How do you move away from an alco-centric social life?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by DriGuy 
I went to AA meetings every night. It wasn't the group I would normally choose to be with, but it did serve as a replacement for the old. You can bank on being accepted there. Making new social groups occurs naturally, and you can expand on AA from there. It was a great temporary stop. For some it becomes the main source of socialization for the rest of their lives.
My one objection was watching all those souls who fall off the wagon and turn up again a month later. I used to worry that I may accept that style and adopt it as my own, which would have been unacceptable for my overall plan. I didn't become close to those people, but I did cordially accept them. In any group, there will be those you don't mesh well with, so it wasn't much different from my other social group.
I did make close relationships with some members who I had more in common with, total abstinence being one of the commonalities.
My one objection was watching all those souls who fall off the wagon and turn up again a month later. I used to worry that I may accept that style and adopt it as my own, which would have been unacceptable for my overall plan. I didn't become close to those people, but I did cordially accept them. In any group, there will be those you don't mesh well with, so it wasn't much different from my other social group.
I did make close relationships with some members who I had more in common with, total abstinence being one of the commonalities.
Well said.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1
I realized that all of the people I saw on a daily basis were fellow alcoholics. So, I cut them out of my life. There's a bit more to it than that (turns out these guys were total @#$%^&*s and booze was clouding my judgment). I have no social life right now, as I'm in a new-to-me place where I don't know anyone but family members. I gave AA multiple tries but it's not for me. (We're talking countless meetings over a decade.)
Finally, I got really sick a few months ago (cirrhosis, ascites, etc.) so I'm more concerned about staying alive (and sane) than meeting new people. If it happens, great. If not, life goes on.
Finally, I got really sick a few months ago (cirrhosis, ascites, etc.) so I'm more concerned about staying alive (and sane) than meeting new people. If it happens, great. If not, life goes on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by pdxgrrrl
I realized that all of the people I saw on a daily basis were fellow alcoholics. So, I cut them out of my life. There's a bit more to it than that (turns out these guys were total @#$%^&*s and booze was clouding my judgment). I have no social life right now, as I'm in a new-to-me place where I don't know anyone but family members. I gave AA multiple tries but it's not for me. (We're talking countless meetings over a decade.)
Finally, I got really sick a few months ago (cirrhosis, ascites, etc.) so I'm more concerned about staying alive (and sane) than meeting new people. If it happens, great. If not, life goes on.
Finally, I got really sick a few months ago (cirrhosis, ascites, etc.) so I'm more concerned about staying alive (and sane) than meeting new people. If it happens, great. If not, life goes on.
lillyknitting
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Loughton, Essex, England
Posts: 638
Originally Posted by vulcan30
Hello,
I just want to share something about my circumstances and a problem that I'm facing with regards to giving up drinking. In a nutshell, for social life, I face two binary choices;
I also want to share an article and quote something from that I think is relevant to my situation;
https://www.succeedsocially.com/sociallifenoalcohol
"when your 'go to' way to hang out with your friends is to sit around and drink with them, you can get into a rut where that's all you do"
That's me!
Has anyone faced with problem? How did you get around it?
I just want to share something about my circumstances and a problem that I'm facing with regards to giving up drinking. In a nutshell, for social life, I face two binary choices;
- Be cooped in
- Go to bars where I'll find it difficult not to drink
I also want to share an article and quote something from that I think is relevant to my situation;
https://www.succeedsocially.com/sociallifenoalcohol
"when your 'go to' way to hang out with your friends is to sit around and drink with them, you can get into a rut where that's all you do"
That's me!
Has anyone faced with problem? How did you get around it?
Ultimately I had to stop going to places that were predominantly drink orientated. My Friday night binges had to stop! They were integrally etched into my whole being - Friday night was THE night. My life just was hell whilst I kept doing it. Like a smoker who has to stop. It was a habit ingrained in my life, the people/crowd I mixed with were all boozers. Every weekend was the same, it used to take me the whole weekend to get over it. The states I used to get in, the rows and fights with my daughter and husband. When I look back I cannot believe what an utter waste of precious life - all for a load of crap!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 86
Hi again, thanks everyone for the helpful replies, I appreciate all the input.
