toxic friendships
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toxic friendships
I know many people have probably had toxic friends through this whole recovery process. ya know the ones that still use while youv'e moved forward. I have a friend i'm not gonna say this person uses problematicaly I guess thats for them to figure out But my point is there from my other life the one where i was a drunken drugged up mess. the thing is this persons been there through it all. But I find the advice i get anymore to be more or less this person trying to project themselves over me more then anything. its kind of an annoying habit of theres. I dont mention it because I just assume this person enjoys feeling like the expert of sorts. But I wont lie it bothers me and after speaking to the person I dont really feel good i feel rather annoyed.
I feel as if this friendship has basicly gone toxic. I realize some of this is my fault as well. I dunno how to resserect the friendship and to be honest I think i'd like to cut it off but i feel like mud doing that and I dont know how to do that either. I only speak to this person on line so I suppose i could just cease communication but thats really crummy. I tried to end it politely years ago and it got ugly and we didnt speak for a while then for whatever reason we started speaking again I guess i was hoping things would be different and well they havent been.
I stink at this sort of thing so any kind of advice would be appreciated.
I feel like i'm hanging on to this friend because a toxic friend is better then no friends (sounds stupid) but I have like no other friends *sigh*.
I feel as if this friendship has basicly gone toxic. I realize some of this is my fault as well. I dunno how to resserect the friendship and to be honest I think i'd like to cut it off but i feel like mud doing that and I dont know how to do that either. I only speak to this person on line so I suppose i could just cease communication but thats really crummy. I tried to end it politely years ago and it got ugly and we didnt speak for a while then for whatever reason we started speaking again I guess i was hoping things would be different and well they havent been.
I stink at this sort of thing so any kind of advice would be appreciated.
I feel like i'm hanging on to this friend because a toxic friend is better then no friends (sounds stupid) but I have like no other friends *sigh*.
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Hey zjw
First off, would have to say, that no friends, at all, period, is better than even one toxic one. Truly, it is. And if it helps, though I don't often post on here, I always enjoy reading your posts and threads. You are so honest about whatever is bugging or confusing you, and it is touching - you seem like a decent guy.
That's a a long winded way of saying, if you can do that over the internet, am pretty sure you could make friends in real life if you wanted to. Am sure, even if you don't realise it, you have many friends on here :-)
Personally, I don't hesitate to back of from friendships that are unhealthy or unhelpful, and that means I don't have many friends either. Am really only now in my forties, finding my way with friendship. The few friends I do have, are of value, and add to my life, as I believe I do theirs, rather than cause ire or discomfort. That doesn't mean never disagreeing, it means that there is no 'hangover' of the kind you described.
Friendships change throughout our lives, and what may have worked at one time, for a whole myriad of reasons, can at other times no longer be suitable. Life is like that, and it isn't to me a matter for guilt or giving myself a hard time; it is only that things, and people, change.
So do, trust your judgement, and do what you believe is right for you.
Wish you well
First off, would have to say, that no friends, at all, period, is better than even one toxic one. Truly, it is. And if it helps, though I don't often post on here, I always enjoy reading your posts and threads. You are so honest about whatever is bugging or confusing you, and it is touching - you seem like a decent guy.
That's a a long winded way of saying, if you can do that over the internet, am pretty sure you could make friends in real life if you wanted to. Am sure, even if you don't realise it, you have many friends on here :-)
Personally, I don't hesitate to back of from friendships that are unhealthy or unhelpful, and that means I don't have many friends either. Am really only now in my forties, finding my way with friendship. The few friends I do have, are of value, and add to my life, as I believe I do theirs, rather than cause ire or discomfort. That doesn't mean never disagreeing, it means that there is no 'hangover' of the kind you described.
Friendships change throughout our lives, and what may have worked at one time, for a whole myriad of reasons, can at other times no longer be suitable. Life is like that, and it isn't to me a matter for guilt or giving myself a hard time; it is only that things, and people, change.
