mapp

Hi all, very down, needing to vent because I don't know what else to do. As mentioned in previous posts, lost everything over the last 18 months due to rapid downward spiral into alcoholism.. finally admitted to myself inpatient rehab is last resort, I have been unable to maintain sobriety and begin real recovery myself, even with great family, friend and outpatient program support.

The process to enter inpatient treatment is grueling and frustrating to say the least (especially if Medicaid insured),and I've given up often. Finally I went to an intake interview and apparently the wait is on for Medicaid approval. If approved, all one can do is then call the facility everyday until bed becomes available and be ready to go for 28 days at a moment's notice. Not so easy to plan for under any circumstances for anyone, especially with children... but no choice.

So, while I wait, i'm,physically and mentally broken down (depression, anxiety through the roof). I am,physically sick because of, and just the thought of drinking, yet somehow there's still a craving. That floors me.

I don't want to be away from family for so long, especially during holidays, but really have no choice...

I'm sad and scared, and don't know if I have hope at this point, but know there's no choice if I want to survive on any level.

Thanks for listening...

Dee74

I hope the approval comes through soon Mapp.
In the meantime, please do hang out here - you're not alone

D

mapp

Thank you Dee. Thank you.

micealc

have you ever tried to stop before....have you ever tried AA....dont ever give up hope....there is always hope Mapp....you can do this without rehab if you attend AA....i did it...its not easy but you can make it if you make a gigantic effort.....heres hoping you will call someone from AA in your town...they will come a bring you to a meeting...good luck

Hevyn

Mapp, I'm sorry you're having a bad time of it. I'm really glad you wanted to talk about it here though. We understand what you're going through, but once you get yourself well and healthy again - you can rebuild your life and never return to that miserable place.

I knew in my 20's that I was headed for trouble. I did nothing to stop the progression - the way you are. Be proud of yourself that you've taken action. You won't suffer into your 50's the way I did. I think you're brave and strong - even though I know you don't feel that way at the moment.

mapp

Hi Micealc, I have tried to stop before , and had up to a few months of sobriety at different points. I have been to AA, and while it's helpful, it hasn't been enough, for me. I need to break the cycle I'm in, particularly because I'm home alone quite a bit, and that's a really risky time for me.

This is all still so new, and I'm not sure of any decisions I'm making, but something is telling me I must try this route. It is very hard to do with middle school aged children, but sadly, even they are rooting for me to go at this point.

mapp

Thanks Hevyn. You're right, I don't feel brave or strong right now, just the opposite. But I do appreciate what you are saying. Truly.

Hevyn

I remember the pain and anxiety all too well, even after almost 7 yrs. sober. There is so much to look forward to - you'll be free of it and a better life will begin.

mapp

I also scheduled an appointment for a physical on Monday. It's something I've been avoiding for far too long - afraid to learn of what kind of physical damage may have been caused by drinking. But no good sticking my head in the sand about that any longer - if there is something I can do to undo any damage (besides stopping drinking), I want to be able to do it! Oh, and I have an aprn appointment tomorrow to renew and review all current meds. I have not been compliant while drinking with anti depressants, etc., and that hasn't helped the situation!

mapp

So happy to hear that you have 7 years Hevyn! Fantastic. And gives hope. May I ask if you went to rehab, and if so, how was your experience? Anyone's input on rehab experience would be much appreciated.

Hevyn

I didn't have any way to pay for it mapp - so I just white knuckled it (not recommended). I was drinking all day, so it was quit or die. Coming here really helped me through it.

ScottFromWI

Don't give up hope Mapp. And definitely don't forget that ultimately it is you and the power already there inside you that will get you sober. Sure some of us need rehab. Some of us use AA. Some pray and some do all of the above. But the common factor is that we are all the same people sober that we were as a drunk, we just accept it now and know how to live without drinking. You, today, right this minute have what it takes to get sober...you just have to let it blossom. Don't ever forget that...you can do it not matter what anyone else says or does.

mapp

I was starting to drink all day too. So not good. After losing my job, insurance and savings, I was lucky to qualify for Medicaid. So while the treatment centers that are covered may not be on the same level as private insurance covered (or self pay)facilities, without it, there'd be no way at all to access treatment. I have to be grateful for that.

I have no real way to gauge the quality of this place, but, am hoping if I put everything I have into, I will have success.

And I am hoping the sacrifice and difficulty of being apart from my children is going pay off exponentially in the long run.

mapp

Hello and thank you Scott. I think my biggest naysayer right now is myself. I do have encouragement from great family and friends. I need to find that not only will I be successful in maintaining sobriety, but also that I'll regain the confidence needed to live a successful, productive and meaningful life again. And to be able to give back to others...

Mountainmanbob

going into treatment many years ago was the best thing that I could have ever done best of luck to you signed mountain man

mapp

Thanks mountainman! Hearing rehab success stories gives hope.

Mountainmanbob

You are welcome.
I think that rehab gives one a great start on their Recovery Program.
Why ?
Gives us much time without outside issues to concentrate on staying sober.
Sobriety tools galore are taught and shared.

Education regarding alcoholism.

Most come out with 28 days or more without a drink.
And realize what a blessing sobriety is.
Now so as to keep it I must stay busy in (my Program)

(my Program)
Seems to be one of the keys -- for all do it just a little differently.

I must find mine and work on it daily.
If used correctly makes us much better people.
I think that is what most of us were looking for.

Hard to be a better person while drunk with a drink in my hand.

MM

Hevyn

Hope you're doing ok mapp - thinking of you.

mapp

Hi Hevyn, thanks for checking in! I am doing ok...still sober (yes!), and checking things off my to do list to,get ready for rehab. I tire so easily these days (body adjusting to being alcohol free i guess). Had a lovely dinner with my boys - a simple and lovely treasure...hope you are doing well.

EndGameNYC

Hi mapp.

I only saw your thread a couple of minutes ago. I posted this earlier on another thread about rehab. I've also pasted a link to that thread. I hope it helps.

Entering rehab was a HUGE relief for me. I was broken in every way that a human being can be broken, and I had no place else to go. I put myself into it fully since, well, that's usually what I do when I'm sober, whether or not I like what I'm doing. Good for the soul and all that. Plus, what else was I going to do?

It gave me separation from my crazy and destructive fantasy life, and I was virtually obligation-free for twenty eight days. I was still broken when I left, so I continued to take care of myself, believing that once I get back on my feet I'd resume my drinking. Didn't work out that way.

So, for me, rehab was a blessing, a genuine gift that turned out to be the beginning of a new and better life.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5017568