2 years today.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
2 years today.
I remember when I thought reaching 2 years without a drink was some kind of unachievable super human feat. It was something that other people were capable of doing, but definitely not me. I remember being on here and reading other people's stories and thinking how they made it seem so easy and it was just totally inconceivable to me that not only was it doable, but that it could be a life worth having.
Happy to report, I was wrong. I do have what it takes. I am capable. It is worth it.
My second year was better than the first. The first was stressful. Quitting was at the front of my mind all the time and everything was new and I didn't trust myself fully yet. I settled in during this second year and became secure and confident in my quit. It stopped feeling unnatural and I recovered fully. My body finished healing and I started looking good, getting compliments, like a man told me he thought I was ravishing haha. Another told me he always thought I was good looking, but now I'm beautiful. Nobody said those things when I was drinking.
I rediscovered who I am without it. I had been partying since I was 14. It was part of my identity. It was how I chose friends and how I defined myself.... I felt like a fish out of water, exposed, lonely, scared, bewildered, without it. It took time to shed that skin, it didn't happen all at once. I got back into music again and now I end up meeting other musicians all the time, life's funny that way.
Best part is liking myself again. Nothing can make a person hate themselves like living as an alcoholic. I used to wake up and think about killing myself.... all the time. There were many many days where that thought was my greatest comfort.
For anyone reading this who's like I was, so twisted up with AV thoughts that they are thinking the way I used to, I want to tell you that we are the same. I was just like you and if I can do it - you can too.
Thanks SR and all the fantastic members on here who took the time to help me, who were so patient even when I was such a bonehead. There are a few members on here to whom I owe a karmic debt. You all are the BEST! I can't thank you enough. I saved myself, but I didn't do it alone.
Onwards!!
Happy to report, I was wrong. I do have what it takes. I am capable. It is worth it.
My second year was better than the first. The first was stressful. Quitting was at the front of my mind all the time and everything was new and I didn't trust myself fully yet. I settled in during this second year and became secure and confident in my quit. It stopped feeling unnatural and I recovered fully. My body finished healing and I started looking good, getting compliments, like a man told me he thought I was ravishing haha. Another told me he always thought I was good looking, but now I'm beautiful. Nobody said those things when I was drinking.
I rediscovered who I am without it. I had been partying since I was 14. It was part of my identity. It was how I chose friends and how I defined myself.... I felt like a fish out of water, exposed, lonely, scared, bewildered, without it. It took time to shed that skin, it didn't happen all at once. I got back into music again and now I end up meeting other musicians all the time, life's funny that way.
Best part is liking myself again. Nothing can make a person hate themselves like living as an alcoholic. I used to wake up and think about killing myself.... all the time. There were many many days where that thought was my greatest comfort.
For anyone reading this who's like I was, so twisted up with AV thoughts that they are thinking the way I used to, I want to tell you that we are the same. I was just like you and if I can do it - you can too.
Thanks SR and all the fantastic members on here who took the time to help me, who were so patient even when I was such a bonehead. There are a few members on here to whom I owe a karmic debt. You all are the BEST! I can't thank you enough. I saved myself, but I didn't do it alone.
Onwards!!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
BillieJean. Thanks for the post. Two years is amazing. I find your story very encouraging. When I see your SR forum join date I realize how long you struggled before you succeeded. But you didn't quit trying!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I knew I had a problem years before I joined SR too. I grew up in home where it was acceptable to use openly. It seemed like it had always been that way for me.....
So glad I escaped.
I hear AA is the last stop for many people. AVRT was the last stop for me. IT was so entrenched in my mind.
Alcohol was the worst drug of them all for me too. Nothing brought me to my knees the way drinking did.
Never again.
So glad I escaped.
I hear AA is the last stop for many people. AVRT was the last stop for me. IT was so entrenched in my mind.
Alcohol was the worst drug of them all for me too. Nothing brought me to my knees the way drinking did.
Never again.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I guess because of the day, I just thought about the very first time I ever got drunk. I haven't thought about it in years. I was pretty young, younger than the second time when I was 12, so I guess I must have been 10 or 11. My parents were partyer's, my dad was a biker and my mom was an artist and a hippy. Plenty of weekends there would be big party's and all the kids would run wild in the basement and the parents would carry on upstairs and as long as none of the kids were fighting or crying, we were left to our own devices. Well, I started sneaking upstairs and mixing myself rum and cokes, and right from the first drink, I knew I liked it and I drank enough that by the time one of the adults clued in, I was good and drunk. Oh boy, was my dad ever mad! Party over! I was piled into the van and we did the drive of shame home and I would nurse my first hangover, but the only lesson I learned was that I was going to do it again, the first chance I got, and I did.
I ran wild for years. It might have been easier to quit, except for all the good times - but those good times were killing me. By the end, I was seriously overweight, with a big extended belly, people used to ask me if I was pregnant, all the time. I had bad skin. Both my knees were a mess and my right foot. I had bouts of tinnitus that were enough to drive me mad. I suffered from awful, constant allergies. I was depressed. It had become both the cure and the cause. It wasn't something I did for fun anymore - it was the only thing I did - in between being sick from it. I was 38.
Alcoholism is no joke. The whole time I minimized it. It wasn't until this last year when I could visibly see and feel the difference abstinence made that I fully appreciated what poison it truly is. For people like me, the only safe amount is zero because whatever "IT" is, I've got it and it will destroy me, if I let it. I don't plan on letting it.
I ran wild for years. It might have been easier to quit, except for all the good times - but those good times were killing me. By the end, I was seriously overweight, with a big extended belly, people used to ask me if I was pregnant, all the time. I had bad skin. Both my knees were a mess and my right foot. I had bouts of tinnitus that were enough to drive me mad. I suffered from awful, constant allergies. I was depressed. It had become both the cure and the cause. It wasn't something I did for fun anymore - it was the only thing I did - in between being sick from it. I was 38.
Alcoholism is no joke. The whole time I minimized it. It wasn't until this last year when I could visibly see and feel the difference abstinence made that I fully appreciated what poison it truly is. For people like me, the only safe amount is zero because whatever "IT" is, I've got it and it will destroy me, if I let it. I don't plan on letting it.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Congrats on 2 years BillieJean and thanks for sharing - we all have a different story but the solution is one in the same. I'm continually learning about myself too and your comment about "minimizing" really hits home. I have done that with lots of things in my life thinking I could just muscle through or push them aside - but learning to face them head on really helps.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Congrats BJ !! 2 yrs and 1.6 billion miles around around the Sun!
Your post reminded me of my first time, quite similar 13 or 14 at an outdoor kegger on a local campus, got blackout drunk drug home by an adult neighbor , came to the next morning and knew I was definitely doing that again and chased that dragon for the next three decades every single chance I got , but man do I love being a teetotaler today, realizing that much sooner would have spared myself a lot.
Onward !
Congrats again, and cheers to you being always 3 yrs and change behind me , lol
Your post reminded me of my first time, quite similar 13 or 14 at an outdoor kegger on a local campus, got blackout drunk drug home by an adult neighbor , came to the next morning and knew I was definitely doing that again and chased that dragon for the next three decades every single chance I got , but man do I love being a teetotaler today, realizing that much sooner would have spared myself a lot.
Onward !
Congrats again, and cheers to you being always 3 yrs and change behind me , lol
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Originally Posted by dwtbd 
Congrats again, and cheers to you being always 3 yrs and change behind me , lol
Wouldn't be the first time I was a few steps behind and needed to catch up lol
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