superstaroxox

Hey all! I've been sober and in the program for 16 months. I've had the same sponsor throughout.
A few months ago I sort of hit a wall in my recovery and stopped reaching out to my sponsor. We wouldn't talk for weeks at a time. By this time I had also finished my steps with this sponsor.
I love my sponsor, she is amazing. But sometimes while talking with other people in the program, I realize that maybe I want someone who sponsors in a different style (not putting down my sponsor at all, like I said she's amazing). What I mean is that I see people who have a great relationship with their sponsors and spend a lot of time with them, going to meetings together and whatnot. My sponsor and I don't do that. We strictly meet to go over steps. I feel uncomfortable calling my sponsor often, but that's probably just me because she says she wants me to call often. Also, if I don't call my sponsor, we will not talk, meaning she will never call me first. Right now I'm calling her about once a week.
Should I just stick with someone I know and am fairly comfortable with or should I take the plunge and get a new sponsor? Have any of you ever been in this situation?

ScottFromWI

Congrats on 16 months! Sounds like a lot of reasons to move on and find a new sponsor to me. Do you have anyone in mind in particular? Why not ask your sponsor how they feel about it too? Maybe they are feeling the same way and would like more involvement too?

superstaroxox

Thanks! I do have someone in mind! I'm friends with one of her sponsees and she sounds like a great fit for me!
I could definitely talk to my sponsor about it, I'm just terrified to bring any of this up to her at all haha.

tomsteve

which, the steps will find the root of the fear. imo, I would highly suggest talking to your current sponsor about this. seems you should be honest with her. could just be part of the phase of your development
its my duty to guide a sponsee through the steps- to help a sponsee find a power greater than them- a HP to rely on.
im NOT a HP. just a guide.


imo, it reads like your sponsor is doing what a sponsor is supposed to do.

" I sort of hit a wall in my recovery and stopped reaching out to my sponsor."
not sure what that wall was, but you should give your current sponsor a chance and discuss this with her.

it reads like youre lookin for friends in recovery to go to meetings with.

Db1105

Congratulations on your 16 months. The job of a sponsor is to guide the newcomer through The Twelve Steps, The Twelve Traditions, service work, etc.. Once through the Steps, its time to carry the message. The Sponsor's job is done.

Somewhere along the line the Sponsor has morphed into a life coach after taking the sponsee through the Steps. Once I went through my Steps, my sponsor at the time told me his job was done. I still hadn't had that burning bush spiritual awakening so I went thought the Steps with a couple of more people or Sponsors until I felt that I "got it".

I great guide to Sponsorship can be found online. AAWS's Pamphlet 'Questions and Answers on Sponsorship' is a great read. You can find it here:

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_us/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

Gottalife

Sounds like your sponsors job is done unless you want her to be your stand in for God, or you buy that kind of codependency type sponsorship that many people seem to.

I would have liked a life time sponsor, one that would tell me what to do. That thinking came from a child. My sponsor would not allow that. He took me through the steps, and showed me how to be an adult, with my own source of Power to draw on.

The deal was we get help, get taken through the steps, find the god of our understanding. When that is accomplished we begin our repayments by helping others, taking them through the steps, helping them get connected to their higher power. We go from sponsee to sponsor, child to adult. That is the path to permanent recovery.

fini

sounds to me like what you're seeing others do is be buddies of a sort. sponsorship is about step-guidance, and being available .
not about calling you, but being available if you need to call.

possibly the wall you speak of having hit suggests it's time to start sponsoring others.
really, there is nothing left for her to "do" as sponsor.

i do know the kinds of relationships you're seeing others have with their sponsors...i see them all around me. the socializing, the dependence for all kinds of things that develops, the not detaching when the step stuff is completed....it's not what i call sponsorship.

someone already suggested the pamphlet...it's a good resource for clarity.

maybe what you're looking for requires you to build new friendships, and have some buddies for joined activities, and engage with others on a different level.

superstaroxox

Thanks everyone, this has been immensely helpful!
Maybe this "wall" I've hit is just not knowing how much communication is necessary after finishing my steps with my sponsor... I don't know if I'm supposed to call her every day, or just when I need to. I don't know if I'm still supposed to "check in" or not. Make sense?

