pixy

The sun is shining, my family are well, I live in a good house, I have a new puppy - life is a blessing. Yet it is not. I wake up trying to remember when I last felt happy. Really happy. Not that feeling of another day to get through.

I then feel guilty and self indulgent. Am I wallowing in self-pity or am I just so low and it's not my fault. I am aware that the thought of a drink is there, but that I am unlikely to take it. I am stuffing everything down with food, which makes me feel awful.

I have sought serenity and peace for so long yet for some maybe it is an impossibility. My father died an angry, tortured man whose mind was never calm and I feel that is my fate too. I am nearly 2 years sober and feel as if I am cracking up.

The world goes by and I see all the smiling faces and the happiness. Facebook this morning is crammed full of people living exciting lives. It makes my isolation feel worse. I think FB is a bad idea.

I have stepped up my meetings in an attempt to feel connected, but this doesn't help that much. I don't really want to tell people that I am feeling this low either as I will come across as needy and pathetic, which perhaps I am.

I need to get back on to running. Running seemed to keep me in the realms of normality, but I got injured, started eating, got fat and depressed and then it is hard to get back to the running.

Eating well helps my mental health too. I know what I need to do to dig myself out of this hole, yet I am struggling to do it.

Soberintexas007

Hi Pixy,
Sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. I also don't do Facebook for many of those reasons, but mostly for privacy reasons. Also, exercise does help like you mentioned. I run 66 minutes almost every day, and I don't know what I would do without it. But I do fear getting injured, as then I could not run, and I fear that I also would start to gain weight from eating and then feel depressed. So I guess we need to find a deeper solution that does not solely rely on exercise.

How much time do you have sober? Have you worked the steps?

Ken33xx

Hard to say. However, if you`re feeling down much of the time perhaps you might want to see a doctor.

What I wouldn`t recommend is beating yourself up over such feelings. They are what they are and maybe a doctor might be your best bet.

IOAA2

Hi.

I mostly gained a good feeling from the experience of helping another alcoholic gain sobriety as it takes the focus off me.

BE WELL

zjw

I can relate to a lot of what you posted. depression is a slippery slope for me and I constantly have to remain proactive to keep it at bay. I wish it didnt take so much effort but staying happy doesnt come easy for me.

Like you I got a pretty ideal life. wife kids everyones happy i got a great home nice garden 2 dogs blah blah.

I also got a number of problems as well.

what do i do? I try my best to focus on the good stuff and only ONLY focus on the bad when i'm fixing an issue. otherwise if there is nothing i can do about it there is nothing i can do about and i try to just move on from it.

I keep a strict routine and eat healthy. And i also run regularly.

If i slip up and start focusing too much on something bad forget it i end up in the gutter. If i dont exercise my attitude goes south really fast. If i dont eat right I start to feel lowsy and my attitude goes south.

and yes someitmes I wish it didnt have to be this way. I've been known to cry while running numerous times becuase i think WHY? why do i have to run and do all this just to remain happy? (feeling sorry for myself) i have no issue with the running I love it I just someitmes wonder how come i cant just sit in my chair with some garbage food and the remote control and a beer in the other hand and remain happy? Cause i cant thats why. No more of a reason then that. It just is the way that it is for me.

So long as I keep up my game things seem to go ok and my mind stays out of the depressive gutter.

Its like I can wait around for life to throw awesome stuff my way to be happy about or i can be proactive and go try and get some of that myself even if its just in the form of "oh wow thats a neat spider" while weeding my garden.

ScottFromWI

Exercise can definitely help. Have you seen a counselor about your issues?

silentrun

I am about where you are in sobriety and I seem to be having a rough spot too. I haven't felt this way the whole time though. The doc put me on Celexa and it really helps.
Running used to be my go to instant happy and I can't anymore because of my back. That is when the alcohol really took off for me. Since quitting drinking I have been having some food issues especially with the sweets. My doctor told me that weight training will do the same thing for me that running used to. I haven't tried it yet but I guess it's time I give it a go.

zjw

also dont think when you look at other people on facebook that your getting hte whole story. you can feel like yoru life is awful in a jiffy just by checking facebook. I guess if everyone posted about all there problems there no one would wanna look in everyone elses window anymore though.

Lenina

Pixy, I think it's pretty insightful of you to recognize the feeling of craving as depression, for me, I noticed that when the Addictive Voice was "talking" to me, I was experiencing feelings of self pity, sadness, depression. All great reasons to self medicate, according the AV!

once I could acknowledge the AV and recognize the feeling as beast activity, it lessened and I could move on, does that make sense?

Love from Lenina

Rivelino

Brilliant and honest post that I can relate to so much.

I'm down when I'm drinking, I'm down when I'm sober, what's the ******* point?

Facebook should be renamed Fakebook. it's full of people kidding on their having a great time when really their lives are just as sad and desperate as the rest of us.

The only respite I get from my bad head is live in this moment and try to be really grateful for the positive things in my life and hope that it will all work out in the end.

Great advice as usual from people on here, plenty of physical exercise, good quality healthy food and helping others to give you a focus other than yourself seems the right thing to do.

When I get really hacked off I try to remind myself of Tony DeMello's insight.

The world is full of sorrow
The root of sorrow is attachment
The uprooting of sorrow is the dropping of attachment.
How does one do this?
By simply seeing that it is a false belief that WITHOUT THIS I CANNOT BE HAPPY.
Once you truly know this you have FREEDOM.

Jilllian

I just wanted to say that I can relate to your post as well.

I'm sure you speak for many people, not just me and the rest of the people who commented on it.

Very insightful!

