Success is a big trigger for me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
Success is a big trigger for me
I didn't make a thread about this as I was embarrassed and upset, but I slipped six days ago (I did confess in a blog though). Two weeks in down the drain.
I slipped there because of something that was rather strange, and instead of explaining that scenario I'll just explain tonight's as they were completely the same. The difference being that I caught myself tonight and didn't drink
But what happened is that I went out with a girl for a walk tonight and it was swell. I told her about my going for sobriety and that I wasn't comfortable with restaurants or anything, so we just took this big long stroll through town and down to the ocean.
I've been working on cigarettes too since I finished the semester, and am now not bringing them with me when I go for walks (big deal, might I add; I'm a chain smoker).
So not only was I going out with a girl and not drinking (a new thing for me), but I was also keeping cigarettes out of the equation also.
I was pretty awkward with the walk admittedly, but overall it went very well and, personally, I was very proud about my being sober for all of it---
And that's why I ended up outside of a bar the moment it was over?
This is strange, maybe hard to believe, but I don't remember driving to the bar. We had our walk, kissed goodnight, and then I got in the car all happy and proud, started home, and then found myself smoking a cigarette outside of a bar, readying to go inside.
This is what happened six days ago. I was coming home from the semester and telling my buddy who picked me up how I had managed the final two weeks sober and that I was going to keep it up, and then, somehow, ended up at a liquor store before being dropped off home.
I didn't drink tonight, but it really scared me. I actually caught the auto-pilot of the trigger tonight, and it's got something to do with success and celebration. I get proud of myself, and then end up black-out almost and searching for liquor.
It was scary, honestly. I'm not sure if anyone else is familiar with something like this, but if anyone has any advice about what to do I'm all ears. It was really too strange.
I slipped there because of something that was rather strange, and instead of explaining that scenario I'll just explain tonight's as they were completely the same. The difference being that I caught myself tonight and didn't drink
But what happened is that I went out with a girl for a walk tonight and it was swell. I told her about my going for sobriety and that I wasn't comfortable with restaurants or anything, so we just took this big long stroll through town and down to the ocean.
I've been working on cigarettes too since I finished the semester, and am now not bringing them with me when I go for walks (big deal, might I add; I'm a chain smoker).
So not only was I going out with a girl and not drinking (a new thing for me), but I was also keeping cigarettes out of the equation also.
I was pretty awkward with the walk admittedly, but overall it went very well and, personally, I was very proud about my being sober for all of it---
And that's why I ended up outside of a bar the moment it was over?
This is strange, maybe hard to believe, but I don't remember driving to the bar. We had our walk, kissed goodnight, and then I got in the car all happy and proud, started home, and then found myself smoking a cigarette outside of a bar, readying to go inside.
This is what happened six days ago. I was coming home from the semester and telling my buddy who picked me up how I had managed the final two weeks sober and that I was going to keep it up, and then, somehow, ended up at a liquor store before being dropped off home.
I didn't drink tonight, but it really scared me. I actually caught the auto-pilot of the trigger tonight, and it's got something to do with success and celebration. I get proud of myself, and then end up black-out almost and searching for liquor.
It was scary, honestly. I'm not sure if anyone else is familiar with something like this, but if anyone has any advice about what to do I'm all ears. It was really too strange.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I've had this several times. I remember getting a year sober and wanting to celebrate. Yah, you guessed it, with a drink. This went on for about 7 to 10 days. Complete insanity.
I think this has do with the habit of regulating moods via chemicals. It takes a while to just enjoy something for what it is, without the habit of trying to turn the good mood into a (artificially) better one. Enjoy what's good for what it is. It needs nothing else.
I think this has do with the habit of regulating moods via chemicals. It takes a while to just enjoy something for what it is, without the habit of trying to turn the good mood into a (artificially) better one. Enjoy what's good for what it is. It needs nothing else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by awuh1 
I've had this several times. I remember getting a year sober and wanting to celebrate. Yah, you guessed it, with a drink. This went on for about 7 to 10 days. Complete insanity.
I think this has do with the habit of regulating moods via chemicals. It takes a while to just enjoy something for what it is, without the habit of trying to turn the good mood into a (artificially) better one. Enjoy what's good for what it is. It needs nothing else.
I think this has do with the habit of regulating moods via chemicals. It takes a while to just enjoy something for what it is, without the habit of trying to turn the good mood into a (artificially) better one. Enjoy what's good for what it is. It needs nothing else.
And it is strange, about feeling the need to accentuate an already good time. With drinking, I feel mostly in control except for these odd black-outs of wanting.
