calvinm16

Everything is monotonous. Days off come & go as if they didn't exist, days at work drag out and couldn't end sooner. Walked through, as if I don't exist. Constantly analyzing every situation, everything and everyone wanting to understand why, how or what. Taking a shower after a long workout wondering how I ended up in the shower, where'd my day go? I need to get on my computer and check my email, this job hasn't contacted me back. It's 10 PM I need to go to bed, I have work in the morning.

I just want this noise to stop, I want to just do anything to enjoy the moment here & now and shut my brain and unscrupulous ways of thinking up! I have tried talk therapy, I've tried going to groups, I've tried meditation, I've tried a healthy diet and a healthy balance of vitamins. I've tried getting new hobbies such as hiking, gaming, learning new skills. Nothing works, except for a bottle of poison with "beer" labeled on it.

Today is probably one of the toughest days in my sobriety so far. My AV is getting stronger every day, I'm scared and embarrassed of a relapse. I know I won't drink, but I feel like if I don't I'm going to be tortured for the rest of my life. And if I do drink I will be tortured again by the thoughts and psychological imbalance it caused me. Also I'd be letting down everyone here and any advice I've given anyone I regularly talk to would go out the window and just cause me further grief and self loathing..

I think the real problem is alcohol never caused me any loss of family, friends or anything really, except a brief crack in my sanity and logical thinking. I never sold stuff to pay off my addiction or anything. I never drank all day and or got in trouble for drinking. I did do some stupid things while drinking though.. Who hasn't my AV says.

Maybe my age, idk but I don't think I've hit a hard enough rock bottom to outweigh my AV and it seems every time I try to shut it up, it wins and only multiplies in strength. The dreams and massive impulse to drink is proving to be too much..

I seriously need some help but I'm at the end of the road! I have no idea where to go from here. It's a dead end.

Dropsie

Calvin,

I understand how you feel. Cant say I know how YOU feel, but we have all been there.

For me, I just accepted that I would not/could not drink, but that life was not going to be fun. And then it was fun.

I can remember the first time I realised that I was really happy and thought WOW, this is fantastic. Then it went away but then it came back etc etc. Not all the time, but often.

The net net for me is that I realised through trial and error that I was a compulsive drinker and that even one drink and it would all start over again, but worse, and faster, and then there would only be another day one, if I was up for that even. If not.....

So, then I stopped. Not because I was sure that sober was going to be great, but that I did not want to spend the rest of my life stopping drinking or worse. And I knew and emotionally accepted that drinking again would mean just that -- another day one if I was lucky.

It will be better. It will be the new normal. You will be happy.

But it takes time.

And every time you drink, that time it will take just gets longer.

Hang in there. I love your signature line, when you get low read it. Take a rest if you must but never turn back. Never drink. You can do this. And it will be great.

calvinm16

I sure hope I will feel better, it seems like the more time that passes the worse I feel. I had a burst of WOW I feel great after 30 days but it was mainly placebo just being excited I made it 30 days without drinking booze. I use my signature to remind me of where I was a few months back mentally.

The thing that affects me most in my reasoning for drinking again is I was never a blackout drinker or drinker to the point where I thought "I could've died" or woke up puking my brains out. I typically drank a 6 pack a night and was able to stick to that, but of course out with friends or at a bar I'd typically drink a lot.. Probably 10-12 beers. The fact I spent a couple years doing a 6 pack a night (which is still far more than healthy) makes me believe that I can just go back to no more than 6 drinks a day and I'll be fine. What a joke right?

Stayingsassy

Hey calvin. I know you're young and feeling some FOMO and I get it, but...

What is it that makes you believe that your answer lies in a bottle?

Out of all possible answers and solutions to the unease and dissatisfaction you feel, is it really alcohol that you need?

That's only one answer, and it's one that makes you feel hungover, sick and stuck in a bad cycle, so it's likely that's not the right one.

What if you drank now...and it worked so well that you never really got to figure out what your restless soul really wants?

calvinm16

That is a great question I wish I could answer. I'm not sure what about drinking makes me feel at peace and normal. I think it could be the GABA inhibitor portion of it, also the sedation slows down my racing mind. It's when I'm NOT drunk that I start feeling frantic, anxious and plain out "sick" kinda. I thought when I was feeling like this it was just because I was hungover or detoxing but 120+ days into sobriety I think honestly there is just something wrong with me psychologically.

