Why is my alcoholic ex so cold to me
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 5
Why is my alcoholic ex so cold to me
Hey everyone,
I recently found out my recent ex Bf is an alcholic. I knew he had issues with drinking but it wasn't until I sat down and told my therapist, a psychiatrist and friend who runs AA, did they tell me he has a serious issue! I guess I always covered or use the excuse he was 28, but I just found out that it was a serious problem.
We started having issues in the end about his drinking, he would get very mean and disrespect started name calling. There was this music festival coming up, and I told him I was uncomfortable going with him because he had been drinking a lot and has been getting really mean when he drinks.
He told me if I tried to have fun, it would be fine. He took 2 extra days off work to go and he would be hammered drunk for 4 straight days.
We went and as expected he was very drunk and got very mean and we got into a huge fight. He even left me in the middle of the festival by myself.
We worked it out and the next day I told him I needed a break. I told him he is too mean when he drinks. I told him pick me or the drinking. He said he did not want the break or to break up, but agreed I needed a break.
4 days into the break he breaks up with me via Facebook, I call him frantically. We have an 8 min conversation where he tells me I'm controlling, he loves me but doesn't want me and we would meet later to talk. The last thing he said to me was "we'll talk tonight I have to go now, work is the only thing I have left now"
He rejected my call and we never spoke again.
I have called, sent a mancrate as an I'm sorry gift, a birthday card, a video letter with snacks, talked to his family... I've borderline crossed the line but have gotten no response.
When I told my story and the details of his drinking until that point, it's clear he has a huge problem with alcohol.
Did he choose it over me? Is he mad because I threatened his drinking?
We were together 2 years, he was so sweet sober, planned on kids, marriage, he never wanted to be away from me...(unless he was drinking)
I do not understand why he is so cold? How can he cut me out?
Will I ever hear from him again?
Did he choose it over me?
I recently found out my recent ex Bf is an alcholic. I knew he had issues with drinking but it wasn't until I sat down and told my therapist, a psychiatrist and friend who runs AA, did they tell me he has a serious issue! I guess I always covered or use the excuse he was 28, but I just found out that it was a serious problem.
We started having issues in the end about his drinking, he would get very mean and disrespect started name calling. There was this music festival coming up, and I told him I was uncomfortable going with him because he had been drinking a lot and has been getting really mean when he drinks.
He told me if I tried to have fun, it would be fine. He took 2 extra days off work to go and he would be hammered drunk for 4 straight days.
We went and as expected he was very drunk and got very mean and we got into a huge fight. He even left me in the middle of the festival by myself.
We worked it out and the next day I told him I needed a break. I told him he is too mean when he drinks. I told him pick me or the drinking. He said he did not want the break or to break up, but agreed I needed a break.
4 days into the break he breaks up with me via Facebook, I call him frantically. We have an 8 min conversation where he tells me I'm controlling, he loves me but doesn't want me and we would meet later to talk. The last thing he said to me was "we'll talk tonight I have to go now, work is the only thing I have left now"
He rejected my call and we never spoke again.
I have called, sent a mancrate as an I'm sorry gift, a birthday card, a video letter with snacks, talked to his family... I've borderline crossed the line but have gotten no response.
When I told my story and the details of his drinking until that point, it's clear he has a huge problem with alcohol.
Did he choose it over me? Is he mad because I threatened his drinking?
We were together 2 years, he was so sweet sober, planned on kids, marriage, he never wanted to be away from me...(unless he was drinking)
I do not understand why he is so cold? How can he cut me out?
Will I ever hear from him again?
Did he choose it over me?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Slouching toward Bethlehem
Posts: 94
I'm sorry you're going through this Emmy. I've obviously got no way to read his mind, but it's not uncommon for someone in alcoholic denial to feel a pretty intense combination of fear and anger when their denial is threatened.
Certainly I've been there myself. I'm not equipped to recommend a course of action from the standpoint of the loved one of someone suffering from this disease, but you might get some useful perspective over on the "Friends and Family" subgroup. For what it's worth, sounds to me like you did nothing wrong at all. Best wishes.
Certainly I've been there myself. I'm not equipped to recommend a course of action from the standpoint of the loved one of someone suffering from this disease, but you might get some useful perspective over on the "Friends and Family" subgroup. For what it's worth, sounds to me like you did nothing wrong at all. Best wishes.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Emmy. I see you started the same thread over in Friends and Family, which is a great place to start. You'll find a lot of good information here too.
There is no answer to "why" addicts to a lot of the things they do unfortunately. For the most part they are the way they are because addiction is selfish, and active addicts do actually chose their drug of choice over friends, family, even spouses. It's a pretty sad concept, but it's reality for some.
