Dealing with the sense of pity
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
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Dealing with the sense of pity
Greetings folks...
Interesting thoughts today linked to my problems with booze...dealing with uncomfortable feeling that people might feel sorry for me or have pity for me...
Very long story but it's been triggered by the end of a very short but intense romantic entanglement...someone who announced feelings for me a few months back. I was initially surprised but opened myself up to something happening. Things didn't work out but we always said because we were good friends before this happened we would try to remain good friends.
Now this person has cut contact completely because...they say...they feel I fell in love with them and staying friends isn't fair on me.
Given the circumstances and what happened along the way this has been a huge blow to my pride (ha!) but genuinely I am left feeling a little bemused, and mostly hurt by that last thought...that I am genuinely trying to keep a connection as friends but now someone feels SORRY FOR ME (gulp!) and I desperately want to convince them, and anyone that knows the two of us that this is unnecessary
Had a conversation today with a friend about pity vs compassion. Compassion I will take all day long but the sense of pity I have always struggled with.
In some ways this is something I struggle with in ongoing sobriety. I'm very happy disclosing to people that I don't drink...or even the reasons why. But the feeling that people feel sorry for me as a result...well gotta admit it's preoccupied me at times over the last 8 years or so.
In terms of sobriety...it's a pointless feeling, the life I live today is lived out of choice and necessity...but it would probably be one of the biggest risk factors for a relapse. And I wonder why I still feel this so strongly.
Any others out there who struggle with the idea of someone feeling sorry for them?
P
Interesting thoughts today linked to my problems with booze...dealing with uncomfortable feeling that people might feel sorry for me or have pity for me...
Very long story but it's been triggered by the end of a very short but intense romantic entanglement...someone who announced feelings for me a few months back. I was initially surprised but opened myself up to something happening. Things didn't work out but we always said because we were good friends before this happened we would try to remain good friends.
Now this person has cut contact completely because...they say...they feel I fell in love with them and staying friends isn't fair on me.
Given the circumstances and what happened along the way this has been a huge blow to my pride (ha!) but genuinely I am left feeling a little bemused, and mostly hurt by that last thought...that I am genuinely trying to keep a connection as friends but now someone feels SORRY FOR ME (gulp!) and I desperately want to convince them, and anyone that knows the two of us that this is unnecessary
Had a conversation today with a friend about pity vs compassion. Compassion I will take all day long but the sense of pity I have always struggled with.
In some ways this is something I struggle with in ongoing sobriety. I'm very happy disclosing to people that I don't drink...or even the reasons why. But the feeling that people feel sorry for me as a result...well gotta admit it's preoccupied me at times over the last 8 years or so.
In terms of sobriety...it's a pointless feeling, the life I live today is lived out of choice and necessity...but it would probably be one of the biggest risk factors for a relapse. And I wonder why I still feel this so strongly.
Any others out there who struggle with the idea of someone feeling sorry for them?
P
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I'm sorry your romance didn't go well for you. It's not fun to experience, no matter whether we're a drinker or not, in recovery, anything.
To your question....my best answer is that when I realized I truly had been playing the victim in the majority of my life (while drinking), that began to - had to- change. There are a lot of ways I - we- do this without even realizing that's what it is. Looking for pity (so to speak) was one for me- feel sorry for me because this happened, I can't believe this happened [to me] and such thoughts....
Getting away from the I and both taking responsibility for my part AND essentially not caring what others think or feel about me (which, truly, is supposition anyway, because we never know what another is thinking and most of the time- it isn't what we think especially about them putting energy into things like pity for us).....crucial to my new way of thinking in recovery.
I find that like lots of things, this has become much easier over time. I'm an AA er so things the BB says like becoming able to "intuitively know how to handle things that used to baffle me" and AA teachings like "if I'm not the problem, there is no solution" keep me straight and on my side of the street, most of the time, and give me ways to self-correct when I drift into someone else's lane.
To your question....my best answer is that when I realized I truly had been playing the victim in the majority of my life (while drinking), that began to - had to- change. There are a lot of ways I - we- do this without even realizing that's what it is. Looking for pity (so to speak) was one for me- feel sorry for me because this happened, I can't believe this happened [to me] and such thoughts....
Getting away from the I and both taking responsibility for my part AND essentially not caring what others think or feel about me (which, truly, is supposition anyway, because we never know what another is thinking and most of the time- it isn't what we think especially about them putting energy into things like pity for us).....crucial to my new way of thinking in recovery.
I find that like lots of things, this has become much easier over time. I'm an AA er so things the BB says like becoming able to "intuitively know how to handle things that used to baffle me" and AA teachings like "if I'm not the problem, there is no solution" keep me straight and on my side of the street, most of the time, and give me ways to self-correct when I drift into someone else's lane.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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I think what you are feeling is a quite normal human response Paulokes....not just something those of us in recovery do. We all have a sense of pride and our shorcomings/errors/mistakes or really anything that makes us "different"'threatens it. Some would call that pride Ego too. How we deal with those feelings is what's most important I think, because we can't eliminate them. The concept and practice of mindfulness has been very helpful to me in this area, learning to stop trying to control what I cannot, and to be more present in the now. The fact that you realize the dynamic of what is happening and that you are actively addressing it is a good sign too.