So do, trust your judgement, and do what you believe is right for you.
Wish you well
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Originally Posted by zjw 
I stink at this sort of thing so any kind of advice would be appreciated.I feel like i'm hanging on to this friend because a toxic friend is better then no friends (sounds stupid) but I have like no other friends *sigh*.
If you only know this person online anyway I'd simply send them a straightforward message that you don't feel you can communicate anymore due to the reasons you stated. Expect them to backlash of course and be nice for a while to get you to keep the lines open, but it will only be temporary.
Another option is to simply ignore the person's communications online....you have no obligation whatsoever to return messages if they aren't being sent to you in earnest anyway.
Bottom line, you need to set boundaries...and you are absolutely justified in doing this.
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My friend, like they say over there ~~~>> on the Friends and Family side, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
Online relationships that are toxic are at least easy to disengage. I don't stay friends with anyone who makes me feel less-than on a regular basis. Sure, sometimes people say things that are hurtful, but if it's a pattern I let go of them.
Online relationships that are toxic are at least easy to disengage. I don't stay friends with anyone who makes me feel less-than on a regular basis. Sure, sometimes people say things that are hurtful, but if it's a pattern I let go of them.
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thanks ! its a tough situation my wife suggesting just communicating less and less and less like wean it off so its non confrontational etc... I think im going to try this. it seems every time i talk to this person i'm left asking myself if i'm inadequate about something almost like this person has a way of hucking doubt in my mind that was not there before things I was firm in my stance on I'll then question etc.. this person tends to lack being supportive anymore these days but rather is going to learn me something. and this person seems to be to busy to come out and play there always preoccupied with everything other then having some fun.
I hate to loose what once was a good friend but I think I lost it a long time ago!
Pipefish I normally dont have too much issue backing off friendships Its been discouraging since I sobered up however. not entirely because i sobered up but for whatever reason friends have been difficult to hang on too. I've been alone a lot at first i really enjoyed the quiet. I actually still do I enjoy not having to tolerate someone elses nonsense but often I sometimes feel alone.
I do meet people here which is cool but only 1 long time friend so far its been really nice too.
I could confront this person try and work out our differences. But this person generally always has a good justification for htere behaivior its very difficult to get this person to see the fault in them selves. Its sad really for years this persons asked "whats wrong with me" and i'm like thinking how manyt imes does life had to beat it over your head for you? But I cant say this it'll spur an argument etc.. so i smile and nod.
I hate to loose what once was a good friend but I think I lost it a long time ago!
Pipefish I normally dont have too much issue backing off friendships Its been discouraging since I sobered up however. not entirely because i sobered up but for whatever reason friends have been difficult to hang on too. I've been alone a lot at first i really enjoyed the quiet. I actually still do I enjoy not having to tolerate someone elses nonsense but often I sometimes feel alone.
I do meet people here which is cool but only 1 long time friend so far its been really nice too.
I could confront this person try and work out our differences. But this person generally always has a good justification for htere behaivior its very difficult to get this person to see the fault in them selves. Its sad really for years this persons asked "whats wrong with me" and i'm like thinking how manyt imes does life had to beat it over your head for you? But I cant say this it'll spur an argument etc.. so i smile and nod.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
My friend, like they say over there ~~~>> on the Friends and Family side, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
Online relationships that are toxic are at least easy to disengage. I don't stay friends with anyone who makes me feel less-than on a regular basis. Sure, sometimes people say things that are hurtful, but if it's a pattern I let go of them.
