davaidavai

I've been called a weirdo many many times, but never beautiful. Thanks for that, don't know what to make of it. You've gone and made me cry, you jerk! Just kidding.

Tooshabby

I love you, davai. Stick with us......you are a beautiful person......

advbike

You're doing great, man. You're perceptive, sensitive, insightful and expressive. A lot of women really like that. I'll trade places with you anytime, haha. Enjoy that adventure and don't listen to your ego.

Tooshabby

Seconded :-) Very fitting adjectives!

Delfin

Corn tortillas with beans and nopalitos...yummmm. It's great that you're enjoying the food. Simple pleasures.

Delfin

Tooshabby

Yes, I love Mexican food too. I went to Turkey for a month many years ago. They have the same simplicity to their food - great meat and fresh bread and salads. For breakfast they have olives, feta cheese, cucumber, tomato and fresh white bread. It was lovely and fresh first thing, although I admit I did eagerly hit the only McDonalds there in Istanbul after a month of it.

davaidavai

Had two drinks this evening. It was interesting. One Sol tall boy and another one of those jack and soda in a can things. I sat around in the hostel lobby looking at my computer, surrounded by other people looking at their phones. Then I ate some horrible Chinese food and ordered a taquila I couldn't bring myself to drink. Then I felt ****** for a couple hours watching homeland episodes.

But the interesting thing was that the old pitiable, repulsive, bummish self, crept out. I had that ugly feeling, that certainty, and when I saw myself in the mirror at the chinese buffet, I was surprised to see that I looked normal. I had been feeling self-assured and in control today. Then after a week of great food, I ate possibly the worst Chinese food I've ever had,, tried to drink some tequila but was just sort of grossed out.

Anyhow. I'm A OK. I think the trigger was thinking about intimacy, how I want that and how it's always come with alcohol. Like, if I want that, I need to learn to incorporate drinking because that is how people are intimate with each other. That is how I am/was, anyhow. I'm such a nervous person. So maybe this is what they mean by obsession.

Delfin

That sounds like a really great breakfast, actually, Shabby. Not as heavy as what Im used to for a proper breakfast. :-) Bacon and eggs with bacon on the side. Lol. I do hear the same thing from a lot of people about hitting McDonald's abroad. Absence makes the heart...?


Delfin

Delfin

I'm sure you can have intimacy without the alcohol, Dd. Give it a chance.

I have to say that tequila is not something I miss at all. Gave me some exorcist moments. Ugh.

Delfin

Tooshabby

Sounding good there, davai. I used to drink to overcome social anxiety and feel 'relaxed' around people. What I started noticing for me was that in the end it was just a social encumbrance - like trying to have a conversation with someone after being hit on the head with a baseball bat. It wasn't true intimacy either. I understand where you're coming from though - very well.

I thought that was funny that guy following behind you yesterday and laughing, and then your dry line...."I enjoyed it. Heh heh :-D I wonder what was up with him?!!

davaidavai

I remember when I used to have connections with people. It's been years. Those thrilling moments when it's so easy with someone. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. Maybe 4 or 5 years.

bigsombrero

C'mon, man! You're in Mexico City enjoying a new start on life and getting a cool experience. Intern's wage, schmintern's wage. You have a bed, good food, and nice surroundings. Loads of 27, 37, and 87 year-olds would love to be in your shoes! Sure, you can wallow in depression and hide behind tall boys, you wouldn't be the first to spend a potential life-changing experience that way.

But I reckon it might be a bit more enjoyable to get out there and do this thing sober. You don't have anything to prove to anyone - your "real life" isn't in the future, it's happening right now. Drop the booze and engage in what's happening around you. Conversations and interactions get a lot more interesting when you get a bit of sobriety under your belt. You want connections? Stop drinking the sauce and become more authentic. You can do it, man.

davaidavai

I'm alright, just thinking about how long it's been from vital connection. It amazes me. I've done pretty good holding up. A lot of people would have buckled. Hell, a lot of people can't comprehend the sensation.

Tooshabby

Great posts guys. I'm realising more and more just how much I was missing a sense of connection to others. It's kind of like I didn't know I was thirsty until I took some sips of water.

Delfin

Me too, guys. I'm convinced now that I wasn't fully connecting with people the whole time I was drinking. How could I really connect when I wasn't being my authentic self? I was diluting the real me with alcohol (or with its aftereffects-anxiety, shame, fatigue, etc.) I haven't dated or gotten close to anyone new since I got sober (about 3 1/2 months now), but I'm looking forward to it.

Delfin

davaidavai

I'm 37, never really had anyone. I get through though. All your boyfriends/girlfriends/wives/husbands, all that narrative is fantastic and embittering, although I don't hold it against anyone. I'm just astounded that people love people so much they don't jump ship at the first inkling of trouble. Or they actually, you know, make an effort of some kind.

davaidavai

Like, I drank for 20 years, lost my job, thrown in jail AND my girlfriend my leave me! What do I do now! I just think it's funny and awesome that you guys have people who want you so much. Legit awesome, because it makes the world make sense. That's what love is.

Tooshabby

I can only speak from my own experience, of course, but I felt after my marriage was over that I would *never* find 'love'. For one thing, I thought I wasn't capable of 'staying in love', because I had loved my husband so much in the beginning but I fell out of love and thought that meant I was deficient in some way - that it's all just infatuation and once that's over there's nothing. I was so, so wrong. It really does depend on who you are with. I mean, sure, you have your own weaknesses that show up in every relationship, but you are dealing with a completely different person, so the experience can be completely different. It takes two to tango, as they say! So from someone who was an utter cynic about love and thought the fairy tale was impossible, I'm happy to have proven myself very wrong.

davaidavai

Sounds like you're having a rich, human experience, tooshabby, and that is great. It's what I hear about, what's going on in books and movies. It's the thing that makes the world make sense. And although I'm not having it, I'm glad that you are, because otherwise, everything would just be pointless

Tooshabby

I absolutely hear what you are saying - an intimate, 'romantic' relationship is very special. But it's definitely not the be all and end all. For some reason I can see that more clearly now that I have 'it' than I did before. For me, my relationship with my partner is not unlike my other relationships in many respects; there's just 'more of it.' There's so much love to be shared outside of intimate relationships - and I'm not saying that with a sense of 'dismissiveness' about a sense of wanting or desire for something more. I really do get that and I felt it too .