The nights are a struggle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 124
The nights are a struggle
Why is it always this evening time where I feel so much anxiety about life and want to drink more than I do at any other time?
My kids had their first day of school today - which went very well. I'm on night 3 of no drinking, and I felt great all day. But the moment the sun begins to set, I feel the anxiety kick in and the thoughts begin to stream like this:
"Life is hard. Your mind won't stop. You need wine."
"You don't have control at this point. Best to take a break from trying so hard and just relax with wine. It's not a bad thing. You just know what you need to make this bearable."
How crazy is this? Really crazy, I know. My normal night of drinking is an entire bottle of wine, which doesn't feel like a lot anymore. I gave up the hard stuff over a year ago because I just couldn't handle that kind of hangover anymore. My body is getting tired and with age, I feel that it can handle less and less. So I switched over to full-time wine drinking. Red wine always gave me the worst hangover, but the white wine made it moderately painful the next morning, and of course, I'm always trying to reason with myself. I find that I make excuses and try to get myself on some kind of alcohol "regiment" so I feel less "sick" and less of an "addict." Maybe this is just the way of the articulate, analytic Type-A personality.
When I get to this moment of the day, I feel the pressure of all the "what ifs" and the "You SHOULD be doing ______ with your life" thoughts dominate my head space. It's like I'm playing victim, in a sense. I want to believe that this is all happening TO me, and that I have 0% responsibility, which I know is a lie. I'll be the first to admit I have a problem at any meeting, anywhere. The thing is, although I KNOW I have a problem, I still try to justify it with wrong thinking. I try to make a safe space with me and my bottle, so we're not interrupted or condemned in any way. It's my "precious" and it helps me cope with life. However, as we all sure as hell know, it's damaging us and it sure isn't helping ..... in the long run.
Okay, so maybe 9 years of alcoholism isn't all that much. But I started off with Smirnoff at 17 yrs old, and ended up finishing a box of wine in 3 days at 26. Is the amount of consumption the issue? Yes and no. It can give us an idea of how far we've come, but I know that the real issue isn't in what's going into my body. Yes, alcohol has damaging effects on the body. But realistically, this is about my mind not feeling empowered and in control. It's about feeling like I'm not enough. It's about trying to forget things that have happened that hurt. It's about not owning who I am and who I am becoming. It's a lie that says I'm never going to amount to anything. It is generally not good, in any way.
I'm writing today because I'm afraid that if I don't express what I'm currently thinking and feeling, that I'll go buy wine and wake up tomorrow regretting what I've done (again). I'm writing because I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts. I have a hard time being present. The first week of sobriety is always hard. I shake. I sweat. I'm bitter and irritable. I have a defeatist attitude, while trying to maintain strength and perseverance. I know I CAN do it. I know I can. It's just getting through the beginning stages that is tough. I have to create a routine, yet again. For me, it's usually endless cups of tea, yoga, quiet music, early bed time, and lots of coffee (yes, I'm aware it intensifies my anxiety - but at the same time, it's all I feel I have right now). I try to sit with myself and read. I make attempts to eat healthy, too. Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the gym. Exercise always seems to help. I just need to take it one step at a time. When I make a to-do list that exceeds realistic expectations, I flip out and usually end up caving and drinking. I have to be patient with myself.
Thanks for reading.
My kids had their first day of school today - which went very well. I'm on night 3 of no drinking, and I felt great all day. But the moment the sun begins to set, I feel the anxiety kick in and the thoughts begin to stream like this:
"Life is hard. Your mind won't stop. You need wine."
"You don't have control at this point. Best to take a break from trying so hard and just relax with wine. It's not a bad thing. You just know what you need to make this bearable."
How crazy is this? Really crazy, I know. My normal night of drinking is an entire bottle of wine, which doesn't feel like a lot anymore. I gave up the hard stuff over a year ago because I just couldn't handle that kind of hangover anymore. My body is getting tired and with age, I feel that it can handle less and less. So I switched over to full-time wine drinking. Red wine always gave me the worst hangover, but the white wine made it moderately painful the next morning, and of course, I'm always trying to reason with myself. I find that I make excuses and try to get myself on some kind of alcohol "regiment" so I feel less "sick" and less of an "addict." Maybe this is just the way of the articulate, analytic Type-A personality.
When I get to this moment of the day, I feel the pressure of all the "what ifs" and the "You SHOULD be doing ______ with your life" thoughts dominate my head space. It's like I'm playing victim, in a sense. I want to believe that this is all happening TO me, and that I have 0% responsibility, which I know is a lie. I'll be the first to admit I have a problem at any meeting, anywhere. The thing is, although I KNOW I have a problem, I still try to justify it with wrong thinking. I try to make a safe space with me and my bottle, so we're not interrupted or condemned in any way. It's my "precious" and it helps me cope with life. However, as we all sure as hell know, it's damaging us and it sure isn't helping ..... in the long run.