I've yet to see a psychiatrist and 3 therapists haven't ever been able to help me. They just give advice on calming down instead of actually working towards figuring out what is truly wrong with me. When I was younger I had a really good doctor who always tried telling my mom I needed medication for ADD/Anxiety but she was extremely against any of that, so perhaps I have an anxiety disorder or a form of ADD. If I read bipolar disorder/add/anxiety disorder symptoms I match everything to a T. I'd of course leave that up to a professional doctor to decide but perhaps I've just got something wrong with me other than just normal stress or something missing in my life that I need to realize and accept, it's the not knowing that is driving me crazy.

I don't think "alcohol" is what I feel is missing in my life by any means, I just know that alcohol is the one thing that gave me a sense of quiet in my head or likely a false sense of peace.

God I'm messed up..

Stayingsassy

You're not messed up. You're just not hiding in a bottle any more. How is your support system? Are you close with your family? Do you have good friends?

I'm pretty introverted but I know people who are naturally extroverted and they are just deeply unhappy and anxious without a "tribe."

Are you near any natural spaces? The beach? The woods? Sometimes our human bodies just need to be immersed in nature.

How about pets? Do you have a dog? A cat? Animals can be very soothing and keep us company, too.

Your life needs something more. Something more than therapy. It's not booze. I'm pretty sure of that.

calvinm16

I'm quite an introvert myself although I do enjoy being extroverted for moderate periods of time. I live in the country so I have woods, trails etc that I can utilize and often do. I have my dog Rosko who definitely keeps me happy when I'm feeling grumpy he legitimately knows and will come lean up against me or bug me until I get up and move around.

I do have family I'm close with and they all know of my circumstances. My friends know about my circumstances as well but although we know each other in person we typically socialize on the computer lately due to how busy we all are. It's rare for me to find a day off where my friends also have a day off, so I do in fact spend most days just isolated in my office or room. lol

I've tried meeting new friends and getting involved in certain hobbies but they almost always lead to drinking or drugging no matter what it is.. Fishing, boating, archery, firearms (after lol) and also just indoor games like pool or whatever.

It's legitimately impossible to hangout with most friends or new people and not at some point have them offer me a beer or drink of some sort. This is why I kinda end up steering away from people because I'm worried eventually I'll just take them up on their offer and drink a beer. Or even drink alcohol on accident by picking up someone else's cup and yes I do think of stuff like this.

Look up The Bourne Identity scene "Why would I know that?". I related to that scene so much and when I was a kid I remember this scene and being like, "I think like that too". Imagine having that type of mental thought process at all times.

entropy1964

I can't say for sure Calvin but I believe your restless, irritable and discontented-ness (not a word) is due to a lack of acceptance. You/your AV are comparing yourself to others....I'm not as bad, as low etc. I completely relate. And its a horrid place to be because, yes, your addiction just loves this. It feeds on your reservations and eats away at you. I have been there.

I am quite sure my level of serenity is directly proportionate to my level of acceptance. Not just of my addiction, but of me, my life and everything around me. That everything IS just as it should be.

I'm a very willful person. That works for me, but mostly against me. I can't learn from the mistakes of others, I have to learn from my own. So I had to drink to the point where I am simply a menace to society. I'm dangerous...to myself and others. I have a nice home, 2 cars, a beautiful daughter, some resources, my health. I don't 'look' like an alcoholic (unless you catch me mid-bender and then its truly scary). But I realize that if I keep going I'll die, or kill someone. Then my daughter will have all my things. Anyway, I babble.

Don't know what it will take. Only you do. Its an inside job and all the outside fixins will do nothing to address it. I hope you find peace.

biminiblue

That racing brain and thoughts is also just part of early sobriety - at least it was for me.

At about six months I was still struggling with quieting my mind. As a kid I also had some behavior problems and inability to sit still, so like you I'm sure there is a little bit of something-something that is maybe different than others - but I decided (like Fricka) to accept myself as I am.

A "diagnosis" is usually done by an overly busy not-really-that-concerned shrink or doctor who doesn't have the whole story but who is more than happy to give me a pill for that. That's what they do. I don't want any more doctors throwing pills at me after talking to me for 30 minutes.

I stopped thinking of myself as defective or broken or in need of fixing.

I just am.

I've had plenty of friends and have been successful (enough) at jobs so I knew I wasn't crazy. Just healing.

At just about a year I suddenly realized my crazy-spinny brain had stopped its insistent chatter. It was odd. It was finally time for me to exhale.

It's so worth the wait. Keep doing the next right thing. Exercise, healthy food, spending some time thinking about getting well every day. Then just be patient. You're not broken. Humans are pretty varied.

It takes time.

