SadPandaGirl

I have been struggling with alcohol for over a decade, when I was at my lowest I thought that maybe my dysfunctional marriage was making things worse. I drink to feel better because It makes me forget how deeply unhappy I am for a few minutes. I also suffer from anxiety and depression which I use alcohol to help me cope with even though I know it makes my medication not work as well.

I finally asked my husband for a divorce in March of 2014, he tried to kill himself while I was inside with my kids. I saved his life and he proceeded to make the last year of my life hell. I didn't drink for nearly a year because I didn't want to risk losing custody of my three children. I wasn't working and somehow I managed to spend most of the year happyish, despite my ex and the court drama.

In January I needed to go back to school so I can learn a skill to support my kids (my folks have been helping me out a lot). I go to school 40 hours a week and then come home and take care of my three small children who I have custody of. My youngest children are toddlers and very spirited, they exhaust me mentally so much. My days are long and stressful and it is so hard to do everything on my own. My house is a mess and I am just so darn tired at the end of the day. I am super lonely and I miss having a partner in life, my Ex has had a new girlfriend for nine months now.

I always thought that getting a divorce would make my life harder but ultimately I would be happier. That is not the case at all. I dread every day and my future is so bleak. I want to run and hide away from it all. I worry what my depression and drinking will do to my children, how it will affect them as they grow. I know I need to get back in therapy but I have no motivation and at the end of the day I have no energy left. I don't drink as much as I used to but it seems to be getting worse, I have gained back all the weight I lost last year which is depressing. I am lost.

I want to quit drinking and find some sort of happiness for the sake of my children, I love them and I do not want to fail them. I will quit for one day and then drink the next, I don't know how to find the motivation to quit. I am miserable and find no joy in anything. I could really use some words of encouragement.

silentrun

Welcome SadPandaGirl.
That is a lot of change and stress for one year. You quit during a divorce and handled it great. You can do it now too.

thomas11

Hi SadPandaGirl, the way you described everything in your OP, things do indeed sound dire, but that can definitely change. There are many people here that can and will help you, answer questions, have been in your shoes etc....and you can take advantage of that to the fullest. It sounds like you have both good things and some bad things going on. Great job on getting into school to learn something in which you can support yourself, sounds like your parents are on board, providing the support they can. So not all is doom and gloom. One thing I'm sure most will say is that the booze in not helping your situation at all. You may think it is, or that it provides you with a brief respite, but ultimately it is probably adding to the degree of difficulty. Stick around here, read a lot and post often. I wish you the very best. Check back often as more people will be along shortly to help you out.

zjw

sounds like your in quite the pit. If you quit drinking you'll get some additional energy and in time you'll start to feel better about yourself. If you find yourself depressed and restless with anxiety you could take your kids for a walk this would help you release some of that bent up energy maybe allow your kids to get some of it out too and you might loose some weight as well. Or maybe you can find someone to handle hte kids for 30 minutes while you go for a walk to clear you head and collect yourself.

I'm just trying to toss some ideas out there. But going forward drinking isnt going to give you any better of an outcome then what you already got and it sounds like its rather grim.

I'd also try and put the past behind you its done its overwith. Try and stay focused on today and do this one day at a time. It takes baby steps in the begining and trying to work on todays steps while still allowing the past to drag you down and the future to stress you out isnt going to help you win the battle.

I know this is all easier said then done but its some of the stuff thats worked for me.

Hang in there and keep posting lots of good folks here.

Dee74

Hi and welcome SadPandaGirl

you'll find a ton of support understanding and hope here

SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you do the same