Did anyone else find?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Did anyone else find?
That after they got sober their partner started to drive them a little bit crazy?
It seems like whatever he does he can't do right!
I love the man. I really do. And I know that I'm being somewhat unreasonable and overly sensitive but I can't help it. Things that I was letting slide when I was active in my addiction I can't let slide anymore. My expectations have changed and I don't know how to negotiate this with him. I realize that I can't make him comply or change him but I still want him to comply and change some of his behaviours!
I'm not sure if I should just chill out and let things naturally change or if I should be more active about it?
It seems like whatever he does he can't do right!
I love the man. I really do. And I know that I'm being somewhat unreasonable and overly sensitive but I can't help it. Things that I was letting slide when I was active in my addiction I can't let slide anymore. My expectations have changed and I don't know how to negotiate this with him. I realize that I can't make him comply or change him but I still want him to comply and change some of his behaviours!
I'm not sure if I should just chill out and let things naturally change or if I should be more active about it?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I became much more sensitive to everything around me when I got sober. It's important to remember that YOU are the one doing most of the changing, and for the better.
Also remember that all of these things that you notice now were things you either ignored or ran away from with alcohol before, now there are right there in front of you to deal with.
Pushing the issues probably won't be of much help, you yourself just said that you realize you can't make him comply but you want to anyway...imagine how he'll feel if you do try to make him change.
Work on what you can change - yourself and how you perceive others.
Also remember that all of these things that you notice now were things you either ignored or ran away from with alcohol before, now there are right there in front of you to deal with.
Pushing the issues probably won't be of much help, you yourself just said that you realize you can't make him comply but you want to anyway...imagine how he'll feel if you do try to make him change.
Work on what you can change - yourself and how you perceive others.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
I try to consider that my wife is sick as well and that it's primarily my fault due to my alcoholism. I'm not getting well overnight and neither will she.
As far as straightening stuff out you used to let go, I am working on that very slowly. I feel your frustration but when I look at what I put my family through it's easy to cut them some slack. I've also noticed that I'm more OCD without the booze and I can look at some of what irritates me and say "is it really that big of a deal?". Usually it's not.
One other thing. I'm not sure how long you have been sober but it takes quite awhile for the emotions to level out. About 6 months here. It can be a real rollercoaster.
As far as straightening stuff out you used to let go, I am working on that very slowly. I feel your frustration but when I look at what I put my family through it's easy to cut them some slack. I've also noticed that I'm more OCD without the booze and I can look at some of what irritates me and say "is it really that big of a deal?". Usually it's not.
One other thing. I'm not sure how long you have been sober but it takes quite awhile for the emotions to level out. About 6 months here. It can be a real rollercoaster.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
The old Toby Keith song comes to mind...
"Well I sobered up, and I got to thinkin',
Girl, ya ain't much fun since I quit drinkin'."
I was single the first time I made attempts at recovery, have been since. Five years since my ex and I split, but I can relate it to other relationships as well. I look at those moments as another chance to grow and examine myself rather than others. If/when romance comes again (and I just shuddered a little...heh), I hope I can keep that mindset.
"Always Believe!" -The Ultimate Warrior
"Well I sobered up, and I got to thinkin',
Girl, ya ain't much fun since I quit drinkin'."
I was single the first time I made attempts at recovery, have been since. Five years since my ex and I split, but I can relate it to other relationships as well. I look at those moments as another chance to grow and examine myself rather than others. If/when romance comes again (and I just shuddered a little...heh), I hope I can keep that mindset.
"Always Believe!" -The Ultimate Warrior
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
I found that after I got sober I was no longer the person that I had been as a drinker. My wife married the drinker. After a few months of disagreements both large and small it became apparent we were no longer compatible.
I gave her the house and everything in it. Took my clothes and car and moved out. It was a very amiable divorce as I was the one who changed not her so I wasn't assigning any guilt to her. We dated for a few years after we divorced and remain friends to this day some 15 years later, however we just weren't the couple we had been when I was a drinker.
Not giving you any advice here, just sharing my experience. By the way if I had it all to do again I would do the same thing. Ultimately we were both better off.
Jon
I gave her the house and everything in it. Took my clothes and car and moved out. It was a very amiable divorce as I was the one who changed not her so I wasn't assigning any guilt to her. We dated for a few years after we divorced and remain friends to this day some 15 years later, however we just weren't the couple we had been when I was a drinker.
