dunkelheit

I had a fiance who I loved dearly, but he left me due to my alcoholism. I'm just crying every day in secret now. I moved back in with him for 2 months because I have a course to take, but it's just hostility all the time. I miss him, but I always end up showing it by getting angry that he left me, and he'll never find anyone as successful as I have been. I have BDP, PTSD and chronic depression too, so I think he couldn't deal with the mental health issues, plus the alcoholism.

At some point I was even sleeping under my desk at work because I got booted our home again on the coldest night of the year. I told security I was working late every night, but I was really curled up in a blanket under my desk with a bottle of booze.

I asked for a referral to a new psychiatrist, but I probably won't end up seeing anyone for some time because my former doctor really doesn't know how to treat me. As far as I know, my chances of recovery are quite low, but DBT seems to improve some people's lives. It seems so hopeless.

I know I post a lot here, but I really have no one else to talk to. My only other friend who's an alcoholic is usually too high to talk in a reasonable manner.

Thanks,
Selene

biminiblue

Hang on. The longer you are able to stay sober, the easier it will be to deal with your other challenges.

Can you afford your own place?

Fly N Buy

Selene, sometimes it's simply in the trying we succeed. The willingness to want to try and change at times is all we have and it's enough - just for today.

You are not alone, know that. There are plenty of folks here who empathize with you this very moment.

Keep the faith and work the path with doctors. One day soon you will see some light

Thank you for sharing and being part of SR

RDBplus3

Angry about how I had been treated. My wife asked me to leave and I did, and I was still working and supporting her. I was telling everyone at the office I was working late, then when they left I got another bottle and settled in for the night, every night. And I was resentful, and I got drunk about it every night. It got worse and worse, and then I just couldn't get drunk enough at night and it got real bad ... my state of mind especially.

I finally realized I couldn't go on like that ... I completely SURRENDERED, called my Sponsor at AA, and gave up on feeling justified to do anything of my own power, because it immediately led to resentment (justified resentment) and then immediately to drinking.

I SURRENDERED many times every day. I did the 3rd Step Prayer many times every day, and I WORKED THE STEPS. I felt like a dog chained to a stake called SOBRIETY, and I did NOT like it.

After a while, it got a little better, then a lot better, and eventually I realized that a MIRACLE had happened. I was no longer chained to the craving & obsession for alcohol, and I was NOT demanding to be in control of situations I previously HAD TO BE in control of.

RDBplus3 ... now Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2 ...

SURRENDER ... WORK THE STEPS ... DO THE PRAYERS ... just a suggestion

dunkelheit

No, I'm a student right now, finishing my degree in a scientific field. I'm trying for a PhD next year, but I need to get my symptoms under control so I don't do what I did this year, and just take 2 weeks off to drink non-stop. I basically just had to tell my boss that I didn't do any work for 2 weeks because I was depressed, and he understood to some degree. I just feel I ruined my relationships with everyone this year. It started off so well, but I got depressed in December, and ended up deteriorating rapidly. My relationship suffered, my work suffered, and I feel as though I messed up beyond repair.

dunkelheit

I can't do AA. I have a lot of work to do and I just don't have the time. This is all I have. No support, no one to talk to, just me, and SR. Thanks for the story though. I feel as thoguh that was me for months and months.

Pipefish

My relationship suffered, my work suffered, and I feel as though I messed up beyond repair

While you're still breathing honey, nothing, but nothing, in this world is beyond repair. Damage and fallout hurts, that's for sure. And things may not be quite the same again - the repair job may take things in an entirely different direction, where you or I don't get to name the outcome, all we do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, just like you're doing right now. That takes courage, never forget that, particularly with the kinds of wounds and hurt you describe.

Wish you well in all you wish for yourself. It will get better, perhaps not in the ways you expected, but in the ways meant uniquely for you, and from experience, there is nothing better than that.

Thanks for sharing with us.

sleepie

Look up Marsha Linehan, she developed DBT I think and also had/has BPD. I met someone with BPD and she said she got the book and worked with her therapist with it and it helped her quite a bit. She was leading a meditation based AA meeting when I met her, so she seemed to be doing alright.

dunkelheit

I read this woman's biography and all I can say is I feel the same. I was in and out of hospitals for most of my teens. I was also on zyprexa for years. It wasn't until I graduated and chose to stop the meds until I got my life back.

