Pathwaytofree

I'm in AA and trying to work on steps 10 & 11. One of the gifts of my step work was self-awareness, although some days it feels more like a curse than a gift.

I notice more how I behave, what I say, and all that. And some days I feel like an adolescent with poor social skills. It's frustrating. This is partly why I drank in the first place.

I keep saying things without thinking, and they're sometimes hurtful things I don't mean. I interrupt people because I'm anxious. I don't have social graces. I talk too much because I'm anxious. I try too hard.

I'm trying to not beat myself up over these things or go into shame or self-pity because I know those are character defects and would make me not be useful to others. But I don't know how to fix what I am now allowing myself to be aware of.

And all of this just makes me want to crawl under a rock and not deal with people or adult stuff that everyone else seems to have figured out along the way.

sugarbear1

Maybe work the steps again (4 through 7) and maybe you can gain more self esteem, know you are just as valuable as the next person and know that what others think of you is none of your business. It helps to take away the self-centeredness. Focus on helping the next suffering alcoholic or just work the principles into the fabric of your life. Amazing what happens when we work those steps with all the earnestness we can muster!

We can become more and more aware of our habits of behaving, but once we get to that step 6 and through 7, those character defects that stop us from having a relationship with a power greater than us will leave us, but we must change our habits of behaving.

Rely more on your higher power, ask that you do their will, not yours. Maybe become less self-centered and more other-centered.

When the focus isn't on us, we do quite well. Go help a newcomer!

Pathwaytofree

Thanks for your reply, sugarbear. I asked a few women to work the steps with me again, but they don't seem to want to. Maybe it's because I haven't actually relapsed? Or maybe they just like to help newcomers?

What do you mean by "work the principles into the fabric of your life"?

I do find that when I work with a newcomer, I feel better. But newcomers seem to come and go.

How do I change my habits of behaving? How do I apply this to steps 6 and 7? Should I be looking for the opposite of the character defect?

I agree! Maybe instead of turning the magnifying glass onto myself I should go out and help others.

nez

Don't be to harsh on yourself. Progress not perfection.

Absolutely every single thing that I have done in my life has been in preparation for this exact moment. What am I going to take with me going forward and am I going to use it in a positive manner?

sugarbear1

Hun, keep asking someone to sponsor you. A good sponsor can answer those questions for you.

My sponsor is male and we set down all rules before we started working together. It's worked for over 6 years now!

Pathwaytofree

Thanks for saying that. :-)

That is a great, factual way to look at things. Thank you!

doggonecarl

I sounds like your awareness is awakening, yet not fully activated. Awareness is not just about observing. It's about observing and reacting. As your awareness grows, you should start recognizing that you are about to speak without thinking. That will allow you to pause, gather your thoughts, and speak. If you notice yourself interrupting, you need pull back, refrain from interrupting, or at the least, recognize you did and apologize. If you are aware you are talking to much, you stop.

Caramel

Pathwaytofree - your is one of the many threads on here that help others beside yourself. Thanks for your opening post
doggonecarl - thank you for putting into simple words something I needed to realise and action.

Dave42001

Home Run!

Gottalife

I think you are on the right track with 10,11 and 12. They incorporate all the principles of the earlier steps, and are suggested as the AA 24 hour plan for successful living.

Having taken the steps and had a spiritual awakening as the result, I try to remember from appendix 2 that this is a personality change sufficient to overcome alcoholism and that is all. It does not suggest we will become instantly grown up, model citizens, fonts of wisdom or anything else.

These qualities will be have to be acquired over time through experience mostly gained from making mistakes. Hence steps ten and eleven provide a mechanism for growing through our mistakes, which is exactly what you seem to be doing. Recognizing a problem, asking what corrective measure should be taken, taking them, and getting on with the next new day, a little wiser for the experience.

I understand this is a tough patch for you. It is for all of us. Almost disappointing to discover that God has not removed all our defects. But if you have a look you will probably see some have gone and some have been down graded. And we may be left with a few. Why? Well, I believe I was left with a few because I still had lessons to learn. Practicing a defect over and over becomes increasing painful, then futile, then it becomes redundant.

Bill W used a quote " pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth" this is true in my experience. I learn almost nothing without a bit of pain to prompt me. And when it passes, which it always does, I am sure you will be able to look back and see how you have grown.

surferdoc

I'm a socially awkward guy. Accept that, try to do your best, and live with who you are. Acceptance. Humility. You need to be yourself because everyone else is taken!

NYCDoglvr

In early sobriety someone said "to get self-esteem you must take esteemable actions". Try to remind yourself you're simply human, much more like other people than different. Everyone is insecure or unsure sometimes. The difference is we'll drink over that stuff. As a sponsor pointed out, "there are good days and there are learning days." Congrats on doing the steps!!

paulokes

One more thought:
I spent plenty of time in drink being less-than-human and plenty of time in early recovery trying to be more-than-human.

Realising that I am only human was for me...a real shock to the ego. Learning to live my life - warts and all - as well as I can, as a plain old human being is the essence of humility and connection with the folks around me.

P