But cigarettes are a completely different story for me, and where I relate most to this; I can't do anything without a cigarette. Wake up; cigarette. Get ready to study; cigarette. In-between studies; cigarette. Finished studying; cigarette.
It's endless, and it's so harmful to me. But I'm so used to this life-style that when I don't have a cigarette my body feels like it is running on hyper-drive. I don't know how to relax anymore without it being through a cigarette, and it's extremely strange, and horribly overwhelming.
But you're right. We absolutely do not need these things. Life is good, and when we earn those sober and natural rewards from doing positive and enlightening things that natural reward is truly the best and most enlivening of feelings, far more so than any fabricated chemical.
But it's hard to let that go
For myself, I truly believe I can tackle alcohol; I am just so fed up with drinking that I can handle cravings with authentic force (triggers, obviously, not so much); but cigarettes have me absolutely on my knees.But in time, right? We're all in this together
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Like awuh I found myself in that situation a few times.
I celebrated with a drink - I did it for years.
It took some conscious thought to turn that auto pilot around.
Drinking because I was scared of success or because I felt uncomfortable with feeling genuinely happy is something else I did.
It's a different thing, I think but of course they may be related?
welcome back QT
I celebrated with a drink - I did it for years.
It took some conscious thought to turn that auto pilot around.
Drinking because I was scared of success or because I felt uncomfortable with feeling genuinely happy is something else I did.
It's a different thing, I think but of course they may be related?
welcome back QT
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Here is something I wrote a while ago. Knowing these things helped me.
1) The physical withdrawal from nicotine is slightly longer than 72 hours (cold turkey). Physical withdrawal happens in the first place because our bodies have become accustomed to having an artificial chemical, nicotine, take the place of another chemicals our body naturally produces. When we start smoking our bodies in a sense say "I don't need to create these chemicals any more because nicotine is here". The most prominent thing that both nicotine, and these natural chemicals do, is to block stimulus. It prevents lots of "noise" from entering, or bouncing around our heads, and thus, makes it easier to concentrate, and regulate our emotions (at least when we are physically addicted). Withdrawal is the process of our body’s waking up to the fact that we again need to produce these natural chemicals to block the "noise" in the environment. Too much excitement, of nearly any sort, during physical withdrawal will bring on more and/or more intense cravings.
2) Psychological withdrawal is a different and longer lasting problem.
Remember after the physical withdrawal period our bodies are again making all the natural chemicals that nicotine was substituting for. After 72+ hours when craving is experienced, it is in response to a desire to control stimulation (either internal or external). For example, a little too much noise or an unpleasant emotion can bring on the urge to lessen the amount of stimulation experienced. How was this done before? With a cigarette of course. So, its the first thing we think about. The stimulus for wanting a cigarette is also called a trigger. Think of it in terms of stimulus and response associations. For example, I get angry at someone (stimulus trigger). I want to calm down so I think of having a cigarette (response). There are also a whole lot of other situations that are associated with smoking through repetition (meals, sex etc.). All these associations need to be broken. HOW? Through repetition. Have enough meals without having a cigarette afterwards and the thought of having a cigarette after meals finally goes away! Get upset enough times without a cigarette and guess what? THE THOUGHT OF HAVING ONE GOES AWAY. The bad news? It takes time. It takes multiple repetitions over a long period for the thought (the association) to go away. The good news? Chemically our bodies are now (after 72+ hours of physical withdrawal) producing all the correct chemicals to help us cope.
Another tricky part to understand is just how complicated the psychological part can be. I used to smoke 2 and 1/2 packs a day till 20 years ago. After I had quit for about 6 months I went on a trip to Las Vegas. I thought I was doing real well, few cravings and far fewer intense cravings. After opening the door to the first casino I IMMEDIATLY wanted a cigarette. Why? Because I had an association of smoking with the flashing lights the coins hitting the pans of the slot machines and all the huge amount of stimulation that goes into being in a Casino. I had not broken these associations because I had not been to Las Vegas since I had quit smoking. Events that don't happen very often and can be like land mines waiting to be stepped on.
Another tricky part of dealing with the psychological part is combinations of circumstances. Sometimes a situation has two or more associations to be broken, for example, getting angry just after a meal. It's not only a double whammy but like a whole new association to be broken.
Paying attention to exactly what association(s) is/are being broken (when the thought of a cigarette occurs or a craving happens) can help you realize that work is being done and progress is being made all the time. Eventually the urge just never comes up.
