Wil76

Hi I have been playing this over in my mind quite a lot these last few days as it was so horrible that I am never going back there. This last week or so had saw me rationalising a few drinks over Xmas and it has scared me big time. This will be my first sober Xmas and I'm going to get through it sober, it seems to be a holiday thing as the last period of anxiety about drinking was summer holiday time. I have been able to cope with a few big issues this last 6 months without even considering drinking but holiday time and the av is rampant.

BullDog777

I remember what my last binge resulted in. I don't really remember the day. I know I was in the hospital for almost 4 months after that though.

I'm glad you recognize the AV trying to angle back in. Don't let it. No matter what. Every time you lose your sobriety it gets harder and harder to put time together.

Try to stay busy and be good to yourself. Hang out here if you want to. Just keep doing the right things.

Be proud you did the right thing. Keep it up.

SnazzyDresser

You don't have to ever go back that way again, Wil!

aasharon90

Surround yourself with a recovery support
system that can be a life saver, lifeline to hold
onto, filled with folks sharing our own experiences,
strengths and hopes of what our lives were and
are like, before, during and after our addiction
to alcohol or drugs.

None of us ever has to go thru any situation
alone or by ourselves again. Never hesitate
to ask questions or what you dont understand.

Throw away any idea that one day you will
ever drink successful in this life, that maybe
one drink wont hurt.

It's that first drink that will lead to many
more with many more consequences to
follow. It's that merry go round of insanity
that keep us sick in our addiction.

Replace your addiction with a continuous
life of recovery to achieve health, happiness
and honesty to last a lifetime. Gifts you will
be grateful and blessed with as you move
forward in your life.

Tynesider22

I honestly don't remember my last drunk. I do know it lasted a few days.

I remember waking up and being so weak, but walking, struggling, to the off licence to buy some more so I didn't feel that ill, this went on for a while, drinking, sleeping, waking, sweating, vomiting, urinating the bed, on and on it went.

My last drink was a glass of wine on the morning after the money ran out. It was all I had. It did nothing. I felt ill. I had no options left. I rang the doctor who sent me to hospital, who thankfully admitted me. If they didn't, I'm sure it would have been game over.

I wonder if I had fun the last night I was under the influence? I think I probably felt normal, as that's why I drank in the end, to not feel ill.

Dropsie

Yeah, the first everything feels hard, until you realize it isnt.

As mindful man reminds us, everything really is better sober. And it is!!!!

But that is the rationale answer and we are addicts.

So, what helped me in the beginning was to remind myself that the decision had already been taken and I was NEVER going to quit that decision, and that one sip was GAME over.

Now it is all automatic, but with all those firsts, just remember that there will be a next Christmas, birthday, whatever, and they will just keep getting better, as long as you never quit the decision. But one sip, and its all over. At least for me it would be.

And if that means giving the party a miss, faking a sickie, do it. You will never regret it my friend.

Ghostlight1

Wise words.
I'll be ten years sober on Christmas Eve and I still remember my last binge. I always will. All I have to do is think about it, and all the ones beforehand, and it keeps me sober.
I think it's so important not to forget what it was like 'out there'.
That's why I still come here. One, to help the newcomer, and two, to be reminded of that last binge and where it (they) got me.

columbus

Carry on, Wil76!

ScottFromWI

I do think it's important to remember where we came from, but not so much that we dwell on it. I was drunk every day, most of the day for many, many years - so I can't even really say when my "Last" drunk was specifically. But I can tell you the last day I took a drink ;-)

SoberCAH

I still remember my last several drunks.

I sure don't want to stand in those shoes again.

I was miserable.

Stayingsassy

This may sound goofy, but if you think about it long enough, the real peace and contentment of this season has nothing to do with drinking.

Let it take your mind back to childhood. If you were fortunate enough to have a stable home life and your parents had money for gifts, then it was a fun and beautiful time full of wonder.

I get so disappointed when I realize in adulthood, just how many fun and interesting times in life like holidays get hijacked by alcohol.

Here was a fun and festive time I remember as a drinker: puking in my mother in laws bathroom at family Xmas time while everyone opened presents.

Here’s a fun time on Fourth of July: drinking from 9 in the morning on until I was so drunk I became belligerently angry at everyone who showed up to our party and refused to come downstairs until half the party was over, then was too drunk to follow anyone’s conversation or eat.

Here’s some fun times on vacation: keeping coolers full of cases of beer in the backseat of the family car so I could drink the entire time while my husband drove: our kids watching, of course.

I’m so done with these fun times. And inordinately glad I have it all solidly behind me. I’ve been kind of sad and I’ve gained some weight and I’ve lost my sass but gosh darned if I didn’t GET SOBER like a freaking miracle...and watching everyone around me toss them back as a Christmas hobby honestly doesn’t get to me in the least.

Relax into it. You can enjoy this holiday. Much more than the addicted part of your brain wants you to believe you will.

jimmyJlover

As a newcomer this is a great thread to read and a significant topic. Throughout the tough times when drinking is on my mind, I continue to remind myself of the last drunk and my last sip.

1) My last drunk started with the typical "maybe I'll just have a few drinks now, then pace myself” mantra. I was at a day time festival. I was also in the midst of trying to “taper” down because I was preparing to quit in a few days, so essentially, I was already having some mild withdrawal symptoms. Well similar to every other time I drank, it became the same old same old of how many drinks can I get? Is the beer truck still serving? Is there enough beer? Do I have beer at home when I get back? Well the beer started flowing easy at first and I was proud that I was pacing myself, even thinking “I don’t really have a problem”. Then came more beers, then more that night when I got home. I distinctly remember standing in my garage at the end of the night, after plenty of beers and realizing I wasn’t even drunk anymore. The magic had worn off and I am just chugging beer for no reason…by myself. It’s the pity of lonesome in the end. I just stood there. I hated myself. Like always, I went back over in my head how I got to this point, mentally counting the beers I had, dissecting what went wrong and why I couldn’t have had just two. It was the same ****, different day. Later that night I awoke in a sweat with chest pressure and palpitations, anxiety, shakiness, headache, etc. These symptoms had become the norm and the ones I don’t want to forget. I have left that behind now.

2) Unlike all the prior self-promises of quitting, surprisingly I was adamant with my plan to stop drinking this time. I was at the point of experiencing negative symptoms with drinking, not the magic I used to love. On the last night of drinking and my 3rd or 4th day of taper, (a few days after above drunk) I was down to 2-3 beers over a 4-5hr period. I was literally drinking to stave off severe withdrawal symptoms, still experiencing the mild to moderate stuff fueled by anxiety. I downloaded an app to help track my no drinking status beginning the next day. I didn’t realize it tracked not just days, but down to the minute. So, at 23:57hrs I took my last swig out of a can of beer prior to bed. I will never forget the humiliation. A tremendous amount of negativity had culminated to that very moment. I just stared at the clock. I never wanted to be here again.

Over the last 47 days I often think about these 2 things. I don’t ever want to be back there.

Dee74

Hows it all going Wil?

D

SoberBeard