How Did I Stay Sober?
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How Did I Stay Sober?
An old friend of mine emails me from time to time. Yesterday I saw his name pop up in my Inbox. He's a man of few words so I'm always happy and appreciative to hear a word or two from him. 
It was short and sweet as is typical. He's relapsed and is upset and concerned. He then showed concern for me, citing our close sobriety (not alcohol for him, it's a porn addiction) dates. He wondered if I was still sober, and if so, how I was doing it. He asked if I knew stats on addiction recovery (he knows I read a lot).
I lost interest in stats early on when I was told in a 12-Step based rehab center that only 10-15% would remain sober a year after we graduated from IOP. I knew at that moment I was up against grim stats and odds (if they were accurate, but how do you really measure this?). I don't like to fail and so I set out to not be just another statistic.
So, how did I do it? How am I still sober? My email was short and sweet, cause I know my buddy doesn't like verbosity. I changed my life, one step at a time. Yes, it's true. I literally changed my entire life. Very little has stayed the same. I listed all the things I added to my life. I didn't stop bad habits ... I added new good habits. One by one. They just stacked up over time.
I won't list them here because it's not really about what I did, and it's not a matter of pride ... it's actually astounding to look back over the past 3.5 years to examine what I did. If someone had told me in IOP early on that by 7/22/16 I'd have done all those things, I would hardly believe them. And had I been told to do any of those things, I'd not have had very much faith it was going to happen in that time constraint. I certainly would've procrastinated from the outset.
So my story involves life changes. Big ones. One right after another. And not believing the odds are any sort of predestination or predetermination for your particular life. That stat set me into action. I didn't crumple over into a ball of despair. The stab of fear motivated me into action.
I hope this can help those of a similar personality or mindset as me. I know we're all different and need different things. But I'm here to say, this approach worked beautifully for my long-term sobriety. And I was certainly an alcoholic drinker for at least 12-15 years! The kind who looked rather hopeless from the outside. Lost friends, a lost job, a DUI, a car accident, a couple of trips to the ER, stalled career and creative development, a despairing spouse, concerned friends and family, neglected health ... you get the idea.
It was short and sweet as is typical. He's relapsed and is upset and concerned. He then showed concern for me, citing our close sobriety (not alcohol for him, it's a porn addiction) dates. He wondered if I was still sober, and if so, how I was doing it. He asked if I knew stats on addiction recovery (he knows I read a lot).
I lost interest in stats early on when I was told in a 12-Step based rehab center that only 10-15% would remain sober a year after we graduated from IOP. I knew at that moment I was up against grim stats and odds (if they were accurate, but how do you really measure this?). I don't like to fail and so I set out to not be just another statistic.
So, how did I do it? How am I still sober? My email was short and sweet, cause I know my buddy doesn't like verbosity.
I changed my life, one step at a time. Yes, it's true. I literally changed my entire life. Very little has stayed the same. I listed all the things I added to my life. I didn't stop bad habits ... I added new good habits. One by one. They just stacked up over time. I won't list them here because it's not really about what I did, and it's not a matter of pride ... it's actually astounding to look back over the past 3.5 years to examine what I did. If someone had told me in IOP early on that by 7/22/16 I'd have done all those things, I would hardly believe them. And had I been told to do any of those things, I'd not have had very much faith it was going to happen in that time constraint. I certainly would've procrastinated from the outset.
So my story involves life changes. Big ones. One right after another. And not believing the odds are any sort of predestination or predetermination for your particular life. That stat set me into action. I didn't crumple over into a ball of despair. The stab of fear motivated me into action.
I hope this can help those of a similar personality or mindset as me. I know we're all different and need different things. But I'm here to say, this approach worked beautifully for my long-term sobriety. And I was certainly an alcoholic drinker for at least 12-15 years! The kind who looked rather hopeless from the outside. Lost friends, a lost job, a DUI, a car accident, a couple of trips to the ER, stalled career and creative development, a despairing spouse, concerned friends and family, neglected health ... you get the idea.