INgal

I quit Facebook as well. I don't know if anyone even misses me.
I will tell you that seeing happy, involved, vacationing, celebrating families was too much too bear.
I'm more isolated but happier and more productive.

Jilllian

For me, Facebook makes me feel like an outsider.
I isolate too, and find myself pathologizing this.
For me, it's part of my personality, and maybe a little bit of depression, too.
I'm not very social, so I find my happiness in seeing things that are beautiful, like from the eyes of an "outsider" if that makes sense.
Not sure if that depression, or just the way I'm wired.
I do crave human connection though...and get a little jealous when I see "normal" people on Facebook

Anna

I'm glad you posted. I think that exercise is a great idea. If you're not ready for running yet, how about getting outside and walking, maybe with your new puppy.

I really need balance and a routine in my life or I will tend to slip towards depression. It's important to take time for yourself, too, and that can make a big difference.

RobbyRobot

I think happiness is best recognized when we have come to reasonable terms with our sadness. Not so much they are opposites, more that like a sunny day is different than a rainy day.

I think guilt is an experience really overplayed and often confused with feelings of sadness and regret. Proper guilt only comes from a realization of wrongness having happened, and taking ownership of same. Sadness is not about being wrong or right with morality of whatever issues. Sadness is a complex human emotion. Guilt is not an emotion in itself.

Self-pity, for me anyways, is my selfishly forcing myself to give up all hope of opportunity to better myself. When I bury my head in the sand, ignoring opportunities to change up my game, meet my challenges, or otherwise nourish doubt in myself, than indeed I'm wallowing in self-pity. The only real remedy I know of for self-pity is to give to others so as to realize I have worth more than just to myself, to know suffering is not unique to me, and to fully realize life is an opportunity to do more than just survive. Life is also a beautiful experience to share with others in ways which bring out the best for all and not just for one's self.

Sorry to hear about your dad. You know, you can choose otherwise. You totally can. And having 2 years of sobriety is a wonderful place from which to really make the choices to take action to ensure your own happiness no matter whatever the circumstances of your present and even future life. I know, words are easy, and yet I myself know form my own life that happiness is as much a choice to be made as is anything else in life. Choosing happiness even while experiencing hardship really only increases the worth of that same happiness, yes?

Jilllian

^^^This.
This is beautifully said!
Wowza.

greens

I spent a long time in sobriety beating myself up for feeling depressed - I would write gratitide lists pointing out my Cadillac problems and al ways tried to be optimistic. A really good friend told me, just bc other people have worse problems, doesnt mean yours are not Important.
I had to relearn what I had learned In early recovery "fake it til you make it, always be of service, get off the pity pot"
Those are all really harmful things to say to someone with depression .
depression is like alcoholsim,it is an equal opportunity employer and can effect anyone regardless of what their life looks like on the outside.
it was really Important for me to stick with other recovered people who were honest enough to admit when things aren't peachy , and to accept the bad feelings along with the good feelings - that to me, is harder than always pretending to be okay

Turtle82

Oh... isolation and gloom! I relate so much to so many posting on this thread. Many years ago, when I joined the Navy, my step-dad, who was a USN Chief, put me on the train to boot camp with these words: "The Navy will be what you make it." Not only was that true but it has been true of so much in life. I'm on FB and it helps with isolation. I can view it as a bunch of people battling as much sadness as I am in life but trying to stay positive and sharing the little inspirations they use or I can view them as a bunch of fakes. I can judge those who are having a tuff time and say so as FB drama queens or I can appreciate them reaching out and being honest. I can do the same at meetings btw. But the point is, it all starts with me.

I've written in My Story here and in blogs so much of what you've said in your OP. I've written about some of what I do there but I also do some rather "unorthodox" things. I don't know the name for what I do so I just call it "imagining" and find it really helps during the low periods that are the inevitable human condition and can be frequent due to my personality type actually. The minute, or close to it, I find my mind slipping to something negative, I create a picture in my mind that offsets it. I discovered how well this works due to a nightmare I had that was plaguing my daytime thoughts. In my nightmare, I saw an animal injured and that vision upset me so much it encroached, in an obsessive way, on my mind during the day. It was awful. So what I did every time I "saw" it was replace the image with the same animal bandaged in the injured places and saw myself sitting next to it petting it. Maybe this sounds stupid and is TMI but I'm just sharing what seems to work for me. Having learned what works from that, now, when I obsess about something negative , I create a positive image that heals it and focus on that. I'm a seriously cerebral type and realize that I create my world in my head so this is my way of making what's up there better.

Its been an interesting journey in multiple ways for me since I discovered this method. I've learned so much about myself through it.... what I tend to focus on, my fears, and how I affect my world through my thoughts.... as well as how much control I really do have over that.

I hope things get better for you. I hope this is just a blip on your path. ((hugs))

FarToGo

They might be "normal" people on Facebook, but folk are mostly presenting a spin on their life, the juicy and exciting bits, it seems to be the Facebook culture. When you get to know people for real, we're all struggling with something or other or in denial, or if not, they're in the very tiny, lucky (or maybe spiritually enlightened), minority.
Just read this back and I sound a "know all", sorry, just my opinion. x

jessie65

Pixy, like others I just wanted to say that I can relate so much to your post. I live with depression and it can be hell just to get out of bed and function. I feel your pain.

zjw, I could have written your post. I would much rather eat drink and be merry but it doesn't work for me. I'm forced to eat healthy, exercise hard 90 minutes a day, and keep active if want a sliver of happiness, and it's easy to feel sorry for myself when I'm tired and hungry and bored.
How do you stay focused? I can do 2-3 weeks of living healthy, feel decent, but then I just get tired of it, and it all goes out the window.