ScottFromWI

As an anxiety sufferer I understand exactly where you are coming from Calvin. I saw a few different counselors too and finally found one that was able to help - and not by just giving me pills or magic techniques to "cure" my anxiety. I also believe that anxiety is something we have to just accept as part of us - and by that I don't mean we always have to feel anxious, that can be improved - but there is nothing inherently "wrong" with us. We are just different and react differently to things. The racing mind thing is pure anxiety, but it's very possible to learn to let it just race - and let the thoughts pass by.

If you are into reading books at all, check out 10% Happier by Dan Harris. It's a walk through his struggles with anxiety as a "regular person" and his exploration into all kinds of different techniques on how he learned to live with it. It's funny but also hits very close to home.

Another thing to keep in mind is that it simply takes time for your mind to heal/change. I would have to sat that it probably took at least 2 years after I quit for me to start getting a handle on things and for my mind to start thinking differnetly. Our mind literally learns new neural pathways to use when we start thinking differently - it can actually change the way it works, but it takes time. Our addiction makes us want instant gratification in all areas of life...but we need to re-learn that things simply take time to happen.

biminiblue

I would also add - stop going to Doctor Google.

If I were to read about any mental health issue I could probably remember a time when it would apply to me. Mental health comes and goes for all of us and no one is a bastion of clever and perfect mental health.

It's a process.

NYCDoglvr

I'm so sorry you're in this tough place that is so familiar. I went to AA, did 90/90, got a sponsor and did the steps. If I'd tried on my own, the AV would have overtaken me and I couldn't have stayed sober. It was the supportive fellowship of the program that carried me through these dismal times, people who were just like me, who understood.

I got there out of desperation. In a blackout I took about 60 pills (to this day I have no recollection why) and it became clear that if I drink I'll die. Fear has been a big motivator for me. I went because I had to and stayed because it worked.

A big hug.

Dropsie

What they said.

But I think it would be worthwhile to try and see somebody if you can find someone you like.

After my second child was born I got awful post partum depression combined with off the charts anxiety, and I remember the hell I went through especially with the anxiety. Really terrible experience.

So if you can find someone worth talking to I would.

But drinking only makes anxiety worse. Indeed the first time I stopped drinking was then just because I couldn't.

So, please don't drink over it. Like throwing gasoline on a fire. I know it does not seem like that to you at the moment, but trust me, it is.

Take care of yourself!

calvinm16

Thank you all for the responses and they definitely are all meaningful. I've still not drank nor do I really plan to. I think not only acceptance of being an alcoholic that medicates using alcohol to treat anxiety only makes me want to learn to accept anxiety as well.

Now that I think back on it, I was literally dosing and medicating using alcohol because I would wait until night (typically where my anxiety, stress and nerves are at their rawest peak) and then crack open the beers and never would I really chug them down, I'd slowly sip away at 6-12 beers slowly through the night depending if I had work the next day or not usually 6-8. I was legitimately medicating myself until i went to sleep.

It's funny because that's kinda what everyone is doing. Instead of getting high off life it's sometimes so much easier to just do nothing and get high off a substance. Chug some beers down and just stare at a grill with meat sizzling on it. Sit on my computer after already sitting on my computer for 8 hours and just drink down beers back to back until they're gone.

It's funny because the further the days go where I don't drink the funnier it is looking back on how I abused alcohol. Taking a few hours to just reflect on yourself inside and how your doing instead of worrying about everyone else really does do a lot.

calvinm16

I've been to multiple counselors and therapists and it NEVER helps me. I've given up it's too expensive and time consuming with zero results. I'm thinking kinda like everyone here, I think maybe the best thing is to stop trying to look for answers from someone else and find them in myself. I definitely agree the best way to do that is by being sober, not trying to escape these feelings and instead figure out what they are and be the master of them.

Interestingly enough my anxiety doesn't even kick in for reasons like other people. I don't get "anxious" like where I can't breathe from a very serious interview for a very high up position in a company. I don't get anxiety talking to girls. I don't get anxiety standing 10 feet from a 250 foot cliff. Most people experience anxiety in these situations, my case is completely rare. I just get huge waves of anxiety for almost literally no reason which makes it really hard for me to do any type of cognitive behavioral therapy or anything like that. I can't PINPOINT what causes it, it just happens and I just feel like utter crap when it comes. There isn't a way I can go in a large crowd if I get anxious in crowds of people or go talk to girls if I get nervous around them or whatever. I can't pin point where my anxiety stems from to where i can confront it..

It's definitely very annoying and I feel like I have someone repeating "are we there yet?" in my head when it happens. SHUUUT UP!! is what I think.