It's hard to say what might happen down the road. It's certainly possible that he will decide to seek help and get better, but at this point it sounds like he's not there yet. And unfortunately there's really not much you ( or anyone ) can do to change his mind...he will have to make the decision for himself. I'm glad you've come here, you'll find a lot of people in friends and family that have been in the same situation as you, and you can learn how to take care of yourself moving forward.
There is no answer to "why" addicts to a lot of the things they do unfortunately. For the most part they are the way they are because addiction is selfish, and active addicts do actually chose their drug of choice over friends, family, even spouses. It's a pretty sad concept, but it's reality for some.
It's hard to say what might happen down the road. It's certainly possible that he will decide to seek help and get better, but at this point it sounds like he's not there yet. And unfortunately there's really not much you ( or anyone ) can do to change his mind...he will have to make the decision for himself. I'm glad you've come here, you'll find a lot of people in friends and family that have been in the same situation as you, and you can learn how to take care of yourself moving forward.
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Join Date: May 2012
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During active alcoholism, the booze always comes first, second,..literally everything else in live is well far behind in importance.
Given the "me or the booze" ultimatum, the alcoholic almost always chooses the booze.
Breaking up now is the best thing for you and luckily you're not at the point where marriage or kids come into play as that's when it gets really messy.
Given the "me or the booze" ultimatum, the alcoholic almost always chooses the booze.
Breaking up now is the best thing for you and luckily you're not at the point where marriage or kids come into play as that's when it gets really messy.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Sorry for your situation. I have no idea what your exbf is thinking or doing. So my experience is just that my experience. When I was drinking and heavy in my disease. My gf gave me the me or the booze ultimatum after a night of drinking. I moved out in less than two hours. Only reason so fast was because I had to get to the bar to meet friends to start drinking again. My now exgf tried to get me back and I ignored all her requests. A year later she met the man of her life and is living the life she wanted.
A couple years later, I got sober met the woman of my dreams but she was uncomfortable with me not drinking at her company gatherings. So, I thought I could manage it this time. Four years later, she gives me the ultimatum and I kicked her out of my house immediately. I knew I wasn't stopping yet. About a year later she met someone and is very happy too.
As cold hearted as this will sound, count your blessings he has cut you off. Move on as hard as it will be. You will be fine and you'll meet someone that is special for you and to you.
A couple years later, I got sober met the woman of my dreams but she was uncomfortable with me not drinking at her company gatherings. So, I thought I could manage it this time. Four years later, she gives me the ultimatum and I kicked her out of my house immediately. I knew I wasn't stopping yet. About a year later she met someone and is very happy too.
As cold hearted as this will sound, count your blessings he has cut you off. Move on as hard as it will be. You will be fine and you'll meet someone that is special for you and to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 48
I'm really sorry for you, it's tough living with an alcoholic, especially one you love.
Trouble is, nobody and nothing will get in between an alcoholic and his booze.
So not matter how much you agonize over this, there is precious little you can do, he has to want to change, so in many ways you have been 'let off the hook' so to speak, before things might get really ugly.
Now, I don't want to sound cruel, but reading your post, you seem to almost be trying too hard. I'm no expert but having read enough on this and other forums, you seem to be exhibiting classic dependency traits.
Thats going to mess you up if you don't get help with that. The alcoholic is messed up and needs to fix him/herself, but you need to take care of yourself too, or that dependency id going to drag you right down with him
Trouble is, nobody and nothing will get in between an alcoholic and his booze.
So not matter how much you agonize over this, there is precious little you can do, he has to want to change, so in many ways you have been 'let off the hook' so to speak, before things might get really ugly.
Now, I don't want to sound cruel, but reading your post, you seem to almost be trying too hard. I'm no expert but having read enough on this and other forums, you seem to be exhibiting classic dependency traits.
Thats going to mess you up if you don't get help with that. The alcoholic is messed up and needs to fix him/herself, but you need to take care of yourself too, or that dependency id going to drag you right down with him
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Done4today;6610904]My gf gave me the me or the booze ultimatum after a night of drinking. I moved out in less than two hours. Only reason so fast was because I had to get to the bar to meet friends to start drinking again. My now exgf tried to get me back and I ignored all her requests. A year later she met the man of her life and is living the life she wanted.
.[/QUOTE]
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
May I ask did you ever regret leaving, or sad/miss them?
Mine's been pretty cold, we never had an actual "talk" I have his keys, he has some of my stuff. He did try to add my sister later on social media, even though they never liked each other.