Not giving you any advice here, just sharing my experience. By the way if I had it all to do again I would do the same thing. Ultimately we were both better off.
Jon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by Austin4Wyo 
The old Toby Keith song comes to mind...
"Well I sobered up, and I got to thinkin',
Girl, ya ain't much fun since I quit drinkin'."
I was single the first time I made attempts at recovery, have been since. Five years since my ex and I split, but I can relate it to other relationships as well. I look at those moments as another chance to grow and examine myself rather than others. If/when romance comes again (and I just shuddered a little...heh), I hope I can keep that mindset.
"Always Believe!" -The Ultimate Warrior
"Well I sobered up, and I got to thinkin',
Girl, ya ain't much fun since I quit drinkin'."
I was single the first time I made attempts at recovery, have been since. Five years since my ex and I split, but I can relate it to other relationships as well. I look at those moments as another chance to grow and examine myself rather than others. If/when romance comes again (and I just shuddered a little...heh), I hope I can keep that mindset.
"Always Believe!" -The Ultimate Warrior
LOL ya that's kinda how I feel!
I haven't been sober for that long..... lots of starts and stops over the last few months. But it seems like each time I get sober he and I have these same issues. I refer to him as Peter Pan. I just don't know.
I hope we can make it work, my kids adore him and he really is a great guy in lots of ways.
And Scott is right I should just be focusing on myself right now and leave him out of things for the time being. It's pretty early on for me.... this is just another example of me feeling like my needs should be met instantly. More of my addiction coming out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 41
I've always been shy , especially in high school , but drinking helped me open up and I could actually talk with women.
But I was drinking so much that I couldn't handle real friendships , let alone being emotionally together with a woman.
Fast forward to month # 4 of being sober and I actually met someone. And we just hit it off , with everything but drugs/alcohol.
See , she had been very heavy into drugs when she was 12-14 and was in a really bad place and pulled herself out. Never touched drugs or alcohol after.
I was 4 months sober and everything was amazing. I had past sexual encounters but always when I was drunk and that didn't always turn out the best. She was the first person I actually had sober sex with.
But then I rationalized just one drink , and from there it went from booze to weed to LSD... She was understanding and tried to help but I could see it hurt her that I threw away 4 months just "because it was going good in life". I couldn't keep plans with her and lost my job shortly after. Went downhill fast and she knew my personality and she knew it was only going to continue , so she left me.
The only real relationship I've ever had and it went to crap because of alcohol. And it only got worse after because that really hurt me and I just drank more...
Might not relate exactly to the OP but in my case I went from sober to a drunk and my partner didn't want to have anything to do with me.
But I was drinking so much that I couldn't handle real friendships , let alone being emotionally together with a woman.
Fast forward to month # 4 of being sober and I actually met someone. And we just hit it off , with everything but drugs/alcohol.
See , she had been very heavy into drugs when she was 12-14 and was in a really bad place and pulled herself out. Never touched drugs or alcohol after.
I was 4 months sober and everything was amazing. I had past sexual encounters but always when I was drunk and that didn't always turn out the best. She was the first person I actually had sober sex with.
But then I rationalized just one drink , and from there it went from booze to weed to LSD... She was understanding and tried to help but I could see it hurt her that I threw away 4 months just "because it was going good in life". I couldn't keep plans with her and lost my job shortly after. Went downhill fast and she knew my personality and she knew it was only going to continue , so she left me.
The only real relationship I've ever had and it went to crap because of alcohol. And it only got worse after because that really hurt me and I just drank more...
Might not relate exactly to the OP but in my case I went from sober to a drunk and my partner didn't want to have anything to do with me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
my advice go with the flow allow things to be. the dynamic of my relationship started to change even my wife will say your not the man i married etc.... it was hard on both of us. I'm sure sooner or later your partner will find that he's having difficulties as well.
there is a chapter in the big book on it probably worth a read. its normal but like I said I'd just go with it your still changing and evolving. Gotta choose your battles wisely so yeah maybe some stuff you gotta address or even say hey I know i never made an issue out of htis before but i was drunk and i didnt bother me then but it does now. Maybe explain how your feeling but again its you who's changing not him. I dunno if its right to suddenly kick up the dust all the sudden ebcause we decided to quit taken our boozemeds lol thats how I felt anyhow I just went for the ride with most of it.
there is a chapter in the big book on it probably worth a read. its normal but like I said I'd just go with it your still changing and evolving. Gotta choose your battles wisely so yeah maybe some stuff you gotta address or even say hey I know i never made an issue out of htis before but i was drunk and i didnt bother me then but it does now. Maybe explain how your feeling but again its you who's changing not him. I dunno if its right to suddenly kick up the dust all the sudden ebcause we decided to quit taken our boozemeds lol thats how I felt anyhow I just went for the ride with most of it.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Drinking enabled me to avoid dealing with relationship issues, for sure.
