upquark

I'm not sure that I'm an alcoholic per se, so I sat and stared at the forum and forum divisions for a long time not sure where to post. I really wished there was a general 'addiction' sort of section where people are posting stories all together. Oh well. Here I have made my choice and you can judge for yourself if it is a good one. For some reason I really feel compelled to put this out there though. I have this sense it will help me even though I'm not entirely sure how.

I originally came to this forum with an opiate addiction. I got clean, relapse after a year and overdosed, and since then have been clean over a year. During that past year of being clean I have looked at the question of drinking. I decided at some point it was a good idea to be sober, at least for a while, because the drinking rate was going up and causing some problems. Alright, without going into an overwhelming novel, one of the reasons my current wife left me was drinking. We were doing couples counseling and such to work through that, and yesterday morning she told me she was done and was filing for divorce. I had managed to remain sober at that point for a couple of months, but apparently that did not satisfy her. I suppose it's good for me to keep in mind that my first wife left me for the drug use. It would be a country song except I still have my cat.

So why am I posting here now. Last night I had such desire to get high. I started to think about it all in incredible detail, how it feels. I was so miserable about my situation with the divorce and all, I allowed myself this indulgence. As this was going on, I left my apartment to walk around. By this point my mood was pretty dark. At some point I started to source mentally where I might score some of my DOC, and at that point, dropped by a bar. I now feel pretty crappy. In a way I am relieved I didn't end up using any drugs, but I'm pretty concerned about the drinking. I think I should also add I did something similar last weekend, but I drank a lot less.

At any rate, this is heavy on my mind this morning as I milk my alka seltzer. Thanks for reading...

Soberwolf

Hi Upquark for me it comes down on acceptance & having a sobriety plan to help make change happen

Ive heard of ppl swapping addictions im not saying thats happening but if your concerned then staying sober eliminates all your concern

Awesome job on quitting & getting clean for 1 year+

the support here is fantastic

sugarbear1

If I use anything not to feel and to change my mood, even for a little while; then I try to be sober, but keep falling back on something, then there may be a concern.

Try not to use any substance. Talk with a therapist about this concern, hopefully someone with great knowledge of substance abuse.....

Stay strong, up, you can do this sober thing!!!!!

brynn

Upquark...whether you call yourself an alcoholic or not, the bottom line is that drinking is causing some pretty serious problems in your life. Your wife is leaving you because of your drinking and that in itself is a huge red flag that yeah, you might have a problem.
Congrats on one year clean! I hope you'll consider quitting the booze, too. You deserve a life free of the bondage of addiction!

upquark

thanks all, I appreciate the feedback. I should take the booze more seriously yeah. I think when I am feeling very tempted I see booze as the lesser of two evils so it is less bad than other options. Yeah a lot to think about how to handle all that.

Eddiebuckle

Upquark,

Cross addiction is pretty common, and it sounds like that may be your situation. Regardless, when the chips are down and we start on the slippery slope of using alternatives to our DOC rather than dealing with those things that drive us to drink and use, it's hard to call ourselves sober. If you went out to a bar last weekend, and your wife decided she wanted to split this weekend, it's not exactly true that you have been sober until she told you about her decision.

This may sound like nit picking - but you cannot solve a problem that you do not recognize as such. If your first wife left over opiates, and your current wife wants to leave over alcohol - I'd say both substances are serious problems for you.

upquark

thanks eddie. I suppose I should clarify she had no idea I drank last weekend because we have been separated and working on counseling, and she had more or less stopped communicating with me starting about last weekend (before the drinking of last weekend). She originally left our place because I had gone on a drinking stint and she told me I became unpleasant and she found it scary. I am trying to take everything in and organize it all. I am apt to distrust her word now because I'm fairly certain she's into someone else... but it if is true that I am unpleasant while drinking that is all the more reason for me to take it much more seriously.