OneLoveHope

Hello. I'm new here and I just want to share my story. Today is my second day sober from not drinking alcohol (im on Librium to help with the withdrawal) and I have three beautiful young kids. I started having a drinking problem when I was 20 years old and when I got pregnant with my first born I didn't know until I was 8 weeks along. So far she doesn't seem to be affected majorly except have memory problems (I didn't know about FASD until I was pregnant with my third child) After I had her I started drinking again and when I got pregnant with my second child I knew and kept drinking until I was 12 weeks. I had him and he hit every milestone pretty early. Now he have severe behavioral problems ADHD, ODD, and possible high functioning autism. After having him I started drinking again due to trauma in my life and of course to cope I'd drink. I got pregnant with my third and didn't stop drinking until I was 14 weeks pregnant and right then and there I started doing research and I kept finding answers that I wanted to hear that he'll be fine that it was early on..I was so uneducated about the dangers of drinking while pregnant and niaeve, plus I was honest with their doctors and they all confirmed there was nothing wrong except one time I went to a specialist while I was 7 months pregnant and she told me that just because he looks normal on an ultrasound doesn't mean he'll be okay when he's born as in developmental delays, etc. When I had him he seemed perfect until he turned 1 and was not talking and he was diagnosed at 2 years old with mild autism. I know deep down they have more than just that diagnosis and it kills me so much and I continued to drink out of guilt and shame. My drinking has caused my children to be affected for the rest of their lives. It's so obvious they have FASD .. I finally had the courage to get help to stop drinking and to focus on my kids to help them. I hate myself so much and I have to live with the rest of my life knowing I caused my babies harm. Watching them struggle kills me. I cry every night wishing I could turn back time. I felt like a prisoner to my addiction. I drank to escape reality and to feel happy just for the moment. Is there anyone else on here that can relate? I have no one to talk to. I fear for the future of my kids. Sometimes I feel suicidal. I feel stupid. I hate my addiction.

fini

OLH,
thanks for sharing about this painful place, and way to go on your courage to get help and on two days sober.
awesome!

i am an alcoholic and a mom, and though the specifics are different, i know my drinking affected my kids'lives negatively.
i know it NOW...back then i was convinced everything was fine and drinking was just this separate thing that had really nothing o do with anything else in my life, and certainly nothing to do with their lives.

the best thing you can do, the only positive way forward, is to stay sober and find a way forward that helps you accept the past without shame and guilt.
for me, the AA steps were that way, eventually, of making amends and moving forward.
there are other ways, also.

just to say it is possible, doable and worth it.

hope to see you stick around.

Jules714

Hugs to you.
Continue to reach out here. These people have experience and they care.
Hang in. Hold on. Your babies need you.
We need you.
When you come to end if your rope ; tie a knot. (Someone famously said that, don't recall name.)
Take gentle care if you and yours,
J

Steely

My kids have grow and though I didn't drink alcoholically when pregnant, just the occasional drink, 2-3 standards a week, my kids have been effected negatively in other ways after they were born, and as my drinking escalated. They have suffered psychologically and emotionally.

To live sober now you will be doing everything possible to do the very best for your kids in terms of their ongoing emotional and psychological development.

I do understand the naievety of not knowing, or not being educated on the impact of alcohol on the foetus.

Work with what you have now sober, and you will be being a really good Mum xxx

least

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down on yourself. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

Marissa41

I have a child with autism, she is 20 now, and been to many autism support groups. You can not blame yourself for this happening to them. There is no proof you caused it. Not all the mothers with autistic kids drank and they still have it. And the chances are very high that if you have one with autism the others could have it. I met a mother who never drank in her life and all three of hers had it. She had 2 boys and a girl. It's very counterproductive to place blame on yourself for that.
However, as everyone else has said you can not be the mother you need to be while drinking. So wonderful you have decided to stop drinking for them.
Autism can be a tough road for the whole family. Just be the best mom you can be! And there will be those days when you just want to go hide in the closet (maybe with an old friend) but you can't! And you won't! Take care of yourself so you can take care of them. And you will be so proud of yourself for doing it!!

Wholesome

My drinking hurt my kids too and I'll go to my grave being sorry for that. All we can do is do the right thing from this day forward. Children are resilient and adaptable and very forgiving, especially of their mothers. I can see the change in my boys since I've quit, they are calmer and more open. It was my oldest son's judgement of me that inspired me to knock off my bad behaviour. He said to his brother who was trying to tell me about a problem he was having, "Stop talking to her, there's no point, she's drunk again." I was so ashamed as I looked at their two lovely faces and saw how they thought of me reflected there. I have promised them and myself that they will never have to worry me not being a safe person to share with because I chose to get drunk over being a solid mother in their lives. I needed a hard truth like that to break through and make me really see what I was doing to them, right there in faces staring back at me, disappointed and alone telling each other not to trust me because I wasn't being reliable. In that moment I really deep down accepted that I needed to quit and quit for good, no more ******* around, I needed to change.

OneLoveHope

Thank you everyone for the positive support. I really do believe they have FASD because I did research on the difference between autism, ADHD, and FASD. My son does have ADHD but also evidence of FASD..my little one has autism but also strong evidence of FASD. I'm going to take them to a specialist for a second opinion to know for sure if it was me or that's how they were going to be regardless or my drinking or not. If they do have it then they can get help to avoid secondary conditions that come with FASD. I just have that gut feeling that I did harm. I know I was naieve and did not do it intentionally but the guilt will forever remain there. Today is day three sober. I'm very proud of myself because ever since my third child was born I was only sober for 1 day a handful of times for the last four years. I'm so happy to have found this site. I don't feel so alone anymore. I won't give up on myself or my babies. The boys go to therapy and I make sure to fight for them. I feel so much more clear headed even though it's just three days. When I would wake up the next day from being drunk and have to function I had the mushy alcoholic brain and acted slow so I couldn't fight as much for my kids which is a shame. My boys are both on IEPs and the last IEP meetings I pretty much agreed to whatever because congnitevly I wasn't there. My next step is to join an all women's AA meeting close by. Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post

Fly N Buy

My daughter doesn't drink - she has 3 kids under the age of six. The second one did mutter a word till almost two. Now he never stops talking.

What can be done is stay stopped and seek the help necessary to support your sobriety. Self pity while natural at first does nothing for us. It is pride in reverse.

I know these things because I had a lot of poor me, poor them. Here's the truth - you never have to drink again and can make a rich, full life with your kids.

Keep coming back

fini

OLH,
way to go on day three, and on taking the step to go to a meeting.
if you go a bit early, you will have a chance to chat with someone and tell them you're new and will be welcomed.
at many meetings, people will pass out their phone number, and i hope you will accept the numbers and use them.

glad you're feeling better and more clarity already.