My PSY101 prof approved this technique, and I tried it. I wish I could afford to go back into yoga, because I'm way too distracted to do meditation.

MelindaFlowers

It took me a while and a lot of reflection to realize this but I was depressed while I was drinking and then I was depressed in early sobriety for a while so it's not like this depression was anything new.

Drinking certainly wasn't making me happy and at the time sobriety didn't make me very happy so while I did feel pretty hopeless for a while I knew it would only get better. It certainly wasn't going to get worse.

It takes some time that you can break the cycle.

ScottFromWI

Recovery is going to take time whether you do AA or not. And it seems that you have plenty of time to drink, right? Point being, if you don't make sobriety a priority, you most likely won't achieve it. And quite frankly, if you continue to take weeks off at a time just to drink, you won't need to worry about your school or a job anyway.

Lenina

Dunkel, have you read any thing about Rational Recovery and AVRT? It's a technique to stop drinking that's worked for me. Addictive Voice Recognition Technique. There's a crash course for free on the web, look around for it when you're ready.

In the meantime, look in the Secular Connections section for more support there. I'll see if I can find a link for you. You can quit drinking. Many many many of us do quit and recover. It's work and you'll need to make some changes, some to your routines and some to your thought process.

Love from Lenina

This will get you started, it is long but worth the read.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

tomsteve

Sure reads like ya hadda helluva lot of time to drink. So seems like ya'd have time for working on recovery. AA isn't all about meetings.

RDBplus3

Hello dunkelheit,
I work 60 hours per week, and find it hard to find 'time' ...
A couple things that worked well for me:

+ Do a Web Search for Recovery Speaker Messages. Most are free. A good place to start is 'Joe & Charlie Big Book Study' & 'Melbourne Steps Weekend - Recordings'.

+ Also, there are a lot of very good websites that offer input and formats for working the steps, plus other very good programs. You will inevitably come across the AA Bashers, people whose lives have NOT been transformed by the program, and feel compelled to make themselves feel superior by bashing what they do not understand ... just consider them not-so-good entertainment.

Sober Recovery is a great community and has been a solid rock in my ongoing FREEDOM, and my enjoyment of my life now that I am not in bondage to the obsession & craving cycle of active alcohol addiction.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW anyone can be ...

Hawkeye13

Lots of free yoga classes online you can do at home or
even at work at night if needed:

https://www.doyogawithme.com/

I found yoga really helpful when I was quitting--
The meditation gets better with time so I suggest even daily
five minutes along with the yoga.

You can turn this around.
You really don't "have time" not to quit drinking.

As another academic, I can tell you your intellectual work
already is suffering and it will go downhill if you don't get priorities in order.

Hugs. I've been there and you can get out.
Look into Rational Recovery, Women for Sobriety, or AA online in our resources page.
They also have online meetings I believe.

You can do this but you have to really be ready to quit for it to work.
Sounds like you are getting close to that?

Berrybean

Honestly - AA takes a lot less time than drinking would! And if it can help you get past some of the feelings that you're struggling with at the moment, then the time you do have will be so much more productive.

Whatever way you decide to 'work' at sobriety will take some time and effort on your part. If you want it, then YOU are going to have to work for it. Other people can offer you all the advice in the world, but it won't work unless you act on it.

I wish you luck and happiness in your sobriety.

dunkelheit

I think I'm one of the "disease that will get worse and worse" thinkers. It's just been constant problems for my entire life. So alcohol became that one thing that took my anxiety away, the loneliness, and hopelessness. Then I fell in love and I didn't need that anymore, not until I started working all the time, and the drinking started again.

dunkelheit

Thank you. Yes, close, but I feel like I'm missing something every night. Love? Alcohol? Benzos? I don't know.

Yes, I should be getting A+, not A's. If that is even possible. I'm in the best university in my country (as far as I'm concerned), so my grades are still really good, even after consuming 750mL of vodka every night.

Hawkeye13

It's great you are holding your grades, but you are also establishing your reputation in a very small circle of how reliable you are and other future vocational issues that the drinking is already seriously damaging.

Once you get a negative rep, you know as well as I what the result will be in terms of future grants, academic jobs, and public-sector work.

Maybe you should really rethink the drinking--that much vodka is showing up in the way you smell, look and act even if you are still functioning.

You've worked hard for a bright future--don't throw it away

NewDay79

You've got the motivation to change. That's half the battle. DBT does work, it evidenced based practice. Keep trying.