Just one more thing. If this is the last serious addiction you are dealing with (you have already quit alcohol for example) it might be even harder to quit. I think this is because of the feeling of loss of control. Chemical management of emotion is often shifted to cigarettes after drugs and or alcohol are abandoned. If you have very recently given up more destructive chemicals, you might want to rethink your timing for quitting nicotine.
In any case, the urge for a cigarette will go away... whether you have one or not.
1) The physical withdrawal from nicotine is slightly longer than 72 hours (cold turkey). Physical withdrawal happens in the first place because our bodies have become accustomed to having an artificial chemical, nicotine, take the place of another chemicals our body naturally produces. When we start smoking our bodies in a sense say "I don't need to create these chemicals any more because nicotine is here". The most prominent thing that both nicotine, and these natural chemicals do, is to block stimulus. It prevents lots of "noise" from entering, or bouncing around our heads, and thus, makes it easier to concentrate, and regulate our emotions (at least when we are physically addicted). Withdrawal is the process of our body’s waking up to the fact that we again need to produce these natural chemicals to block the "noise" in the environment. Too much excitement, of nearly any sort, during physical withdrawal will bring on more and/or more intense cravings.
2) Psychological withdrawal is a different and longer lasting problem.
Remember after the physical withdrawal period our bodies are again making all the natural chemicals that nicotine was substituting for. After 72+ hours when craving is experienced, it is in response to a desire to control stimulation (either internal or external). For example, a little too much noise or an unpleasant emotion can bring on the urge to lessen the amount of stimulation experienced. How was this done before? With a cigarette of course. So, its the first thing we think about. The stimulus for wanting a cigarette is also called a trigger. Think of it in terms of stimulus and response associations. For example, I get angry at someone (stimulus trigger). I want to calm down so I think of having a cigarette (response). There are also a whole lot of other situations that are associated with smoking through repetition (meals, sex etc.). All these associations need to be broken. HOW? Through repetition. Have enough meals without having a cigarette afterwards and the thought of having a cigarette after meals finally goes away! Get upset enough times without a cigarette and guess what? THE THOUGHT OF HAVING ONE GOES AWAY. The bad news? It takes time. It takes multiple repetitions over a long period for the thought (the association) to go away. The good news? Chemically our bodies are now (after 72+ hours of physical withdrawal) producing all the correct chemicals to help us cope.
Another tricky part to understand is just how complicated the psychological part can be. I used to smoke 2 and 1/2 packs a day till 20 years ago. After I had quit for about 6 months I went on a trip to Las Vegas. I thought I was doing real well, few cravings and far fewer intense cravings. After opening the door to the first casino I IMMEDIATLY wanted a cigarette. Why? Because I had an association of smoking with the flashing lights the coins hitting the pans of the slot machines and all the huge amount of stimulation that goes into being in a Casino. I had not broken these associations because I had not been to Las Vegas since I had quit smoking. Events that don't happen very often and can be like land mines waiting to be stepped on.
Another tricky part of dealing with the psychological part is combinations of circumstances. Sometimes a situation has two or more associations to be broken, for example, getting angry just after a meal. It's not only a double whammy but like a whole new association to be broken.
Paying attention to exactly what association(s) is/are being broken (when the thought of a cigarette occurs or a craving happens) can help you realize that work is being done and progress is being made all the time. Eventually the urge just never comes up.
Just one more thing. If this is the last serious addiction you are dealing with (you have already quit alcohol for example) it might be even harder to quit. I think this is because of the feeling of loss of control. Chemical management of emotion is often shifted to cigarettes after drugs and or alcohol are abandoned. If you have very recently given up more destructive chemicals, you might want to rethink your timing for quitting nicotine.
In any case, the urge for a cigarette will go away... whether you have one or not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by Dee74
Like awuh I found myself in that situation a few times.
I celebrated with a drink - I did it for years.
It took some conscious thought to turn that auto pilot around.
Drinking because I was scared of success or because I felt uncomfortable with feeling genuinely happy is something else I did.
It's a different thing, I think but of course they may be related?
welcome back QT
I celebrated with a drink - I did it for years.
It took some conscious thought to turn that auto pilot around.
Drinking because I was scared of success or because I felt uncomfortable with feeling genuinely happy is something else I did.
It's a different thing, I think but of course they may be related?
welcome back QT
I hope at least--- best thing I can think of :P But anything besides that extremely weird black-out; it was seriously horrifying. I have no recollection of driving out to that bar, and I was completely sober. Very scary, but maybe so scary it will make me straight!
Originally Posted by awuh1
Here is something I wrote a while ago. Knowing these things helped me.