When I stopped drinking, I changed a lot and I had to figure out what really mattered to me and how to achieve that in my life. As Scott said, I focused on myself and what I could do and change about myself. I had no expectation that my husband would change, and that was fine. By caring about myself and focusing on what was important to me, the relationship changed too, in a good way.
When I stopped drinking, I changed a lot and I had to figure out what really mattered to me and how to achieve that in my life. As Scott said, I focused on myself and what I could do and change about myself. I had no expectation that my husband would change, and that was fine. By caring about myself and focusing on what was important to me, the relationship changed too, in a good way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by zjw
my advice go with the flow allow things to be. the dynamic of my relationship started to change even my wife will say your not the man i married etc.... it was hard on both of us. I'm sure sooner or later your partner will find that he's having difficulties as well.
there is a chapter in the big book on it probably worth a read. its normal but like I said I'd just go with it your still changing and evolving. Gotta choose your battles wisely so yeah maybe some stuff you gotta address or even say hey I know i never made an issue out of htis before but i was drunk and i didnt bother me then but it does now. Maybe explain how your feeling but again its you who's changing not him. I dunno if its right to suddenly kick up the dust all the sudden ebcause we decided to quit taken our boozemeds lol thats how I felt anyhow I just went for the ride with most of it.
there is a chapter in the big book on it probably worth a read. its normal but like I said I'd just go with it your still changing and evolving. Gotta choose your battles wisely so yeah maybe some stuff you gotta address or even say hey I know i never made an issue out of htis before but i was drunk and i didnt bother me then but it does now. Maybe explain how your feeling but again its you who's changing not him. I dunno if its right to suddenly kick up the dust all the sudden ebcause we decided to quit taken our boozemeds lol thats how I felt anyhow I just went for the ride with most of it.
I do have quite a bit of guilt after drinking. It always goes in cycles for me , has been like that for years.
Sober for a few weeks/months , have a job and some $ saved up. I can drink I'm doing fine. A few weeks go by of drinking every day , tolerance goes up. Oops I missed one day of work. I stop drinking. A few weeks go by , there's another day I missed. Repeat until I'm fired. No job , get drunk and do nothing , because hey I have free time now. Waste all my money on booze and drugs. Broke with no job and no money , get another job and pick up my life only to repeat a few weeks/months after. It's so tiring having to do it all over again , year after year...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by Path2Recovery
That's how I usually take life lol. I'm the eternal optimist and I do get depressed , but for the most part I always think it could be worse, there's always tomorrow , I'm always justifying it in one way or another.
I guess the answer to that is yes becuase it could always be worse. But I didnt feel that way then and I'm not sure if i'd feel that way again if in the same situation lol.
I see your point tho Its almost as if one could be optmistic and lackadaysical to the point of just letting it all slide and saying welp could be worse.
I struggle with that viewpoint myself these days. Because I feel its best to just go with the flow allow things to be etc... things have a way of working out it'll be ok etc.. I can see how that mindset could get me into trouble.
But In my case at least booze would not be to blame for any sort of misfortune that might come my way. IF it was to blame I'd feel guilty and shame etc...
You bring an interesting perspective to the mix
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by zjw
being optimistic is funky i was out of work one time and trying to get a business going and an optimistic person I know kept telling me to look on the bright side and I recall thinking what should I smile as they chain my door evict me from my house with my wife and kids now homeless and look on the bright side then? Should I smile on my way to bankruptcy court ?
I guess the answer to that is yes becuase it could always be worse. But I didnt feel that way then and I'm not sure if i'd feel that way again if in the same situation lol.
That must have been hard! And I could imagine how being an optimist in that situation would be hard. I think it'd be hard even for someone like me lol.