I'm starting to see some light here, drinking is like living in a bubble. When you look at it from the outside, this idea that you only have these two choices is being in a box. They're unhelpful beliefs that a drinking-centric lifestyle instills over time.
I've noticed a couple of people have mentioned that when you got sober, you realized that a lot of the people you went drinking with you didn't have much in common with anyway. I would also like to say that this is true for me too; some of the people I meet up with to go out drinking actually don't have that much in common with either. My situation is thus that a lot of my friends who I have more in common with have moved away to different towns and countries.
Anyway, as for third choices; I used to do salsa classes and I found I enjoyed that SIGNIFICANTLY more than hanging around in dive bars with deadbeats. Unfortunately in my town, the class I was doing suffered from low numbers and stopped.
As for meeting new people; those sorts of bars, (the sorts of places that my drinking buddies frequent that is) have got to be the WORST places in the WHOLE WORLD to meet new people and have great conversations with (to be fair one of the reasons I drink a lot in those situations is because I find the company dull), certainly not the sort of places you'd go to meet a nice young lady.
There was a time when I was actively engaged in a meetup group from couchsurfing where I met many new friends & even went on a roadtrip. Sadly that's no longer running. The thing I want to mention is that during that time, I was almost teetotal.
As for AA, the good news is there's quite a few meeting within firing distance of me, many happening in the evenings. One thing I will need to cope with cravings is people to ring up. There is this one friend I can ring however, in the evenings he always says 'I'm watching tv & having a beer' which when I'm experiencing a craving, only serves to strengthen it. So having people at the other end of the phone available for those times is something which would be helpful.
I'm starting to see the alco-centric lifestyle for what it really is; **** and boring. I'm starting to see a life without alcohol not as deprivation or sacrifice, but as opening doors. I feel like I'm starting to see the light and to wake up and smell the coffee.
I'm starting to see some light here, drinking is like living in a bubble. When you look at it from the outside, this idea that you only have these two choices is being in a box. They're unhelpful beliefs that a drinking-centric lifestyle instills over time.
I've noticed a couple of people have mentioned that when you got sober, you realized that a lot of the people you went drinking with you didn't have much in common with anyway. I would also like to say that this is true for me too; some of the people I meet up with to go out drinking actually don't have that much in common with either. My situation is thus that a lot of my friends who I have more in common with have moved away to different towns and countries.
Anyway, as for third choices; I used to do salsa classes and I found I enjoyed that SIGNIFICANTLY more than hanging around in dive bars with deadbeats. Unfortunately in my town, the class I was doing suffered from low numbers and stopped.
As for meeting new people; those sorts of bars, (the sorts of places that my drinking buddies frequent that is) have got to be the WORST places in the WHOLE WORLD to meet new people and have great conversations with (to be fair one of the reasons I drink a lot in those situations is because I find the company dull), certainly not the sort of places you'd go to meet a nice young lady.
There was a time when I was actively engaged in a meetup group from couchsurfing where I met many new friends & even went on a roadtrip. Sadly that's no longer running. The thing I want to mention is that during that time, I was almost teetotal.
As for AA, the good news is there's quite a few meeting within firing distance of me, many happening in the evenings. One thing I will need to cope with cravings is people to ring up. There is this one friend I can ring however, in the evenings he always says 'I'm watching tv & having a beer' which when I'm experiencing a craving, only serves to strengthen it. So having people at the other end of the phone available for those times is something which would be helpful.
I'm starting to see the alco-centric lifestyle for what it really is; **** and boring. I'm starting to see a life without alcohol not as deprivation or sacrifice, but as opening doors. I feel like I'm starting to see the light and to wake up and smell the coffee.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Love love your post!!
And, someone mentioned something along the lines of us realizing that we GET to choose different stuff when sober. That was so freeing- and strange at first- since my auto pilot was....drinking & doing anything and everything I could involving alcohol!
Keep going!
And, someone mentioned something along the lines of us realizing that we GET to choose different stuff when sober. That was so freeing- and strange at first- since my auto pilot was....drinking & doing anything and everything I could involving alcohol!