1) The physical withdrawal from nicotine is slightly longer than 72 hours (cold turkey). Physical withdrawal happens in the first place because our bodies have become accustomed to having an artificial chemical, nicotine, take the place of another chemicals our body naturally produces. When we start smoking our bodies in a sense say "I don't need to create these chemicals any more because nicotine is here". The most prominent thing that both nicotine, and these natural chemicals do, is to block stimulus. It prevents lots of "noise" from entering, or bouncing around our heads, and thus, makes it easier to concentrate, and regulate our emotions (at least when we are physically addicted). Withdrawal is the process of our body’s waking up to the fact that we again need to produce these natural chemicals to block the "noise" in the environment. Too much excitement, of nearly any sort, during physical withdrawal will bring on more and/or more intense cravings.
2) Psychological withdrawal is a different and longer lasting problem.
Remember after the physical withdrawal period our bodies are again making all the natural chemicals that nicotine was substituting for. After 72+ hours when craving is experienced, it is in response to a desire to control stimulation (either internal or external). For example, a little too much noise or an unpleasant emotion can bring on the urge to lessen the amount of stimulation experienced. How was this done before? With a cigarette of course. So, its the first thing we think about. The stimulus for wanting a cigarette is also called a trigger. Think of it in terms of stimulus and response associations. For example, I get angry at someone (stimulus trigger). I want to calm down so I think of having a cigarette (response). There are also a whole lot of other situations that are associated with smoking through repetition (meals, sex etc.). All these associations need to be broken. HOW? Through repetition. Have enough meals without having a cigarette afterwards and the thought of having a cigarette after meals finally goes away! Get upset enough times without a cigarette and guess what? THE THOUGHT OF HAVING ONE GOES AWAY. The bad news? It takes time. It takes multiple repetitions over a long period for the thought (the association) to go away. The good news? Chemically our bodies are now (after 72+ hours of physical withdrawal) producing all the correct chemicals to help us cope.
Another tricky part to understand is just how complicated the psychological part can be. I used to smoke 2 and 1/2 packs a day till 20 years ago. After I had quit for about 6 months I went on a trip to Las Vegas. I thought I was doing real well, few cravings and far fewer intense cravings. After opening the door to the first casino I IMMEDIATLY wanted a cigarette. Why? Because I had an association of smoking with the flashing lights the coins hitting the pans of the slot machines and all the huge amount of stimulation that goes into being in a Casino. I had not broken these associations because I had not been to Las Vegas since I had quit smoking. Events that don't happen very often and can be like land mines waiting to be stepped on.
Another tricky part of dealing with the psychological part is combinations of circumstances. Sometimes a situation has two or more associations to be broken, for example, getting angry just after a meal. It's not only a double whammy but like a whole new association to be broken.
Paying attention to exactly what association(s) is/are being broken (when the thought of a cigarette occurs or a craving happens) can help you realize that work is being done and progress is being made all the time. Eventually the urge just never comes up.
Just one more thing. If this is the last serious addiction you are dealing with (you have already quit alcohol for example) it might be even harder to quit. I think this is because of the feeling of loss of control. Chemical management of emotion is often shifted to cigarettes after drugs and or alcohol are abandoned. If you have very recently given up more destructive chemicals, you might want to rethink your timing for quitting nicotine.
In any case, the urge for a cigarette will go away... whether you have one or not.
1) The physical withdrawal from nicotine is slightly longer than 72 hours (cold turkey). Physical withdrawal happens in the first place because our bodies have become accustomed to having an artificial chemical, nicotine, take the place of another chemicals our body naturally produces. When we start smoking our bodies in a sense say "I don't need to create these chemicals any more because nicotine is here". The most prominent thing that both nicotine, and these natural chemicals do, is to block stimulus. It prevents lots of "noise" from entering, or bouncing around our heads, and thus, makes it easier to concentrate, and regulate our emotions (at least when we are physically addicted). Withdrawal is the process of our body’s waking up to the fact that we again need to produce these natural chemicals to block the "noise" in the environment. Too much excitement, of nearly any sort, during physical withdrawal will bring on more and/or more intense cravings.
2) Psychological withdrawal is a different and longer lasting problem.