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One more thing I should mention ... I never thought of myself as a 'doer' or as a person of 'action.' I'm more of a thinker. I'm the daydreamer, intellectual, overly analytical type. The kind of person who's always in her own head.
It's interesting that I took many actions. Real actions. Not perceived or imagined ones.
The kind of person who's always in her own head. It's interesting that I took many actions. Real actions. Not perceived or imagined ones.
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That's a great way of putting it Soberpotamus. I am too a "thinker" and for years tried to "outhink" my addiction. I did exactly the same thing with my anxiety and I still do occasionally to a certain extent. Always trying to get more info, analyze things, etc.
With my addiction I feel the same way - once I started DOING things to change my life, that's when real progress was made.
In my struggles with anxiety, I began therapy about a year ago. With the first therapist I was constantly analyzing, reading articles, listening to podcasts, trying to find the "answer" to my problems. With my second counselor, one day I asked her a simple question - is the answer to my problems me just getting off my butt and DOING some of these things? She smiled and nodded, and since that day i'm making progress there too. Actually trying to meditate ( vs. reading about HOW to do it 500 different way ) makes a difference...even if I am horrible at it ;-)
With my addiction I feel the same way - once I started DOING things to change my life, that's when real progress was made.
In my struggles with anxiety, I began therapy about a year ago. With the first therapist I was constantly analyzing, reading articles, listening to podcasts, trying to find the "answer" to my problems. With my second counselor, one day I asked her a simple question - is the answer to my problems me just getting off my butt and DOING some of these things? She smiled and nodded, and since that day i'm making progress there too. Actually trying to meditate ( vs. reading about HOW to do it 500 different way ) makes a difference...even if I am horrible at it ;-)
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Ha! Yep, Scott. We're similar. 
With one therapist, I was telling her all about my progress that particular week or whatever... and I launched into telling her how I'd downloaded this program, and how I was organizing things within it, and cleaning up things on the computer, and all this extraneous 'stuff' that was all really just minutiae... getting lost in details. Gathering info, researching, reading, preparing for...
With one therapist, I was telling her all about my progress that particular week or whatever... and I launched into telling her how I'd downloaded this program, and how I was organizing things within it, and cleaning up things on the computer, and all this extraneous 'stuff' that was all really just minutiae... getting lost in details. Gathering info, researching, reading, preparing for...
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Awesome post! I am also not a huge counter of days because for me, sobriety is a new life. I am not thinking "OH THANK GOD I made it another day, let's mark that on my calendar...another day of misery BUT I am surviving". I mean early on ok, but after a year...I want to be happy! I don't want to be fighting alcohol and I am not (Thank God). I want to live and be free and happy!
My sponsor told me it was not enough to stop doing the bad things (smoking, drinking, eating crap). I needed to stop doing those things AND add in new, good things. Things like walking, cooking healthy meals, getting some hobbies etc. Sobriety is not about just quitting drinking....its about a whole new life.
My sponsor told me it was not enough to stop doing the bad things (smoking, drinking, eating crap). I needed to stop doing those things AND add in new, good things. Things like walking, cooking healthy meals, getting some hobbies etc. Sobriety is not about just quitting drinking....its about a whole new life.
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Such a helpful message, SP. I've had a similar experience.
Back when I was really struggling with unhappiness, my husband used to say "you gotta 'work the upside'", meaning build on the positives. [This was back when I was still drinking, and neither of us had figured out the role alcohol was playing in my unhappiness]. I never knew what he meant, because I was stuck in my thoughts -- trying to "think through" why I was unhappy, trying to "talk myself into" being happy.
When I decided to get sober, I started taking actions in the real world to support that decision. Surprisingly, those actions also started to resolve my feelings of unhappiness. There has been a lot of trial and error. But when I've tried a particular action (like exercise), and saw that it improved my mood, I kept doing that. I dropped activities that worsened my mood (like sitting around thinking about the past).
I think it's about developing lots of little habits that are positive and healthy, and choosing to do these every day. Working the upside.