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i don't struggle with it, per se, but dislike it intensely...and maybe that comes close to "struggling"?
pity feels like condescension, the message is one about my deficiency as the other perceives it, butbutbut...if it didn't somehow find a little loop in me to hook into, i wouldn't likely have such strong reaction to pity.
in trying to avoid pity, i sometimes don't ask for help when i actually need it.
some pretty screwy stuff there...understandable to me from my upbringing, but certainly not helpful.
i was also going to suggest contrasting it with compassion, but you've done that and yeah, it is such a different thing.
reverse side of the coin: when i feel pity for someone else, i do notice i experience it in terms of a bit of hierarchy, and dislike that intensely also. hence my seeing others' pity as condescension.
complex topic, and extra painful when coupled with intense, short romance.
pity feels like condescension, the message is one about my deficiency as the other perceives it, butbutbut...if it didn't somehow find a little loop in me to hook into, i wouldn't likely have such strong reaction to pity.
in trying to avoid pity, i sometimes don't ask for help when i actually need it.
some pretty screwy stuff there...understandable to me from my upbringing, but certainly not helpful.
i was also going to suggest contrasting it with compassion, but you've done that and yeah, it is such a different thing.
reverse side of the coin: when i feel pity for someone else, i do notice i experience it in terms of a bit of hierarchy, and dislike that intensely also. hence my seeing others' pity as condescension.
complex topic, and extra painful when coupled with intense, short romance.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
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Sorry for your pain, paulokes.
I think Scott nailed it: just because we're all sober and recovered and evolved and have been "working a strong program" (AA or other) and so forth doesn't mean we're immune from normal emotions, which can be complex and varied and individual according to each person's unique blend of nature and nurture.
What counts is practicing new ways of coping with those emotions that doesn't lead to drinking over them. The old habits are still ingrained and are easy to fall back into. For me, a certain amount of effort is required to continue employing new coping strategies no matter how well I've overcome the old ones.
Interesting about the compassion/pity distinction, and the implication of hierarchy. If it were me, I guess I'd say I need to find a way to open my mind to the idea that it's OK if other people pity me, or think less of me. I'm the same person either way, right? I hope so, anyway.
My personal bugaboo is indifference. My "codie" self goes wild when someone who once cared about me becomes indifferent. It's like I'm being personally invalidated. I'm learning (slowly) that I need not define my self-worth by what others think (or don't!) of me, but it's a tough one -- I seem to be wired that way.
I think Scott nailed it: just because we're all sober and recovered and evolved and have been "working a strong program" (AA or other) and so forth doesn't mean we're immune from normal emotions, which can be complex and varied and individual according to each person's unique blend of nature and nurture.
What counts is practicing new ways of coping with those emotions that doesn't lead to drinking over them. The old habits are still ingrained and are easy to fall back into. For me, a certain amount of effort is required to continue employing new coping strategies no matter how well I've overcome the old ones.
Interesting about the compassion/pity distinction, and the implication of hierarchy. If it were me, I guess I'd say I need to find a way to open my mind to the idea that it's OK if other people pity me, or think less of me. I'm the same person either way, right? I hope so, anyway.
My personal bugaboo is indifference. My "codie" self goes wild when someone who once cared about me becomes indifferent. It's like I'm being personally invalidated. I'm learning (slowly) that I need not define my self-worth by what others think (or don't!) of me, but it's a tough one -- I seem to be wired that way.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
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Thanks all for your compassion (or it better have been compassion hehe)
Andante yes the switch from near-idolization to indifference has been very disruptive. I would probably have avoided this situation with anyone else as there were some codie warning signs but that is a longer story.
Thanks Scott and all so true that this is just human emotions...a blessing that drink isn't a factor and I can live through it today somehow grateful to be living a human experience.
Had a further conversation with my friend today...he brought up the idea that if we sense pity from others maybe it's linked in some way to our own low self esteem...that if we didn't feel less than we wouldn't perceive the pity, or least ways it would matter less.
Who knows...just trucking through. I suppose it struck me particularly strongly today that I have felt this way so many times before...almost struggling to prove that I am not a figure to be pitied...the temptation to puff out my chest and prove how independent I am to ward off that feeling. Maybe natural long as it doesn't go too far!
I am going away with work for a week next week. A common friend of ours will be there...the lady in question talks to him a lot, about a lot of things...so no doubt I will be alert for any signs of pity or discomfort coming from him and will plaster on my best "I'm doing fine" smile - hehe!
P
Andante yes the switch from near-idolization to indifference has been very disruptive. I would probably have avoided this situation with anyone else as there were some codie warning signs but that is a longer story.
Thanks Scott and all so true that this is just human emotions...a blessing that drink isn't a factor and I can live through it today somehow grateful to be living a human experience.
Had a further conversation with my friend today...he brought up the idea that if we sense pity from others maybe it's linked in some way to our own low self esteem...that if we didn't feel less than we wouldn't perceive the pity, or least ways it would matter less.
Who knows...just trucking through. I suppose it struck me particularly strongly today that I have felt this way so many times before...almost struggling to prove that I am not a figure to be pitied...the temptation to puff out my chest and prove how independent I am to ward off that feeling. Maybe natural long as it doesn't go too far!
I am going away with work for a week next week. A common friend of ours will be there...the lady in question talks to him a lot, about a lot of things...so no doubt I will be alert for any signs of pity or discomfort coming from him and will plaster on my best "I'm doing fine" smile - hehe!
P
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. She sounds kind of vain to think that she's sparing you because she's just so irresistable that she'd break your heart because you can't have her. Your pride may be hurt right now but I hope that you bouce back from this quickly.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 214
You do not need anyones compassion or pity. Show the world with your deeds and how you live your life how serious you are. Then you will have everyones admiration and respect which I would value more than compassion or pity. Even when it sucks ten ways to Sunday keep moving forward at all costs!
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