Online relationships that are toxic are at least easy to disengage. I don't stay friends with anyone who makes me feel less-than on a regular basis. Sure, sometimes people say things that are hurtful, but if it's a pattern I let go of them.
there is some odd stuff in the air thats happened over the years where like you said whens omeone shows you who they are. I've been shown and i've always been like gosh really? and then i kept going back for more cause I wanted to be nice. *sigh*
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Ugh!! I have an "ex" friend like that, who I was best friends with since I was 5!! She's the most negative person in the whole wide world and I've had to cut her out of my life. No support, no positivity, no nothing! As a matter of fact when I told her the SLIGHTEST inclination that I would work it out with my ex if he sought help and if we went to therapy. First she looked at me like I had 4 heads. Then, she said IF I get back with him, she doesn't want to hear ANY of it. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but isn't that what REAL friends are for? To be there for you and pick you up when you fall? Support you? Listen to you? Not just give up on you and not be happy for you that at least you're sober? Oh. Of course not, bec. she gets out of work, goes home and her and her boyfriend sit on the couch all night and drink... and Facebook all night long!! I've had it with heartless people, especially when you have been best friends for 30 years!!!! Ugh!!
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Originally Posted by zjw
for what its worth we did at one time live near each other and hung out all the time. but for years its been strictly online. this person in all the years i've lived here has never come to visit etc.. though i'm not too bothered by it does tell me something.
there is some odd stuff in the air thats happened over the years where like you said whens omeone shows you who they are. I've been shown and i've always been like gosh really? and then i kept going back for more cause I wanted to be nice. *sigh*
there is some odd stuff in the air thats happened over the years where like you said whens omeone shows you who they are. I've been shown and i've always been like gosh really? and then i kept going back for more cause I wanted to be nice. *sigh*
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Originally Posted by zjw
I feel like I'm hanging on to this friend because a toxic friend is better then no friends (sounds stupid) but I have like no other friends *sigh*.
I used to work with a woman who was constantly buddying up to me, yet constantly told me I was not in her first tier of friends! She was into buying me gifts; but she kept sticking knives in my back whenever it suited her.
Finally she moved to Florida. I dropped her.
A few weeks ago I butt-dialed her number. I panicked and hung up as fast as I could. Then I breathed a sigh of relief: I've switched phone numbers since the last time we talked, so hopefully my name didn't show up with my number. I'd rather die than have her think that I was trying to get in touch with her again!
Good riddance!
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wow lot here
Hopeless1978
I think i get what your saying with the negative aspect. Keep in mind I was a negative drunken mess for years. This friend and I wallowed in our own depressive nonsense for years and in that sick way where there for each other. I think this makes sense to people like us right? Now fast forward. I've sobereed up I swear I'm a way more positive person then I used too. Though the dynamic of this relationship has always been us being sounding boards to each other to dump our gripes on and such and try to help. I find that this is almost an unhealthy dynamic for us cause well we end up or I end up just complaining rather then talking about anything fruitful with this person. But when I try and be more positive and talk about the great stuff i'm up to these days its met with this persons own miserable funk there still stuck in so I feel like I gotta drop down a level if this makes any sense.
Point is For a long while I've felt this is unhealthy for the both of us! I even tried to end it once and did and it blew up but it was done and ended. I was being nice and sent a nice note later on but didnt expect or really want anythignt to come of it I just didnt like how things ended. Like a fool when this person eventually responed ions later I struck up a dialog and such I probably shoudl have let it all go in hindsite!.
Bimini
Your point that they will get the message makes me wonder if they want me to get the message. For example much of what i say falls on deaf ears this friend ignores me an awful lot its sad really. I try to give this person the benefit of the doubt I think there busy etc.. But I think they might be saying "go away" maybe i'm just not getting the hint.
Gilmer
Your right when I was not speaking to this person before it was great i had a lot of peace in my head. I was able to solicit more positive opionions elsewhere and such.