Back when I was really struggling with unhappiness, my husband used to say "you gotta 'work the upside'", meaning build on the positives. [This was back when I was still drinking, and neither of us had figured out the role alcohol was playing in my unhappiness]. I never knew what he meant, because I was stuck in my thoughts -- trying to "think through" why I was unhappy, trying to "talk myself into" being happy.
When I decided to get sober, I started taking actions in the real world to support that decision. Surprisingly, those actions also started to resolve my feelings of unhappiness. There has been a lot of trial and error. But when I've tried a particular action (like exercise), and saw that it improved my mood, I kept doing that. I dropped activities that worsened my mood (like sitting around thinking about the past).
I think it's about developing lots of little habits that are positive and healthy, and choosing to do these every day. Working the upside.
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Working the upside ... brilliant. Yep, I agree. Lots of little habits and doing things a bit differently, doing and not so much thinking or preparing to do.
Good stuff, Tursiops.
Nice to see you, Bunny, btw! Glad you're doing well.
Yep, I agree. Lots of little habits and doing things a bit differently, doing and not so much thinking or preparing to do. Good stuff, Tursiops.
Nice to see you, Bunny, btw!
Glad you're doing well.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Change is hard, especially when it comes to addiction. For me, it finally came down to a decision...either die a premature, horrible death or start living. Once I saw it in those terms, it became a much easier decision. It only took 29 years, but I think I finally figured that out...your mileage may vary
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I am amazed at the strength of character and intelligence shown in your post SP. Looking around this site I would guess a lot of people could relate, and in my case, I certainly wished I could have followed your example, notwithstanding computers were not around back then. then.
But I couldn't. I was messed up physically and mentally, had no life experience, no sober years to look at, malnutrition and brain damage. I could not hold a thought, let alone set a goal. It took me six weeks before I could say the serenty prayer without having to read it off the wall. A major decision for me was what socks to wear.
I came to AA as the last resort, feeling utterly hopeless and believing it was not possible to recover. I never even took a note of the date of my last drink. I heard a statistic somewhere that 50% of those that really tried recovered at once. I somehow gathered that the God thing, for which I had no feeling, was central to the process, and the steps were the path to the God thing. So I got to chasing the God thing. I did not focus on not drinking.
90 days in I get a call from my sponsor to tell me I had been sober 90 days. I had no idea. I had never been sober that long. I had gone pretty much all that time without even thinking about a drink.
Then the story gets very similar to your SP. There had been (and had to be) some major changes in the way I lived and the way I saw the world. I had to change and I was willing to change (change what and into what I had no idea) but I did not engineer the change myself. It seems other people were much more aware of the changes than I was, and my world began to heal and I was part of the human race again.
That 50% number rings true today in terms of how people get on who really try by getting into those steps and going after that God thngy. That's my experience. Equally, not a lot of people who see that option actually take it up
But I couldn't. I was messed up physically and mentally, had no life experience, no sober years to look at, malnutrition and brain damage. I could not hold a thought, let alone set a goal. It took me six weeks before I could say the serenty prayer without having to read it off the wall. A major decision for me was what socks to wear.
I came to AA as the last resort, feeling utterly hopeless and believing it was not possible to recover. I never even took a note of the date of my last drink. I heard a statistic somewhere that 50% of those that really tried recovered at once. I somehow gathered that the God thing, for which I had no feeling, was central to the process, and the steps were the path to the God thing. So I got to chasing the God thing. I did not focus on not drinking.
90 days in I get a call from my sponsor to tell me I had been sober 90 days. I had no idea. I had never been sober that long. I had gone pretty much all that time without even thinking about a drink.
Then the story gets very similar to your SP. There had been (and had to be) some major changes in the way I lived and the way I saw the world. I had to change and I was willing to change (change what and into what I had no idea) but I did not engineer the change myself. It seems other people were much more aware of the changes than I was, and my world began to heal and I was part of the human race again.
