Kallistia

For someone that knows so many people it amazes me that I don't have any real friends.

Everyone I speak with cannot go for five minutes without talking about themselves...I don't know if I sound selfish or self-centered for saying that or not. I started scaling back from one group I associated with because they all had their own problems going on, family illnesses, family drama, mourning a prior death, and I honestly just started finding it exhausting to be this constant fount of support for every single problem that happened with any of these people.

Another friend I see at least once a week is becoming completely abhorrent to me because it's always constant exaggeration and embellishment, she can't just be allergic to penicillin, it has to be anaphylactic allergic and a long winded thirty minute diatribe about how even touching the capsule will put her in the hospital but her husband doesn't believe her and it all started when she was six weeks old...I reached the point where I was sitting there staring at her thinking "why do I hang out with you?" She's menstruating every two weeks but her doctor won't give her a hysterectomy, oh she thinks she has copd but no one's going to make her quit smoking, she messed her shoulder up again (doing what the doctor specifically told her not to after the surgery) - we had a murder several months back of a young woman and she had somehow after a few weeks figured out that she was distantly related to the girl through relatives on her grandmothers side...and then it was the end of the world hysterical that her dearest sweet cousin has been murdered and she never deserved that tear tear cry cry and I'm like staring blankly listening to the hysterics because she had never even met the girl and didn't even know of the relation until weeks after the girl had been found.

Dude I know...he'll call...or message me...and I am at the point I avoid answering or responding. He automatically goes straight into every problem he's having in his life, telling me all about his children, family drama, neighbor drama, how everything is awful and...I genuinely think "why did you even ask how I was doing?"

I'm not going to go through them one by one...I realized I started doing that...every person I talk to...I can't even talk to them...whenever I contact them they talk at me for as long as I'll listen about everything going on with them and then when they have exhausted their supply of problems they're off the phone leaving me wondering why I even bothered.

I know I sound like a bad friend, I even asked advice of some people I know on different ways to shift the conversation away from the topic constantly being their life and everything that's wrong with it...I had one tell me "well maybe she doesn't need a friend like you"

I don't feel that I'm wrong to want any of the people I know to stop using me as their dumping ground. I don't think it's wrong to want someone to say "hey, --------, I was just thinking of you and wanted to call and see how you were doing?"

I just spoke with someone I know, I'm having a problem with a program on my computer. I'm still having the problem with the program on my computer and I'm ignoring his text messages because instead of trying to help figure out what's wrong with my computer he immediately started sending me pictures of his camping trip because he apparently did not tell me enough about it while he was on it. He gets mad when I stop responding to his messages. Well...you know...

Thanks. Thanks so much.

I'm doing great. Thanks for asking.

I don't actually know a single person that is concerned with my well-being. Not one. I don't have a single person that I can call on the phone that isn't going to start going off about everything that's wrong in their life...every problem they have.

Do I sound selfish? I've reached the point where I'm actually isolating myself from the people that I know because I cannot tolerate even being around them. I'm sick of hearing about their problems. I'm sick of every single conversation being completely about them and their issues. I'm sick of being their therapist.

Thankfully the bf understand and listens to me rant about the people ranting to me...he thinks it's funny. Not the situations but my annoyance with the situations...he starts laughing whenever I say "oh it's okay, no one cares what I have to say anyway!!" and that I've mastered a "stop talking" facial expression...

Hell, maybe I am being selfish and self-centered. I'm going off because I haven't heard from a single person I know today other than the bf who had to work and just wanted to let me know he's taking a nap and then I try to talk to someone and it's "CAMPING TRIP CAMPING TRIP CAMPING TRIP!"

I'm great. Thanks for asking. lol

ScottFromWI

Hope you feel better Kallistia

You may need to consider setting some boundaries with some of these people.

Kallistia

It just frustrates me. I wish people would call me not only because they're having a problem. I'm tired of listening and honestly I'm tired of helping...it's exhausting.

I like the phrase "you just think you're better than everyone" - I've heard that one a few times from people I've refused to help anymore. They're my biggest fans because they love to tell other people I know what a horrible person I am now that I won't be their crutch.

I want out of this town. This small little town where everyone knows everyone and everyone is in everyone's business. I have 16 unread text messages ranging from someone being upset that someone else I know won't talk to them, someone needing to borrow money, someone mad that there's a rodent infestation in their apartment complex, someone needing a ride, someone mad that their neighbor just showed up at their house without calling first, etc.

No.

These people can call me when they're in a good mood, aren't going to bring me drama, and actually have something to talk about that isn't a damn personal problem.

zjw

I can see it you offer good uplifting advice here etc I can see how this can be

The one with the cousin tho lol my wife had a friend like that I'd be rolling my eyes saying that is why I have no friends

I get your gripes the i stared blankly at folks myself wanting to just get up and walk away some times

I can also be that one that uses someone else as my sounding board never asking how they are I'm guilty your reminding me how they may feel lol

advbike

Of course friends have always shared their problems with other friends, but it seems we live in a culture where it has become okay to talk about all of our problems publicly now. It used to not be.

Also, some people no longer understand there has to be a give and take. They just want to talk about themselves, their kids, etc. indefinitely. And some of us, myself included, find it hard to politely interrupt. There is an art to social graces that seems to have been lost in recent generations.

