Input needed! Bf is using..
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Northern Calif.
Posts: 5
Input needed! Bf is using..
l
{Long post, need to vent, thanks for "listening!"**
Hi again. Some of you may have read my post about "repeat relapse, pink cloud." Well, I didn't drink (primarily because I was going to see my therapist that afternoon and didn't want to disappoint her!) But hey, whatever works! As I caught up with her on what led me into the hospital, etc., the craving I had been experiencing seemed to melt away in light of the truth.
However, tonight my live-in boyfriend did something that he knows really pushes my buttons! He called at 1:00, says he will be home by about 2:30, but is a no-call, no-show til 7:30 tonight!! First I wonder, then I worry, then I get furious! He insists that his job is so busy, so intense, that he can't call. I timed it, it's less than 10 seconds to call or text "Hey I'm slammed, I'll call you as soon as I can." That's all I ask!! And we argued about it when he did it as week ago!!! He apologizes, but I told him then that "sorry doesn't mean much when you keep repeating the behavior!" It's disrespectful, hurtful, and passive-aggressive. I never "blow up his phone," I'm not checking up on him or accusing him of anything. It's just that when he says he'll be here at a certain time (which, to be fair, he does about 70% of the time) and he's not, I think the worst.
So when he finally got home, we argued in circles til I said "no more! Return to your corners & wait for the bell!" But I was so upset, I called my bff who lives near me & she said come right over. Speaking with her and her husband - who had heard about it last week! - other things came up that made us all worry about him using meth again. This was not the only example of him blowing me off, but the most recent.
She offered me a kit that tests for 10 different drugs (mother of 4 teenagers!! :o). It didn't take me a minute to jump up & bring it to my house. I told him what I had observed, what our friends were concerned about, and drew a line in the sand: You need to give a UA. Right. Now.
He denied it, got defensive, indignant, blaming me, blaming them for intruding, etc. Said he'd just gone, couldn't go again. Then it was all BS and that I should TRUST him, not TEST him (ha! I just made that up, but it's what he said! : ). Deny, deny, deny. Well, I'm an addict too, and I know that's just what we DO! I told him, "if you refuse to take it, that will be my answer." I had told my friend I would have him leave immediately, at least for the night.
At last the truth came out: Yes, he hasn't been sleeping; yes, he's been on the computer all night; yes, he has a physically demanding job... He was so self-righteous, tried to turn it around on me, but I kept steering him to the task at hand - UA or no UA??! He finally admitted he had done coke - not meth! - today, "cuz he was so tired." Just once, a pick-me-up." Yeah, right.
I really don't know what to do at this moment. His using meth again has always been a deal-breaker (although he brought up MY repeat relapses on alcohol and "all that he'd been through" because of me).
On the other hand, he pays 1/3 of the rent & utilities, we just got a new roommate with an entry-level job and if he left our roommate could not pay half, and above all that I still love him! What's the cut-off, what's the bottom line when you're both 'wounded warriors' in the fight?! *sigh.....* We had to return to our corners, metaphorically, because we were talking in circles.
He threatened to leave, I threatened to kick him out, we said some hurtful things, he said he doesn't think we can get through this, the lack of trust was just too great Right now I feel paralyzed, cant move forward or back, maybe waiting on him to make the decision?
'Auntie Opra' used to say, "When in doubt, don't." I think that's good advice for now. I feel a lot calmer, and God has brought me through till now. Excuse me, I gotta go pray..... ; )
Thanks for being here.
Hugs, Melanie
"Listening does not mean
waiting for your turn to speak!"
Eric Ravenscraft
[/COLOR] [/COLOR]
{Long post, need to vent, thanks for "listening!"**
Hi again. Some of you may have read my post about "repeat relapse, pink cloud." Well, I didn't drink (primarily because I was going to see my therapist that afternoon and didn't want to disappoint her!) But hey, whatever works! As I caught up with her on what led me into the hospital, etc., the craving I had been experiencing seemed to melt away in light of the truth.
However, tonight my live-in boyfriend did something that he knows really pushes my buttons! He called at 1:00, says he will be home by about 2:30, but is a no-call, no-show til 7:30 tonight!! First I wonder, then I worry, then I get furious! He insists that his job is so busy, so intense, that he can't call. I timed it, it's less than 10 seconds to call or text "Hey I'm slammed, I'll call you as soon as I can." That's all I ask!! And we argued about it when he did it as week ago!!! He apologizes, but I told him then that "sorry doesn't mean much when you keep repeating the behavior!" It's disrespectful, hurtful, and passive-aggressive. I never "blow up his phone," I'm not checking up on him or accusing him of anything. It's just that when he says he'll be here at a certain time (which, to be fair, he does about 70% of the time) and he's not, I think the worst.
