Cultivating Authenticity
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Cultivating Authenticity
"The idea that we can choose authenticity makes most of us feel both hopeful and exhausted. We feel hopeful because being real is something we value. Most of us are drawn to warm, down-to-earth, honest people, and we aspire to be like that in our own lives. We feel exhausted because without even giving it too much thought, most of us know that choosing authenticity in a culture that dictates everything from how much we’re supposed to weigh to what our houses are supposed to look like is a huge undertaking.
Given the magnitude of the task at hand – be authentic in a culture that wants you to “fit in” and “people-please” – I decided to use my research to develop a definition of authenticity that I could use as a touchstone. What is the anatomy of authenticity? What are the parts that come together to create an authentic self? Here’s what I developed:
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.
Choosing authenticity means:
*cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
*exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and
*nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.
Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we're wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.
Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives."
- from The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown
Given the magnitude of the task at hand – be authentic in a culture that wants you to “fit in” and “people-please” – I decided to use my research to develop a definition of authenticity that I could use as a touchstone. What is the anatomy of authenticity? What are the parts that come together to create an authentic self? Here’s what I developed:
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.
Choosing authenticity means:
*cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
*exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and
*nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.
Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we're wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.
Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives."
- from The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown
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I loved that book, Jennie 
I think that authenticity is quite an umbrella term, it's been defined and discussed in so many ways, depending on subject matter, perspective, author, philosophical orientation, culture, and so on. Maybe a little similar as terms like "truth", "intimacy", or even "spirituality".
What you have posted here is definitely useful in the context of struggling with insecurities, fitting in, and acceptance.
I think that authenticity is quite an umbrella term, it's been defined and discussed in so many ways, depending on subject matter, perspective, author, philosophical orientation, culture, and so on. Maybe a little similar as terms like "truth", "intimacy", or even "spirituality".
What you have posted here is definitely useful in the context of struggling with insecurities, fitting in, and acceptance.
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Same for me, Awuh. Pretense is more exhausting.
But I do understand she's talking about a conflict deciding between two things... do I keep up the status quo or do I go and do the thing I want, and sort of step out of the hamster wheel? It can be lonely, and thereby exhausting, to go your own way... or, so I've found.
But I do understand she's talking about a conflict deciding between two things... do I keep up the status quo or do I go and do the thing I want, and sort of step out of the hamster wheel? It can be lonely, and thereby exhausting, to go your own way... or, so I've found.
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Completely agree, awuh. I think pretense and not following our heart and values is not only exhausting, but also very anxiety-inducing, at least for me, although this may not be general, depending on what someone's dominant self-defense mechanisms are. For me at least, this is one reason why all the pretense, false image, lies, bad faith etc that is associated with addiction is so extremely devastating and causes extreme levels of dissonance and anxiety. Even just recalling that in this very moment as I type is disturbing for me.
But it's also not easy, and not free of dread for most of us to be, or to become "who we are" -- so many of us just don't know how to even start...
But it's also not easy, and not free of dread for most of us to be, or to become "who we are" -- so many of us just don't know how to even start...
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Hi SJ! I enjoyed Brene Brown's book that you quoted, and her work on the topic of shame.
I've found that when I do the next right thing, I'm closer to my authentic self than I am when I have an end in mind.
I've found that when I do the next right thing, I'm closer to my authentic self than I am when I have an end in mind.
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Am only going into my 7th week of sobriety. Previous to these last 3 years of slowly increasing alcohol consumption (does alcoholism increase?), had gone 15 years without a drink.
Am struggling right now as I "wakeup," looking at my "old" life with newly sober eyes. I Feel so critical, of self and others and particularly resentful of, and vulnerable to, folks drinking around me . Was raised by alcoholics, so maybe drinking seems normal? After thinking about others drinking, it seemed wiser, for now, to continue to work on my own &@?!, as opposed to wading into another persons choices, which surely is only a projection of my own desire and confusion and a rehashing of a story who's ending I already know? It's hard enough to be the pilot of ones own sobriety, curiousity, joy and authenticity.
Just some thoughts about my struggles with authenticity and sobriety. Hopefully the longer this booze-less life goes, the clearer my choices will become, although I suspect no matter how much time passes, they will not be easy and too much time will make things worse.
Am struggling right now as I "wakeup," looking at my "old" life with newly sober eyes. I Feel so critical, of self and others and particularly resentful of, and vulnerable to, folks drinking around me . Was raised by alcoholics, so maybe drinking seems normal? After thinking about others drinking, it seemed wiser, for now, to continue to work on my own &@?!, as opposed to wading into another persons choices, which surely is only a projection of my own desire and confusion and a rehashing of a story who's ending I already know? It's hard enough to be the pilot of ones own sobriety, curiousity, joy and authenticity.
Just some thoughts about my struggles with authenticity and sobriety. Hopefully the longer this booze-less life goes, the clearer my choices will become, although I suspect no matter how much time passes, they will not be easy and too much time will make things worse.
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