My therapist said to think about it as "Sober" him and "Drunk". Sober him was disappearing and is gone now. and drunk him has him tied up in the back of the car and is now calling the shots, and drunk him does NOT like me. Is that accurate you'd say of when addiction takes over?
I guess I'm trying to find peace that it isnt my fault. I wish I could reach him and help him. I just pray for him :/
.[/QUOTE]
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
May I ask did you ever regret leaving, or sad/miss them?
Mine's been pretty cold, we never had an actual "talk" I have his keys, he has some of my stuff. He did try to add my sister later on social media, even though they never liked each other.
My therapist said to think about it as "Sober" him and "Drunk". Sober him was disappearing and is gone now. and drunk him has him tied up in the back of the car and is now calling the shots, and drunk him does NOT like me. Is that accurate you'd say of when addiction takes over?
I guess I'm trying to find peace that it isnt my fault. I wish I could reach him and help him. I just pray for him :/
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I don't know how much experience your therapist has with addiction issues, Emmy, but I've found it's better NOT to think of someone in active addiction as two separate people. It's too easy to get sucked in by the Dr. Jekyll fantasy only to have Mr. Hyde tear it all apart.
But you're spot on that it ISN'T your fault, and I promise that one day you will know that he was never drinking AT you. As hard as it is to hear, his addiction has nothing to do with you or your relationship, and his addiction is running the show.
But you're spot on that it ISN'T your fault, and I promise that one day you will know that he was never drinking AT you. As hard as it is to hear, his addiction has nothing to do with you or your relationship, and his addiction is running the show.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
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When I was drinking, I was bitter and angry at them for what they did to me. I didn't miss them while I was still drinking. I used the break up as a perfect reason to drink. In my mind I was the perfect BF and I was entitled to act like a drunken fool. During my brief sober moments I would miss them but then I would remember that didn't help my drinking. I didn't see the situation as it was but from a view point of a victim. Today I know that they didn't deserve the poor treatment they received from me while I was drinking. I've made my peace with them and pray for them often.
Another point I would like to make, you said something about him choosing booze over you. An alcoholic doesn't have a choice between booze and anything else. Booze is first everything else is secondary. Everything else is secondary.
Another point I would like to make, you said something about him choosing booze over you. An alcoholic doesn't have a choice between booze and anything else. Booze is first everything else is secondary. Everything else is secondary.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Originally Posted by Done4today 
When I was drinking, I was bitter and angry at them for what they did to me. I didn't miss them while I was still drinking. I used the break up as a perfect reason to drink. In my mind I was the perfect BF and I was entitled to act like a drunken fool. During my brief sober moments I would miss them but then I would remember that didn't help my drinking. I didn't see the situation as it was but from a view point of a victim. Today I know that they didn't deserve the poor treatment they received from me while I was drinking. I've made my peace with them and pray for them often.
Another point I would like to make, you said something about him choosing booze over you. An alcoholic doesn't have a choice between booze and anything else. Booze is first everything else is secondary. Everything else is secondary.
Another point I would like to make, you said something about him choosing booze over you. An alcoholic doesn't have a choice between booze and anything else. Booze is first everything else is secondary. Everything else is secondary.
Thank you so much for sharing!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Hi Emmy,
Hope you've had some solace from the posts above. I would definitely recommend a trip to the friends and families groups.
Why is your ex so cold to you? Let me quickly share my own recent experience. I recently started dating someone who seemed interesting and nice if a little full on and needy. It transpired fairly quickly they drank too heavily and used cocaine. I sat back, tried not to judge and asked myself some hard questions about wether this was an appropriate relationship for me as a recovering alcoholic. I raised some of these doubts and was told very clearly that she wanted to give it time and see if it could work.
I never asked this lady to quit drinking but after a few months and some dramatic incidences in her life she started going to AA...she'd asked me about it many times and I had talked openly...not judged or got over involved but been supportive.
After being sober for two weeks...she very suddenly and abruptly told me she couldn't be in a relationship. She went from texting and calling many times a day to being very cold and distant.
This kind of hurt. ..I absolutely respected the decision that she needed to be on her own...early sobriety involved a lot of changes for me and it was much easier for me to concentrate on those because I was single. It still felt like an unfair rejection though. The shift from someone who wanted to be very close to me and seemed to need me a lot, to someone who suddenly didn't want to talk to me at all...that is what I realise hurt the most. A week or two before I had been ready to walk away myself, suddenly I was hurt and feeling vulnerable.