I see your point tho Its almost as if one could be optmistic and lackadaysical to the point of just letting it all slide and saying welp could be worse.
That's exactly how I am! I couldn't have put it better myself. Nailed it.
I struggle with that viewpoint myself these days. Because I feel its best to just go with the flow allow things to be etc... things have a way of working out it'll be ok etc.. I can see how that mindset could get me into trouble.
It's gotten me into a lot of trouble. Way too many times to recall. That's just my personality when I'm sober but when I'm drunk it becomes a very dangerous way for me to think.
But In my case at least booze would not be to blame for any sort of misfortune that might come my way. IF it was to blame I'd feel guilty and shame etc...
I can honestly say that all the big life changing events in my life have been directly caused by booze/drugs. I didn't want to say all big events , but before I posted this I thought to myself - What did I do sober that really got me into trouble? Nothing. I'm usually a very calm and timid person but when I drink my moral compass goes out the window and anything and everything goes. Very dangerous.
You bring an interesting perspective to the mix
I guess the answer to that is yes becuase it could always be worse. But I didnt feel that way then and I'm not sure if i'd feel that way again if in the same situation lol.
That must have been hard! And I could imagine how being an optimist in that situation would be hard. I think it'd be hard even for someone like me lol.
I see your point tho Its almost as if one could be optmistic and lackadaysical to the point of just letting it all slide and saying welp could be worse.
That's exactly how I am! I couldn't have put it better myself. Nailed it.
I struggle with that viewpoint myself these days. Because I feel its best to just go with the flow allow things to be etc... things have a way of working out it'll be ok etc.. I can see how that mindset could get me into trouble.
It's gotten me into a lot of trouble. Way too many times to recall. That's just my personality when I'm sober but when I'm drunk it becomes a very dangerous way for me to think.
But In my case at least booze would not be to blame for any sort of misfortune that might come my way. IF it was to blame I'd feel guilty and shame etc...
I can honestly say that all the big life changing events in my life have been directly caused by booze/drugs. I didn't want to say all big events , but before I posted this I thought to myself - What did I do sober that really got me into trouble? Nothing. I'm usually a very calm and timid person but when I drink my moral compass goes out the window and anything and everything goes. Very dangerous.
You bring an interesting perspective to the mix
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
For sure Melinda! I'm well aware of the times I rambled on about drunken nonsense he didn't care about or didn't want to hear. And I've been unkind to him while drunk. Or flaked out on plans because I was hung over..... I know that I've been a jerk.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Yeah, that happened to me. Part of it was because I was raw and unnerved in early sobriety, part of it was because the last 2 years of drinking I let the relationship get all out of whack to focus on my drinking, and part of it was he really can be an *******.
Before I worried about fixing our relationship or getting him to mellow out I had to get myself on an even keel first. That took close to a year. Then I was calm enough to communicate what I needed without freaking out on him. He has some sort of anxiety issue that makes him hard to deal with. I strongly suggested he talk to his doctor(I'm taking care of my problem now you go take care of yours) and they checked him out and low and behold he had an abnormally low T count. They fixed that for him and also put him on a low dose antidepressant. He isn't so stressed out anymore.
Before I worried about fixing our relationship or getting him to mellow out I had to get myself on an even keel first. That took close to a year. Then I was calm enough to communicate what I needed without freaking out on him. He has some sort of anxiety issue that makes him hard to deal with. I strongly suggested he talk to his doctor(I'm taking care of my problem now you go take care of yours) and they checked him out and low and behold he had an abnormally low T count. They fixed that for him and also put him on a low dose antidepressant. He isn't so stressed out anymore.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by zenchaser
For sure Melinda! I'm well aware of the times I rambled on about drunken nonsense he didn't care about or didn't want to hear. And I've been unkind to him while drunk. Or flaked out on plans because I was hung over..... I know that I've been a jerk.
Now I'm sober She snores like a DAMN FREIGHT TRAIN an well since i'm not passed out drunk I gotta listen to it. I oddly dont reall snore any more like i did before.
what can i do? Nada She tolerated it out of me for years so I owe her at least that much lol.
The shoe is on the other foot in many various different ways. She put up wiht me when i was a drunken mess. This is not to say she doesnt have her own issues but the point is she stuck around through it etc... I really cant say if I woulda tolerated a partner like me if i where the sober one all those years that kinda saddens me.
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