Wilde8673

I don't even know what to say. But I am feeling overwhelmed, sad, lonely to name a few. I have had a problem with drinking for a long time but it has really taken off the last two and a half years. I keep spiraling downward. I've pushed so many people away, including my kids. I've created so many money problems. I can't get out of my own head. I am so sick of myself and my own story.... always feeling sorry for myself. Always coming up with excuses. Always just one more day. I keep saying that I'm done with this and I go right back. No one believes me anymore, not even myself. But I have to be done. I can't stand living like this. I am a disappointment. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of pretending. And I feel so alone. I know so many say how much better life gets and I just feel like it's elusive to me. I drank last night. Way too much and drive my car. What gives me the right to do that. I seriously hate myself and I want a way out so badly. The grip it has on me is unreal.... sorry for the rambling. I just neede to get it out and I need to connect. I need strength and I'm having a really hard time finding it. I can't help my daughter with college because I have wasted so much money and ruined my credit. I can't even consign a loan. I'm trying to get a second job so I can pay stuff off, pay my taxes before that gets out of hand. God please. This has to end or I will.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back. You can make things better, but only if you commit unconditionally to stopping drinking first. That is the only solution and it has to come first before any of the other things can be fixed. And it's never too late.

If the conditions are extraordinarily bad, then extraordinary efforts on your part are probably necessary. By that I mean meetings/rehab/counseling/seeing your doctor....basically you have to be willing to do ANYTHING to quit. Coming here to ask for help was a great first step....are hon ready to take the next?

Wilde8673

Thank you for response. I understand what you are saying and agree that I have to do whatever it takes and I have to do it now before things get worse. For today, I feel paralyzed. I am literally just sitting on my couch reading through posts. I'm afraid if I move that I will get in my car and drive to the package store. I looked up a meeting for tonight, but I'm not going to go because I do not trust myself to not go and buy alcohol if I get in my car. That voice in my head trying to convince me that I can quit tomorrow, just one more day. But that voice has kept me drinking for 10 years. Maybe tomorrow I can go to a meeting.

ScottFromWI

You can call your local chapter and explain your situation, you might even find someone who will pick you up and give you a ride to a meeting. That voice will try anything it can to get you drinking again, so stay close to support wherever you can find it. Someone is here on SR nearly 24/7 if you need it.

tomls

Welcome back! Please stay close to here if you can't make a meeting!

RogerD

Early recovery is a lonely road. It does get better. Really it does. But it's very difficult in the beginning. I think AA is a good start. You can listen to people just like you and personally, I found comfort in seeing all these people and knowing I wasn't alone.

Wilde8673

Thanks guys. I'm feeling a little better today. Didn't sleep well which is to be expected. I'm still afraid to leave my house today. The urges are so strong and sometimes the decision to pull into the packie seems almost involuntary. Trying to just get up a little today and do a few things around the house but with no expectation of what I feel like I should do other than not drink. I would really like to just clean my bathtub today and take a bath. Would love to read in the bath, but I really have no focus right now.. hope you all are having a good day😊

Chaplain30

Same here. Its my day 1 again.

SteelRes211

Many day "ones" for me too but eventually I got sick of the nightmare my life was turning into and quit five weeks ago, Give yourself a break and start digging out of the financial stuff one bill at a time.

Dee74

Giod to hear Wilde
Welcoem back Chplain30.

Welcome to you too SteelRes - feel free to start your own thread if you like - you'll get more support that way

D

Quit290117

Hi Wilde, day 1 again for me also. Know how your feeling now. It will get better. I know it's hard I have similar financial issues but I know from previous sober periods that once your off the booze for a few weeks you do start to see a way out especially when your not spending it on drink. You will get there.

Wilde8673

hi everyone! Thanks for the support! I made it to day three today. I didn't leave my house for two days because I felt horrible, the anxiety was out of control and I didn't trust myself to not go to the package store. But today I went to a friends house for a swim and dinner. This is a newer friend and she doesn't drink. She doesn't have a problem with drinking, she just doesn't like alcohol and her mother was an alcoholic so she just stayed away. Anyway, it was a safe place for me to be. And I was able to socialize better than I thought. it helped that no one was drunk. Anyway, it really helps to get all your feedback. I know intellectually that I am not alone, but I don't always believe it. I'm trying to focus on positive things today just to keep my head out of the negative. I can't beat myself up or it'll never change. (And I am a pro at beating myself up!)....I have to just keep telling myself that I can do this, I'm the only one who can do this for me, and that I deserve this. Tired of being miserable.... so bring on day 4!