A long story of death's drink
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
A long story of death's drink
I just signed up for this site and became a member. It was a big step for me because I don't sign up for any site, ever. Lurking is what I always felt comfortable with.
I'm at the point in my life where beer cans line my halls, my nightstands, and my life. I'm aware of what is happening, but the true devil is how it hides when I'm sober. I feel good when the hangover disappears and I'm ready to do it again. I buy cheap beer and drink a 12 pack a night. I used to cower to 6 high-quality craft beers and now I just want to drink "high school beer" because it's cheaper in large amounts. I faced my greatest fear after years of binge drinking 8 months ago. I told the doctor and he tested things. For some strange reason, my body is completely okay. He told me to limit my booze, but that my liver is fine. To me, that was just an excuse to drink harder and I did. Now I'm waking up daily with a puffy face. I feel so terrible and I just keep feeling better with two cups of black coffee and two beers. I can handle large amounts before work and the truth is that I don't give a crap about tolerance. It's just because I feel like I'm not myself and something has taken the wheel. I feel I'm driving down a road andt he only exit is hell.
I don't believe in heavenly angels, but I do believe in random chance and my best friend is a recovered alcoholic of 5 years. He tells me I drink harder than anyone he's seen and that scares me. I used to never drink crappy beer and here, as I type this I'm downing "ice" beer. It's cheap and by the way, smoking sounded good too. I bought cigarettes. I have never had so much hate for something and yet keep it so close to me. I know I will die within 10 years if I keep up the current game. Life just doesn't have any interest to me without the dopamine rush of alcohol, but I think my biggest challenge is realizing that dopamine is released naturally without alcohol and alcohol is a hack.
I'm at the point in my life where beer cans line my halls, my nightstands, and my life. I'm aware of what is happening, but the true devil is how it hides when I'm sober. I feel good when the hangover disappears and I'm ready to do it again. I buy cheap beer and drink a 12 pack a night. I used to cower to 6 high-quality craft beers and now I just want to drink "high school beer" because it's cheaper in large amounts. I faced my greatest fear after years of binge drinking 8 months ago. I told the doctor and he tested things. For some strange reason, my body is completely okay. He told me to limit my booze, but that my liver is fine. To me, that was just an excuse to drink harder and I did. Now I'm waking up daily with a puffy face. I feel so terrible and I just keep feeling better with two cups of black coffee and two beers. I can handle large amounts before work and the truth is that I don't give a crap about tolerance. It's just because I feel like I'm not myself and something has taken the wheel. I feel I'm driving down a road andt he only exit is hell.
I don't believe in heavenly angels, but I do believe in random chance and my best friend is a recovered alcoholic of 5 years. He tells me I drink harder than anyone he's seen and that scares me. I used to never drink crappy beer and here, as I type this I'm downing "ice" beer. It's cheap and by the way, smoking sounded good too. I bought cigarettes. I have never had so much hate for something and yet keep it so close to me. I know I will die within 10 years if I keep up the current game. Life just doesn't have any interest to me without the dopamine rush of alcohol, but I think my biggest challenge is realizing that dopamine is released naturally without alcohol and alcohol is a hack.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Well, I don’t know much but what I do know is that you have to want to quit. The consequences of drinking outweighed the pleasure, so I quit.
Now that’s ive had a bit of sober time I’ll tell you, I never want to go back to the chains of it. Always wanting it, always suffering from some degree of withdrawal, the 3am horrors...it simply isnt worth it.
Try a 30 day commitment maybe? Chances are if you haven’t had enough consequences you will not stay sober, unfortunately. My last drunk keeps me on a sober path, that and knowing I can’t avoid that kind of pain with any amount of drinking.
Now that’s ive had a bit of sober time I’ll tell you, I never want to go back to the chains of it. Always wanting it, always suffering from some degree of withdrawal, the 3am horrors...it simply isnt worth it.
Try a 30 day commitment maybe? Chances are if you haven’t had enough consequences you will not stay sober, unfortunately. My last drunk keeps me on a sober path, that and knowing I can’t avoid that kind of pain with any amount of drinking.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Originally Posted by Runningblind 
I know I will die within 10 years if I keep up the current game.
I don't know what you want us to say. You seem far away from any desire to quit drinking.
But you did come here for a reason - you must know you have a problem.
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
When you stop drinking, life will be filled with all sorts of interest you cant even imagine now. Alcohol warps your thinking and narrows your viewpoint. How about admitting to your friend you have a problem and want to stop? Sounds like you might have a huge ally to help you. Are you willing to take what’s in front of you?
I drank hard for 25+ years. On Day 38 today and it’s so much better on the other side.
I drank hard for 25+ years. On Day 38 today and it’s so much better on the other side.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi runningblind - welcome 
I ended up a drinker like yourself. Drinking became my companion to everything.
Drinking until I got sick and then drinking again to either feel better, or to celebrate that I felt better.
My world shrank to my room and my TV.
It was pretty poor way to live really, especially when I knew I was capable of better.
I couldn't look myself in the face in the mirror by the end.
A good result from a physical 8 years ago doesn't give you life long immunity from the ravages of daily or nightly heavy drinking.
This condition is progressive. I was able to hide my drinking well for the first ten years - by the end of the next ten I was unemployed and unemployable and drinking all day.
I turned things around tho - it takes a willingness to change and a lot of effort but you can stop the runaway train any time you like
This place helped me turn my life around - I hope you'll stick around a while too.
D
I ended up a drinker like yourself. Drinking became my companion to everything.
Drinking until I got sick and then drinking again to either feel better, or to celebrate that I felt better.