I think this is what the folks in friends and families groups often learn about their own part in relationships with the alcoholic. There's something very flattering, comforting and rewarding about being needed. I will admit I am still prone to falling for it...and falling into a relationship with an alcoholic. ..although it's often uncomfortable there are plenty of times when we experience the flattery of being needed. It's as much of a drug to some folk as alcohol is to the alcoholic. Having it removed suddenly is painful...you might even say there is a withdrawal process
Will I ever know why she finished things so abruptly? Was it genuinely a need to stand on her own two feet and work on recovery? Was she cutting ties to line up reasons for her next drink? Did something in her brain just change and leave her feeling differently towards me? Did part of her pick up on and become uncomfortable with my own need to be needed...perceiving that as Controlling and unhealthy?
I might never know. One thing I do know and continue to learn though is that I need to be entirely comfortable with myself before I can form and maintain healthy relationships with others. The partnership I want in life is an equal one...two healthy people that add to each others lives instead of needing each other or needing to be needed. Two broken halves don't make a whole and in that respect this really wouldn't have been the greatest relationship for me...harsh as it seemed I maybe should have walked away a while before.
I know I can manage just fine on my own. I know I don't need anyone else to be happy. I'd still like to find someone to share that happiness with...I guess if I keep working on me I have a better chance of being in the right place when it happens! If not then I still get the benefit of being a healthy *single* individual, happy in my own skin and not looking outside myself for another person to fix something that in truth can't be fixed by another human being.
Best wishes going out to you...absolutely remember you did nothing wrong here, you have no apologies to make and there's nothing you can put right. Painful as it is I guess this is just one of life's lessons to be learnt...learn it well and you come out the other side stronger and a more complete human being
P
Hope you've had some solace from the posts above. I would definitely recommend a trip to the friends and families groups.
Why is your ex so cold to you? Let me quickly share my own recent experience. I recently started dating someone who seemed interesting and nice if a little full on and needy. It transpired fairly quickly they drank too heavily and used cocaine. I sat back, tried not to judge and asked myself some hard questions about wether this was an appropriate relationship for me as a recovering alcoholic. I raised some of these doubts and was told very clearly that she wanted to give it time and see if it could work.
I never asked this lady to quit drinking but after a few months and some dramatic incidences in her life she started going to AA...she'd asked me about it many times and I had talked openly...not judged or got over involved but been supportive.
After being sober for two weeks...she very suddenly and abruptly told me she couldn't be in a relationship. She went from texting and calling many times a day to being very cold and distant.
This kind of hurt. ..I absolutely respected the decision that she needed to be on her own...early sobriety involved a lot of changes for me and it was much easier for me to concentrate on those because I was single. It still felt like an unfair rejection though. The shift from someone who wanted to be very close to me and seemed to need me a lot, to someone who suddenly didn't want to talk to me at all...that is what I realise hurt the most. A week or two before I had been ready to walk away myself, suddenly I was hurt and feeling vulnerable.
I think this is what the folks in friends and families groups often learn about their own part in relationships with the alcoholic. There's something very flattering, comforting and rewarding about being needed. I will admit I am still prone to falling for it...and falling into a relationship with an alcoholic. ..although it's often uncomfortable there are plenty of times when we experience the flattery of being needed. It's as much of a drug to some folk as alcohol is to the alcoholic. Having it removed suddenly is painful...you might even say there is a withdrawal process
Will I ever know why she finished things so abruptly? Was it genuinely a need to stand on her own two feet and work on recovery? Was she cutting ties to line up reasons for her next drink? Did something in her brain just change and leave her feeling differently towards me? Did part of her pick up on and become uncomfortable with my own need to be needed...perceiving that as Controlling and unhealthy?
I might never know. One thing I do know and continue to learn though is that I need to be entirely comfortable with myself before I can form and maintain healthy relationships with others. The partnership I want in life is an equal one...two healthy people that add to each others lives instead of needing each other or needing to be needed. Two broken halves don't make a whole and in that respect this really wouldn't have been the greatest relationship for me...harsh as it seemed I maybe should have walked away a while before.
I know I can manage just fine on my own. I know I don't need anyone else to be happy. I'd still like to find someone to share that happiness with...I guess if I keep working on me I have a better chance of being in the right place when it happens! If not then I still get the benefit of being a healthy *single* individual, happy in my own skin and not looking outside myself for another person to fix something that in truth can't be fixed by another human being.
Best wishes going out to you...absolutely remember you did nothing wrong here, you have no apologies to make and there's nothing you can put right. Painful as it is I guess this is just one of life's lessons to be learnt...learn it well and you come out the other side stronger and a more complete human being
P
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