Prayin4Daylight

Hello all. Obviously, I'm not one for posting. I found this site years ago when I was really in trouble with alcohol. I tried and failed miserably countless times to quit. I read a ton. I still read here off and on every few days, looking for strength. Feeling for those hurting, and quietly rooting for them. If I can do it, trust me, anyone can.

I am almost 3 years sober. I drank stupid amounts for many, many years. Towards the end, if I wasn't asleep, I was drinking. As much as possible. It was awful, but I dug myself out of that hole - alone, except praying for God's help which He gave me. I don't regret that decision and I know I can never go back. It's wonderful to be free and I never thought it possible. I am thankful every day that I escaped so many horrible outcomes that, but for the grace of God, could have happened. I still get sick just thinking about it, but I am free and made it and I should be happy right?

But I struggle. Not with the alcohol or cravings, but from the aftermath and who I am. I lost friends along the way when I was drinking, from my poor and selfish behavior. Also, by my own doing, I isolated myself from everyone except my wife and kids. Since quitting, I have continued to do so, but now even including my wife.

I'm sober but lonely. Lonely in my own house in fact. My wife has her friends, her own social life, and can be normal drinking and loving a social night out. I can't and just have no interest, and that causes strain. And more isolating. And I resent it. I have a lot to be thankful for, but most of the time find myself disinterested in anything, and just wanting something....different. What, I don't know. Then, I feel guilty for thinking anything negative, as I should be nothing other than grateful for the blessings that I have, and for being given the strength to dig out of the death spiral I was in. I am grateful. So definitely grateful. But I am also miserable in my own, and making it worse on myself and everyone around me as time goes on. I go through the motions every day - work, be grateful, provide for my family, go to sleep and do it again.

Not sure what the point of this post is really, other than an attempt to reach out for something. To someone. I'm desperately wanting to find my right way but I can't find the path. I'll get moments / days / weeks where I feel better, but inevitably return to feeling lost and lonely. Isolating myself felt like the right and only move when 100% of my energy was going towards not drinking and partying, but now, I'm just...lost.

NulaMeansZero

powerful.
your words strike a cord with me. I do not have the correct response but I feel like I need to say something, for some reason.
you have accomplished alot in the past three years, #1 being that you have succeeded in saving yourself,saving your life #2 getting you act together and providing for your family .....
no one knows truly what is going on deep inside you but you, you have done what many cant and that's "embrace your sobriety" understand that you (myself included) can never drink again. You have stop that downward spiral and for 3 years rebuilt yourself from the inside out.
A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT.
Congrats too by the way!!!!

Now its time to find meaning, motivation and interest. Whether or not your spouse can or cannot drink , socialize, etc...remember everyone, everything is different.

Your looking for a path you say.......have you tried taking that first step....

Similar to you I needed something, but yet I have everything, a home, kids, wife...alcohol was a tool I used to kill time , kill myself, blah blah blah.....when I stop I had alot of time to dwell , beat myself up mentally, actually the down time wasnt good, the thought and energy I wasted on thinking about my past, or my problem (sobriety) weight me down.
Too be honest I feel what you are saying, I was lonely too, still feel it which is crazy but I understand what you mean.......
You need to fill your time, you've had alot of time, being sober opens up hours in the day and night.
Get busy, get lost in thought tinkering on something.
Me, Im renovating my home, Im working 8-10 hrs on weekends when before I was working on killing my liver.
I get so into it , its like a new hobbie of mine to find a project , research it, do it , complete the task, feel the accomplishment, find a new task....

Not sure if Im making any sense , but your not alone in how you feel, you just need to stop feeling lost and lonely and turn that around somehow.....

Get busy living, its beautiful being alive, find purpose...

Congrats again on 3 years!! Your the man!!!

ScottFromWI

Welcome to the posting side of the fence Prayin, and I'd also echo that those are powerful words. Congratulations on 3 years sober too, that's an accomplishment you should be very proud of.

For me getting sober was only the start. I had so many underlying issues that i needed to work on after I quit, and many of them I simply expected to improve because I had quit drinking. While many did, some of the major ones definitely did not. As and example, anxiety. I waited almost 2 years after quitting to finally admit/accept that something was wrong and that I needed to seek help for it. I finally did and found some very effective ways to deal with it. I'm also still learning how to open up and interact with my family, I isolated and hid from it for so long that don't know if I ever really even learned how - I started drinking in my mid teens and literally didn't stop until I was in my mid 40s.

Have you sat down and just let this all out to your wife about how you feel by chance? She likely won't understand the addiction part of it, but knowing how you feel may help her help you. Or have you considered seeing a couselor/therapist to see if maybe you have some depression going on? It's a very, very common thing and very treatable.

Dee74

welcome back Prayin4Daylight

Do you have any interests or hobbies at all? Anything you'd like to do?