My world shrank to my room and my TV.
It was pretty poor way to live really, especially when I knew I was capable of better.
I couldn't look myself in the face in the mirror by the end.
A good result from a physical 8 years ago doesn't give you life long immunity from the ravages of daily or nightly heavy drinking.
This condition is progressive. I was able to hide my drinking well for the first ten years - by the end of the next ten I was unemployed and unemployable and drinking all day.
I turned things around tho - it takes a willingness to change and a lot of effort but you can stop the runaway train any time you like
This place helped me turn my life around - I hope you'll stick around a while too.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 5
You know you will die in 10 years, but do you know how you will die. Ascites, varices, bleeding esophagus, distended stomach, liver failure, organ failure. I have known several people who have died from this. Their family members all say the end is not pretty. You probably don't care about that at this point but right now you can still make a choice. Do I want to poison my body until my organs fail and spend lots of money slowly killing myself. I decided that I didn't want to do that and haven't had a drink for 16 days. I have quit at least 4 times before, but this time I just don't have a desire to wreck my newfound health. Notice I didn't say sobriety. I said health. Drinking is just a symptom of other things that you are numbing yourself from. Find something that you want more than drinking and build on it. I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Doug39
I had the same outlook. After nearly 30 years of being drunk everyday I had given up on life. And yes my health began to suffer from the abuse. One year ago my mind, body and soul were bankrupt.
I don't know what you want us to say. You seem far away from any desire to quit drinking.
But you did come here for a reason - you must know you have a problem.
I don't know what you want us to say. You seem far away from any desire to quit drinking.
But you did come here for a reason - you must know you have a problem.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Running. Lots of good thoughts here already, the main one being that the alcohol is lying to you. It's definitely possible to live a better life without it, no matter what it's telling you now. Hope you can stick around.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
You've received excellent advice and histories of drinking. There's not much I can add, except my experience.
After thirty years of hard drinking, when at ten my liver function was off, I started drinking liquor more than I did in bars. And I drank a lot of shots of name your poison in bars. along with beer.
Believe me brother, it can get worse. Keep at it and it'll be cheap vodka in the morning and puking the first swallow down in the sink. Hands shaking so badly you have to hold the bottle with both hands. Until the next drink stays down.
Then the desperation drinking. Drinking to keep the withdrawals away until you reach some kind of never-never land between drunk and half alive.
This much I know because it was me. And it went on for ten years long after the comfortable drunk of cheap beer.
You will live a waking nightmare. Afraid to drink, afraid to stop. You will have no control. All your choices long since taken away.
Drink.
As pointed out so studiously and succinctly above and alcoholic's death is not pretty.
You may last another ten, twenty years. You may not. But I'll tell you one thing I know.
You will be living and wasting a precious life.
Best to you. And , yes, you can still recover. It's been almost seven years since I've had a drink. And the way your going at it was kid stuff compared to the way I was.
After thirty years of hard drinking, when at ten my liver function was off, I started drinking liquor more than I did in bars. And I drank a lot of shots of name your poison in bars. along with beer.
Believe me brother, it can get worse. Keep at it and it'll be cheap vodka in the morning and puking the first swallow down in the sink. Hands shaking so badly you have to hold the bottle with both hands. Until the next drink stays down.
Then the desperation drinking. Drinking to keep the withdrawals away until you reach some kind of never-never land between drunk and half alive.
This much I know because it was me. And it went on for ten years long after the comfortable drunk of cheap beer.
You will live a waking nightmare. Afraid to drink, afraid to stop. You will have no control. All your choices long since taken away.
Drink.
As pointed out so studiously and succinctly above and alcoholic's death is not pretty.
You may last another ten, twenty years. You may not. But I'll tell you one thing I know.
You will be living and wasting a precious life.
Best to you. And , yes, you can still recover. It's been almost seven years since I've had a drink. And the way your going at it was kid stuff compared to the way I was.
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Welcome.
Best move you ever made joining SR.
Great advice here already. Like all my fellow online alkies who can tell you its not going to get better but before it gets worse you have a choice. If yo want it. Like Scott said Alcohol lies, it wants you to feel and feed it, its the AV in your head or on your shoulder.
What ever your stage of alcoholism, 5 years, 10, 20 or 30 years the fact is your an alcoholic. So you cant drink. So time for change.
Join some threads, read and post and get all the help you can (your best friend is probably a good bet )
V.
Best move you ever made joining SR.
Great advice here already. Like all my fellow online alkies who can tell you its not going to get better but before it gets worse you have a choice. If yo want it. Like Scott said Alcohol lies, it wants you to feel and feed it, its the AV in your head or on your shoulder.
What ever your stage of alcoholism, 5 years, 10, 20 or 30 years the fact is your an alcoholic. So you cant drink. So time for change.
Join some threads, read and post and get all the help you can (your best friend is probably a good bet
)V.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
It won't be long until those minor puffy face symptoms and other stuff really starts to shine. Your liver can fail quite abruptly and without notice. I had the same experience, my liver enzymes and urinalysis was all good. I thought the same thing, jokes on me 5-6 months later after drinking even heaver I had VERY elevated liver enzymes on my next blood draw, high cholesterol and my blood pressure was sky rocketing. The amount of damage Ethenol can do is incredible in short periods of time. It sounds like you'd rather not die and or live a miserable painful rest of your life. I'd take the route many of us have and just throw out all of it and quit. The can doesn't control you, you make the choice to pick it up and swallow.
You can do this and we're here to support you through it. I wish you well.
You can do this and we're here to support you through it. I wish you well.
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