problems (again), on the other hand I just keep thinking if it's the right thing for me to do. It gets hard for me to be of any use to other people when I am mentally and physically worn out every day after work.
When I speak and sometimes when I share at meetings, I like talking about how some of the things that seemed like bad things happening to me in sobriety turned out to be really good for me - getting a disc herniation in my back, which forced me to stay home and take it easy for 4 months turned out to be really good, for my spiritual life and I got a lot of good things done in AA, with 9th steps and 12 step work, and bonding with family and friends during that time - So i jokingly say that getting a disc herniation is one of the best things happening to me in sobriety
- It struck me recently though, that it's a bit scary, and that something in my daily life might be quite off track, when I needed to hurt my back and go through a lot of pain, and stay away from work for 4 months to get to a sense of good balance in my life - so joking a side, maybe it was a sign I needed to give my life a work over? Maybe I took the wrong lesson from it, maybe I should have gone a different path rather than push myself back to the same routine as before?
It seems after a few days of taking it easy I do find a few moments of peace, where I am actually able to enjoy things I'd almost forgotten to enjoy - reading, spending a bit of time on hobbies - though I struggle to get rid of feeling guilty for taking days off work and can not quite get rid of the fear of going back to a normal routine.
I tend to feel that sometimes trying to live up to the expectations of a "normal life" gets between me and my spirituality, and my well being.
I've never really cared too much about money or success at work, I'm the kind of guy who'd rather work less than earn more money, and it can be a struggle for me to find the motivation to push harder at work, especially when things get stressed and uncomfortable at work.
I've been thinking if I should see this trait as a plus instead of trying to "fit in" in the normal work routine - as long as I can pay my rent and bills I am quite satisfied, when it comes to money, and I have only myself to provide for.
I work in landscaping/construction and to be honest it's a job I ended up in because I drank myself away from other opportunities and never managed to finish a better degree. I do at times feel a bit out of place in my work environment, and under stress I tend to do mistakes - which, as I have a boss with a bad temper, leads to more stress, and more mistakes - under pressure it seems like a really bad cycle, my boss loses his temper, I get anxious, makes silly mistakes, my boss gets more furious, and so on. That being said, when things are calm my boss is a good hearted guy, he just is unable to control his temper - I even got this job as a result of a 9th step - I worked here also some years ago, but got sacked because of my alcoholism.
On one hand I don't feel like running away from problems (again), on the other hand I just keep thinking if it's the right thing for me to do. It gets hard for me to be of any use to other people when I am mentally and physically worn out every day after work.
When I speak and sometimes when I share at meetings, I like talking about how some of the things that seemed like bad things happening to me in sobriety turned out to be really good for me - getting a disc herniation in my back, which forced me to stay home and take it easy for 4 months turned out to be really good, for my spiritual life and I got a lot of good things done in AA, with 9th steps and 12 step work, and bonding with family and friends during that time - So i jokingly say that getting a disc herniation is one of the best things happening to me in sobriety
- It struck me recently though, that it's a bit scary, and that something in my daily life might be quite off track, when I needed to hurt my back and go through a lot of pain, and stay away from work for 4 months to get to a sense of good balance in my life - so joking a side, maybe it was a sign I needed to give my life a work over? Maybe I took the wrong lesson from it, maybe I should have gone a different path rather than push myself back to the same routine as before?
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
ST!!!!
I think I nodded along to every word you wrote.
I get it. All. I'm 3.5 yr sober now and indeed the early 2s brought a wave of just what you describe. This summer, also, leading up to this first half of the year sober, was similar- I didn't connect the word fear to what was happening very well, until it was pointed out to me.
What I hear in your words is that "conflict" between doing for others program wise and beyond, doing what we know is "right" for our recovery...and being human. I am in a big growth phase now, I can tell, because the crescendo of my overhwelmed-ness at life living like you describe, with so much energy OUTPUT, that my back surgery was 7 days ago for a reason, and I am having to be ok with not always trying to "do for others."
I am really glad you are sharing. I think these are the best parts of our program to discuss sometimes, as we grow and it ebbs and flows. It's like when I am struck by someone who shares that yr 7-8 brought out some of the toughest and hardest things in her whole life....
So glad you are here.
You, too, sassy - nodded at your post too
I think I nodded along to every word you wrote.
I get it. All. I'm 3.5 yr sober now and indeed the early 2s brought a wave of just what you describe. This summer, also, leading up to this first half of the year sober, was similar- I didn't connect the word fear to what was happening very well, until it was pointed out to me.
