ozm8ey

So I made a new years resolution that I would try to become more healthy, fit, lose weight and quit alcohol. So far I have lost about 5-6kgs in weight from quitting which has been about 3 weeks. Here is my issue now:
It feels like I can't have friends and be sober at the same time. They drink but if i go out I will feel like crap and lose interest so if i go out I will end up drinking again. Anyone else have this problem?

dafunbra

I made new friends. I still am around some people who drink a little but are not alcoholics. My ex-girlfriend would have a wine cooler once or twice a week or maybe go a month without one. But I don't go to where people drink a lot. Or if I do, I have a plan. I went to a retirement party where there was some heavy drinking going on, but I went with someone who wasn't going to drink much and we left at an appropriate time. There is life after alcohol.

Dee74

Hi Ozma8ey - I have more friends now than I ever had as a drinker. I think it's to do with me being more fun to be around?

Its true that my circle of friends is completely different to what it was when I was drinking, but my friends back then were largely simply drinking buddies.

There was really very little I had in common with them but a mutual love of getting smashed.

I have friends know who share or complement my interests and who I know are really friends, not just fellow drunks.

Its a tough call to make. but I don't regret moving on from my old social circle.


I'm glad you're getting healthier and have 3 weeks sober.

D

DriGuy

I stopped hanging out with drunks because I didn't want to be tempted to drink. After, I could control my temptations, I realized something else with a new clarity. Observe a group of drunks from an objective outsiders view. They tend to be shallow and boring, and it's only natural to lose interest in being in such a group. Why would I want to take a dangerous chemical substance into my body so that I could more easily relate to shallow boring people?

I don't care how bright or good looking, or loyal as friends drunks might be. Granted I did have a feeling that I was betraying life long drinking buddies, but comrades that they might be, I don't enjoy being around drunks.

tomsteve

no. once word got out that i was getting help the drinking friends stopped calling and comin around.
i have friends and am sober now. i dont have drunk friends that have alcohol as the center of everything,though

jimmyJlover

I feel exactly the way you do. Feel free to read over some of my posts or a thread I started here addressing some of these same issues. That said, what I've learned after being sober 89 days...I often don't want to go hang out with some of those folks or places anymore, not because I'm a loser, but because I don't drink. My preferences have changed, not by forceful doing, just naturally...and I feel ok with that. Once you stop drinking, you stop doing drinking things and its ok. It feels normal.

But some of these folks are my friends, like real friends not just drinking buddies I used to hang out with. The first 30-60 days I avoided places and situations, but now it's better. I had a few big social moments that I overcame and this changed how I think about it. It instilled confidence. You will prevail.

H379

Most of my friends are not heavy drinkers. Most have accepted the fact that I don't want to drink and actually have not only encouraged me But have come to my defense when pushed by others to have a drink or 2. I am early in my sobriety , don't know how long this go on. But I feel blessed to be protected by such friends.

Anna

I think that early recovery involves making some tough decisions. It may involve finding some new friends and activities that do not revolve around alcohol. Congratulations on 3 weeks of sobriety and your weight-loss.

LadyBug66

I understand. I didn't lose friends but they didn't want to hang around me if I wasn't drinking. I was making them uncomfortable. As Dee said, the only thing we had in common was getting drunk and doing stupid stuff and acting stupid. I sure don't miss that morning after! The shame and pain! I haven't made any new friends yet but I think I will. It will be hard and lonely for awhile but it gets better.

CRRHCC

I started drinking in high school because of, "Social anxiety." Bottom line is a quick fix or mood changer made me feel more in control of my emotions. I reversed feelings of being intolerably helpless, trapped and powerless, with drinking. I escaped my anxiety trap with chemicals. I stayed on autopilot with this corrupted behavior for 46 years!!!

Reasons for abusive drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of helplessness (about whatever in my life makes me feel overwhelmingly trapped).

Only after I realized that I can escape my trap with other high value behaviors (exercise, prayer, God, music, etc) did I realize that I could regain control of my feelings and live comfortably in my skin. I still experience social anxiety, but now I accept it because I accept myself and understand where my feelings are coming from. The bottom line is that I now accept myself and my feelings. My anxiety is no longer intolerable and overwhelming because I have new values and purpose in life and they no longer include a temporary quick fix or mood changer. People change when they hurt enough and have to or when they learn enough and want to.