CoffeeInstead

To me, you contact a sponsor when you need him/her. If you feel that you need to call her, then do that! I don't think there needs to be a checking in call, unless you are feeling tempted or need someone to talk you down of the ledge.

To me, it sounds like you are ready to sponsor someone yourself! Go for it!!!

Bunny211

I outgrew my first sponsor. I wanted something she was not offering. I've since switched and I am much happier. I was 19 months sober when I switched. It is pretty common. When you know, you know!

tomsteve

yup, makes sense! and very glad to read ya seeing all this!


aaand a great thing to bring up with your sponsor.

I have times I don't talk to my sponsor for weeks. sometimes I call him because im needing a little guidance, and crazy how he tells me something I already knew( like work the program. . sometimes just to shoot the breeze.
today, my sponsor doesn't want me calling him for everything I may need some guidance for. he encourages me to reach out to others- to look at what the subjest may be I want some guidance on. basically, that's him sayin he doesn't know everything , doesn't have all the answers, and wants me to use my HP to guide me in the right direction.

NYCDoglvr

I'm of the school that a sponsor is for the Steps and working the program. It isn't a sponsor's job to be a parent, friend or therapist. If you're looking for a friend, find one, but I'd stick with the sponsor and try to work through issues you have.

Grungehead

My "step" sponsor made it clear at the beginning that he was there to guide me through the step process and not give advice on my finances, love life, career or legal issues. I still chuckle thinking about him saying something along the lines of "I'm not your lawyer and I'm not your marriage counselor".

He did suggest that I might meet someone in the fellowship who would be interested in a mentoring relationship or what he termed a "life sponsor". My sponsor was an older gentleman and he thought I might relate more to someone closer to my age for a relationship such as this. I never did find a specific "life sponsor" but I have made enough friends in the fellowship that I feel I could go to one of them for "life advice".

Berrybean

I'm pretty rubbish at reaching out esp on the phone. Sometimes I'll call my sponsor but only when I need something specific. We tend to meet in the school holidays. But I know that this is definitely my issue and not hers. She has much more contact with the sponsee that she has who don't have a phone allergy. Lol. I prefer face to face chats and use hearing issues as a bit of an excuse, but it is true that phone calls can be a bit of a struggle.

I was always led to believe that it's the sponsee who should call their sponsor. It's really not up to them to be running round after us. If we want more contact its up to us to make more contact. I reckon the serenity prayer would guide you pretty well on this, esp if you do the person / people version...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
The courage to change the person I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery and sobriety. BB

MrEd

Congratulations on your sobriety superstaroxox !

I agree with you tomsteve.

Talking frankly with your current sponsor superstaroxox, is probably the best way to resolve the doubts. It will help you understand what she expects of you, and will help you decide if she is still a good match.

In my experience, I I've had more than one sponsor (had to do with my fears rather than them), when I picked the one I thought was going to help me the most, I went thru with all steps. He really help me a lot get out of the funk I was in.
He did not call me, I called him. He was always there for me, available, ready to share his ESH with me.

My current sponsor (since I asked him to be) has been there for me for the last 12 years or so. I called him at least 2 times a week (more frequently when needed) He did not use to call me, Over the years, and because of having worked the steps, he now calls me once in a while. I still call him more... LOL

Now, I have a sponsee that, after having worked his steps with me (not thoroughly because he has claimed he worked the steps before), has not called me since I suggested to him a few things I thought he needed to hear. I have told him in the past that I rather be his sponsor first and his friend second because his addiction to alcohol and drugs might kill him...long story... he is sober from alcohol, but I am doubting his clean time...

Anyway, I came across this post on a search thru the forums, and liked the honesty in the shares of you all.

My sponsor is in an ALF facility at the local VA healthcare campus, so I have not wanted to bog him down with my current challenges, although I have shared with him what is going on.
Basically, I know to continue to work the program and share what I know about recovery with those I try to help.
I have shared with my friends in recovery as well (in general) what's going on, as I do not want to break this guy's anonymity...

Anyway, enough of my share.
Thanks for listening.
Ed

SeaOfSerenity

congrats on 16months sober superstar!