today feels better
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 133
today feels better
Last night was difficult, was dreading today... I didn't want to do another day like that, sitting here drinking then waiting for the shakes to kick in to have another one, I know that's probably not the best way to do it but it's literally like after maybe an hour I can start to feel that tremble, I just didn't want to be doing it at all. I don't want to drink. I just want this to be over.
But I don't feel so desperate right now. There's no anxiety when I think about my ex, even though she's relapsed, it almost feels like a relief - I don't mean that in a malicious way, but she threatened to drink a lot and used it in arguments and I talked her through some bad moments where she had a bottle in her hand, so I kind of feel like I don't have this knot of tension around it, like it's done now, what's the next step? And she hasn't contacted me at all since, and I usually get mountains of texts from her every day so I guess it feels like something was let go. Maybe she let go of me. I hope so. There's the branch where you can start rebuilding into something else, whatever her motivations for manipulating me. But we'll see. I feel more calm and together today, at any rate.
Just gonna continue to post here like, I keep fighting the idea I'm annoying everyone but **** it, either way I'm still here.
But I don't feel so desperate right now. There's no anxiety when I think about my ex, even though she's relapsed, it almost feels like a relief - I don't mean that in a malicious way, but she threatened to drink a lot and used it in arguments and I talked her through some bad moments where she had a bottle in her hand, so I kind of feel like I don't have this knot of tension around it, like it's done now, what's the next step? And she hasn't contacted me at all since, and I usually get mountains of texts from her every day so I guess it feels like something was let go. Maybe she let go of me. I hope so. There's the branch where you can start rebuilding into something else, whatever her motivations for manipulating me. But we'll see. I feel more calm and together today, at any rate.
Just gonna continue to post here like, I keep fighting the idea I'm annoying everyone but **** it, either way I'm still here.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
Being sober for oneself is all we can handle so it is a starting place. I needed to be rid of any negative distractions in order to get and stay sober.
This is a life or death situation.
KEEP COMING AND BE WELL
Being sober for oneself is all we can handle so it is a starting place. I needed to be rid of any negative distractions in order to get and stay sober.
This is a life or death situation.
KEEP COMING AND BE WELL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 133
one thing i've been fighting with probably for a long time was the inability to acknowledge that my problem is legitimate, because of that concept i've seen discussed in a couple of threads - the misconstrued idea of what constitutes a 'real' alcoholic, which was something my ex constantly drilled into me, and mocked. she was always encouraging me to drink through my problems and whenever i felt uncomfortable with my drinking she'd sit me down and tell me how i didn't have a problem and that it was okay to turn to drink every now and then, that i was just going through a hard time and that a few drinks to relieve it was absolutely fine, and she'd compare me to people she knew who would drink a lot, friends who she'd say went for months drinking and then just stopped, how her friend who worked in a bar and drank every night got the shakes in the morning but that was okay because it wasn't addiction, it was only physical dependence and there was no psychological connection with it so it was alright (as i'm writing this out i realise how ****** up this sounds... especially coming from an alcoholic...)
lol i just had to take a moment to really let that sink in wow. there would be bottles of sambuca and amaretto lined up on the sofa, i'd go through over 30 units a night and whatever it was on top of that at the pub but you know every time i was like look my drinking is kind of out of hand, nope, there she was telling me not to worry about it... i once drank an entire bottle of absinthe straight from the bottle... and she was adamant it was just a thing i was going through. and i believed her. i didn't think there was anything wrong with the way i was drinking.
but it's only been in the last six months i guess that i've struggled with realising and acknowledging i have a ******* problem look at me, look... but there was still this idea of what a 'real' alcoholic was supposed to look like and how they are supposed to behave. and still drinking every night when i was crying to her scared in an anxiety attack, she was telling me i didn't have the energy to be an alcoholic, whatever that is supposed to mean, and i felt embarrassed to say i have a problem, like i would never be in the same places she'd reached, like my problem is sub par to hers, or any of the people she's been in rehab with... that this isn't REAL alcoholism, and that word is still weird in my mouth like i can't say it out loud, like this is just a phase or something...
when I spoke to an online friend the other month and divulged I was trying to taper off and was struggling with it, she told me how she'd helped an ex taper from alcohol by mixing up lager with orange juice and gave me some advice on doing it that way. I told my ex this and she laughed at me... like laughed like it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard anyone say, like she couldn't breathe, said 'you'll never be a real alcoholic, that's what we give kids in liverpool'... needless to say I got very drunk that night on a bottle of sambuca.
this feeling of illegitimacy is dangerous and defining amounts or approach or drawing lines that state at what point someone is 'this far gone' can't be underscored enough as absolute bullsh*t. I'm still trying to tell myself that this is real, and i'm partly writing this because i've had some resentment come up in me today after posting this thread, aimed towards my ex, not because she relapsed but because I feel like everyone around her right now has judged and weighed her relapse to supersede my little drinking problem because she's the REAL alcoholic – comparatively what am I, or anyone else, in the face of her past... i'm not begrudging her support; everyone deserves it irrespective of situation, if you're hurting you're hurting and that's what counts. but I know there's a level of dismissal and judgement based on the definition that people maintain for addiction and as far as they're concerned, I ain't it. I know I don't need them to justify or vindicate my problems. But it makes me angry and I am struggling with that sense of belittlement.
