Pathwaytofree

I love the gift of self awareness that sobriety has given me, even though growth can be painful at times. There's one habit of mine that seems to be sticking around still and I don't know how to fix it.

I tend to talk people's ears off sometimes. I don't mean to. There are a couple of topics in my life that I am very passionate about. If I find someone who may have similar passions, off I go. I don't pick up on social cues very well.

I can't tell if I'm boring the person, or if they're interested. Unless I see someone holding in a yawn. Yeah thankfully I can see that. But maybe they're just tired?

I grew up around parents who talked people's ears off. I observed them doing this, but I guess I never really caught on how the other person was reacting and acting. I know they meant no harm in doing this. They're just both very outgoing and like to chat. So I didn't have good role models in this respect.

At a recent get together, I was able to just sit back and enjoy listening to conversations around me. I also was able to ask people about themselves, in a natural way (When I first started this, I think it came across as interviewing the person! lol). But at a most recent get together, I think I was way too chatty.

I don't want a reputation as someone who only talks about 2 topics, is boring to listen to, or hijacks a person in a conversation. This makes me really sad. I will NOT listen to the voice in my head that says "You were more fun when you drank" because that's a lie. But I seriously do want to learn how I can be better in social situations and with friends.

I even catch myself talking way too much with my sponsees. My intention is to help them and give them all the knowledge/experience I have. But I think it's too much at once. I really want to learn how to simplify my conversations, and do a normal back and forth conversation.

I see now why I love movies with conversations and character development so much. I want what they have. To just be able to have that calm, intimate, back and forth chatting with no one interrupting, or talking a mile a minute and chatting someone's ears off. I'm so sad that I haven't been able to figure this one out yet. I feel socially defective. I think this is why I tend to gravitate toward 2 topics that I feel safe with.

entropy1964

Hmm. If you know you talk to much, then you must feel somewhat unable to control your talking? Any ideas why? Not the parents, but why you do that? Do you feel uncomfortable with silence? Do you feel you need to carry the conversation....like its your responsibility? Does it make you anxious just to be silent?

I don't know. Maybe just remind yourself, 'I have 2 ears and 1 mouth. I should listen twice as much as I talk'.

Pathwaytofree

I wish I knew exactly why. Yes, at times I do feel unable to control my talking. It's mortifying to admit this. It's not done on purpose.

I think it may be a combination of things. And yes sorry my parents are included because I think it's both nature and nuture here. I was raised by abusive (one parent), narcissistic parents with the emotional maturity of children, and I wasn't allowed to have my own needs or feelings. Not an easy environment to be raised in.

But parents aside, I think it's mostly some sort of social anxiety, and maybe biological. My mother said I didn't talk until I was 3 years old, and once I started I didn't stop (I'm sure she was exaggerating in the last part there, because usually teachers told her I was a quiet, well-behaved student. But I once got in trouble for saying something I didn't mean to say and it insulted the teacher.)

Yes, it also at times makes me anxious to be silent.

I used to be that annoying friend who would talk or ask a question during a tv show or movie. Again it wasn't done on purpose. I didn't realize I was doing this, until someone pointed it out to me. I've been a lot better with not doing this, once it was pointed out to me. But if I'm anxious about missing something, I can't help it and I'll ask a question. Or I get a compulsion to share what I'm thinking about the story line. I get anxious that I'm going to forget it what I'm going to ask or say. It sucks. I think it's related to my OCD because I don't mean to do it. I don't want to ruin the tv show or movie for anyone.

Also my brain gets all weird--when a thought comes I get nervous that I'm going to forget it unless I say it right away. My dad's like this too and he doesn't mean harm by it. Maybe it's ADD? It's not impulsive, because I'm not an impulsive person. It's more like compulsive, if that makes sense. I have noticed, however, that when I'm in a calm peaceful place, this doesn't happen and I can sit back and take everything in. I can wait to ask a question or say something. The anxiety isn't there. It's cool. And I hate myself a lot less when I can do that.

I suck at being able to describe something without all the details. It's just how my brain (and my dad's brain) have always worked. I hate this about myself and just don't know how to change it. My friends used to think my "stories" were cute--or maybe they were just poking fun at my quirk, I don't know. But I imagine they're rather boring. I wish I understood why my brain was like this, and HOW TO CHANGE IT. I just want to learn how to do a normal back and forth type conversation, and why I can't seem to do that. I get absolutely mesmerized when I watch a movie where people are just having conversation. I want to jump into the screen and be that.

See even this damn response is long. I wish I could learn how to condense my thoughts before I speak or type.

When I'm depressed, I'm quiet. Unless I'm trying to deny and cover up feeling depressed.

This is a good reminder. I learned it early on in AA. Many years ago, I used to be that annoying person at open discussion meetings who'd raise their hand, blurt out a non stop anxious stream of unconscious thought, and stop when the 3 minute buzzer went off. Years later at a new AA meeting I was basically told in nice terms to sit down, shut up, and don't speak till you did the steps. That helped me tremendously because I got a lot out of just listening.

