ESD907

See guys I'm from the school that says, if you have one disease, you wont get anymore. I say, iF you had one bad car wreck, You are safe now. THAT me. I know, ITS never never land. But its how I've gotten thru life. SO today, the 2nd mammo was bad. I'm like COME ON. really. SO now i have to have cancer surgery. really. really. Is this a bad joke? MY son is in chemo, I'm in chemo for something else. my husband is well, out. HE"S not nearly as brave as I. and to add, my inlaws building in NYC just went co op, which means I'm getting them too soon. JESUS CHRIST. I think death looks lovely sometimes. (I don't actually mean that). just venting. so now I have to have a lumpectomy. then chemo. really. really. while you are in there, just take out everything please. I know I'm whining.

SoberLeigh

Are they certain that it is cancerous???? Have you had a biopsy?

I had a lumpectomy almost 30 years ago; large mass but blessedly benign. Hope the same for you, Lorraine.

ImperfectlyMe

Not whining ESD! That's a hell of a lot to be thrown at you. As you put me in your, your are now in my prayers. Take little moments through out the day to observe something truly beautiful you'd otherwise normally miss.

zjw

sometimes with life it seems like you get knocked down and beaten up and then what happens? something comes along and kicks you in the teeth. I've seen it said it doesnt matter how many times you get knocked down and how many times you get smacked up side the head. what matters is how many times you get back up.

Your problems make mind seem well rather insignificant. and tell me you have got to be one heck of a strong person.

hang in there.

Gilmer

Wow, Lorraine! I'm so sorry!

Soberwolf

Good luck

ESD907

You know what? I think I'll be okay. I'm one of those who always is. I will be one who lives to 100 and willard scots grandson will welcome me into that club. YOU know what the worst part of today has been so far. IS its only 11:21a.m. I finally called my old friend VAL.. I pettty much ended our friendship becaue of my drinking. I called her to say, I'm sorry. SHE was the 1st person I acdtually said outloud. I"M an alcoholic. and then I get this stupid phone call beeping in. I was already crying when I answered. I was like, OH sure, this is par for my course. Lets go ahead and take a head xray to, perhaps we'll find a giant growth there also. Maybe we should start shopping for a new mom/wife for my family. I know, I'm again, at the pity party. ITS becoming my 'spot'. Yet today, I'll be waiting at various bus stops for my kids. I'll be cooking dinner, and best of all, Thors old scout bud's are coming over to make s'mores with (for)him. SO life is actually pretty freaking good.

SoberLeigh

We are with you, Lorraine. You have so very much on your plate, Lorraine. You are a rock of strength.

ESD907

you know what is funny/ I think I'm weak. YET so many tell me, I'm strong. I mean from my 'mom' to my brothers. THEY all have said, Lori, you are amazing. you are the best mother I've ever seen. YOU do things no one else every would YET I see an alcoholic in the mirror. I see an ashamed woman. I see a jerk who needed booze to get thru many activities. BUT my family see's me differently. I'm starting to believe them. Maybe I am ok. Maybe I am 'great'. You know what I mean, I don't really mean i'm great. maybe my natural self is a decent person. IF I am anything like my mother, damn i'm close to godlike. SHE was amazing. SOME day, I'll write about her. pretty soon, because I think if/when I do, I'll be able to put her passing, well in the past.

SoberLeigh

All I can say is that I see a pretty amazing woman.

Anna

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this.

I wish you well with the upcoming chemotherapy.

zjw

you are what you are. An inspiration to some a thorn in the side to someone else. Your probably awesome at one thing and terrible at another. Your the perfect you and so long as your doing your best thats all you can do.

Alcoholics are so great at beating themselves up all by themselves we really dont need any encouragement in this area. Think about someone like Robin Williams he made so many laugh touched a lot of lives but what did /he/ see when he looked in the mirror?

A good friend of the family passed away and at his funeral the preacher rambled on about how while this guy may not have been the next super star of sorts he sure was a super star in all our lives. In all of our lives he was way bigger and more importnat any big famous somebody any of us can think of. This particular guy was allowed to cross all our patths and touch all our lives for various different reasons and in that small world he was a pretty big and important guy.

That being said maybe you need to shrink your world view a little bit and realize that in your world in the group of folks your path crosses your more then likly a rather inspiring meaningful person.

We can focus on the bad stuff and feel bad its pretty easy to do. or we can focus on the good stuff and feel better. No it wont magically wash the bad things away but would you rather feel good or bad? Its a struggle focusing on the positive for me its not something that comes easily for me but it can be done.

ESD907

zjw. no one...and i mean no one has ever put my own words in front of me. YOU did and I thank you. I think i may be seeing myself for the 1st time. IM not as grand as I believed. I"M like anyone. I'm just normal. Maybe my family telling me I was amazing was not a good thing. you guys would not believe it if I told you what is happening in my mind right now.

SoberLeigh

What is happening in your mind is important to us. Do you need to talk?

zjw

I couldnt really speak for if your family saying this or not is good or bad. It all depends on the context I would assume. My point is in your familys life your probably pretty significant. Are you just some average joe that came on this rock and left in the grand scheme of things are you nothing more then a grain of sand on a beach totally full of it? If thats how you want to view things you'll soon feel rather insignificant just like any other average joe just like any other grain of sand on the beach. I used to think like that and those kinds of thoughts never lead any place good. I had to break that cycle.

Shrink your world view a little bit your probably pretty important to your friends and family. Your probably a lot more appreciate dthen you realize or then people in your life even want to realize.

If everyone thinks your as insignificant as you think you are hey whatever. But I like Your posts. When you mentioned your farm in florida it brings back some neat memories I live din florida for years and I've been by those citrus farms a million times. When you spoke of your 7 kids I think it was I thought geeze i got 6 kids thats pretty cool what your doing as a parent etc.. I know its not easy. Its a fantasy of mine to one day own my own farm etc.. anyhow I like your posts I can relate on some level.

You've managed to come out of your small world and post here and brighten someone elses day. So what if your not the next einstein or something who cares thats not that important thing in life anyhow.