carlinwils

Hi there , I'm having a hard time making a clear path in my head for the road to recovery. I found myself doing and saying things ,even while sober , to enable more drinking. I would never make a commitment to plans because "what if something else comes up and I have a chance to drink" . I avoided responsibilities and realized I show up to work drunk from the night before more often then I don't. And not to mention all the random hook ups that were beating my self-esteem to a pulp. It's taken a while of being alone in my room thinking about all the things I hate about myself to realize they all have one common link- alcohol. I truly believe it is the root of all evil. I started thinking back to the first couple parties I attended in high school , every bad decision I've made after those parties has been because of alcohol. I've accepted I have an addiction, and I've started the healing process. I'm just not sure if I have the right guidance.


Can you tell me what helped you accept and move forward in the early stages of recovery ? Was going to your first meeting scary ? We're you nervous to tell the people closest to you about your decision because they were enablers?

I would love to hear some of the things that you found the most inspiring in the hardest moments of accepting your problem.

bluedog97

I've heard people say in meetings that it's for people who want it, not necessarily need it. I needed to quit drinking a long time ago, but I don't think deep down I really wanted to. I wanted to drink without consequences, and I continued to drink while the consequences piled up. I've had to concede to my innermost self that I'm an alcoholic and I can't drink.

Yes I was nervous about first going to AA but they're pretty good about making newcomers feel welcome.

Good luck and welcome to SR.

PhoenixJ

Hi carl, welcome. My narrative is enough to share my experience if you wish to read it. Keep posting. PJ

MicroMacro

Hi there back.

You're having a hard time making a clear path in your head because the path doesn't work in your head. The path works under your feet - it requires physical movement on your part in some form. That looks like walking into a meeting or reading a book or talking with another alcoholic. The path to and through sobriety requires action.

The right quidance - always - comes from your heart. Your heart has never and will never lead you astray nor has it ever nor will it ever betray you. It speaks quietly though. You have to learn how to listen to it. When you can't hear it - you can always do the next right thing - which is to use a process of elimination. You might not know what the exact right thing to do is, but you can knock the wrong ones off the table.

You wrote that you've accepted that you're an addict. That doesn't mean that you've accepted that you need to stop drinking - permanently. Those are two different things. Until you do the latter - it's all for naught. Once you accept that you have to stop drinking - permanently - moving forward sorta starts to happen because you're already moving in that direction. You get involved in whatever resonates. Maybe that's AA. Maybe it's something else.

It had to be something else for me. I used to eat, sleep and breathe alcohol. AA was and is helpful sometimes, but I don't agree with some of it, and I certainly didn't want to eat, sleep and breathe it. But I had to replace alcohol and drinking with something just as huge - so I've gone back to school to become a life coach.



Best.

FBL

One word: surrender. I had to admit to utter and total defeat before I could even begin to recover.

SoberCAH

We're all very happy you're here, Carl.

I went through many of the same mental machinations (thinking about my drinking history and its consequences) that you are experiencing.

I was afraid of going to meetings initially, but now I am afraid to not go to them.

For me, AA has opened the door for me to get and stay sober.

That is no small feat given my drinking history.

I hope that you go to meetings and meet some very helpful people.

I certainly have, and I haven't had a drink since I attended my first meeting.

I have been sober a few 24 hours, as we say in AA.

Done4today

Welcome Carlinwils. Glad you are here.

I've known my drinking was a problem since I can remember. I drank with intent. I drank to get drunk from the first time. Now jump 30 years ahead with a couple DUIs, failed relationships, and work problems. I still wanted to learn to drink in moderation.

My first months in AA I looked for differences to allow myself to continue drinking. But I was told to keep coming back if I wanted what they had. I started to identify and see the similarities. But I still wanted to learn how to drink moderately. I kept relapsing but the relapses were getting further apart. Therefore I felt I was getting better. At a meeting, someone shared about Marty Mann (one of the first female AA member) designed a "test" to see if you are an alcoholic. Drink 2 or 3 alcoholic beverages of your choice no less and no more every single day at the same time for 60 days. If you can do this, chances are you're not an alcoholic. Damn skippy I found another reason to drink and prove I wasn't an alcoholic. I was drunk and binge drinking on the second or third day. This proved to me 100% that I was an alcoholic.

I got a sponsor and did the steps. I haven't had a desire to drink since then.

When you wake up in the morning before you try to figure out where you are, close your eyes and take a bunch of slow breaths. Then reflect on your drinking, is it normal? Don't let any thought of another human being and what you think they think come into this exercise. Now it's just you and your brain. The answer is there, at the heart of hearts you know the answer. Don't ignore it, empower yourself and do something about the solution.

Good luck and keep coming back

SnazzyDresser

I use SR exclusively. What's been most inspiring to me is the example set by the SR vets who've been sober for years and have greatly improved their lives by not drinking. That can be me too, why not. Sobriety isn't magic or witchcraft, it's a skill that can be learned. I know how not to drink today, and if I keep doing that every day I win. Hopefully I can help somebody else not drink while I'm at it, and everybody wins!

Belier

Welcome, I came to that same conclusion when I honestly sat down and mapped it all out as well, a big glaring common denominator.

Great support here Carlin, read around and know you are a part of a larger group of people wanting to be happy and make really good life choices. It is never to late.

I personally have never been happier since being brave enough to give it a go, sure it takes not expecting immediate gratification or the numbing of uncomfortable feelings, and you have to deal with stuff rather than bury it at first, but it is so worth it if you can push through.

Bunny211

Others have said it. You have to want it more than anything in the world. Surrender. Get off this elevator now...it's going downnnnnnnnnn.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Carlinwils!!

BrendaChenowyth

Do you ever get the feeling like you're a stranger to yourself, like you're not at all the person you were meant to be? I don't know if that happens to everyone else, but no amount of loss of money, material things, or relationships was enough to make me want to quit. Only feeling like I'd lost my self made me want to quit. I think the key to finally being able to quit was finding a way back to myself, which for me was through faith in God. It's not going to be that for everyone.. Just wanted to share my experience, in case you can use any of that. I believe addiction is very personal and every person's recovery is unique.

Isaiah

If I could go back in time and say one thing to convince newly sober me one thing that could've saved me a lot of trouble: "don't overthink things."

I heard that a lot when I got into A.A. through various cliches and at first, instinctively I thought that had to be a mistake. If I was making the biggest change of my life shouldn't I be thinking through all the angles and every detail? I guess what I didn't know then that I know now is that recovery is a process and it's not something that's going to be solved over a night of heavy contemplation. All I did was complicate things to where I was second guessing everything that could've been helping me. Simple plans are easier to stick with, and in time you can begin to work through the more deep-seated challenges like regrets.

Going to my first meeting was terrifying at first. If I wasn't ordered to go by the courts, I'm not sure I would have. I ended up having a sort of emotional breakdown there. I was crying hard. But it was exactly what I needed. I had more bottled up in me than I myself realized. And not a single person judged me for it. Since then I've witnessed countless people do the same thing coming into their first meeting, and I see in them just what happened to me.

Dee74

How are you doing carlinwils?

D

NYCDoglvr

I realized that if I continue drinking I will die. The gift of desperation led to AA and my life is nothing like it was.