involved

Hello all..I have been involved with an alcoholic for years. Back in Oct 2015 he moved in with me and decided to get sober. Between Oct 2015 and Aug 2016 he drank 3 times each a one day event......the last time he drank he wound up with a hit and run DUI with loss of liscense of 9 months...he decided to start seriously getting involved with recovery lifestyle... until this point he only attended 1 meeting a week no sponsor, after dui he got a sponsor, did 90 in 90 just completed awol goes to 5 or meetings a week, sees a court ordered LDAC weekly and is on Zoloft...his progress is slow and I just kicked him out 2 weeks ago. I felt like his motivation for all the recovery stuff was due to his hopeing the court would go easy...(which they didn't). But who cares...he was doing all this voluntarily and maybe light would dawn on marble head (he has suffered a brain injury 20 years ago that did cognitive damage). So that is explaination... question... so for the last 3 years he/we have had a dream of buying a home that s a real fixer upper. It is owned by my family member so the sale has been slow...and we are still having issues getting bank financing...WE can afford to finance it with our savings but do not think it wise to go that route... anyways the house has been abandoned for 2 years and that is right where he went when I kicked him out. The reason I kicked him out is because he is the one who is doing the bank financing. He says he wants me to be involved but when it came time to do the application he got all squirrely brained and omitted my name from the title...he says he doesn't trust me to match the down payment he put down...even though we "discussed" that I would sell my house and thats where my contribution would come from. He lied about the ommission even after I questioned him (because I knew he was being squirrely)...and when it came out thru bank papers he needed help with on the internet he still upheld the "lie by omission"...knowing that this was a boundry for me! He wasnt going to live with me in my house for his convenience! So out he went! As a result of this situation his sponsor also quit on him...(per my qualifier) said sponsor (after discussing with his sponsor) came to realize he wasnt helping and that he wasn't getting the program! "B" said he was staying sober so he was helping! "B" also told me that he does not want to be a "dry drunk"...but anyways here he is now with no license 3 mikes out of town in a very beautiful 10 acre piece of property isolated from the world with only the radio for company! I truely believe he is sober..and is getting to meetings as much as he can (about 3 times a week) and.he has thrown himself into improving the property (with limited knowledge of the owner) and has an earie calmness about him, almost as if recovery has started to sink in over night! He has still shown to me that there is still the "bending of the truth" and omissions, but he seems to have some kind of serenity! He says now that he wants me to be there with him and is willing to have a less conflict filled conversation about "the deal" but he seems to be weirdly attatched to this house.
He wants the house but is still lonely... I am wondering if this could be some form of addiction or did the stars align and he finally heard "the click" without the booze? Any opinions?

doggonecarl

It's been two weeks. My opinion is give it more time. My second opinion is don't get into a financial deal for a house with an alcoholic.

My third opinion is you aren't going to give him enough time to prove his long term sobriety and will probably make this financial deal anyway.

Good luck.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like addiction to me. Addicts are masters of manipulation too remember. You have a laundry list of reasons not to do this right in your message - try reading it as if someone else wrote it and think of how you would respond.

Berrybean

The house isn't necessarily an addiction as such, but more like his behaviour around the whole deal is typical for an addict who is either active, or hasn't yet had the benefit of recovery ...

The lying and manipulating to get what he wants (because he has probably convinced himself that THIS is what will fix him and it's not WANT it's NEED)

The reaching out and grabbing for external things to make him feel better

That's pretty typical I reckon. Sometimes the same things happen when we get obsessive about other things. Gambling, relationships, sex, shopping, food (or no food). And like alcohol, once we've slapped the mental label 'Solution ' onto something, it's hard work to convince us otherwise.

Still not sure why his sponsor would have given him up on the strength of that alone though. The whole point of having a sponsor is because we do this crazy thinking and need to learn (through the steps and by example) better ways of dealing with life on life's terms, with honesty and integrity.

involved

^^^^this is what I feel like it is also....kind of the same idea as a geographical fix type thing...

I know he has only 9 months, and that is not nearly long enough to determine long term sobriety, to respond to ScottFromWI And yes I am well aware of the "laundry list. My question wasn't about believing or trusting him. I know better than that! I was just wondering in terms of "the spiritual awakening" phenomenon from your side of the story. Thank you for your response it gave me food for thought!

doggoncarl I am well aware of the dangers and pitfalls to any financial entanglement with an alcoholic. Thats why I was not on the Mortgage and not cashing in my savings. But insisting on the title rights. Long term sobriety is my reason for this question! "We" are always waiting for the other shoe to drop! I am not asking if he is safe to buy a house with...just wondering if we maybe turned a corner or took on a new problem...

Berrybean - His sponsor has only 4 years sobriety...he has great recovery but I think he was triggered by some of "B" behavior...maybe not the best fit in the long run? But a good first sponsor. "B" has mentioned who he has picked out for his next sponsor...another solid choice with much longer in recovery. I have been to a meeting here and there over the years with "B" and have heard these men share. Thank you for your response! You may have hit the nail on the head! Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly right?

ScottFromWI

I do believe that "spiritual awakenings" or "seeing the light" are possible for addicts, but I still don't think that it's a green light to dive into something as major as purchasing a home because of it.

The last time I quit drinking I did have somewhat of an experience like that - not so much an "awakening" though...it was more of a reckoning/awareness. That day ( Jan 7, 2013 ) I woke up and knew without question that I had to stop drinking. I can't say what caused it or why but I just felt something in the core of my existence that told me that I had to stop drinking, right now..that very second.

Having said that, it literally too me years to get myself straightened back out. And while that realization was a defining moment in my sober life, at the time I was in no shape to be making other major decisions about my life like moving, buying a house, etc.

Berrybean

Def sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly. And sometimes two steps forward, and one step back. The drinking and using are, after all, just one symptom of our condition!

Hope things work out.

BB

involved

Thanks BB....I am well aware that this too could all be a manipulation...time will tell! And I am keeping my distance for a while... I am glad though to see that he is at least pointed in the right direction! Meaning still going to meetings and asking for the help of another sponsor and staying sober! I do know Alcoholics with 25 years of sobriety who go to multiple meetings weekly but have very weak recovery!

Horseseatgrass

Addicts are masters of manipulation.... Bla bla bla lump everyone in same boat

AnvilheadII

so he basically moved in to someone ELSE'S house - without their express permission or knowledge?

and he conveniently forgot to add your name on the financing paperwork.

he doesn't sound like a truly humbled person - he's shifty, shady and still lies.

involved

Yep....she knows he is living there, she gave him permission to change the utilities into his name, but not that he is doing projects. Ie cutting down trees tearing down a shed digging and restoring the basement bulkhead...Its like what BB said...he got this house thing into his mind and come hell or high water he is getting the financing to make this happen! But the bank has already turned down one loan type and sent him down a different avenue! (He has excelent credit btw.)...The homeowner also wants him to buy it because she and he have similar visions for the home that she loved and can not live in anymore so she is willing to work with him...

Wrote my name on the paper application then told the banker to remove it when he entered into the computer... then when I asked if he kept my name on it, he said yes... When I later discovered it wasn't on there any longer... he said the banker took it off, not him!

He should not be doing any projects until he buys the home unless he has gotten permission! Definitely a shady character!Anvilhead!