SnazzyDresser

Sounds like you've got a lot to say, nothing wrong with that!

AAPJ

Over the years my natural bias was to talk instead of listen. Talking a lot is still is my natural bias but I have made an effort to just shut up. I am learning the joy of listening in recovery. I have also discovered that most folks prefer a listener to a talker when engaging in social conversation. I continue to be amazed at how much folks like me when I am more interested in what they have to say.

For me my over talking conversation style is/was a symptom of my self centeredness.

Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.

August252015

Reading your posts (and as a talker too) ... a few of your words jump out at me - anxiety, worry, and such. Have you, or would you consider, seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist? It is helpful IME because I have a neutral third party to share my concerns (ie the talking too much, social impact, etc) and get feedback as to whether they might be kinda unfounded, or useful tactics to use (I love my psych for a bunch of reasons and one is that she has this way of not telling me what to do while presenting options for my behavior choices)....and can also truly dx things like an anxiety disorder (which I do have) and the like....

I'm definitely (often, too) self-"observant" and it can drive me a little nutty if I let it spin out of control. Learning to better harness that energy into recovery progress (not perfection, ha!) is a good use of that energy.

tomsteve

Yes, it also at times makes me anxious to be silent.

it seems this would be the thing to dig into and find out why. something that may help is finding a place with no one around( i found being out in the woods is a good place) with pen and paper , say a prayer for guidance and understanding, and just be silent. meditate on it.
and write down thoughts that come up on it.

i used to be quite similar,PW. it could be different than what you experience as when i went on and on it was on my favorite subject- ME!!!

a lot of times i didnt(and can still happen today) listen with the intent to understand but listened to respond.

Pathwaytofree

Snazzydresser lol thank you for saying that! Some people I think do enjoy listening to talkers. I have a relative like that. He loves to watch and listen to his daughter and her children interact.

AAJP Thank you. You make really helpful points. It would help my social life a lot more if I shut up and listened more, and became focused on others and less on myself--anxiety or not.

August Thanks, August. I am working with one now. I think sometimes I don't bring stuff up there, until I realize when posting something on SR that I need to.

Tomsteve thank you, that's an excellent idea. I think the anxiety/silence thing is an escape, and there's a false comfort in talking.

LOL so at a party I could talk your ear off about myself, you could talk my ear off about yourself, we'd both be enjoying sparking water or iced tea or something, and be happy! Cheers to that!!

I love your last line--listen for intent instead of to respond. That's powerful. It makes me wonder why communication isn't taught in schools. That would've been much more helpful than having to memorize lines from Shakespeare!

Atlast9999

Pathway: The first step towards change is to identify the problem and you have definitely taken that step.

Professionally, I work with children and adults targeting social language. There are many individuals who struggle with the seemingly “natural” back and forth of social conversation. The good news is that it is a skill that can be learned. My favorite author on the subject is Michelle Garcia Winner - she has many stories/materials which are super helpful. Her materials are geared towards a broad population, not just a certain sub group.

Pathwaytofree

Thanks, Atlast. But here's the frustrating part. I often will finally say these things out loud in therapy, and sometimes many times repeatedly. But just saying them out lout gets me nowhere. That's why I wonder if I'd do better with a life coach, who would help give me concrete, step by step direct suggestions, and then help me overcome barriers to change and take action.

That's really cool to know. What do you see as the reason that people struggle with the natural back and forth of social conversation? I've read a little about NVLD and wondered if I had that as a kid. Many things seem to fit. Or do you see it in anxious kids?

I will check out Winner. Thank you for that recommendation. I'm assuming you mean her book is not just for kids?

Lpg

Omg I could have written this myself. I'm the same I always talk over the top of people, like whatever I'm thinking has to come out immediately, say too much which then leads me to over think pretty much everything I said and worry that iv made a fool of myself. I genuinely don't even realise I'm doing it my partner points it out to me I hate that I can't be chill and just go with the flow of conversations. I tend to change topics randomly also.
One thing I'm learning about myself is I'm very hyperactive even without alcohol, I think it comes from anxious nerves. I'm trying to slow myself down in company and really listen to what others are saying before I bardge in with my 2 cents worth.
I know that without booze though I'm not half as bad as I used to be, I may aswell have been talking through a megaphone then. No wonder no one sat next to me 🙊

Fusion

As a shy teenager, prior to becoming addicted, I felt uneasy when the conversation stopped, didn’t like the uncomfortable silence. So I developed the habit of talking, on and on. I hated it, because in order to talk like that, I had to disengage my thought filter, if that makes sense.

As I developed into maturity(ish) I learnt to reapply the filter, my parents called it ‘think and then speak, don’t just blurt everything out without listening to the other person, pause and consider your response’. I also learnt to accept that sometimes conversations just dry up, and that’s OK, I didn’t need to continue it by talking ‘at’ someone. We don’t all naturally gel into fluid conversation.

