Paulos

to those who know me- no longer a drinker/addict, just the one who was molested *30 year old male here* by my female therapist-

If this vent is inappropriate, feel free to remove it.

Yeah it's just me again, having a tough... er day than my usuals ... just wanted to I guess bring you my result of late I guess... just feels like this horrible, horrible beast is building inside of me as I try to resist the thought of Rachel, and it only-gets-worse by the day, it's a downer and yet it's also a stimulant... I at this point- even miss the abuse, I miss ... what she once was, I am once again, truly lost with this. something tells me I don't have much time left, my willpower and durability is shot and I'm losing more by the day by this.

i guess i don't know what else to say, sorry to even type this just ... I, I should have never had what I had with her, she KNEW THAT IN HER PROFESSION- SHE KNEW THAT. but... this is my fault entirely, and whenever I try to get over it the reminder of what happened and what I had, what she did to me I just ... hate and at the same time in desperation, I still love... how wrong and pathetically misled I am. I am, truly sorry to ... whoever's even reading this, for making this long and arduous, it just gets hard to breathe even with this, some days are worse than others, this is one of the worst days, I really would have thought by 5 months I would have recovered.

I already made it clear she still works with children, her own patients like nothing ever happened- that's the ultimate injustice here to me, but ... I ... I ... I think I'm finally losing my mind about it. I think I need a better forum or something for people who were molested, but its' so hard to find someone who can understand being molested at my age, and by a female therapist, as a man.

-Paul ********

HereIAm321

It is not your fault at ALL.

She's a predator. She's an abuser. She should have her license taken away and never be allowed to practice EVER again.

She knew what she was doing. She knew that you would acquiesce. She preyed on you to get what she wanted. Whether or not she cared about you, or you about her, is irrelevant. She's a predator.

What makes this wrong is also what makes pedophilia wrong. What makes this wrong is also what makes teacher-student "relationships" wrong. In all of these situations, there's a power differential wherein the abused is open and vulnerable.

She ABUSED her power and took advantage of her position.

Many men are victims of abuse and rape, but it is too taboo to discuss. But you're not alone I'm sure of it.

REPORT this ****

Dee74

Hi Paulos

Have you been to the police or to whatever the regulatory board is for therapists in your state?

D

Anna

Paulos, my advice is the same as Dee's.

Go to the police and press charges against the therapist. That will help you to feel better and it will prevent her from hurting anyone else.

Paulos

I did, I reported her 100% to the autism bureau, the investigation came back negative in my case- and she is still free to work with her patients and children; while I ... am stuck with the memory and pain of this- I'm beyond at the end of my rope, I don't want to die, and yet there is no other choice. I am so damn close, I am so- damn, close- to, snapping and this woman does not even know how much of a problem she could have with me, throwing me aside after all the lies, innuendos, laughs, jokes, gifts she would use on me ... only to push me aside like I was dirt- hah... some justice eh? The double standard once more, but even that, still, the police ... they are in the back pocket of the bureau as well. Pennsylvania rural areas are very difficult to claim abuse/rape when you're a male.

Paulos

Been up 19 hours also- after only 2 hours, I've had over 90+ nightmares of her in the past 150 days. I cannot sleep with ease ever again, everytime I do, it's either a dream of her and me happy and great until she shoots me in the head- or I'm being sexually assaulted exactly as I was in real life... I'm breaking down. i don't wnat this no more, I can't sta nd this no mor e e. she must have paid someone ofdf I don't know.

Paulos

My only wish now is ... that she really had killed me, not left me ... not like this, not ... like... this.

ScottFromWI

You need to go to the police Paul. I think you also know somewhere inside that you need to seek professional help that you can trust. That may be difficult but your fears and issues run much deeper than a sobriety forum will be able to help with. You ellude to this in your first post and it is true.

Paulos

No I don't "ELUDE" to it. They'll say I asked for it, and since I have no video/recorded evidence and therefore will say I am a low functioning autistic who got the wrong idea about a woman's advances, it's already been done- I know ... how the double standard works. Makes me just want to just find ... nevermind.

ScottFromWI

I meant that you eluded to the fact that you may need more than a forum to help. You need to speak with the authorities about the abuse..that's fairly straightforward.

Morning Glory

I gave you this link before. Did you ever try the forum? They will understand what you are going through. If I remember right, they do have a forum for men. Pandora's Aquarium

Jeni26

I have used that forum Paulos. There are many people who understand. Please reach out for the right help.

And yes, many men post there.

kaito

I don't know you or your full situation, but even though you are in such pain I was moved by your writing. Hang in there. You may not feel it now but you are so strong to still be here. Right now, if you've done what you can, you might try taking a hot bath, tea, or calming music and the like. I hope you can find someone to talk to, and remembering, this place is always here for you

HereIAm321

I agree with the others here, there must be some other avenues to try.
Do you have any friends or family?
Any support networks?
Do you go to AA or NA meetings?
Is there an Autism/Asperger's group to meet with in your area?

Soberwolf

I agree with D, Anna & Scott