on my owe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: cheshire
Posts: 11
on my owe
HEAR i am 5 15 . in the morning thinking ever thing was o.k. till my bedroom door was kicket open and being called all the hurtfull names under the sun by my **** head husdand . i dont no how much more i can take, He has not drunk for 6 days 2nite he has had a drinke and this is what happens . my kids have here own houses and dont no whats going on .they would go mad if they new there good old dad was treating there mum like thhis. fed up put up with it for five years cant take any more feel like knifeing the .... but i think of my 2 kids they love him. pissed of dont no what to do,
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Seeing his doctor may have been useful. If he's been drinking heavily for a long time and quits suddenly, there is a risk of seizure and some other possible adverse health effects. It might be important to know exactly how much he's been drinking and for how long, and to ask his doctor about the risks involved in him detoxing suddenly.
With that disclaimer out of the way....
There are really two separate questions you're asking.
How can you get him to stop drinking?
and
How much more will you tolerate; i.e., how will you deal with your own distress about his drinking?
I can't really tell you what it takes to motivate people to quit getting drunk. Some people just do it because they rationally see the adverse effects that are developing over time. Others have to be jolted into it by some legal, personal, emotional, or physical consequences. Some people never quit getting drunk, in spite of horrific consequences to their health, finances, families, etc.
You can't talk him into quitting. You can educate yourself about what he is doing to his mind and body:
http://www.ncadd.org/facts/problems.html
You can learn as much as you want about the various methods people use to quit drinking:
http://www.rrci.net/recovery_spectrum.htm
You can decide if you are going to be part of the impetus for quitting by threatening him with severe consequences. And you can talk to others who have quit drinking, and those who have stayed with or left drinkers, about what their experiences were.
Bringing your kids into the process might be a useful step for you, as they could give you some emotional support. The only thing as lonely as abusing drugs is being married to a drug abuser. A simple step might be just telling them, and heading to their home (in the middle of the night, if necessary) the next time he gets drunk. But only you know the dynamics of your marriage, and what the likely upshot of that would be. "They would go mad"...? Well, that could be useful!
All of this advice is based on your statement that you don't feel that he is a danger. If you thought he was dangerous when drunk, this would be a whole different conversation!
With that disclaimer out of the way....
There are really two separate questions you're asking.
How can you get him to stop drinking?
and
How much more will you tolerate; i.e., how will you deal with your own distress about his drinking?
I can't really tell you what it takes to motivate people to quit getting drunk. Some people just do it because they rationally see the adverse effects that are developing over time. Others have to be jolted into it by some legal, personal, emotional, or physical consequences. Some people never quit getting drunk, in spite of horrific consequences to their health, finances, families, etc.
You can't talk him into quitting. You can educate yourself about what he is doing to his mind and body:
http://www.ncadd.org/facts/problems.html
You can learn as much as you want about the various methods people use to quit drinking:
http://www.rrci.net/recovery_spectrum.htm
You can decide if you are going to be part of the impetus for quitting by threatening him with severe consequences. And you can talk to others who have quit drinking, and those who have stayed with or left drinkers, about what their experiences were.
Bringing your kids into the process might be a useful step for you, as they could give you some emotional support. The only thing as lonely as abusing drugs is being married to a drug abuser. A simple step might be just telling them, and heading to their home (in the middle of the night, if necessary) the next time he gets drunk. But only you know the dynamics of your marriage, and what the likely upshot of that would be. "They would go mad"...? Well, that could be useful!
All of this advice is based on your statement that you don't feel that he is a danger. If you thought he was dangerous when drunk, this would be a whole different conversation!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: cheshire
Posts: 11
Thanks for your help Don, he first told me abou his drinking on the 22 june . Sed he had been drinking a pint of vodka a day for the past 3 years . he neaver had a drink till the 3 july sed he could handell it ,sorry about my typing my heads in a mess
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Hey, you have nothing to apologize for! This must be very distressing. I'd focus on your own emotions for a little while. I mean, he's been drinking somewhat heavily, hiding it--basically lying, or at least not being forthcoming, to you.
So it's important to understand (no matter what he might say) that you are not responsible for his drinking in any way. That it is not unusual that you didn't notice. That none of this is a reflection on your character, strength, personality, or intelligence.
In my opinion he drinks by choice, but it's become a compulsive behavior that is hard to stop. Hard, uncomfortable, but not impossible. He can stop for brief periods just by choosing not to drink (willpower), but unless he deals with the underlying beliefs, anxieties, stress factors, etc., he is likely to want to return to it to get the relief that he feels alcohol provides.
A lot of people kind of 'make up for lost time' when they do drink again. Once they've made the decision to drink (lapse, if you like to use that term), they go all the way and get snockered. Having admitted to his problem, he may get into a pattern of abstinence with intermittent episodes of heavy drinking. Then remorse, abstinence, and...?
So while you can encourage him when he is abstinent, it will also be important to decide what you're going to do when he drinks again (if he does). And it will be important for you to develop coping skills for your distress about his drinking when it happens. Dealing with anger and anxiety will be important.
I know very little about AlAnon, but folks here are likely to mention it as a support option. Most web sites for other recovery programs have some kind of information for families; I know SMART Recovery has a forum for families and friends, for example. Folks here can answer your questions about what to expect. There are lots of online resources! So please don't feel alone, and take care of yourself first.
Thanks for posting,
Don S
So it's important to understand (no matter what he might say) that you are not responsible for his drinking in any way. That it is not unusual that you didn't notice. That none of this is a reflection on your character, strength, personality, or intelligence.
In my opinion he drinks by choice, but it's become a compulsive behavior that is hard to stop. Hard, uncomfortable, but not impossible. He can stop for brief periods just by choosing not to drink (willpower), but unless he deals with the underlying beliefs, anxieties, stress factors, etc., he is likely to want to return to it to get the relief that he feels alcohol provides.
A lot of people kind of 'make up for lost time' when they do drink again. Once they've made the decision to drink (lapse, if you like to use that term), they go all the way and get snockered. Having admitted to his problem, he may get into a pattern of abstinence with intermittent episodes of heavy drinking. Then remorse, abstinence, and...?
So while you can encourage him when he is abstinent, it will also be important to decide what you're going to do when he drinks again (if he does). And it will be important for you to develop coping skills for your distress about his drinking when it happens. Dealing with anger and anxiety will be important.
I know very little about AlAnon, but folks here are likely to mention it as a support option. Most web sites for other recovery programs have some kind of information for families; I know SMART Recovery has a forum for families and friends, for example. Folks here can answer your questions about what to expect. There are lots of online resources! So please don't feel alone, and take care of yourself first.
Thanks for posting,
Don S
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Jose
Al Alon is for persons who have an alcoholic in their lives - be it spouse, sibling,
friend etc. There is an Al Alon forum here if you would like to post there - you
will find much support there and many people who can identify with what you are
going through. God Bless.
Love, Rowan
Al Alon is for persons who have an alcoholic in their lives - be it spouse, sibling,
friend etc. There is an Al Alon forum here if you would like to post there - you
will find much support there and many people who can identify with what you are
going through. God Bless.
Love, Rowan
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Alcoholic behaviour rarely ever changes unless the alcoholic makes some commitment to recovery and start to change their attitude.
The only person you can really help in this relationship is yourself.
Alanon may be able to help you to understand alcoholism and the complex behaviour it involves but most importantly it can help you to make some impoortant decisions for yourself.
The only person you can really help in this relationship is yourself.
Alanon may be able to help you to understand alcoholism and the complex behaviour it involves but most importantly it can help you to make some impoortant decisions for yourself.
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