Remember after the physical withdrawal period our bodies are again making all the natural chemicals that nicotine was substituting for. After 72+ hours when craving is experienced, it is in response to a desire to control stimulation (either internal or external). For example, a little too much noise or an unpleasant emotion can bring on the urge to lessen the amount of stimulation experienced. How was this done before? With a cigarette of course. So, its the first thing we think about. The stimulus for wanting a cigarette is also called a trigger. Think of it in terms of stimulus and response associations. For example, I get angry at someone (stimulus trigger). I want to calm down so I think of having a cigarette (response). There are also a whole lot of other situations that are associated with smoking through repetition (meals, sex etc.). All these associations need to be broken. HOW? Through repetition. Have enough meals without having a cigarette afterwards and the thought of having a cigarette after meals finally goes away! Get upset enough times without a cigarette and guess what? THE THOUGHT OF HAVING ONE GOES AWAY. The bad news? It takes time. It takes multiple repetitions over a long period for the thought (the association) to go away. The good news? Chemically our bodies are now (after 72+ hours of physical withdrawal) producing all the correct chemicals to help us cope.
Another tricky part to understand is just how complicated the psychological part can be. I used to smoke 2 and 1/2 packs a day till 20 years ago. After I had quit for about 6 months I went on a trip to Las Vegas. I thought I was doing real well, few cravings and far fewer intense cravings. After opening the door to the first casino I IMMEDIATLY wanted a cigarette. Why? Because I had an association of smoking with the flashing lights the coins hitting the pans of the slot machines and all the huge amount of stimulation that goes into being in a Casino. I had not broken these associations because I had not been to Las Vegas since I had quit smoking. Events that don't happen very often and can be like land mines waiting to be stepped on.
Another tricky part of dealing with the psychological part is combinations of circumstances. Sometimes a situation has two or more associations to be broken, for example, getting angry just after a meal. It's not only a double whammy but like a whole new association to be broken.
Paying attention to exactly what association(s) is/are being broken (when the thought of a cigarette occurs or a craving happens) can help you realize that work is being done and progress is being made all the time. Eventually the urge just never comes up.
Just one more thing. If this is the last serious addiction you are dealing with (you have already quit alcohol for example) it might be even harder to quit. I think this is because of the feeling of loss of control. Chemical management of emotion is often shifted to cigarettes after drugs and or alcohol are abandoned. If you have very recently given up more destructive chemicals, you might want to rethink your timing for quitting nicotine.
In any case, the urge for a cigarette will go away... whether you have one or not.
I am definitely not "through" with alcohol (I did start this thread saying I relapsed, after all!), but I am confident. I don't mean arrogant, but that I just know that I can do this. I hate alcohol--- I really do. In the couple of weeks I've been at sobriety again I've said no to many alcohol invites, including an event where someone shoved a shot glass right beneath my nose even.
I had a slip, but I truly believe in myself with quitting alcohol.
Cigarettes though--- maybe it's not a good time to quit with my focusing on alcohol, but at the same time I am really starting to get "bad" from cigarettes.
My heart has hurt for about 2 years from cigarettes. It gets so tight that once a month I get so locked up in pain that I can't move for 10 minutes at a time. I just have to sit and take these very small and shallow breaths until my heart is freed from whatever the heck is happening.
My throat is also burning all of the time. And I'll be honest; my biggest fear in the world is getting throat cancer and then having to have that robotic voice and hole in my throat. It really is. And my throat--- it hurts a lot, and frequently. Plus it's big; my adam's apple is oddly large, and I'm always confused about what is going on behind that thing.
I just really want to quit cigarettes, and while it might not be the best time to quit them, I also feel like maybe it's the most capable? I am trying so hard to grasp the goodness of sobriety in my life right now, and this being summer vacation between semesters I've all of this time and opportunity to really explore authentic, 100% sober living, and I'm excited to experience it. I'm eating good food, buying delicious milkshakes instead of beer, and just loving it--- but these cigarettes are the one thing that are really crippling me, mentally and physically, from being able to truly feel sober life.
Last thing to say; your paragraph on associating cigarettes is especially helpful to me. I'm working on that with not bringing cigarettes with me walking, and I just made a thread in the nicotine section here on SR asking about other things I can try and not bring cigarettes with to get used to it.
Ideally, when this bag of tobacco I have runs out in 2 weeks, I want to try for cold turkey I think--- but I've gotta really believe I can do this before trying! I understand it's a risk, especially doing this alongside quitting alcohol, but it still feels right--- although maybe that is arrogance, or just hyper excitement?
I have to be careful with this, anyway. But either way; your post was excellent!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Oh my gosh, your post had a lot of meaning to me for one particular reason. My therapist has been asking why I did not like going out to lunch on Easter with my husband's family, and we finally came to the conclusion that it was about money. But, deep down, I knew that it wasn't. And your post answered my riddle. I did not like the fact that it was at a restaurant. You are right, restaurants may be a trigger for us early recovering alcoholics. I had never figured that out until I read your post!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