Keep going!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by vulcan30
I'm starting to see a life without alcohol not as deprivation or sacrifice, but as opening doors.
And when you stop and think about it, you will realize you were sacrificing all the while you were drinking.
Sobriety is not the sacrifice. Giving up acting like an idiot and gaining back a measure of self respect is not a sacrifice. Let's get some perspective on that. This insight is a big step.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Great suggestions here, and great second post Vulcan!
I did most of my drinking at home, so for me it was very important in the befinning to plan alternate activities for myself. I went to the gym, hikes, took my kids to the park, sometimes I planned a night of binge watching, I did lots of reading, and spent a lot of time on here. The good thing is now I no longer need to plan for this time, alcohol is not a thought, and I know it is never an option. Two of my kids are now teenagers, and they require lots of shuttling from one place to another, and the great thing is I am always sober and able to drive.
I really does get easier, and I I promise it is worth it!!
I did most of my drinking at home, so for me it was very important in the befinning to plan alternate activities for myself. I went to the gym, hikes, took my kids to the park, sometimes I planned a night of binge watching, I did lots of reading, and spent a lot of time on here. The good thing is now I no longer need to plan for this time, alcohol is not a thought, and I know it is never an option. Two of my kids are now teenagers, and they require lots of shuttling from one place to another, and the great thing is I am always sober and able to drive.
I really does get easier, and I I promise it is worth it!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 86
Hi again all, thanks for all the helpful replies
I hate to say I've slipped. The reason why was related to something I mentioned in the reply; I don't have that much in common with the people I'm with (this deserves a thread or an entire blog, hideously difficult to talk about) & I was invited to a pub. They're not bad people but not the right match for me. I've known them for years but they're just not on the same wavelength. Not to sound conceited, I don't find a whole night talking about the latest movies, recitations about sitcoms interesting. I HATE whole nights of interrogation sessions of 'have you seen', no this is new, followed up be 'seriously'; hate it! Most BORING conversation ever invented.Especially when people you're with say negative things or criticize your tastes for not being the same as theirs. You don't build rapport by interrogating people, you build rapport by finding common interests, not knocking those that don't appeal to you. I can' tstand people who only talk about themselves & especially, who criticize and knock people down who they don't like; bloody negativity brigade. That sort of company, that would drive anyone to drink.
@ driguy
"^This! Don't lose sight of it. Realizing that sobriety is not a deprivation is an important step toward seeing reality clearly. In addition, when you realize how true it is, it gives you even more strength and determination to go on."
RE seeing not drinking as deprivation or sacrifice but opening doors
I am starting to see alcohol not as a friend, but as a poison. This thought has helped me get through cravings. In the bigger picture, not drinking is not deprivation, it's not the straight and narrow. Theres a parallel with diets. When people feel they 'shouldn't' do something, they'll want it more. The same is true of alcohol and other drugs (I don't know why alcohol is not seen as a drug, it is).
Back to my reply;
It's all about finding what emotional needs are not met & ways of meeting them without alcohol. I think part of the problem in my case has been identified. & realizing what role this filthy drug plays.
What happened tonight was the PAIN.
When I break this ******* cycle! Binge, hangover, OMG never drinking again! two/three days later; beer or glass of wine sounds nice. Gues what happens? OMG, horrid hangover, never drinking gain! The cycle goes on.
Hopefully some folks relate and are not put-off by the 'I've slipped' bit.
I hate to say I've slipped. The reason why was related to something I mentioned in the reply; I don't have that much in common with the people I'm with (this deserves a thread or an entire blog, hideously difficult to talk about) & I was invited to a pub. They're not bad people but not the right match for me. I've known them for years but they're just not on the same wavelength. Not to sound conceited, I don't find a whole night talking about the latest movies, recitations about sitcoms interesting. I HATE whole nights of interrogation sessions of 'have you seen', no this is new, followed up be 'seriously'; hate it! Most BORING conversation ever invented.Especially when people you're with say negative things or criticize your tastes for not being the same as theirs. You don't build rapport by interrogating people, you build rapport by finding common interests, not knocking those that don't appeal to you. I can' tstand people who only talk about themselves & especially, who criticize and knock people down who they don't like; bloody negativity brigade. That sort of company, that would drive anyone to drink.
