nicegirlwny

Hello all, I'm hoping to get some help understanding what to do/say when someone you love is on the verge of relapse. My one-year relationship recently ended and he's in relapse...as I think about it, I knew something was off but never said or did anything. Not that it's my fault or responsibility that he chose to drink again, but if it were you, what's the most meaningful thing a loved one could say to support you if you had your toes at the edge of the pool? Or would there be anything anyone could say or do to help? And if you'd relapsed, what would you really need to hear? I really appreciate your feedback...thanks ☺

AnonSara

The message that you can always choose start again or make a new plan is very powerful to me. As far as anything that someone could have said before my last relapse, I couldn't tell you that anything worked. There was a lot of meaningful and heartfelt messages being directed to me but I was not willing to listen. I had relapsed long before the chemicals entered my body.

Berrybean

If he's on the edge of a relapse? ? I'd ask him to remind me why he quit drinking in the first place and then ask him if that's really where he wants to go back to and risk staying. I'd ask him what he thinks will happen if he takes a drink. Later that night. Later that week. Later that year. And further down the line. He presumably knows the answer to these questions but he's letting his AV have the last word. Chances are that nothing you say will make the slightest bit of difference. Most relapses happen mentally way before they happen physically with taking a drink. Worth a shot though.

To be honest, this isn't a time for romance or tender meaningful words. After all, this is no paddling pool he's considering dabbling his toes in. It's a shark infested vortex that is likely to suck him in and spit his dry bones out for you to romance.

What are your intentions if he relapses? To stay or go? If you stay it could well be worth your time to go to some Al Anon meetings.

ScottFromWI

Unfortunately there's not a whole lot you can say or do if he's not willing to stay sober for himself. You can certainly recommend he seek help for his addiction.

Ultimatums are not usually very successful, and it sounds as though you've already ended the relationship, correct?

bigguyslimm

I agree with the other comments on here. It's good to remind the person of what made them quit in the first place. You want to encourage them, and try to stick with him as he deals with this. It's so hard to deal with an addict, but most just need a little help, and encouragement.

TryingSoHard

First - the most meaningful thing a loved one could say to support me if I had my toes at the edge of the pool, or could they say or do anything to help: in all honesty, there is probably nothing that could be said that would make me see the light. Logically I already know all of these things. It's not a rational or logical thing. I know it's really hard to understand when you're watching someone else do these awful things to themselves... trust me, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me, either, and I've been the one doing it.

Secondly - what do I need to hear if I relapse: this one is easier. That you still love me. That you still believe in me. That there's still hope... I'm not a lost cause. There is NOTHING you can say to me that will hurt more than things I've said/thought to myself. I despise myself and what I've done. I need to know that someone out there still thinks I'm worth saving.

Thank you for asking. I know how hard this must be for you. I'm sorry for your pain.

Introspectator

Sadly, in my experience, there isn't a thing anyone can say once my mind is already committed to drinking the poison...

Alcoholism

zjw

Tough one if I relapsed I'd hope someone would drag me kicking and screaming to aa or that I'd find my way here but I might flip out if someone tried to take me toad and i might blatantly refuse to come to this site. I might even drag my feet about getting sober for decades to come putting off etc as my condition worsens or who knows I might promptly snap out of it. Tho I think a gentle compassionate voice not willing to give up on me would work sooner or later but that's me.

Bird615

This.

When I told my sister that I had started drinking again, she told me that she still loved me no matter what. She allowed me to find my own way and didn't feel the need to tell me anything. At the same time, if I got too drunk when on the phone with her, she would lovingly tell me she'd talk to me another time, so she didn't put up with my b.s. either.

I believe it was her compassion and non-judgement that helped me finally choose sobriety again. As was mentioned, there is nothing I didn't already know or hadn't already said to myself; she just let me know that she'd always be there for me and that I didn't need to keep hurting myself.

It's kind of more than that, but I can't find the words to explain it. I truly believe that her way of dealing with it helped to save my life.