120degrees0ut

Im terrified...i drank 7 beers other day. i SLAMMED them. then later my drunken thinking caused me to start fight with this guy i hate. i saw him filming me on his phone, but i had no control. apparently i took swing at him. he was dialing sherrif to come. i didnt get arrested, but i know he took video. im living in paranoia, terror and regret. i believe now that alcohol is driving me mad. i cant remember bits and pieces of fight...but it was not a normal blackout. i started drinking heavy since legal age 21 and now im 48. it was only a matter of time before madness takes hold. i feel as if i have turned a new corner on my drinking. 7 beers is water to me cuz id drink gallons of whiskey, unscathed. its different now. also i stayed sober for 3 mos previous to this MESS. i have no idea whats going to happen today w this mess. i forgot every Christmas and New Yrs i go on a severe bender. its happening and i didnt mean to. i only went for one 6 pk. im broke i have no more alcohol as usual. this crap is killing me every time i pick up. bad messes im unable to fix anymore. i normally drink alone to avoid this mess of crap...

Coldfusion

Welcome back, 120 degreesOut!

I needed help to stay sober when I first quit drinking. I did ninety AA meetings in ninety days, and am still sober four years later. There is probably a meeting soon near you!

Mklove

You can do this. You will be in control again. You sound like you want release from alcohols grip. You did it before, try it one day at a time again!

120degrees0ut

THX for comments. im actually scared. i cant take what aclohol has the power to do to me. it truly feels like a new corner ive turned. alcohol has reared its ugly head and its attacking and destroying me. ive been thinking that alcohol has very, very strong hold over me. sobriety i cannot enjoy small good things peace of mind it brings. alcohol controls me and i know deep down it causes me major problems. its too damn strong. im scared it will win now until the mess kills me. terrified alcohol will beat me!!!!

Coldfusion

Here's a little more information about AA (linked with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services):

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf

tomsteve

the feelings youre having bring back memories of my own existence when I was drinking- feelings that I had finally stopped trying to stuff the day after my last drunk.
and found myself in an AA meeting. I got the big book, kept going to meetings, did what the big book said, and haven't drank since.

the great fact is you have the power today to get into action to not allow alcohol to beat you- it will only beat you if you allow it.

NYCDoglvr

AA at it's fundamental best: I don't drink today. Just today. If anyone had ever told me I can't drink again I wouldn't have gotten sober. It's around 8430 days, over 25 years. I was as hopeless as you. A big hug.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back 120 degrees, I'd also recommend a structured recovery program as well, whether it's AA or another meeting based program. Just like the rest of us, once you pick up the first drink all bets are off. Accepting that ( that you can never pick the first drink ) and finding a support network to help you do that is possible.

PhoenixJ

Perhaps see your doctor, that stuff IS red flags.

SWTPEA61

[QUOTE=120degrees0ut;6262682]Im terrified...i drank 7 beers other day. i SLAMMED them. then later my drunken thinking caused me to start fight with this guy i hate. i saw him filming me on his phone, but i had no control. apparently i took swing at him. he was dialing sherrif to come. i didnt get arrested, but i know he took video. im living in paranoia, terror and regret. i believe now that alcohol is driving me mad. i cant remember bits and pieces of fight...but it was not a normal blackout. i started drinking heavy since legal age 21 and now im 48. it was only a matter of time before madness takes hold. i feel as if i have turned a new corner on my drinking. 7 beers is water to me cuz id drink gallons of whiskey, unscathed. its different now. also i stayed sober for 3 mos previous to this MESS. i have no idea whats going to happen today w this mess. i forgot every Christmas and New Yrs i go on a severe bender. its happening and i didnt mean to. i only went for one 6 pk. im broke i have no more alcohol as usual. this crap is killing me every time i pick up. bad messes im unable to fix anymore. i normally drink alone to avoid this mess

ST.MICHAEL
PLEASE HELP 120DEGREESOUT CAST AWAY THE DEMON THAT HAS TAKEN OVER. AMEN

Fly N Buy

Once most of the obstacles to my sobriety = career, money, loving family, self respect, ambition etc, were removed - I found I became willing to get sober with help.

Thanks for the post, it's a stark reminder for me. I was also that guy.

Dee74

Glad you're back 120degreesout.

I think the guy with the phone isn't your biggest problem right now?

some good advice here on where to get help.

You never need to feel this way again

D

Delilah1

This site is so supportive, and can definitely help you to get sober. Spend some time reading and posting on here. Join the December class, and check out the 24 hour thread too.

Glad you are here.

Algorithm

You are, unfortunately, probably correct. The sustained drinking eventually leads to deep personality distortions, coupled with a loss of inhibition, which often leads to dangerous, antisocial behavior.

You know that this began earlier, judging from your remark about solitary drinking to avoid repercussions. There is no going back to drinking without these unfortunate effects, but without the alcohol, you will probably find that you are in fact quite sane.

Alcohol doesn't have to beat you, but there can be no more binging, which means no more first drinks. You were able to go three months without it, and you can go longer, or even indefinitely, just as easily.

Soberwolf

Welcome back

Done4today

120 Degrees, Welcome back. I use AA as my recovery program. My story parallels yours and I was at the "sick and tired of being sick and tired" stage in my life. My problems caused by my binge drinking were stacking up. You sound like you have a better understanding of your powerlessness over alcohol than I did. It took me over a year of relapsing every 30-90 days to finally accept (surrender) that I had lost the ability to control my drinking. Once I surrendered and asked for my higher power, HP, to help all cravings and desires to drink left me. I had what is called a white light experience and I pray you do too. It would not have happened until I convinced myself that I was powerless over my use of alcohol.

I will pray for you 120degrees and would suggest some structured recovery program. And I would suggest to go to the meetings with an open mind, listen with intent to identify, and understanding that recovery takes work. If you choose AA, then be advised its not a religious program (even tho the god word is used often) but a spiritual program.

Good luck and god bless

120degrees0ut

THANX So Much everyone for your kindness and words of wisdom. yes i am a binge drinker too. longest binge i went on was 1 entire month solid. i only ate a few crackers entire month. only reason i stopped drinking was cuz i was feeling so ill..and i mighta been outta alcohol, dont remember. but lying down that nite, sick, my entire left arm went numb. i thought i would probably die. but i lived. i drink HUGE amts and im a female weighing 100 lbs. i cant even believe im walking around healthy today. alcohol is doing slightly different things to me now...like i said, i noticed. for one thing i cant drink as much. or maybe cuz i slam it so fast cuz its been months since i had 1 drink. alcohol is destroying my memory somehow. i HATE not remembering what i said or did. its destroying my ability to THINK. its definitely doing something new, that i do know for a fact. alcohols grip on me is soooo tight. i feel like its constantly around my neck. tired of the crap!

Dee74

Have you been thinking about a recovery plan 120degreesout?
any ideas on how you'll stay sober?
D

Mklove

120 degrees, if you look into the future what is amazing is that you can actually get really healthy in body and mind in a short time by quitting. I thought it would take longer and I drank for about 35 years pretty much every day. So please, try, take one day off.