@ driguy
"^This! Don't lose sight of it. Realizing that sobriety is not a deprivation is an important step toward seeing reality clearly. In addition, when you realize how true it is, it gives you even more strength and determination to go on."
RE seeing not drinking as deprivation or sacrifice but opening doors
I am starting to see alcohol not as a friend, but as a poison. This thought has helped me get through cravings. In the bigger picture, not drinking is not deprivation, it's not the straight and narrow. Theres a parallel with diets. When people feel they 'shouldn't' do something, they'll want it more. The same is true of alcohol and other drugs (I don't know why alcohol is not seen as a drug, it is).
Back to my reply;
It's all about finding what emotional needs are not met & ways of meeting them without alcohol. I think part of the problem in my case has been identified. & realizing what role this filthy drug plays.
What happened tonight was the PAIN.
When I break this ******* cycle! Binge, hangover, OMG never drinking again! two/three days later; beer or glass of wine sounds nice. Gues what happens? OMG, horrid hangover, never drinking gain! The cycle goes on.
Hopefully some folks relate and are not put-off by the 'I've slipped' bit.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sorry to hear that Vulcan. Looking back do you think going to a Pub was a good decision no matter who you went with? If you aren't going to drink don't go to a bar - it's a fairly straightforward equation.
Having said that, it's certainly not easy to quit..no one here would ever insinuate that. You are likely going to need to make MAJOR changes to your life for a while and you probably won't like it much... I didn't either. But just like anything else worth having in life, sobriety is hard to get. I hope you can quit drinking tonight and make plans to have a dry day tomorrow.
Having said that, it's certainly not easy to quit..no one here would ever insinuate that. You are likely going to need to make MAJOR changes to your life for a while and you probably won't like it much... I didn't either. But just like anything else worth having in life, sobriety is hard to get. I hope you can quit drinking tonight and make plans to have a dry day tomorrow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 86
As embarrassing as this is & even though I've slipped, Scott is right;
"You are likely going to need to make MAJOR changes to your life for a while and you probably won't like it much... I didn't either."
I think that this goes beyond having a dry day and staying on the strait ( if you focus on that (dry=deprived) you'll make yourself feel deprived, that's why diets don't work). I think this is about CHANGING your social circle & life. This has long been overdue for me. TBH a lot of the people I've had to hang around with have been met through convenience, through circumstance. Doesn't mean they're bad people, doesn't mean I don't like them, it means I need to meet more COMPATIBLE friends at the end of the phone or to meet up with.
"You are likely going to need to make MAJOR changes to your life for a while and you probably won't like it much... I didn't either."
I think that this goes beyond having a dry day and staying on the strait ( if you focus on that (dry=deprived) you'll make yourself feel deprived, that's why diets don't work). I think this is about CHANGING your social circle & life. This has long been overdue for me. TBH a lot of the people I've had to hang around with have been met through convenience, through circumstance. Doesn't mean they're bad people, doesn't mean I don't like them, it means I need to meet more COMPATIBLE friends at the end of the phone or to meet up with.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
I'm afraid you may be placing too much importance on making new friends, making sure they're compatible, seeking out better conversations, when your initial focus probably should be on feeling okay in your own skin without alcohol. I understand the need to feel connected, but a major change like getting and staying sober is an inside job, independent of other people. A few weeks sorting out your own thoughts and feelings without drinking won't make you a cloistered monk! Take some time to and for yourself to get better, and maybe hit a meeting if you get lonesome for company.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Don't close doors, open them. That includes your social life. It took me a year to get comfortable around people after I quit drinking. And I was the life of the party while drinking??? Go figure. Weird disease. Thank God it's over.
just hang in there and don't fret over this. Everything will change as long as you don't drink. Let your social life come back naturally. Don't rush this.
just hang in there and don't fret over this. Everything will change as long as you don't drink. Let your social life come back naturally. Don't rush this.
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