What I hear in your words is that "conflict" between doing for others program wise and beyond, doing what we know is "right" for our recovery...and being human. I am in a big growth phase now, I can tell, because the crescendo of my overhwelmed-ness at life living like you describe, with so much energy OUTPUT, that my back surgery was 7 days ago for a reason, and I am having to be ok with not always trying to "do for others."
I am really glad you are sharing. I think these are the best parts of our program to discuss sometimes, as we grow and it ebbs and flows. It's like when I am struck by someone who shares that yr 7-8 brought out some of the toughest and hardest things in her whole life....
So glad you are here.
You, too, sassy - nodded at your post too
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
I can relate a lot to your post. I feel very burned out at the moment, myself. There's nothing terribly wrong either. It's just, I'm sort of treading water where in the past, the big benchmarks in sobriety were always very monumental in rewards through personal growth. Those don't seem to be coming as quickly anymore and it frustrates me.
In on sense, I know what needs to be done to maintain the balance of happiness. In another sense, I'm sick of the effort that I have to put out to keep it.
"What we have is a daily reprieve, contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition."
We earn our time every day we stay sober. This is a 24/7/365 job. Sometimes, I'd kinda like a vacation from that measure of intensity that my life often dictates from me. I think that's my biggest goal in my 4th year. To find some balance or feel like I can let my guard down a bit. It gets very exhausting at times.
In on sense, I know what needs to be done to maintain the balance of happiness. In another sense, I'm sick of the effort that I have to put out to keep it.
"What we have is a daily reprieve, contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition."
We earn our time every day we stay sober. This is a 24/7/365 job. Sometimes, I'd kinda like a vacation from that measure of intensity that my life often dictates from me. I think that's my biggest goal in my 4th year. To find some balance or feel like I can let my guard down a bit. It gets very exhausting at times.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,787
The best advice I ever got to bolster my sobriety was to practice gratitude every day. My sobriety got stronger and my life got happier. I find that the more I feel grateful for, the more things I find to be grateful for. It's a win-win for me, as exercise is for totfit. One of the things I am very grateful for every day is my daily dog walks with my beagirl Billie. So I combine exercise with gratitude, and am rewarded many times over.
My sobriety got stronger and my life got happier. I find that the more I feel grateful for, the more things I find to be grateful for. It's a win-win for me, as exercise is for totfit. One of the things I am very grateful for every day is my daily dog walks with my beagirl Billie. So I combine exercise with gratitude, and am rewarded many times over. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Bulldog, August, sobertyger;
Wow, I am not alone. It’s not just me.
It’s been bad lately, for me. But I am still sober. Not a drop of alcohol since 9/25/17.
It’s kind of like back then, my life purpose was “be responsible, then get drunk.” Now it is “be responsible....then be more responsible.”
I cannot and will not return to being a drunk but how did that happen? That is quite the dubious trade off.
Wow, I am not alone. It’s not just me.
It’s been bad lately, for me. But I am still sober. Not a drop of alcohol since 9/25/17.
It’s kind of like back then, my life purpose was “be responsible, then get drunk.” Now it is “be responsible....then be more responsible.”
I cannot and will not return to being a drunk but how did that happen? That is quite the dubious trade off.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 598
Thank you all. This is a very good thread. I am only at 6 months now but find it harder than ever so far. No cravings for alcohol and no desire to drink but just difficulty in dealing with people. I am determined to find a way out of this and will try various variations on my recovery plan.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
At least once per year I go through a phase of being fed up with AA, "restless, irritable and discontent." Someone said alcoholism is the "M&M disease": me and more and anytime I can shift the focus from myself to helping someone else I break the self-absorption.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
At least once per year I go through a phase of being fed up with AA, "restless, irritable and discontent." Someone said alcoholism is the "M&M disease": me and more and anytime I can shift the focus from myself to helping someone else I break the self-absorption.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Sassy- that is a balance I have to actively seek. Ongoing discernment between selfish" and "self care." This post surgery phase is teaching me a LOT about saying no and yes, to help or service from others- as well as to realize that I am being of service by letting someone do for me v actively doing for them...I see an interweb , so to speak, in what I can best describe as the flow I want. Kind of like I don't believe marriage is a 50/50 proposition- it should be fluid in the give and take and at times, one person gets or does the lion's share, and so on.
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