That's often an 'in' for making new friends, friends who only know you as a non drinker

D

columbus

Powerful, honest, post indeed.

I'm with Scott on this one.

Have you talked with your wife about this?

Maybe you could just print it out and ask her to read it privately?

Stayingsassy

Wow, I can really relate.

After six months I am still hiding from people and I can see myself being right where you are at 3 years.

I think I'm still afraid to socialize but I can't let that be an excuse for the long term. I'm trying to figure out ways to *gasp* make friends, ugh even saying that bothers me. partly because so many people drink and I dont want to find myself struggling with cravings because I'm with friends that drink.

Put yourself out there, I suppose? There's more than one way to fix loneliness but it does always involve an element of risk.

MindfulMan

Beautifully powerful, brutally honest. A fantastic post.

I'm so sorry it's about such pain.

I got sober for THIS? Now what?

Not an uncommon place to be, that's for sure. Once the active work of recovery slows, purpose is sometimes elusive.

Therapy might help you get to the root of why you have such a hard time connecting. And sometimes a neutral third party, particularly one trained to help, is easier to tease apart some stuff that you really can't talk to a spouse about.

Isolation and loneliness is the enemy of sobriety, but it's also the enemy of a happy, purposeful life.

You sound like an amazing man that has a great deal to offer. Perhaps service to help others find the strength you found?

Berrybean

Hey. Glad you're back here and posting.

Have you considered some recovery work? The 12-step program in AA could help address a lot of us the areas of pain you've mentioned. Clearing the aftermath (wreckage of our past), getting out of the house, making friends who understand what you've been through and how you think and feel.

Another suggestion would be to just get out and about and involve your self in LIFE. Some volunteering perhaps or trying some new activities or hobbies. It's amazing what's out there when we start looking. Thing is, it does require action on our part. No one is excluding us from anything, but we can't wait for them to come knock on our door. And I find that if I have 3 or 4 evenings where I'm off out and about doing something (college course one evening, gym, meeting freinds, couple of AA meetings) then actually the time I have at home relaxing suddenly seems valuable rather than boring or empty.

BB

Prayin4Daylight

Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it and value everyone's thoughts and opinions. I have spoken with my wife about this over the past year or so, at least in bits and pieces, and my isolation (and resentment) is obvious and the cause of tension between us. But I have spared her the full, ugly thing. The last thing I want is to burden or worry her more than I already have, and it's up to me to find my purpose in this sober life. I know it's out there and I'm not in prison, or dead, which could have easily been where I wound up. Again, but for the grace of God, that's certainly where I would be. Besides keeping my job / profession - which also brings me zero joy but it's best for my family - I'm free to do what I want and make a difference in life. No one got me here except me, and no one is keeping me down except myself. Some of you suggested therapy and perhaps I need to consider it. I'm not able to think myself out of this, and how to be the best person I can be.

biminiblue

I'm glad you posted, Prayin4Daylight.

I would suggest praying on this first thing every morning. "God, direct my thoughts and my steps today. Give me the vision today of what you want me to do."

It will come. Maybe quickly, maybe slowly. Frustration is a thief, though. That much I have learned.

otter

Great post.

I struggle with the same obstacles in sobriety. All of my friends tend to gravitate towards happy hour and evening cocktails when meeting up and non-alcohol gatherings such as rock climbing, volleyball, golf etc. all tend to be followed up by the inevitable alcoholic beverage.

Wish I had an good answer for both my own and everyone else's sake who deals with this but I do not unfortunately.

The only advice I have to offer is to throw yourself out there and see what transpires. Volunteer work, social groups, part-time job, hobbies, hobby groups etc. Heck, you never know what's going to transpire from something so simple as a walk, hike, or joining a bowling league.

I'm single in my 40s but luckily (that's debatable at best) I'm kind of a loner who enjoys downtime. But it's not healthy to be alone too much.

You're not the only one in dealing with the isolation sobriety tends to bring along.

ScottFromWI

I would argue that not only can we not "think ourselves out" of things, many times its our thinking that actually puts us there in the first place ;-)

Having someone trained in mental health to listen and help guide you back out can be very helpful.

Stayingsassy

I think many people who are enjoying their sober lives still go out with drinkers to enjoy venues and parties, and keep friendships. this is inevitable for me I know. Literally everyone I know goes out to drinking related events, plus I have married into the music scene. I am just giving myself some time. I'm fearful of it still.

Maybe check in to the strength of your sobriety either with meetings or therapy and then try to socialize with your wife, especially when it involves going to see something interesting, going to support someone, or there's good food.

otter

I do occasionally attend events where alcohol is involved as long as I'm in the right mindset and know temptation isn't going to get the best of me. However, one things I came to realize since I quit drinking: I find drunk people insufferable.

To quote Alanis Morissette: "isn't it ironic, don't ya think?"

Life is crazy!