Hopeless1978
I think i get what your saying with the negative aspect. Keep in mind I was a negative drunken mess for years. This friend and I wallowed in our own depressive nonsense for years and in that sick way where there for each other. I think this makes sense to people like us right? Now fast forward. I've sobereed up I swear I'm a way more positive person then I used too. Though the dynamic of this relationship has always been us being sounding boards to each other to dump our gripes on and such and try to help. I find that this is almost an unhealthy dynamic for us cause well we end up or I end up just complaining rather then talking about anything fruitful with this person. But when I try and be more positive and talk about the great stuff i'm up to these days its met with this persons own miserable funk there still stuck in so I feel like I gotta drop down a level if this makes any sense.
Point is For a long while I've felt this is unhealthy for the both of us! I even tried to end it once and did and it blew up but it was done and ended. I was being nice and sent a nice note later on but didnt expect or really want anythignt to come of it I just didnt like how things ended. Like a fool when this person eventually responed ions later I struck up a dialog and such I probably shoudl have let it all go in hindsite!.
Bimini
Your point that they will get the message makes me wonder if they want me to get the message. For example much of what i say falls on deaf ears this friend ignores me an awful lot its sad really. I try to give this person the benefit of the doubt I think there busy etc.. But I think they might be saying "go away" maybe i'm just not getting the hint.
Gilmer
Your right when I was not speaking to this person before it was great i had a lot of peace in my head. I was able to solicit more positive opionions elsewhere and such.
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"it seems every time i talk to this person i'm left asking myself if i'm inadequate about something almost like this person has a way of hucking doubt in my mind that was not there before things I was firm in my stance on I'll then question etc."
This reeeealy caught my attention as I had it happen not only when I was drinking, but in recovery,too. From people in recovery. It was quite an emotional roller coaster. Left me stuck in emotional chaos when I was working at learning who i was. Start learning who,feeling confident in who I was, feeling good about who I was, then get some remark that I can now see came from someone insecure in themselves and was still trying to use me- trying to cut me down to make themselves feel better about themselves.
I finally stood up for myself a d told them I cared about em, but I was t going to allow their behavior in my life and hope they decided to work on themselves.
And what a blessing g to be able to stand up for myself. A blessing to know I'm allowed to stand up for me.
This reeeealy caught my attention as I had it happen not only when I was drinking, but in recovery,too. From people in recovery. It was quite an emotional roller coaster. Left me stuck in emotional chaos when I was working at learning who i was. Start learning who,feeling confident in who I was, feeling good about who I was, then get some remark that I can now see came from someone insecure in themselves and was still trying to use me- trying to cut me down to make themselves feel better about themselves.
I finally stood up for myself a d told them I cared about em, but I was t going to allow their behavior in my life and hope they decided to work on themselves.
And what a blessing g to be able to stand up for myself. A blessing to know I'm allowed to stand up for me.
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zjw, yes! Exactly!!
By the way, how's everything going at work? Were you and your boss able to come to an agreement about that project you knew nothing about and were really stressed out about? Please forgive me if I have the wrong person, but I'm almost certain it was you! I hope all is well at work!
By the way, how's everything going at work? Were you and your boss able to come to an agreement about that project you knew nothing about and were really stressed out about? Please forgive me if I have the wrong person, but I'm almost certain it was you! I hope all is well at work!
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
"it seems every time i talk to this person i'm left asking myself if i'm inadequate about something almost like this person has a way of hucking doubt in my mind that was not there before things I was firm in my stance on I'll then question etc."
This reeeealy caught my attention as I had it happen not only when I was drinking, but in recovery,too. From people in recovery. It was quite an emotional roller coaster. Left me stuck in emotional chaos when I was working at learning who i was. Start learning who,feeling confident in who I was, feeling good about who I was, then get some remark that I can now see came from someone insecure in themselves and was still trying to use me- trying to cut me down to make themselves feel better about themselves.
I finally stood up for myself a d told them I cared about em, but I was t going to allow their behavior in my life and hope they decided to work on themselves.
And what a blessing g to be able to stand up for myself. A blessing to know I'm allowed to stand up for me.