Okay, so maybe 9 years of alcoholism isn't all that much. But I started off with Smirnoff at 17 yrs old, and ended up finishing a box of wine in 3 days at 26. Is the amount of consumption the issue? Yes and no. It can give us an idea of how far we've come, but I know that the real issue isn't in what's going into my body. Yes, alcohol has damaging effects on the body. But realistically, this is about my mind not feeling empowered and in control. It's about feeling like I'm not enough. It's about trying to forget things that have happened that hurt. It's about not owning who I am and who I am becoming. It's a lie that says I'm never going to amount to anything. It is generally not good, in any way.
I'm writing today because I'm afraid that if I don't express what I'm currently thinking and feeling, that I'll go buy wine and wake up tomorrow regretting what I've done (again). I'm writing because I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts. I have a hard time being present. The first week of sobriety is always hard. I shake. I sweat. I'm bitter and irritable. I have a defeatist attitude, while trying to maintain strength and perseverance. I know I CAN do it. I know I can. It's just getting through the beginning stages that is tough. I have to create a routine, yet again. For me, it's usually endless cups of tea, yoga, quiet music, early bed time, and lots of coffee (yes, I'm aware it intensifies my anxiety - but at the same time, it's all I feel I have right now). I try to sit with myself and read. I make attempts to eat healthy, too. Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the gym. Exercise always seems to help. I just need to take it one step at a time. When I make a to-do list that exceeds realistic expectations, I flip out and usually end up caving and drinking. I have to be patient with myself.
Thanks for reading.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Your doing fantastic hang in there I use this forum all the time its a wonderful place for sobriety
When I first got sober I had to learn to speak out under any circumstances if I felt like drinking just speak out
At first I would drink and then speak out it was horrible being in that place and I sympathise
Hang in there your doing great
It is always possible
When I first got sober I had to learn to speak out under any circumstances if I felt like drinking just speak out
At first I would drink and then speak out it was horrible being in that place and I sympathise
Hang in there your doing great
It is always possible
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
You know drinking won't make you feel any better tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Rationalize things. Eat a healthy meal as soon as you can. When I'm full my thoughts and motivation to drink completely change. Careful with negativity. Don't beat yourself up so much. Find your motivation. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 135
+1 with what the others said.
Listen don't forget about context and the 80/20 rule.
Example: Whats better to you? Sober all week, so so eating, no alcohol and 1-2 days doing some excercise of some sort vs. Drunk every night, bad food decisions 1+ bottles of wine, no gym, etc.
Give yourself time to ease into your new, awesome sober lifestyle.
Heck start with 15 minutes of some sort of exercise per day, and only do the exercises you like. Don't force it, just go with it and work your way up. Take your time and build positive habits - as long as you're not drinking alcohol or lusting about drinking you are winning in my books.
All the best.
CJ.
Listen don't forget about context and the 80/20 rule.
Example: Whats better to you? Sober all week, so so eating, no alcohol and 1-2 days doing some excercise of some sort vs. Drunk every night, bad food decisions 1+ bottles of wine, no gym, etc.
Give yourself time to ease into your new, awesome sober lifestyle.
Heck start with 15 minutes of some sort of exercise per day, and only do the exercises you like. Don't force it, just go with it and work your way up. Take your time and build positive habits - as long as you're not drinking alcohol or lusting about drinking you are winning in my books.
All the best.
CJ.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 5
Maybe the time you feel anxiety is when you normally start drinking? For sure with me that's the case. I'm a happy hour person. So around 4pm (my friends meet up daily 5pm at the bar), my face starts to get bright red and feels hot. I get cocoon eyes where the face is red, but my eyes are white. It's sooo noticeable, but doesn't start till the late afternoon. I think my body is just used to drinking right at 5pm. So it's expecting it. Pretty bad and embarrassing when others notice. And they DO notice.
All of those good things you mentioned, the tea, yoga, gym etc you should try in the evening when you have the most cravings. Try replacing at the time you most want alcohol. IF I can get through a day and stay busy till 9pm, I won't drink. It's that 5-9pm hours that cause me the most problems.
You're not alone by any means.
First time poster. LONG lurker.
All of those good things you mentioned, the tea, yoga, gym etc you should try in the evening when you have the most cravings. Try replacing at the time you most want alcohol. IF I can get through a day and stay busy till 9pm, I won't drink. It's that 5-9pm hours that cause me the most problems.
You're not alone by any means.
First time poster. LONG lurker.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 544
Friend-
If I have learned anything over the two plus years that I've been practicing 100% sobriety it is simply this....drinking does not make things "better."
Never has. Never will.
Try not to overthink this.
Good decisions lead to good results. Always has. Always will.
If I have learned anything over the two plus years that I've been practicing 100% sobriety it is simply this....drinking does not make things "better."
Never has. Never will.
Try not to overthink this.
Good decisions lead to good results. Always has. Always will.
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