I'm telling myself there is no such thing as a real alcoholic or being too far gone, there's only pain and feeling so engulfed the only foreseeable option is to try and bury it, then realising the exit is a black hole. and that's something you can't measure.
lol i just had to take a moment to really let that sink in wow. there would be bottles of sambuca and amaretto lined up on the sofa, i'd go through over 30 units a night and whatever it was on top of that at the pub but you know every time i was like look my drinking is kind of out of hand, nope, there she was telling me not to worry about it... i once drank an entire bottle of absinthe straight from the bottle... and she was adamant it was just a thing i was going through. and i believed her. i didn't think there was anything wrong with the way i was drinking.
but it's only been in the last six months i guess that i've struggled with realising and acknowledging i have a ******* problem look at me, look... but there was still this idea of what a 'real' alcoholic was supposed to look like and how they are supposed to behave. and still drinking every night when i was crying to her scared in an anxiety attack, she was telling me i didn't have the energy to be an alcoholic, whatever that is supposed to mean, and i felt embarrassed to say i have a problem, like i would never be in the same places she'd reached, like my problem is sub par to hers, or any of the people she's been in rehab with... that this isn't REAL alcoholism, and that word is still weird in my mouth like i can't say it out loud, like this is just a phase or something...
when I spoke to an online friend the other month and divulged I was trying to taper off and was struggling with it, she told me how she'd helped an ex taper from alcohol by mixing up lager with orange juice and gave me some advice on doing it that way. I told my ex this and she laughed at me... like laughed like it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard anyone say, like she couldn't breathe, said 'you'll never be a real alcoholic, that's what we give kids in liverpool'... needless to say I got very drunk that night on a bottle of sambuca.
this feeling of illegitimacy is dangerous and defining amounts or approach or drawing lines that state at what point someone is 'this far gone' can't be underscored enough as absolute bullsh*t. I'm still trying to tell myself that this is real, and i'm partly writing this because i've had some resentment come up in me today after posting this thread, aimed towards my ex, not because she relapsed but because I feel like everyone around her right now has judged and weighed her relapse to supersede my little drinking problem because she's the REAL alcoholic – comparatively what am I, or anyone else, in the face of her past... i'm not begrudging her support; everyone deserves it irrespective of situation, if you're hurting you're hurting and that's what counts. but I know there's a level of dismissal and judgement based on the definition that people maintain for addiction and as far as they're concerned, I ain't it. I know I don't need them to justify or vindicate my problems. But it makes me angry and I am struggling with that sense of belittlement.
I'm telling myself there is no such thing as a real alcoholic or being too far gone, there's only pain and feeling so engulfed the only foreseeable option is to try and bury it, then realising the exit is a black hole. and that's something you can't measure.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Have you been to AA? There are ALL kinds of stories--all from "real" alcoholics. Some of them lost everything, went to prison, lived in a box. Some of them still had nice cars, homes, families, and jobs. It's easy to listen to some of the "horror stories" and compare yourself and say, "Wow, I'm not THAT bad." That's why newcomers are told to "identify, not compare."
I still had most of the trappings of a pretty good life. But I could feel myself losing my grip on them, a little more every day. It was just a matter of time until the losses started accumulating.
What I found interesting is that when I paid attention not to the details of the stories, but to what people said about how they FELT about drinking--how important it was to them, how it made them feel--it turned out that I had a whole lot in common with the people who wound up homeless or in prison.
You earned your seat every bit as much as any other alcoholic. If you haven't been to AA, I strongly suggest you check it out.
I still had most of the trappings of a pretty good life. But I could feel myself losing my grip on them, a little more every day. It was just a matter of time until the losses started accumulating.
What I found interesting is that when I paid attention not to the details of the stories, but to what people said about how they FELT about drinking--how important it was to them, how it made them feel--it turned out that I had a whole lot in common with the people who wound up homeless or in prison.
You earned your seat every bit as much as any other alcoholic. If you haven't been to AA, I strongly suggest you check it out.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
I shun people who think they are qualified to determine and/or define what is "true alcoholism." And, please pardon me for being frank, but your girlfriend is just plain dumb! If you're "just physically dependent" that isn't addiction? For real?! I can just hear her if you were ever to drink yourself to death. "I don't know whatever happened. He wasn't even an alcoholic!" There are plenty definitions of alcoholism on the web from real experts in the field. I have yet to see one that based it on the amount of alcohol consumed, other than to say alcoholics usually exceed what has been deemed "safe" by medical professionals and often increase their intake due to increased tolerance. Physical dependence and withdrawal are most certainly symptoms of alcoholism.
Alcoholism Definition - Diseases and Conditions - Mayo Clinic
If you are having withdrawal symptoms, and it sounds like you definitely are, that fits the definition of alcoholism.
Alcoholism Definition - Diseases and Conditions - Mayo Clinic
If you are having withdrawal symptoms, and it sounds like you definitely are, that fits the definition of alcoholism.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 133
no, i haven't been, apart from that useless trip to the doctors, tomorrow is the first day i'm really going to see anyone to get treatment or speak about it in a capacity where i'm saying officially i need help... partly because of that feeling like my problems weren't worth it.
sorry getmeout i had this reply open then saw your post... gimme a sec
sorry getmeout i had this reply open then saw your post... gimme a sec
Last edited by lycanlaz; 03-08-2015 at 03:18 PM. Reason: new posts
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 133
yeah you know i started to wonder if she was trying to encourage me to get a drinking problem because it made her more capable of coping with her own problem - i know she had massive guilt about it. that was another thing that made me feel like my problem wasn't as bad; i've never hidden my drinking. like she would go to great efforts to hide it and then destroy herself over the shame... but i guess maybe it was a countermeasure with me, because i was able to say oh look, i'm not trying to cover it up so obviously it's okay.
actual withdrawals were what made me look at the issue like ****, maybe i do have a real problem. and now here i am and ive been trying for months to stop and i can't.
actual withdrawals were what made me look at the issue like ****, maybe i do have a real problem. and now here i am and ive been trying for months to stop and i can't.
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