Shaken after last night, can't deal with it alone
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 206
Shaken after last night, can't deal with it alone
It's been three steps forward, one step back for me and sometimes two. Last year I had dramatic ups and also some of the most dramatic downs of my entire adult life. I don't like coming on here and making excuses for why I keep going on the wagon and then falling off of it again. But I also feel like I should be posting more about my experience, just to hold myself accountable. I don't want to act like I can hide the truth.
Where I'm at now is that I had 9 days sober and I was cruising along and feeling great and then on Tuesday evening I drank 5 glasses of wine and then 2 beers with very little food. I'm 130 lbs and after 9 days sober my tolerance was already lowered so yea, man was I sick this morning. Soooooo sick, it was horrendous. I also got into an online fight with a SO who also has a drinking problem and was also drunk. He's verbally abusive (not when he's sober, when he's drunk) and he called me a w***e and a slew of other bad names and said a whole bunch of totally irrational things about me. Once he fixates on insulting me, it's impossible to change the subject. Because he does this, if he's been drinking I've learned to exit before things escalate into some random uncalled for tirade against me, but when I'm ALSO drunk, then I end up entertaining his nonsense and it just goes all bad. He's a binge drinker, not a daily one like me. Last night's conversation with him has me pretty shaken, as well as the drinking episode.
This time I'm going to do something different. Instead of letting myself be defeated and telling myself if I'm gonna screw up I might as well screw up all the way and therefore go on an extended bender, I'm just going to let this be just one bad night, a mistake, a wrong turn instead of a long winding detour, and get right back on the path again. I feel like it's okay to make mistakes, it's just not okay to turn a mistake into a temporary lifestyle. I want to make this mistake something that was consumed by sobriety instead of the other way around; it needs to be something my sobriety survived, instead of treating it like oh well I guess I have to start over from square one again now. I don't want to just keep changing the sober date--to me that just seems like letting myself off the hook.
I've been able to commit to sobriety for weeks and sometimes many months at a time, but I don't think I can say that I've ever actually committed to a long-term sobriety that wasn't subject to certain conditions. I at least understand that drying out isn't good enough, nor is just being more comprehensively healthy--at least not for me. There has to be recovery too, I get that. I've been doing a lot of reading which helps and I attend recovery meetings to help me with other issues, but I have yet to attend a meeting for alcohol abuse/alcoholism. I'm not sure what's taking me so long...I'm afraid I won't be able to do it, or something, afraid I won't relate, I don't know. Even though I know that surely as long as I keep an open mind I'll be able to take what's there for me and use it, I'm still reticent. It's pretty clear I need that sort of help, though, and a lot of help in general. I don't know why it's so hard to go.
I feel like I'm breaking through this wall of intense grief with the other work I'm doing on myself, which makes me more triggered and vulnerable to drink. I'm going abroad in a month for an extended trip, so I'm not currently seeing a therapist although it's pretty clear to me that I should be seeing one at least once a week to process all this...I feel concerned about my emotional well-being, doing all this by myself.
Where I'm at now is that I had 9 days sober and I was cruising along and feeling great and then on Tuesday evening I drank 5 glasses of wine and then 2 beers with very little food. I'm 130 lbs and after 9 days sober my tolerance was already lowered so yea, man was I sick this morning. Soooooo sick, it was horrendous. I also got into an online fight with a SO who also has a drinking problem and was also drunk. He's verbally abusive (not when he's sober, when he's drunk) and he called me a w***e and a slew of other bad names and said a whole bunch of totally irrational things about me. Once he fixates on insulting me, it's impossible to change the subject. Because he does this, if he's been drinking I've learned to exit before things escalate into some random uncalled for tirade against me, but when I'm ALSO drunk, then I end up entertaining his nonsense and it just goes all bad. He's a binge drinker, not a daily one like me. Last night's conversation with him has me pretty shaken, as well as the drinking episode.
This time I'm going to do something different. Instead of letting myself be defeated and telling myself if I'm gonna screw up I might as well screw up all the way and therefore go on an extended bender, I'm just going to let this be just one bad night, a mistake, a wrong turn instead of a long winding detour, and get right back on the path again. I feel like it's okay to make mistakes, it's just not okay to turn a mistake into a temporary lifestyle. I want to make this mistake something that was consumed by sobriety instead of the other way around; it needs to be something my sobriety survived, instead of treating it like oh well I guess I have to start over from square one again now. I don't want to just keep changing the sober date--to me that just seems like letting myself off the hook.
I've been able to commit to sobriety for weeks and sometimes many months at a time, but I don't think I can say that I've ever actually committed to a long-term sobriety that wasn't subject to certain conditions. I at least understand that drying out isn't good enough, nor is just being more comprehensively healthy--at least not for me. There has to be recovery too, I get that. I've been doing a lot of reading which helps and I attend recovery meetings to help me with other issues, but I have yet to attend a meeting for alcohol abuse/alcoholism. I'm not sure what's taking me so long...I'm afraid I won't be able to do it, or something, afraid I won't relate, I don't know. Even though I know that surely as long as I keep an open mind I'll be able to take what's there for me and use it, I'm still reticent. It's pretty clear I need that sort of help, though, and a lot of help in general. I don't know why it's so hard to go.
I feel like I'm breaking through this wall of intense grief with the other work I'm doing on myself, which makes me more triggered and vulnerable to drink. I'm going abroad in a month for an extended trip, so I'm not currently seeing a therapist although it's pretty clear to me that I should be seeing one at least once a week to process all this...I feel concerned about my emotional well-being, doing all this by myself.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Violet,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I think that confronting the things that upset you and also doing the best to clear them out of your life (or at least neutralize them) is a critical step, so I applaud you for picking yourself up again.
