dsmaxis10

I drank yes i did why for every reason to know I will never know why I drank I have no reason I was born with the gene and i tasted it that's either a death sentence or your lifes liberation

SoberCAH

By the time that I really started drinking (in college - the high school years were more or less due diligence and exploratory efforts), I had terribly low self-esteem.

Ihad grown up in an alcoholic and shaming environment.

I had horrible anxiety and depression.

And I was fearful that I wouldn't be able to make a living.

Alcohol made me feel pretty good about myself.

Until it started creating a lot of problems.

I am confident that I was self-medicating.

In the end, the seeming cure became worse than the underlying problems.

But I kept right on drinking, more and more as each year passed, with the consequences getting progressively more problematic.

Until I finally asked for help.

Grungehead

There were many reasons that I drank, some of it probably genetic (both grandfathers died from alcoholism), but the better question would be why couldn't I quit when alcohol started causing problems in my life. And that answer turned out to be because I was an alcoholic. I reached a point where the mental obsession over alcohol when not drinking always drew me back to it, and the phenomenon of craving meant that once I took that first drink I lost control over how much I drank.

When I worked the steps the 4th step kind of dug into the whys. For me personally it was mostly about fear, and how my fears manifested themselves in numerous destructive ways.

I was born with a heart defect (have had 2 open heart surgeries in adulthood as a result), and it played a big part in how I saw myself growing up. I was seen by cardiologists every 6 months (more frequently at times) for my entire childhood with the need for surgery a possible result of each checkup. At age 17 when I had just graduated from HS and was about to go to college I got the "bad news checkup". However after more tests it was determined to wait on the surgery. It was then, my freshman year in college, that I discovered that alcohol could make all my fears go away...at least for awhile.

I was a happy kid, from a loving family, who just so happened to live in constant fear that all of that would be taken away one day. Once I found that alcohol quieted those fears I couldn't seem to get enough...until one day it stopped working. By then it was too late as the mental obsession and the phenomenon of craving was in control.

Outonthetiles

When I started drinking, I liked the sensation immediately. I was underage so I went months or even years between drinks. In college I really started to take off, and then I more or less drank at normal levels for twenty years with no apparent problem. My drinking only really went out of control after the end of a serious, long relationship and it just got worse from there for two or three years. I was at my worst in 2013 and really don't remember very much from that year. I've posted this before, but I was genuinely surprised to learn that the Seahawks won the Superbowl that season, even though followed the team. I didn't know that until my then fiance told me in 2016. Likewise, I have virtually no knowledge of movie, TV or cultural events from that time period.
What was the question again? Why did I drink. The break up mostly and then I got addicted. What I found was that drinking masked a whole host of issues in my life that I was forced to confront as I got sober. I had a ton of deferred emotional issues that I have had to unravel, and I'm glad I've been able to work on myself after getting sober.

GroundhogDay

This resonates with me. Slow is the operative word here. At almost four years sober, I can look back and see how very far I have come. But earlier in recovery, progress seemed slow.

A little more than a year ago, I began going to a Catholic church and praying regularly. I was confirmed last Easter. That has been life changing for me. I feel a strong sense of purpose now.

MindfulMan

The why came long after the what. Get sober, get some distance, go to a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction to rule out any underlying mental health issues that may be helped with therapy. Did inpatient rehab....really didn't touch any why's, just resolved to stop drinking. Outpatient rehab was useful because we did cognitive therapy to help deal with anxiety, depression, etc. (it was a dual diagnosis program...I felt like we should have worn name tags with our drug of choice and our diagnosis. "My name. Alcohol, cocaine, benzos, MDMA. Bipolar II disorder."

On the advice of the extremely brilliant academic/psychiatrist who ran the program and my individual counselor whilst there, I started individual psychodynamic therapy at about 6 months sober. We started with a modified 4th Step, but it uncovered a lot of "whys" that I'm still working on.

Done with alcohol and drugs tho. It's now about working on my life and my underlying mental health issues, which fortunately responded brilliantly to medication once I STOPPED self-medicating.

Poppy46

I fully understand the hopelessness. Especially at 6 months for some reason and I've never been able to understand why it seems to come up at that point.

I have plenty of underlying things (anxiety, trauma, fear, codependence, resentment) that surface for me when I stop drinking but after several years and lots of quit attempts, I realized I might be overcomplicating things by obsessing about my moods.

Almost always my obsessiveness has led me to self sabotage or relapse. I'm sure self-pity has something to do with it.

I try to think of my feelings of despair and hopelessness as my brain trying to heal itself. I dumped poisonous chemicals in my body for decades which really wreaked havoc on the neurotransmitter systems in my brain and now reestablishing normal (or as close as possible) levels of feel good chemicals in that brain could take a really long time.

When I feel hopeless, I hold on. I cry and walk and distract myself and tell myself it's normal and remind myself there are a million recovering addicts out there probably experiencing exactly the same feelings I am.

I try to sit with the pain and remind myself that everything changes. Nothing stays the same forever and I'm strong enough to withstand feeling bad. I've done it before and I didn't die.

I know if I drink, I start the healing clock back at zero.

Purpleman

What screwed me up wasn't that I drank to mask bigger issues, but the belief that I drank to mask bigger issues. Once I got some serious alcohol free time up I started looking to the present & future, & a lot of those so-called "bigger issues" didn't seem so big anymore

Maudcat

I think the reasons why we drank are all unique, from “ I drank to cope with anxiety or depression or social fright”, to “ I drank because it was there.”
In my case, I developed an overdrinking problem in my late 50’s.
I believe that I drank because of work stresses several years running, and because I had come to deeply dislike a job that I used to love and felt I was born to do.
I was stressed and working very hard.
Drinking helped me to relax a bit and lose some of the stress.
Of course, that doesn’t really work long term, as we know.
So I stopped.
Drinking doesn’t solve anything. I found that out.

WaterOx

I'm starting to realize that I'm triggered a lot more than I allow myself to believe and that it's important to respect, acknowledge and then let go of those triggers. They are everywhere. LOL!

As for why drinking became a problem, it's simply a crutch. If I want to be really harsh with myself, it's fearing life and all it has to offer, the good and the bad.

I remember hearing people talk about addictions like cigarettes and alcohol "stunting your growth" and as a kid I used to think that meant you'd end up less tall. Now I know they were talking about mental and emotional growth.