This reeeealy caught my attention as I had it happen not only when I was drinking, but in recovery,too. From people in recovery. It was quite an emotional roller coaster. Left me stuck in emotional chaos when I was working at learning who i was. Start learning who,feeling confident in who I was, feeling good about who I was, then get some remark that I can now see came from someone insecure in themselves and was still trying to use me- trying to cut me down to make themselves feel better about themselves.
I finally stood up for myself a d told them I cared about em, but I was t going to allow their behavior in my life and hope they decided to work on themselves.
And what a blessing g to be able to stand up for myself. A blessing to know I'm allowed to stand up for me.
I think its one of those "i wanna believe" type thins with this person. I wanna believe it'll be good because we have a long history but the signs are all over that its toxic and like someone else mentioned you dont want to deal with that "hangover" affect with friends when you walk away like ull i feel worse now..
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Originally Posted by Hopeless1978
zjw, yes! Exactly!!
By the way, how's everything going at work? Were you and your boss able to come to an agreement about that project you knew nothing about and were really stressed out about? Please forgive me if I have the wrong person, but I'm almost certain it was you! I hope all is well at work!
By the way, how's everything going at work? Were you and your boss able to come to an agreement about that project you knew nothing about and were really stressed out about? Please forgive me if I have the wrong person, but I'm almost certain it was you! I hope all is well at work!
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I love my job but things are going to start getting stressful. More than they already are. We have 2 people who gave their notice. Ugh!! I can't take on anymore accounts!! Blah!! I'm glad things are a BIT better for you! We deserve to be happy!!
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Originally Posted by Hopeless1978
I love my job but things are going to start getting stressful. More than they already are. We have 2 people who gave their notice. Ugh!! I can't take on anymore accounts!! Blah!! I'm glad things are a BIT better for you! We deserve to be happy!!
aaaaa yes I know that drill someone quits and there work just gets dumped on someone else and then they dont replace the people. At one time i was doing the job of 4 diff employees! never got a raise for it. now they get mad when i dont take the initiative or am not eager for advancement or more duties. lol no thanks I played that game and got taken advantage of no I much prefer to be the peon just tell me what to do sir
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Yup!! I hear that!! We just got the email! I have 3 more temp accounts until we get 2 more full time employees in here. Well! I am "1" person and will only do what I can do! I am NOT going to stress over it! It's not worth it!! Speaking of? I need to get back to work! lol! Enjoy your day!!!
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Been there and, to an extent, still am. I found this helpful this morning:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...june-15-a.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...june-15-a.html
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welp been about 2 weeks now and I have not heard one word from this friend.
I feel a lot better. everytime I talked to this friend about say an issue in my life it was always basicly met with I was a piece of crap and thats why i had said problem. There was even some times they said something sto me that even my wife was like really your going to allow this person to talk to you like that? basicly abusive i guess though I thought things where being said jokeingly i gotta figure lots of times probably not and they made me feel crappy anyway.
This friend has not reached out to me at all either in the past 2 weeks. which says a lot. Either A they do not care. or B they got the hint and are like well screw him then etc.. I guess it really doesnt matter. The nice part of me would love to explain to this person the issues and work it all out. I just dont see how thats possible in this case.
So anyhow problem solved and Ive felt a lot better not having this person in my ear talking me down etc...
I feel a lot better. everytime I talked to this friend about say an issue in my life it was always basicly met with I was a piece of crap and thats why i had said problem. There was even some times they said something sto me that even my wife was like really your going to allow this person to talk to you like that? basicly abusive i guess though I thought things where being said jokeingly i gotta figure lots of times probably not and they made me feel crappy anyway.
This friend has not reached out to me at all either in the past 2 weeks. which says a lot. Either A they do not care. or B they got the hint and are like well screw him then etc.. I guess it really doesnt matter. The nice part of me would love to explain to this person the issues and work it all out. I just dont see how thats possible in this case.
So anyhow problem solved and Ive felt a lot better not having this person in my ear talking me down etc...
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