What is your thought about what you will do to keep on track with your progress while you are abroad? If you're not sure, is it possible that you could find someone here that might be willing to do counseling via Skype with you? I think that's not such an unusual thing anymore.
For me, I went to a psychologist for two years and it really helped with some things. But not with the drinking. I should have stopped drinking first, but that's not the way it worked out. Things probably would have progressed a lot faster had I stopped drinking first and got to the counseling later. Not sure I'd have been able to handle both at once. Then again - I wasn't seeing a person who specializes in addiction. That probably would have been the best.
I'm not telling you all of that so you know about me, but to give you some things to think about for what's the next right thing for you.
Take care
O
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I think that confronting the things that upset you and also doing the best to clear them out of your life (or at least neutralize them) is a critical step, so I applaud you for picking yourself up again.
What is your thought about what you will do to keep on track with your progress while you are abroad? If you're not sure, is it possible that you could find someone here that might be willing to do counseling via Skype with you? I think that's not such an unusual thing anymore.
For me, I went to a psychologist for two years and it really helped with some things. But not with the drinking. I should have stopped drinking first, but that's not the way it worked out. Things probably would have progressed a lot faster had I stopped drinking first and got to the counseling later. Not sure I'd have been able to handle both at once. Then again - I wasn't seeing a person who specializes in addiction. That probably would have been the best.
I'm not telling you all of that so you know about me, but to give you some things to think about for what's the next right thing for you.
Take care
O
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
This is the type of stuff that happens when one drinks, and that's why I had to stop and stay stopped.
Even if you're struggling with other issues which make you feel tempted to drink, your life will be better and calmer, and free of things like what just happened, if you stay off the booze 100% with no exceptions ever.
Good luck.
Even if you're struggling with other issues which make you feel tempted to drink, your life will be better and calmer, and free of things like what just happened, if you stay off the booze 100% with no exceptions ever.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I'm sorry for your struggle (hug)
I've been advised after many years of struggle that I need to look at all things together. I need to stay sober and I need to deal with my "other issues". I've been told to do both together .... contingent on building a good support group for both.
The biggest thing that can get you through is not to ever give up on sobriety. To always pick yourself up and do the deal again. To do the very best you can and when you stumble...start right back ... no excuses, just go at it again.
Hope this helps. My heart is with you (hug)
I've been advised after many years of struggle that I need to look at all things together. I need to stay sober and I need to deal with my "other issues". I've been told to do both together .... contingent on building a good support group for both.
The biggest thing that can get you through is not to ever give up on sobriety. To always pick yourself up and do the deal again. To do the very best you can and when you stumble...start right back ... no excuses, just go at it again.
Hope this helps. My heart is with you (hug)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Hi. Yep, I hated the roller coaster of drinking, sobering up for a few days, then falling. Each time I fell harder and harder. The only thing that has kept me sober is working AA's 12 Steps of Recovery. I wish you all the best. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I remember feeling the same. Thankfully, for me, that surrender to the fact I needed help took me to the rooms of AA - eventually (after many attempts to get to a meeting saw me just walking straight past the door and home again). I never in a thousand years could have imagined what AA could do for me - two years (tomorrow) down the line and my life is completely different - from the inside anyway. The job and relationship and being 'me' which all seemed so hopeless and unmanageable before, is actually pretty much fine now. Of course, recovery doesn't mean that life is suddenly peachey all the time - it gives us the tools to live comfortably, and deal with life on lifes terms without reaching for a drink.
There are lots of options for help out there - please give some a go.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery.
There are lots of options for help out there - please give some a go.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 206
Thanks everyone for your replies. I actually went to a meeting yesterday. I'm pleased that I made it there, and it was helpful to be in a room full of people focused on sobriety. I guess the good news is that lately when I get into a dark place, I'm more likely to try and do something to help myself. But I know I'm not out of the woods-sometimes it feels like I'm barely hanging in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Obladi 
Violet,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I think that confronting the things that upset you and also doing the best to clear them out of your life (or at least neutralize them) is a critical step, so I applaud you for picking yourself up again.
What is your thought about what you will do to keep on track with your progress while you are abroad? If you're not sure, is it possible that you could find someone here that might be willing to do counseling via Skype with you? I think that's not such an unusual thing anymore.
For me, I went to a psychologist for two years and it really helped with some things. But not with the drinking. I should have stopped drinking first, but that's not the way it worked out. Things probably would have progressed a lot faster had I stopped drinking first and got to the counseling later. Not sure I'd have been able to handle both at once. Then again - I wasn't seeing a person who specializes in addiction. That probably would have been the best.
I'm not telling you all of that so you know about me, but to give you some things to think about for what's the next right thing for you.
Take care
O
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I think that confronting the things that upset you and also doing the best to clear them out of your life (or at least neutralize them) is a critical step, so I applaud you for picking yourself up again.
What is your thought about what you will do to keep on track with your progress while you are abroad? If you're not sure, is it possible that you could find someone here that might be willing to do counseling via Skype with you? I think that's not such an unusual thing anymore.
For me, I went to a psychologist for two years and it really helped with some things. But not with the drinking. I should have stopped drinking first, but that's not the way it worked out. Things probably would have progressed a lot faster had I stopped drinking first and got to the counseling later. Not sure I'd have been able to handle both at once. Then again - I wasn't seeing a person who specializes in addiction. That probably would have been the best.
I'm not telling you all of that so you know about me, but to give you some things to think about for what's the next right thing for you.
Take care
O
I see my emotional/psychological issues and my alcohol issues as separate things that interact with one another. At this point I seem to be making more significant progress in the first area, but I understand that alcohol will only ****** that progress. Trying to handle both does seem overwhelming at times. At the same time, I don't want to lose momentum. I think I need to just keep reaching out instead of struggling on my own.
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