When your values trump your addiction there is no addiction.

WeThinkNot

It is an impossibility to embark on a journey of recovery without losing friends. Plenty of people have already mentioned that drinking friends tend to go by the wayside but there was another facet I was unprepared for.

Change is hard for anybody. When I announced to those in my inner circle that I was quitting and "this time I'm serious guys", I got the usual platitudes. "That's awesome...we're here for you...let us know if you need support...blah blah blah". These were not drinking buddies but rather people I had been tight with for many years, some stretching back to childhood.

Funny thing happened as the days went by. The bloaty skin and lifeless eyes went away. I was actually getting restful sleep at night instead of passing out so I had an overall better demeanor. I was hitting the weights like my life depended on it (and it did). The bodyfat got lower and my shirts and pants got tighter. My corrected posture and positive feedback cycle added to my burgeoning confidence. I was becoming a new man, a sober man.

This was tough for some people. Even if my friends loved me deep down, they had me pegged as a lost cause. Now my proactive approach to reclaiming my life was shining a huge spotlight on their complacencies. "WeThinkNot is a lousy drunk, how come he seems so confident now and I'm doing the same old same old?"

Then the left handed remarks started coming my way. "You're STILL doing the whole sobriety thing?"

I love this people dearly. They are not in my life anymore. Back when I was drinking the thought of cutting these people out would have been unheard of. I didn't love myself so I needed others to do the job for me.

The bitter truth is that anybody who is not going to support my sobriety is welcome to leave. I'll cherish the good times, have no hard feelings, and wish them well in life.

dafunbra

ScottFromWI

Congrats on 3 weeks sober, that's a great accomplishment.

Regarding your problem, it's a very common issue that all of us faced when we quit. Your addiction would love you to think that you need to drink to have fun, or that someone going out with other friends who are drinking ( even if you aren't drinking yourself ) is the only way to meet people. But in reality it's all just a like. It took a while, but i found that many of my "friends" were really just drinking buddies. We literally had nothing in common outside of drinking alcohol.

You'll find as you start looking around that there is a huge world of opportunity to do all sorts of things besides hang out in a bar. I shudder at all the time I wasted doing just that.

CJHolden

Ask them what else they do for fun. If you show an interest maybe they will invite you along.

Wait is that not the issue?

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Robbie64

Most of my friends have alcohol issues so I find that when I don't drink I don't want to socialise with them. That in itself can be tremendously isolating. I can sometimes sit with them and drink a soft drink but it can only be for an hour at the most as I become aware that a large percentage of the conversation they have revolves around alcohol and when sober I realise how boring the small talk is.

NYCDoglvr

I never thought a "friendship" based on drinking together was really a friendship at all. I met tons of sober people in AA and these became my real friends.

zjw

things change. your good friends will still be there and be supportive for many more years as your sober. In my case this was pretty few lol. But I also didnt have many to begin with nor did i go out drinking all the time.

I went my own way found new things to do rather then going out to a bar as your saying. I found new things to go do and have fun some of the old stuff really just wasnt fun once you took alcohol out of the equation. The idea of sitting at a bar now with friends who are drinking while i drink water honestly just bores the crap out of me.

now i went through phases like Boohoo they can drink and i cant, Or I lost my best friend booze and i'm grieving, or i'm gonna sit here while they drin and i'm gonna smile and nod and enjoy my water and not be a victom about this or a poor me i cant drink, Then I started to realize these folks are honestly obnoxious and not fun to be around while there drinking. I started to realize I wasnt missing out. But i still had that void left behind by alcohol. But i filled it with new hobbies and interests and now i'm just plain and simple moved on.

At this point iw oudlnt bother going to a bar or hang out with drinking friends. None would even invite me anyhow we are all in 2 very different worlds at this point. I got my thing they got there thing. we might still chatter now and then but thats the extent of it.

its hard to believe but life reallyc an be good without alcohol. I know had you told me that on day one i'd laugh and tell you your nuts lol. but it really is good and actualy can be fun and so on.

SoberCAH

I had to make some very dramatic life changes to get and stay sober.

One of them was to cease being around the people with whom I used to drink.

The benefits of sobriety have dwarfed the sacrifices that I have made to stay sober - not even a close call.

I suggest that you pursue and follow a trusted program of sobriety and not try to do something this important on your own.