BrokenHearted11

First time posting, I just joined the site. So hello to all....

I am seeking advice and guidance from those dealing with an alcoholic spouse. I am mentally and physically exhausted and I don't know where else to turn. No one understand my situation.

My husband and I have been married almost 11 years. We dated for about a year before we got married and knew each other way back in Jr. High. He went into the military while we were engaged and spent 3 years active duty in the Army. He dealt with a lot of horrible situations in the military, suffering a Traumatic Brain Injury during his service.

After the military has been some of hardest times of our lives. Coming home he has let alcohol consume him. Alcohol is his sleep medicine, his anti-depressant, his friend. He has been through VA rehab twice, he does good for a while and then he slowly and secretly tries to go back to old habits, until I catch him and then the fight is on. He withdrawals money from our account hundreds of dollars at a time, with claims of no recollection of what he spent it all on. With his brain injury it is about 50/50 on whether or not he is telling the truth. I cut up his card, he goes to get a new one behind my back. We have a negative account balance several times. Many times they things he buys are impulsive purchases of things just for him. In an attempt to "fix" his mistake, he will take something and pawn it, then wonder why I am upset that he just spent twice as much to retrieve the item.

We have 3 children together, and our oldest son had a suicide attempt almost of month ago, due to bullying at school. During our week in the hospital, it was brought to our attention how much anxiety he has due to worrying about his dad, and it was also brought up that my husband had driven our children while drunk. Of course CPS became involved and he acted he was so irritated they were "bothering us" It was his fault, but he acted so put off, and I was dumbfounded.

I have a good job, and have busted my butt to try and make up for the financial issues he has got us into. I have sacrificed a lot of time away from the kids and I am either constantly worried about money or worried about what he is doing while I am not at home.

I am at a point I love him and I will always love him, but I love my kids more. I feel like I have to protect them more than I can continue to stand by their father. My fear is that if I proceed with a divorce, it is only a matter of time before he will drink himself to death.

My heart is shattered and I don't know what to do. Do I make this decision and move forward knowing it will likely cause a downward spiral of my husband, or do I continue to fight to try to get him to understand the pain he has caused?

Ken33xx

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I'd recommend speaking with a marriage counselor and/or therapist

BrokenHearted11

We've been. He won't continue to do the steps that are recommended by the therapist. We sought Marriage counseling after the second rehab stay.

fini

dear BrokenHearted,
please know that nothing you do or do not do causes your husband to spiral down or up.
this is important and i hope it makes your tough decision easier.

farther down in the forums you will find a Friends and Family section, and i encourage you to check it out and chat with folks there rather than polling total strangers on what to do.

best wishes to you.

StellaBlu

I am refraining from giving advice. But I will say that I've done some reading on traumatic brain injuries and this is a very difficult topic to understand since the brain is so complex and science has uncovered only a fraction of the complexity of the brain.
Has the VA or any other doctor advised you as to what his brain injury was, what the effects of it are and how to cope with it? My first thought is - how much of what he's doing is related to his brain injury and how much is related to something else? My second thought is how to get support from trained professionals as he a veteran.

I'm sorry for the difficulties and for your son. I'm hoping things will become more clear to you as to what your next move is.
Best regards.

Dropsie

BH,

I agree with checking out friends and family.

And that traumatic brain injury is really tough.

But as a parent, I think you need to do what is best for the children, and especially for his (your) son.

My daughter asked me to stop when she was about 13. I did not. Took another 7 years. I will regret it forever. What kind of mother was I?

I can tell you -- an addicted one. As is your husband.

So, do what you believe in your heart is best for your son -- it is what your husband would want if he was capable of making a real choice.

And whatever you do, you cannot be sure its the right choice, but if you make it from your heart, for your children, it will be the best you can do.

What that is, I cannot say as I don't walk in your shoes. But I do know that trying to save other people, even those we love, usually just results in destroying ourselves and doesn't help them.

I wish you strength in what ever you chose.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR and very sorry to hear about your struggles. Our friends and family forum is a great place to go as others have mentioned.

My personal line in the sand would be the kids. Whether his issues are a result of a brain injury or not, he's causing some major problems in their lives as a result of his actions. And if he is repeatedly unable to correct them, he needs to take the responsibilty of finding a solution - not you.

DontRemember

I'd separate finances. You say you make good money,but are always worried about it. Keep it separate from his and that will be the end of that worry. Take/deal with the rest as it comes.