So when he finally got home, we argued in circles til I said "no more! Return to your corners & wait for the bell!" But I was so upset, I called my bff who lives near me & she said come right over. Speaking with her and her husband - who had heard about it last week! - other things came up that made us all worry about him using meth again. This was not the only example of him blowing me off, but the most recent.
She offered me a kit that tests for 10 different drugs (mother of 4 teenagers!! :o). It didn't take me a minute to jump up & bring it to my house. I told him what I had observed, what our friends were concerned about, and drew a line in the sand: You need to give a UA. Right. Now.
He denied it, got defensive, indignant, blaming me, blaming them for intruding, etc. Said he'd just gone, couldn't go again. Then it was all BS and that I should TRUST him, not TEST him (ha! I just made that up, but it's what he said! : ). Deny, deny, deny. Well, I'm an addict too, and I know that's just what we DO! I told him, "if you refuse to take it, that will be my answer." I had told my friend I would have him leave immediately, at least for the night.
At last the truth came out: Yes, he hasn't been sleeping; yes, he's been on the computer all night; yes, he has a physically demanding job... He was so self-righteous, tried to turn it around on me, but I kept steering him to the task at hand - UA or no UA??! He finally admitted he had done coke - not meth! - today, "cuz he was so tired." Just once, a pick-me-up." Yeah, right.
I really don't know what to do at this moment. His using meth again has always been a deal-breaker (although he brought up MY repeat relapses on alcohol and "all that he'd been through" because of me).
On the other hand, he pays 1/3 of the rent & utilities, we just got a new roommate with an entry-level job and if he left our roommate could not pay half, and above all that I still love him! What's the cut-off, what's the bottom line when you're both 'wounded warriors' in the fight?! *sigh.....* We had to return to our corners, metaphorically, because we were talking in circles.
He threatened to leave, I threatened to kick him out, we said some hurtful things, he said he doesn't think we can get through this, the lack of trust was just too great Right now I feel paralyzed, cant move forward or back, maybe waiting on him to make the decision?
'Auntie Opra' used to say, "When in doubt, don't." I think that's good advice for now. I feel a lot calmer, and God has brought me through till now. Excuse me, I gotta go pray..... ; )
Thanks for being here.
Hugs, Melanie
"Listening does not mean
waiting for your turn to speak!"
Eric Ravenscraft
[/COLOR] [/COLOR]
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Noone can really answer these questions for you. They are what I would hope that I would ask myself if I was in doubt about a relationship.
Do you think you are good for each other? Or was your relationship based mainly on who you (both) were and what you (both) wanted when you were respectively drinking and using?
Is this a happy, healthy, respectful and loving relationship?
Do you trust him? (Aside from him playing the self-pitying trust card despite breaching said trust - isn't this what the friends and family lot would call smoke screening??)
If your staying with him is based on fear (financial security or of being alone) I would suggest that fear is a rubbish reason to do anything. The opposite to fear is faith.
I think the praying is a very good idea. Perhaps for now it needs to be a case of "don't just do something, stand there.'"
Above all, don't drink on it.
BB
Do you think you are good for each other? Or was your relationship based mainly on who you (both) were and what you (both) wanted when you were respectively drinking and using?
Is this a happy, healthy, respectful and loving relationship?
Do you trust him? (Aside from him playing the self-pitying trust card despite breaching said trust - isn't this what the friends and family lot would call smoke screening??)
If your staying with him is based on fear (financial security or of being alone) I would suggest that fear is a rubbish reason to do anything. The opposite to fear is faith.
I think the praying is a very good idea. Perhaps for now it needs to be a case of "don't just do something, stand there.'"
Above all, don't drink on it.
BB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I have to echo what Berry said. Sometimes we can love someone with all of our heart but for whatever reason the relationship becomes poisoned or toxic and is no longer good for us. It doesn't mean what we're bad people, it just means that being engaged with each other isn't healthy for us at a given point in time. Loving someone deeply can sometimes be very unhealthy for us if it causes us to stay where we should not be. Prayers for you.
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