As I further matured and entered my career, I further honed this skill, until the pendulum swung too far the other way. In effect I started censoring my thoughts prior to speech, which made it difficult to engage in conversations.

I’ve never been one for ‘small talk’ though, and when I used to ‘rabbit on’ years ago, it was purely to appease or make the other person feel more comfortable, at the time when I felt discomfort at the turgidness of the conversation. Since stopping drinking, I’ve disengaged my people-pleaser tendency and set my thought to speech filter to a medium level.

Atlast9999

Pathway: there are so many reason for difficulties with social language. Winner is appropriate for children and adults. If you read any of her intro statements (easy to find online) you will see a huge cross section of individuals who struggle with social language. Diagnoses include ADHD, OCD, anxiety, NVLD, Autism, bipolar, depression, etc. It’s more common than you think. Sometimes saying your concerns out loud over and over is helpful. Sometimes writing them down, as well as writing some solutions, and reading them over and over is helpful too. Have you talked with your doctor about this? A counselor trained in social language would be helpful in coming up with solutions that work for you. Best of luck!

Pathwaytofree

You're not alone.
It helps me to hear from others, too.
This sounds just like me.
I topic jump too.
It seems like ADD but it's not. Unless it'll come out in the future that these are uncommon symptoms of ADD or something like that.

I don't think I'm personally hyperactive. I do think it's anxiety. In my 20s, I used to be sort of hyper-babbly, if that makes sense. I was covering up my depression.

I am trying to be a better listener, too. I'm a work in progress.

Alcohol worked for me when it did work, at sweeping my depression under the rug, and calming the anxiety to where it'd be a "happy outgoingness" or something like that. But that didn't last long.

I also used to talk very loud. I don't think I talk loud anymore but I'm not sure. If I do talk loudly now, it's due from too much loud music in my 20s and a really bad cell phone that my cheek used to hit the speaker button and I'd get blasted with it in my ear.

Pathwaytofree

Yes that does make sense. I think that's a main problem I have--a disengaged thought filter. That's a great term for that. I used to think I was an extrovert but I'm really an introvert at heart.

My parents were incapable of doing this, so I was never taught it. I know that's not an excuse, I should've *somehow* figured this out as an adult, but I didn't. I do it much more now because of the work I did in recovery and therapy.

I have trouble figuring out what to say at the end of a conversation. Someone was talking my ear off at an AA meeting the other night, and I didn't know how to get out of it.

How did you work on honing this skill?
That's interesting that it went to the other extreme. So I guess when you spoke, it sounded too rehearsed or non authentic?

I used to really enjoy small talk. Now I dislike it. But I am able to sit in a group of people who are small talking, and just observe quietly. If I'm one on one with small talk, I don't like it.

So what do you know regarding small talk?

Pathwaytofree

Thank you, Atlast. This is very helpful. I will definitely read her information. My diagnoses just don't fit neatly in a box, and a lot of symptoms overlap.

I'm just super tired of being misunderstood because of my issues. :-( Only my spouse seems to understand my intentions, and my best friend sort of just accepts me because she knows I'm well-meaning.

I'm not sure I understand. Can you explain this more?

I've talked a little bit with my therapist about this, but not enough. I don't think she's trained in social language, but I will ask about it.

Thank you!!

Atlast9999

Sometimes our worries are hyper focused on one or two things. I have found it can be helpful to identify the problem, write down some solutions, and then read that over and over again when it’s on your mind.

For example: problem = can’t end a conversation easily. Solutions = 1. look at my watch and say “oh I have to go”. 2. Tell the person it was nice to talk to them and walk away .... or whatever “solution” works. Then, when you are feeling worried about the “problem” you can read over your problem/solution response and help calm your brain down. Winner refers to these as social stories.

Like I said before, there are so many causes. People can’t always be pigeonholed into certain categories or diagnoses because there is a lot of overlap. At the end of the day, the root cause doesn’t matter. Rather, finding a solution that works for you does.

It sounds like you have some good support behind you with your therapist!

Pathwaytofree

That is a really great idea. :-) Thanks for that easy solution of action to take.

I am getting so much better at doing this, but I still have progress to make. Last night, one of my sponsees called me. It was a good conversation. (She's my favorite sponsee and is working hard). But suddenly I noticed how I was much more tired than I was at the beginning of the conversation. So, I just stated that I was trailing off and had to get going.

I like your suggestions, too, though. I will try to keep these in mind. I really like your idea of writing them down factually and briefly as problems and solutions. Since AA meetings are at night, it's a reasonable thing to say that I have to get going.

I should've said that the way I described myself with tv/movies is something I haven't done for about 25 years. However, I still had a little tweaking to do. I noticed I am a lot more peaceful and serene since doing my step work. But with the increase in self awareness, I see the flaws that still need to be further worked on.

Yes, therapy and step work for me go hand in hand.