Heck, social media is all about that. Talking about yourself publicly. Not for me, haha. I don't use social media. And as for the long phone calls? There's a solution. Moving overseas put an end to that. The key is to just don't make yourself as available for those that abuse your friendship.

zjw

Yeah some times you gotta be the bad guy oh well what you are describing sounds like a fair amt of drama.

I'm sitting here going huh I guess that's what having a social life is like?

Kallistia

I have a cat. I've had this cat since May.

I already had four cats, two I got from an elderly woman who could no longer care for them but didn't want to take them to the pound, a kitten I got for my son about a year after the first two and I said "three is good, this is a good number of cats"

Then about a year and a half ago it was storming and I opened my door to a little orange kitten huddled up in the corner of my door and my door jamb and was like "huh...well I guess you live here now" and then there was four and four was plenty.

But my friend was moving and she needed somewhere for her cat to go for a couple of weeks. It's been six months!! This cat is the devil!! She always has a reason she can't get the cat and I don't want to just dump the cat, but this cat is satan incarnate!! She sits in my stairs like a ticked off gray storm cloud of rage!! And it attacks my other cats and the cat needs to go!! I'm like...why do I still have this cat???

zjw

I get cats for the yard they love it out there and keep the mice out of the garden everyone wins but sometimes they run off one got hit by a car one got poisoned by a neighbor. Point is overall in my case the population kinda just works itself out now we got this new kitten I'm like off I hope he sticks around and doesn't get hit by a car or something.

Cats are something reality is your cats are probably wondering when you'll leave they are tired of taking care of you lol. They say you live with a cat but a dog lives with you.

Bellamiaa

Ugh, cats. I have two and they just figured out the doggy door today. They are not outside cats. Idk what to do now because my dog is gonna pee in the house if I cover it. Ugh.

I get your problem. People love to talk about themselves. I saw a quote once "most people don't listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply". When I saw that it made so much sense. Put your foot down. Or make a joke "oh yeah, I'm good, thanks for asking. lol jk"
Lol

CurlyGirl1978

Kallistia sorry you have attracted so many associates who just wanna dump their problems on you without checking on your well being. I have a friend who just told me 3 weeks ago that it'd be nice if our convo was more of a give and take as well. Since then I say a little bit and then start asking about him. He laughed and said "Good job!" lol

Oh and cats, my cat is mourning his brother running away so he just meows and meows allllllllll day. I hold him but it's never enough, so then I open the door and say, "Go find him then!" (shame on me I know lol)

Berrybean

I think sometimes we choose different friends when we are drinking to those we might choose when we are sober. I suspect that all these people are carrying on just like they ever did, but (in sobriety) you've changed. Maybe you don't need to feel like you're looking after people to deserve their friendship like you once did. I think that can be fairly common as we start liking ourselves a bit better and recognise that we deserve reciprocal friendships.

You know - you can pull away from these people. And you can say no. That's okay, and it doesn't make you a selfish person

Carver

Yeah, this is why I only have one real friend. But it's more to do with me than them maybe. I just don't care enough to listen to other people's problems 😂

biminiblue

I have a super low tolerance for people who vent as a lifestyle.

I find if I stop answering their texts or calls, eventually they stop texting or calling.

zjw

I like hearing the other side here. I can be that person that vents so much. before i sobered p and then for some time thereafter I swear i was running out of ears to listen to me. that scared me. but i still had so much bent up inside that i needed to get out at the same time.

I do better these days and try to stop myself and try and force myself to ask how the other persons doing even if i dont care tho usually i do care or I start to care as soon as i start to listen to them.

back in my younger years tho I didnt like it when people went on endlessly complaining i'd always stop them and ask if they feel better yet? did they get it all out? are they done? did it solve anthing? can we move on now?

I worked one job we'd go to the bar after work and had a strict rule that we'd only complain about work for the first hour there after that we had to discuss our personal lives or some other topic other then work. that stopped the endless complaining all night long.

I'm slowly going back to that person i was before all the drinking and not venting as much but its a slow process.

fantail

What you're talking about here doesn't really sound like friendship, either the way you feel treated or the way you think about these people. I started to think maybe your perspective is a bit of an emotional one when it came to camping trip guy. I mean, if you call Best Buy and ask them to fix your computer and they start telling you about a camping trip, fair enough, that's unwelcome. But your friend sharing about something that made him happy, while you silently wish he would stop wanting to talk and just do the task you want him to do already, to prove to you that he's a good friend? That sounds like it comes from a place where you are seriously not enjoying being social.

You mention the small town thing... I've never really lived in one for very long, but it makes me wonder if you're spending time with people that you don't actually like because there aren't that many options. Some of these people sound unbearable, and the others it sounds like you're just not that interested in.

I think it sounds like a time to cut way back on your social life. Give the woman back her cat, tell the other person you won't lend them money, stop making "stop talking" faces and just tell people you're busy and can't talk. Spend more time alone. Get back to your friendships when (and if) you're feeling more positively about them, and only spend time with the people whose company you actually enjoy. And if there's something you want to talk about, don't wait for people to intuit... just start talking about it.

That's my two cents anyway.