That 50% number rings true today in terms of how people get on who really try by getting into those steps and going after that God thngy. That's my experience. Equally, not a lot of people who see that option actually take it up
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I didn't use strength of character or intelligence when I made habit changes, Gottalife. I did it out of desperation to change and have a better life. I didn't 'orchestrate' or 'engineer' so much as I fumbled, one foot in front of the other, and at times, several steps backward in the process.
I appreciate your life experiences and how you got sober as much as anyone's here.
I appreciate your life experiences and how you got sober as much as anyone's here.
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Originally Posted by Soberpotamus 
I didn't use strength of character or intelligence when I made habit changes, Gottalife. I did it out of desperation to change and have a better life. I didn't 'orchestrate' or 'engineer' so much as I fumbled, one foot in front of the other, and at times, several steps backward in the process.
I appreciate your life experiences and how you got sober as much as anyone's here.
I appreciate your life experiences and how you got sober as much as anyone's here.
I was interested in your comment about changing habits, which I think is pretty relavent. Routines and rituals seem to play a big part in people drinking and set off triggers when they try to stop. That is what I have picked up reading here.
In my own case I had only one habit, drinking at every oppportunity, and I could not seem to break it. I had every intention of adopting new habits, got plenty of helpful advice and support and really wanted to change.
But when the crunch came, I just could not carry it off. It was a source of immense frustration and disappointment. I can understand how a few alcoholics I have known have been so full of despair at this that they have taken their own lives.
There will be loads of alcoholics out there who will be able to follow in your foot steps, follow your excellent example.
What I have written is more for the few of us who can't, who look at examples such as yours and cry "why can't I do that!" Those ones can take heart that they can recover, it just might take a slightly different approach.
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I was going to include soberpotamus's quote and then the first person to respond to her ...but as I kept reading posts I wanted to quote and respond to everyone's. SP I am glad to hear you had some steps backwards on your journey (cuz it gives me hope when I do the same) but more importantly I am soooo impressed with where you are now and the way you navigated your journey.
I can't say enough how positive and truly meaningful you all are with respect to this. I am so new to this forum and journey -3 days- but so incredibly thankful for all of you and your honesty!!!
I can't say enough how positive and truly meaningful you all are with respect to this. I am so new to this forum and journey -3 days- but so incredibly thankful for all of you and your honesty!!!
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Man, soberpotamus. You nailed it.
Once I realized I had done all the thinking I could do, I tried actually doing some of the things I always talked about. This is where its at. The true relief to my guilt and anxiety was positive ACTION.
After awhile I came to believe that greatness can be (and often is) built upon small increments of purposefull action.
So, now if I'm intimidated, I make a step. Then I make another. Like you, I look back once in awhile and think "Well ain't that somethin!"
Once I realized I had done all the thinking I could do, I tried actually doing some of the things I always talked about. This is where its at. The true relief to my guilt and anxiety was positive ACTION.
After awhile I came to believe that greatness can be (and often is) built upon small increments of purposefull action.
So, now if I'm intimidated, I make a step. Then I make another. Like you, I look back once in awhile and think "Well ain't that somethin!"
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great post(op) and great responses ,too
I especially liked the idea of creating new, good habits with less emphasis on ridding one's self of old ,bad habits. Of course they should be ended, but the best way is to take action to develop new better ones, so many or enough that there simply is no time left for the discarded ones. And that really is changing your life, the things you choose to do. Man, hippos are smart and write really well , glad SR has them
I especially liked the idea of creating new, good habits with less emphasis on ridding one's self of old ,bad habits. Of course they should be ended, but the best way is to take action to develop new better ones, so many or enough that there simply is no time left for the discarded ones. And that really is changing your life, the things you choose to do. Man, hippos are smart and write really well , glad SR has them
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Thanks for your post, soberpotamous. I'm sure it will help a lot of people. For me, there weren't any huge changes, although I have addressed my negative thought patterns. Basically, I just had to get out of the habit of drinking starting every day at 5pm. I know that sounds simplistic but it has worked for me.
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